Friday, 18 March 2016

System of a Dance - Or, why wrestling games don't work

This post is written as part of the March 2016 Critical Distance Blogs of the Round Table theme of "Choreography". 

Let's confuse the issue immediately by pointing out that professional wrestling isn't strictly speaking "choreographed". There's no-one scripting out the matches move for move, there's no rehearsals, not that there would be time for any rehearsals given the schedule of full time wrestlers anyway. Although it's not "scripted", the wrestlers are naturally working together with each other, they may be exchanging signals in the ring or have a few sequences in the match planned beforehand, however they may not even speak the same language and end up building their match in the ring together on instinct alone. There also may be someone called an "agent" working on the match backstage, telling the guys what kind of story they should be telling and how long they have, but if the crowd completely rejects the match that might all get thrown out in favour for something they come up with on the fly.

If you're one of the uninitiated that opening paragraph was probably a bit of a headache, which is partly the fault of the writer but the true problem is professional wrestling is extremely hard to define because it encompasses elements of so many forms of performance art and media. It's got the atmosphere and a lot of the psychology of a live sporting event but it's not an athletic competition, it has angles and storylines that are planned out and written yet there's a lot of improvisation, and it's understood that wrestlers are performers portraying a character yet the audience is somewhat expected to care about the real human beings as well. "Sports entertainment" might actually be the best term for it since it can't be comfortably locked into one or the other, but then again "sports entertaiment" is a trash marketing term dreamed up by the WWE, so we'll just stick with "wrestling".

With all that said, how can you possibly expect to replicate this within a videogame?

Well for the longest time the basic answer to that question was "don't bother". Early wrestling games kept it simple, like more methodical slower-paced (and pretty dull) fighting games. As we got into the mid-to-late 90s things starting speeding up; there were the completely nonsensical Mortal Kombat style arcade fighters which involved the Undertaker shooting souls across the ring and the British Bulldog literally turning into a Bulldog. At home the AKI engine titles on the Nintendo 64 focused on grappling, while on the PlayStation the Smackdown! games went for a much simpler button mashing approach at a much higher game speed which made it a hit at parties. 

Somewhere along the line as the Smackdown! series took over and became the main WWE wrestling videogame franchise (later morphing into the Smackdown Vs Raw franchise and eventually into the WWE 2K titles that are released today) and the focus of each title seemed to shift towards simulation. Matches are governed by momentum, reversals are limited and recharge slowly, wrestlers get exhausted as the match goes on to the point where you can take 15-20 seconds to get up after your own move...and it's AWFUL.

In WWE 2K16 the entire game feels like it's taking place underwater and it only gets worse the longer matches go. Despite supposedly being world class athletes anyone in the roster will collapse from exhaustion after running one lap of the hilariously tiny ring, there's an uncomfortable delay on button presses, animations on moves have too much startup and cooldown times and feel awful for it, and every so often on a hard strike or a large slam the screen will wobble slightly in a pathetic attempt to make this game feel like something. What is causing this? How can these games feel so bad after all this time? How have they actually regressed and got less fun over the years? Well, either Yukes somehow found the only 300 Japanese game developers in the world who have never played Street Fighter or a game by Treasure to program the series, or there's something fundamentally wrong at the core of these games.

The first question you have to ask yourself when you're approaching a wrestling game from a simulation standpoint is "what exactly are we simulating here?" What is the mindset of the player supposed to be? Are we taking the role of the wrestler within the context of the fiction by trying to win the match? Are we supposed to be the performer and attempt to have the best match possible and make the fans happy? Or are we a promoter pulling the strings and attempting to manipulate all the elements into the show we want? Unfortunately, the recent efforts from the WWE 2K series have no real answer for this, so instead opt to be a lumpy soup of unconnected systems, mechanics and ideas that will push the events into something that "sort of" looks like a match you would see on television.

When you're trying to run a simulation while giving a human being a participatory role all of wrestling's contradictions start to collapse on top of one another. It's presented as a contest and a fight, so the game has combos and you can "out-wrestle" someone by utilising your limited amount of reversals more effectively, but at the same time it's performance art and you're supposed to be entertaining people, so the game punishes you for using the same moves too often. Street Fighter doesn't punish you for doing the same moves over and over again, you can win a match by hitting 15 shoryukens in a row, but the reason that won't work on most players is because it's easy to counter and punish. In other words, in traditional fighting games the systems and mechanics are tools placed in the hands of the player(s), in modern wrestling games the systems and mechanics are used to keep the player(s) in line so they can't go too far off script.

Not to claim that system-based games are incapable of producing dramatic narratives, that's certainly not true in other genres and hell it even works by accident in the WWE 2K games from time to time, but it's hard to imagine a wrestling game being successful taking this approach. The systems in WWE 2K instruct us that we can only use counters so many times, that we can only make one major quick-time event comeback a match, that wrestlers' mobility and stamina should be severely cut down by the end of a match. They don't allow for John Cena to fire up that one last time and get all the kids in the crowd to jump out of their seats, because he's already had his one allocated attempt at a comeback this match. So even though these systems of momentum, stamina, reversals, damage and finishers may create an imitation of the structure of a wrestling match, they will fail to capture the drama every single time.

After all that, by attempting to simulate a wrestling match through systems and mechanics, all Yukes have achieved with their recent WWE 2K efforts is create games that aren't fun to play, are illogical from a competitive standpoint and utterly fail to capture what they're supposed to be a pastiche of. In the end, we're not taking the role of the wrestler, the performer or the promoter when we play these games, we're a little kid bashing two Wrestlemania action figures together until we make too much noise and our mum makes us stop.

So it's no surprise that the more fondly remembered wrestling games don't bother with any of that stuff. The best wrestling game to come out in years, WWE All Stars, couldn't care less about simulation or realistic. The character models are cartoonish exaggerations of the wrestlers they depict, the moves are absurd, wrestlers will bounce off the ground and can be juggled in the air, it's a big hot bowl of steaming nonsense. Yet, despite throwing off all the shackles of reality it ends up feeling like a better celebration of the original art form than the games that try to directly mimic it. It recognises wrestlers for the ridiculous over the top personalities that they are, it takes all the cool stuff they do in real life and uses the videogame form to enhance it, then presents this to a virtual crowd that loves every second of it. It makes you feel good about the magic of professional wrestling as a whole and how you value these personalities and the real life people portraying them; Hulk Hogan may have never actually jumped 45 feet into the air on a leg drop, but WWE All Stars makes you realise how much you always wanted him to. 

There you go VIDEOGAMES, you jerks, there's what you need to do if you want to celebrate the events and moves of a professional wrestling match within your medium. Don't make wrestlers feel like their legs are made out of lead and have them gasping for air within 5 minutes, just before they get beaten up with zero defensive options because they used up their allocated number of reversals. Don't make your game deliberately unfair because sometimes cheap finishes happen on the television show. Instead, portray wrestlers as the superheroes and the real life fighting game characters we all want them to be, let them control the matches with their own ridiculous actions and abilities, take the best and most awe-inspiring things they do and run with them as far as you can. After all, it's not like anyone can get hurt!

Tuesday, 15 March 2016

Raw Recap 14/3/16 - The show where Roman punched some dudes


Here's this week's Raw Recap, a thing I write every week as Raw goes on to spare my Twitter followers from a conga line of cold takes every Tuesday morning.

After Roadblock threatened to completely reshaping Wrestlemania and...literally nothing changed whatsoever, we're on the homestretch with the first of three final Raws to piece together the biggest show of the year.

Segment #1 - WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP - New Day Vs Rusev and Alberto Del Rio

Feels like a rare treat whenever Raw starts off with a match and not the identical 15-20 minute Authority/Cena/Reigns opening promo. Also New Day had their promo interrupted by a heel team for an appropriate crowd reaction for once, I wonder if Vince even realises that the past couple of weeks New Day have been making jokes about eating out people's assholes and getting away with it. JBL's got a new thing where he keeps comparing the League of Nations to the Four Horsemen and my nipples invert in protest every time he does it.

Anyway, League of Nations initially got a tag team title shot by getting made fun of on social media and not doing anything about it, and now the other two members get their own title shot because their friends lost. Xavier wrestles instead of Kofi which made me worry they were going to lose but Xavier managed to pull it out. I liked the finish because it involves Kofi taking out the other two guy League members by himself to distract Rusev, who Xavier then gets a dirty pin on. It's a good way to establish New Day as the babyface team without them having a personality change overnight. 

All four League members beat down New Day after the match establishing their turn. Someone big needs to turn heel soon, the current WWE roster right now feels like a scramble to get to fight the one major villain, it's like Mortal Kombat. There was an awkward moment during the beatdown where Xavier was caught up in the turnbuckle and several League members went to let him down but the referee kept stopping them and the production team kept awkwardly cutting away. I don't know if they liked the image and wanted it to linger a bit longer, or if the League's timing was off, or if their was genuine concern for Xavier's safety but it was an awkward footnote on what was otherwise an effective angle.

Oh, and Big E never goes for a pin after that splash he does and I hate that. A running splash in the middle of the ring with no cover isn't a good setup move Biggles do something else.

Segment #2 - Dean Ambrose, Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman confrontation

Ambrose briefly mentions Roadblock but doesn't linger on it too much, which is probably for the best but he should have made a bigger deal out of the fact he did have Triple H beat. Paul Heyman interrupts and makes it clear he wants to see Brock destroy Ambrose but has reasons to not let it happen since Brock needs a big match for Wrestlemania. Paul Heyman leaves but Brock hesitates and makes his way down to the ring anyway but Ambrose keeps him out with a crowbar. It took Michael Cole about a minute to even notice Ambrose had a crowbar, and JBL shouted "this guy doesn't have a brain in his body!"...so going down to the ring and calling out Lesnar would have been smarter without a weapon? GET NEW ANNOUNCERS.

Segment #3 - Sin Cara Vs Ryback

Imagine if instead of Kalisto this feud was Ryback versus the original Sin Cara, what a beautiful disaster that could have been. The match doesn't last long, Ryback hits a Shellshock twice on Sin Cara for the win, then Ryback challenges Kalisto for the title at Wrestlemania.

Segment #4 - Stephanie McMahon and Triple H promo

Stephanie welcomes everyone to Monday Night Raw even though she's in the fourth segment, I guess when you have to start every show with the exact same promo for a couple of years you can be prone to going on autopilot. She introduced Triple H who goes on about Authority for what feels like an hour. The only time he gets any significant heat in this rambling is the couple of times he implies that people love Roman Reigns. 

To stop this promo from overrunning into Wrestlemania 35 Dolph Ziggler interrupts to a hilarious non-reaction, I think even the Ziggler fans knew he's coming out to DIE. Maybe Ziggler just suffers under the iron grip of the WWE writers but after years of watching him attempt to do promos I can't imagine him doing standup or whatever his other interests are. Triple H says he's not going to fire Ziggler because people love him, that gets a tepid reaction so he says "no no really, you guys love Dolph Ziggler right???", on a third attempt this crowd wakes up a little. 

Not to be too hard on Ziggler, it's not really his fault that this doesn't work. He's done little of substance in months, the last proper storyline he was in was god awful so when he comes out and starts complaining about this and that putting him down he just comes off as a whiny crybaby. When Daniel Bryan was doing this kind of stuff he was beating Randy Orton and wrestling main events every week and surviving ridiculous matches and beatdowns every week, Ziggler typically wrestles 3-5 minutes in the third segment. As mentioned earlier on most Raws this segment would start the show, clearly someone didn't think Ziggler would be a strong enough hook to hold people for the full three hours.

Anyway, Stephanie puts Dolph in a match with Triple H later tonight, if Ziggler wins he gets any match he wants at Wrestlemania other than a WWE title match.

Segment #5 - Sami Zayn Vs The Miz

I'm guessing if Ziggler wins he's going to want a Wrestlemania match against Miz so they can settle their 10290-10290 match tie on the grandest stage. Zayn does his fakeout recovery moonsault early in the match but the WWE cameras don't show Miz moving out of the way first so he just looks silly. Kevin Owens is on commentary and is salty about Zayn throughout the match.

Byron Saxton: "Don't you remember Sami Zayn eliminated you from the Royal Rumble?"
KO: "Byron, would you like to be eliminated from this announce team right now?"

Owens tries to distract Zayn, but gets clobbered by Miz from behind since Owens walked out on him on Smackdown in a tag match, so the finish actually comes with Owens distracting Miz for a Zayn win. 

The League of Nations challenges New Day to a title match at Wrestlemania, because nothing earns you a title match in this company harder than losing two in a row. They don't specify any kind of match or who will be in the match so...okay. But there will be A League Vs New Day match at Wrestlemania.

Segment #6 - Alicia Fox and Brie Bella Vs Tamina and Naomi

Sorry, especially in a world where WWE actually put on decent women's matches every now and then you cannot pay me to care about the worst Diva Vs the greenest Diva. Lana distracts Brie and team BA win or something. Wait no, I'm really poor right now, if you're willing to pay me to care I will happily watch this again and break it down move for move.

Social Outcasts sell some meat, still like this team better than the League.

Paige and Lana sass each other on a backstage interview, looking like WWE is going to throw all the other Divas in some big and hopefully short tag match.

Charlotte is interviewed about her Wrestlemania match and rags on Sasha and Becky for being a bunch of noobs in NXT and how she's better than them.

Segment #7 - The Usos Vs Bo Dallas and Adam Rose

Social Outcasts now have proper team gear and colours, I am not joking in the slightest when I say they're a better team than the League. The Dudleys are on commentary but walk off almost immediately, the Usos win despite Dudley distraction and interference from Slater and Axel. Not much of a match, just giving Usos a win. 

As rumoured Mick Foley shows up and talks to Dean Ambrose backstage. Mick Foley asks Ambrose why he wants this match with Lesnar when he knows he's going to get hurt. Ambrose asks him why he kept going at Hell in a Cell, Foley says "because I'm Mick Foley, and that's what I did" and Ambrose responds in the same matter. Foley tells him since his mind is made up he has a little present for him, and gives him the barbed wire baseball bat. Wish it had gone on longer than it did but I had a smile on my face through this whole thing. 

Segment #8 - Dolph Ziggler Vs Triple H

I knew they did the Ziggler/HHH promo in the second hour because they didn't think he was a strong enough hook for the show...but I somewhat foolishly assumed it would at least main event the show but NOPE ends the second hour. I did enjoy the match a lot though, I struggle to get into a lot of Ziggler matches because he goes too fast and doesn't let anything sink in, but big Trips kept the pace down and worked the shoulder which played into the whole match. Triple H tries to catch Dolph with a quick Pedigree off a count out attempt like he did with Ambrose, Dolph gets out of it, dunks himself on his own head off a failed Zig Zag attempt and then goes down for the Pedigree. 

After the match Roman Reigns returns and the most awkward high level feud brawl I've ever seen breaks out, Reigns initial takedown looked like it was in slow motion. As ever the crowd is an awkward collage of pockets of boos and cheers. When it gets going there's good images of Triple H trying to desperately get away from Reigns with blood all over his head with Reigns sending referees and security people flying which will look great in a promo package. Reigns gets stopped by his closest family and friends The Usos, Jack Swagger and Mark Henry. 

The Triple H Vs Roman Reigns match is one of the most bizarre Wrestlemania main events in history, a heel legend that can barely beat scrublords like Dolph Ziggler Vs the most rejected hero since Raiden, both involved in some of the most violent segments in years yet people barely care. I'm genuinely interested in what's going to happen even if it's more morbid curiousity than excitement. Even if they do the most by the book match possible with Reigns winning and celebrating with The Rock it's going to be an interesting crowd reaction.

Backstage, R-Truth asks Goldust if he wants to be a penguin, Goldust says no, and SCENE.

Segment #9 - Chris Jericho Vs Neville

Jericho cuts another promo on the fans for liking AJ Styles more than him and says AJ isn't that good. Diva Jericho is best Jericho. Neville hurts himself by inverting his ankle on a slide, he was visibly limping and Jericho goes for a roll up that Neville awkwardly kicks out of, causing Jericho to push the referee and get disqualified which I guess must have been the intended finish. 

Jericho buys some time by cutting another promo, AJ Styles makes his return and hits Jericho with a flying forearm, probably a mistake to do this immediately after the Reigns return but I imagine the match was supposed to go a lot longer than it did. Jericho did his best to save this but it still didn't come off great, at time of writing there's no update on Neville but hopefully he's not seriously injured. 

Segment #10 - Undertaker, Vince and Shane McMahon promo

Vince talks about how bad Shane is going to get hurt at Wrestlemania, and then introduces the Undertaker for some reason even though that didn't exactly go well the last time he did that. Shane McMahon gets a bigger pop than Undertaker which is infuriating, completely unjustifiable nostalgia droolings. Seeing balding Undertaker in the ring with grey haired jeans wearing Shane McMahon at the same time is really highlighting how absurd this match is. Shane talks about how he plans to beat up the Undertaker which is so silly it comes off as a heel promo, especially when everyone laughs at him for screwing up a line and saying his punches are going to miss. I'm just imagining someone tuning into this show for the first time and seeing three old men yelling each other with one saying he's hired a zombie to beat up his son in a cage for the control of the company.

Undertaker and Shane fight, Shane irritatingly holds his own for a while until Vince pushes him into the Undertaker for a chokeslam, then Undertaker chases Vince out of the ring. One thing I didn't get about this promo is Shane brings up the question of why Undertaker would help Vince or even be in this match in the first place, which is then instantly dropped with no explanation. This match is indefensibly ridiculous and nonsensical no matter what angle you look at it, don't bring up questions you don't need to especially if you don't have the answers.

Closing Thoughts

A decent Raw, it's nice to see people actually showing up to promote their Wrestlemania matches this year. The problem with assessing these shows is Triple H Vs Reigns and Shane Vs Taker are two utterly bizarre main events for Wrestlemania for a variety of reasons so any segments building towards them are fighting an uphill battle. This is definitely one of the more intriguing Wrestlemanias in years even if it's mostly for really bad reasons. 

There was a bunch of good stuff on the show, main issue is perhaps there was too much on one show? Brock and Dean got lost inbetween all the violence a bit, and there were two major beatdowns with two returns from beatdowns as well as the grandpa date to close the show. Still, unlike last year with every passing week the overall card takes shape and we learn a little more about why we should care about each one.

THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE, HELD ABOVE A VENT BLOWING THEM SLIGHTLY FURTHER UP BUT NOT QUITE KEEPING THEM THERE

Tuesday, 8 March 2016

Raw Recap March 7th - Actually Good For Once!


Raw comes to Chicago with four weeks until Wrestlemania and an extra Network special on Saturday, can WWE keep the momentum going hard enough to avoid CM Punk chants?

Segment #1 - Shane and Vince McMahon promo

Shane McMahon is the most bafflingly popular thing since Symphony of the Night, Shane gets another huge pop and somehow doesn't lose it when he starts talking. This whole thing is the worst kind of pandering "worked shoot" stuff that has made wrestling increasingly less tolerable over the past 20 years. Shane says he will put a stop to "backstage politics", ooooooo, I've heard of that! How exactly are you going to do that Shane 'O? Make sure everyone agrees on everything and noone has any power but you? What kind of totalitarian communist operation is he planning on running?  

Vince comes out and everyone chants "asshole" at him, because remembering that 1999 happened is the only reason anyone is into that (we also get our first CM Punk chant). Vince cuts a promo and sends four security guys to escort Shane out of the ring, for some reason they go in the ring one at a time and Shane beats up all four of them. I can't even remember the last time an actual wrestler didn't get overpowered by security guards but they've got nothing on Shane's crap dance punches.

Segment #2 - Neville Vs Kevin Owens

"That's all you got mate?"
Michael Cole: "Kevin Owens there, mocking the Englishman Neville with the word "mate""

For the love of god replace this announce team.

The guys have a fine match and both of them do fancy flip moves to pop the crowd. Owens get the win off holding the tights, then attacks Neville after the match as he's complaining to the referee. Then Sami Zayn's music hits and he fights off Owens. It's looking like they're building up a bunch of challengers for Owens to do another big ladder match for the title...which doesn't really seem like it's worth calling Zayn up for but the crowd loved it so whatever.

Backstage Dolph reminds Stephanie about how he put her out of power once, weird how the writers remember that now but they completely forgot about that after a week at the time.

Segment #3 - Brie Bella Vs Summer Rae

I can't think of any reason why you would book this match unless you wanted them to kill each other. Lana costs Brie the match then hits the X Factor on her, I guess she's debuting soon...hopefully not at Wrestlemania.

Segment #4 - Dean Ambrose and Triple H promo

It's good to see Dean Ambrose finally getting to do proper promos but he's got to decide whether he wants to be funny Mankind or Cactus Jack because hopping back and forth is doing him no favours. Overall this was a hell of a lot better than their confrontation last week, Ambrose says he'll win the title on Saturday, Triple H says he won't, Triple H puts Ambrose in a match against Bray Wyatt later tonight.

Segment #5 - Dolph Ziggler Vs Rusev, Sheamus and Wade Barrett

So this match is happening because Dolph tweeted about Shane winning at Wrestlemania and putting the Authority out of power like he did at Survivor Series, then deleting it on request (like a true hero), then they paste the tweet on the screen and Michael Cole reads it out anyway. 

Michael Cole - "The League of Nations are starting to gel as a team and really build some chemistry!" AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ziggler gets beat down most of the match, eliminates Barrett but then Rusev and Sheamus double team him for the win. League of Nations aren't doing much, Ziggler hasn't done much in months and none of this has anything to do with the Shane match or...uh, anything else, so I'm not sure what the point of it was. 

They play a video package showing off how cool Shane McMahon is, it's basically him jumping off stuff and looking extremely tired. 

Segment #6 - Sasha Banks and Becky Lynch Vs Tamina and Naomi 

It's a rematch of the PPV match from a few weeks ago but this time Banks and Lynch make short work of Tamina and Naomi. Sasha gets the win and Charlotte attacks both her Wrestlemania opponents from behind. 

Backstage R-Truth and Goldust talk about exploding butts and Mark Henry steals their pizza. 

Segment #7 - TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: AJ Styles and Chris Jericho Vs New Day

The Chicago loved everyone involved here (especially AJ) and was super into this. New Day hit the double team Big Ending on AJ Styles, Jericho's been watching his New Japan tapes and tackles Kofi onto the pinfall to save the match. AJ hits his springboard reverse DDT perfectly for the first time in his WWE career and the crowd goes wild for it, and even nails his springboard 450 splash for I think the first time. New Day wins after Big E takes out AJ on the outside and hits Jericho with the Big Ending.

Best tag match in WWE in a long long time, great false finishes and exchanges, but it mostly due to the novelty of having the crowd care about BOTH teams for once.

After the match AJ helps Jericho up to applause from the crowd, Jericho nails him with three Code Breakers, shoves the Y2AJ shirt down his throat and gets genuine heat for it. This has been Jericho's best run in WWE since 2012. 

Segment #8 -  Tyler Breeze Vs Kalisto 

I don't know what Tyler did backstage to annoy someone, he hasn't been given enough to do to really screw anything up yet. He got his full entrance televised this week though so things are at least looking a little up. 

These guys have a fine match with lots of Kalisto flipping and flopping but the crowd was still reeling from the Jericho/Styles angle before so it didn't get much energy. 

Jojo interviews Kalisto about his upcoming Wrestlemania debut, Ryback comes up and cuts a really horrible promo about not believing why people believe in little guys when he's a big guy. I'm not feeling Ryback's repackage at all, all they've done is strip him of the personality he genuinely had. 

Segment #9 - Ryback Vs Curtis Axel 

Social Outcasts get the best reception they've ever gotten from the Chicago crowd. And I'll say getting rid of the singlet was a good call on Ryback, god DAMN this dude is huge. Ryback does his new running knee and mocks CM Punk riling the crowd up. Just like last week Ryback pounds Curtis Axel into the dirt, hits Shellshock for the win then walks away. 

Backstage Stephanie warns Vince of the unstoppable vengeful GOD that is Shane McMahon. You can't possibly tell me the storyline for this is going to turn into Vince seriously doubting whether the UNDERTAKER can beat Shane McMahon.

Segment #10 - Dean Ambrose Vs Bray Wyatt

This was the best Wyatt's looked in months, he has great chemistry with Ambrose and they had about the best ten minute no finish match you can have until the rest of the Wyatts show up for the DQ and beat down Ambrose. 

Triple H comes down to pick the bones of Ambrose, Wyatt gets in his face and rubs his fingers across the WWE title, laughs and then leaves.  This is all to give time for Ambrose to recover so he catches Triple H with Dirty Deeds by surprise and the crowd goes wild. 

Closing Thoughts

Best Raw of 2016 so far by a LONG way, decent promos, good wrestling and intrigue being built towards matches. WWE also seemed on top of things for the first time in a while, they knew they were dealing with a volatile smarky Chicago crowd and they played up to that throughout the whole show. They were smart enough to not let Roman Reigns drown for once. 

The Shane McMahon stuff is doing nothing for me but I seem to be the only person in the world who feels that way so I can't really knock it too much for that. Honestly the only big complaint I can make about the show as a whole that's not nitpicking individual segments is the announcers are HORRIBLE and I'm noticing it more and more each passing week. Michael Cole has no credibility, JBL doesn't seem to know what he wants to be each week and Byron Saxton is consistently awful all round. Plus Cole and JBL goofing around with each other while knocking Byron like its high school makes for awful television too. 

But anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed this show, last week's felt like it was 5 hours long whereas this didn't drag at all, I'm looking forward to Roadblock and Wrestlemania feels like less and less of a trainwreck the closer we get to it. SUCCESS.

THUMBS UP

Monday, 29 February 2016

Raw Recap 29th February 2016 - Welcome to the Ambrose Show


Welcome to the Raw recap where I write up a bunch of notes about the show as it goes on to show mercy on my Twitter followers.


After last week's collage of swearing, blood, nostalgia and incomprehensible writing can the WWE keep up their incredibly noisy attempts to build momentum for Wrestlemania? 

Segment #1 - Triple H and Dean Ambrose Promo

If I'm going to keep writing about this Raw every week I need to stop watching Smackdown so I have something to write about these segments other than "pretty much what he did on Smackdown but longer". Triple H drones on about everyone having an authority figure in their life, the crowd actually chants for Roman, Dean Ambrose interrupts him, the crowd chant "Ambrose" much louder. Ambrose mentions Shane O'Mac, they chant for him even louder. I sometimes worry wrestling has passed me by. 

A bizarrely awkward segment considering who's involved, a lot of weird pauses and forced in jokes. Basically, Ambrose wants a WWE title match, Triple H says he'll think about it and makes a match between Ambrose and Del Rio.

Segment #2 - Becky Lynch Vs Sasha Banks No 1 Contendership Match

You think with the DIVAS REVOLUTION and the fact this is a rematch of one of the more fondly remembered NXT Divas matches this would get higher billing than the second segment on a Raw five weeks before Wrestlemania. I wonder if there's going to be non-finish.

The crowd starts off with duelling chants of "Sasha" and "Becky" but then completely fails to react to an exchange of finisher attempts, loses interest in the match and starts randomly Wooing for Charlotte and Ric who are ringside. It's a decent enough match until the inevitable double pinfall off a sunset powerbomb, how Sasha managed to pin herself off flipping from the second rope to the mat I don't know but the match is declared a draw.

The show is interrupted by Bray Wyatt who, as ever, is cryptic to the point where it's not even worth trying to find meaning in what he's saying so it just comes off as boring. 

Segment #3 - Dolph Ziggler Vs The Miz

I feel bad about it but I laughed out loud when the Raw came back and Michael Cole announced this match, these poor guys can't catch a break. Dolph does what he does best and loses in under 2 minutes on Raw, putting Miz up at 1284-1137 in their endless rivalry. Apparently Miz said something about being Intercontinental Champion on the preshow so it's looking like they're going to do another ladder match with a bunch of guys again.

They play a packaged recapping the Shane McMahon angle, still doesn't make any more sense than it did a week ago.

Segment #4 - Stephanie McMahon Promo

Stephanie comes out to finish her acceptance speech from last week, she get annoyed at the crowd chanting for Shane and goes off on a long tangent about how he abandoned the WWE. The problem with this segment is this storyline is so thrown together and pulled out of nowhere all of Stephanie's points about him leaving and being a man coming back to take the company from her are all seemingly legitimate with no obvious counterargument. Still, Stephanie is a good heel and she got over the point that Shane winning would be the worst thing for her.

Segment #5 - The Lucha Dragons Vs Sheamus and Rusev

Michael Cole plugs tickets for Smackdown in Altanta tomorrow night which isn't sold out yet, claiming "the League of Nations will be there!" so move fast because more and more tickets are becoming available!

It's a basic match with Rusev pinning Kalisto after some outside interference. After the match Del Rio double stomps Kalisto to get some heat for his match against Ambrose later.

Backstage Renee Young and Natalya plug a sandwich. 

Segment #6 - Ryback Vs Adam Rose

You know Ryback's a heel because he didn't growl MOOOOORRRRRRREEEEE along with his music when he came out. He also seems to have dropped the idiosyncrasies in his promo and talks slowly like everyone else now. Ryback punches the fudge out of Rose, the ref tries to get him off, but since it's WWE he can't call for the bell until someone hits a finisher so Ryback hits Shellshock, gets the pin and immediately leaves.

This seems like a good time to mention this show has been painfully shoving in references to the Oscars all night. Nothing makes you look more out of touch than desperately trying to be relevant, it's like your dad bragging about how he just "drank some mee-mees."

Segment #7 - New Day Vs Chris Jericho and AJ Styles

As is now apparently mandatory for all New Day matches they cut a promo before the match, pop the crowd with it then the babyfaces interrupt before they're done and get booed for it.

It's a fun match filled with New Day antics and AJ spots, I hope Kofi and AJ have a one on one match in the coming weeks because they worked great together. Y2AJ get the win off the Walls of Jericho, then challenge New Day to a tag team title match next week.

Segment #8 - The Undertaker and Vince McMahon promo

One of the issues with the build for Wrestlemania and especially this feud is it's all so random and tryhardy I'm not so much intrigued as I am morbidly curious. So here we have this completely confusing storyline that the Undertaker has been dropped into, and now he has to make his first appearance in months to somehow address this in a way that makes sense. 

WWE made two good calls here by 1) putting Vince out there with Taker and 2) not dwelling on the ridiculously clumsy way they got into this and instead focusing on the stipulations as they are. Hey, it's not "good" storytelling but at least it allows them to run full speed with what they have. It's short and sweet, Undertaker spends more time walking to the ring than he does talking, he grabs Vince by the throat and tells him his son's blood will be on his hands.

Vince starts off this promo saying he loves his son and loves him enough to teach him a lesson, then at the end says he'll write Shane out of his inheritance and disown him after Wrestlemania if he loses. Not sure where that part came from, but it's definitely looking like Shane is winning at Wrestlemania, I'm just terrified about how they're going to get there.

Segment #9 - Jey Uso Vs Bubba Ray Dudley

You know you're in for a meaningful segment when an Uso twin is in a singles match. When you have two tag teams feuding and it's not about titles or anything, and they have no match scheduled there's really no reason in storyline why they can't have a tag match, so these singles matches just come off as filler. D-Von and Jimmy had a match on Smackdown with almost the exact same finish as this one with the other Dudley pulling out a table as a distraction for the win, only Jey didn't screw this up as hard.

Backstage R-Truth is a meaniehead to Goldust so he sulks away.

Segment #10 - Big Show Vs Kevin Owens

I believe this is the fourth segment that was on last week's Smackdown that they're repeating? There is literally no point of Smackdown other than to watch a prototype of the next Raw with all the big segments stripped and better commentary. Big Show wins via countout the exact same way Kevin Owens won on Smackdown by nutting him on the top rope. For some reason Show is happy about this when you'd think he'd want to kill Owens but whatever.

Brie Bella is interviewed backstage, lies and says she had a great match with Charlotte, Lana comes over and makes fun of Daniel Bryan to set up a MONEY MATCH between Brie and Lana, Brie makes the 114th crap Oscars joke of the night and walks away.

Segment #11 - Brie Bella Vs Naomi

I don't wanna, you can't make me. 

The Freebirds are announced for the Hall of Fame, they don't get a video package either, I guess they can't be bothered any more.

Backstage Charlotte tells Becky and Sasha they're having a rematch on Smackdown, GASP, now Raw segments are getting repeated on Smackdown! If we're no careful the entire company will be one endless loop of the exact same show.

Segment #12 - Dean Ambrose Vs Alberto Del Rio

The League of Nations should be eternally grateful that the show's complete lack of any top heels right now lets them main event a show almost every week. At least after two months of being together they've decided to pretend they're a real group and have a team trademark...which is whirling their fingers the same way Cesaro does before he goes for the giant swing...

Also, I don't want to knock these guys as individuals because this isn't their fault, but for the love of god Del Rio needs to drop this double stomp finisher. The fact he's starting doing an even sillier version of it on the guard rail and taking even longer to pander to the crowd makes me feel like he's deliberately making fun of me. 

Anyway, the story of the match is Dean is still badly hurt from his Brock beatdown last week so Del Rio stays in control most of the time with Ambrose refusing to stay down. Ambrose hits all four of the League members with a diving elbow on the floor, Triple H's music hits to distract Ambrose and the League members beat him down causing a DQ. 

Triple H gets in the face of a destroyed Ambrose and starts cutting a promo in his face, Dean fires up and slugs him in the face which popped the crowd and was so awesome I'll forgive the fact it's almost identical to a Daniel Bryan segment from two years ago. HHH puts him down with a Pedigree and says he's got a WWE title match. 

As Triple H is walking up the ramp Ambrose taunts him again causing him to lose it and come back down and beat him down on the announce table. It's slightly irritating how much better these segments work when it's Dean Ambrose instead of Roman Reigns, for one Triple H didn't get cheered this week, even though he threw Byron Saxton across the floor like a huge hero. Great end to an otherwise subpar show. 

Closing Thoughts

This was the first Raw I've watched live with commercial breaks in a while and it was a slog to get through. I didn't hate much of it but looking back over the entire show it was pretty much a waste of time apart from the Ambrose segment at the time. So, look that on Youtube if you missed it, maybe the New Day/Taker bits if you're a huge fan of those guys, otherwise this was pretty much forgettable filler.

WWE weren't clear on when the Ambrose Vs Triple H title match is taking place, I can only assume it's next week? Raw's in Chicago and I imagine the place would go nuts for Ambrose and destroy Roman so it seems like a good plan. As much as I didn't really like this show, it ended strong which is really important since the last thing you see is what you remember and I'm looking forward to next week so...eh...I'll be charitable.

THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE, POINTING SLIGHTLY DOWNWARDS, AROUND 4:15PM


Tuesday, 23 February 2016

Raw Recap February 22nd - Shane McMahon Sucks Don't @ Me


Welcome to my Raw recap thing where I write down stuff about this television show as I watch it to show mercy upon my Twitter followers.

Opening Thoughts 

So Fast Lane was a BAD show, and it's that frustrating kind of bad where smart people (like ME) were saying four weeks before the show aired why it wasn't going to work. The main event didn't work for the exact reasons everyone was saying it wasn't going to work, and the fact there was no creative spark added to the match to even remotely justify its existence makes it borderline insulting.

So here we are, the first of six Monday Night Raws heading into Wrestlemania. Roman Reigns is main eventing it and he's coming off getting booed AGAIN because for no reason he was put in a situation where he had to beat two guys everyone likes to get there. Let's see where they go from here.

Segment #1 - Vince McMahon Senior's Legacy of Excellence Award

The show gets out of the blocks strong by immediately plugging the Wrestlemania main event like its a big deal, and also recapping the Brock/Ambrose parking lot brawl that was posted on the Facebook page. I like it when they do stuff like this, if you're going to constantly brag about how many social media followers you have you may as well use it to your advantage!

Vince comes out to present this award that was announced last week. This is another thing where I don't understand why they don't do it more often, leaving people to speculate about these things lets them get themselves riled up and excited. Some people seriously thought it was going to be CM Punk for god's sake. 

Regardless of the rumours on the internet the recipient wasn't CM Punk or Kurt Angle or the entire alumni section on WWE.com but Stephanie McMahon. After a short promo Shane McMahon's music hits since appealing to nostalgia when creative dries up is another annual tradition around this time of year. Shane gets a huge pop for god knows what reason, I don't think people were this excited to see The Rock when he returned in 2011. 

Shane has aged about 100 years and comes off a little bit Alan Partridge, he says Stephanie doesn't deserve the award because ratings and stock have plummeted and talent injuries are out of control under her watch. Real life authority figures doing worked shoots about real life company problems within the context of a wrestling show, somewhere Vince Russo is polishing a boner. Also something about Vince screwing up years ago and Shane bailing him out...*checks video timer* THIS SHOW IS 25 MINUTES IN I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT

Shane finally gets to the point and says he wants to run Monday Night Raw. Vince agrees...on the condition that Shane wrestles one match one night and wins...and if Shane loses Vince gets his lockbox of...stuff he holds over his head?? I feel like I've missed a year of television watching this. The crowd chants "You Still Got It!" at Shane and I usually hate those chants but I have to agree on this one, Shane probably still can punch people in the face for real or do this: 


Vince announces the match Shane will have, it'll be at Wrestlemania...against the Undertaker...in Hell in a Cell. What the FUCK is going on, I know they don't have an actually good opponent for Taker this year but have I fallen into some 14 year old's fantasy booking league? 

This entire segment reminded me of TNA Impact in 2010.

FUN FACT: I stopped watching TNA Impact in 2010.

Segment #2 - The Lucha Dragons and Neville Vs The New Day

The last segment made me feel like I've fallen back in time, but now I see the Lucha Dragons and Neville are randomly teaming again and New Day is still doing nothing so time hasn't gone backwards but it's also not going forward either. The guys do what they can but it's a throwaway five minute match until New Day pick up the win.

The announcers hype up Shane McMahon Vs Undertaker...*sigh* Even if you're actually excited about that match can you at least stop and think about how sad it is that the current roster is so thin right now they had to get SHANE McMAHON for the Undertaker match this year.

Segment #3 - Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar promo

I needed this so bad after the opening segment. After 25 minutes of a bunch of millionaires reading each other's fanfiction and sprinkling some SHOOTING into it (RATINGS are down you guys, RATINGS, that's REAL) here's Paul Heyman who immediately establishes why you should care about Brock Lesnar, why he's angry, what he's done and why and what he's going to do. 

After a passionate yet to the point Heyman promo, an ambulance shows up at the arena driven by Dean Ambrose (he did this exact thing with a police car to Rollins last year but we'll let that go). Ambrose crawls his way down to the ring, Lesnar steps on his head and Heyman drops a mic by his head, Ambrose challenges him to a street fight at Wrestlemania. Lesnar responds by F5ing him on the floor. This crowd that went wild for Shane McMahon confirms themselves as trash by chanting "one more time". Other than that this was pretty much perfect, WWE seem to be making a statement by announcing all the Wrestlemania matches earlier than usual this year.

Segment #4 - The Usos Vs The Ascension

I had completely forgotten about the angle where the Dudleys turned on the Usos two weeks ago, but then again I also forgot the Ascension were on the roster at all. The Dudleys cut a promo on Usos before this match saying what they did was nothing personal, then make fun of their dad. The Ascension attack the Usos from behind but the match is still basically a squash in favour of Jimmy and Jey. 

(Note: Just like last week we're halfway through the show now and I have no idea what the main event segment/match is)

Segment #5 - AJ Styles and Chris Jericho Vs Curtis Axel and Heath Slater

Jericho cuts a promo about his matches with AJ Styles before the match. He says he had three matches with AJ with each one better than the last...nah mate, the Smackdown one was the best of the 3. He goes on to say the match at Fast Lane was one of the best he's had in years...okay, THAT one is probably true. Jericho calls AJ down to the ring, telling him that it's a good thing that AJ beat him because if he hadn't it probably would have derailed his WWE career, presumably backstage all the Wyatt Family members break everything in their locker room.

After AJ and Jericho shake hands the Social Outcasts come out and make fun of them for making up. Jericho declares himself and AJ a team, I'm not sure if he means just for tonight or not, I have no idea what either guy is going to do at Wrestlemania so anything's possible. Jericho taps out Axel with the Walls while AJ takes out the rest of the Outcasts with a huge springboard dive.

Backstage Stephanie tells Roman he has a match with Sheamus tonight, because we gotta get those RATINGS and STOCKS up, and she implies that Sheamus is going to try and injure him so he forfeits his match at Wrestlemania, OOOHHHHH, another INJURY, IS THIS A SHOOT? AM I WATCHING A REAL RUSTLE RIGHT NOW?

Oh wait after this Goldust gives R-Truth a cake that looks like a tyre covered in shit, sorry I forgot this is a pantomime for babies. 


"Snickers" Shane McMahon Vs The Undertaker

Segment #6 - The Wyatt Family Vs Ryback, Kane and Big Show

I would snark about WWE treating us to this match again but I'm too distracted by Michael Cole announcing Wrestlemania's partnership with Snicker during the Wyatts entrance. Did Bray accidentally rub his beard across Vince's arm? What have they done to get treated like this on television. 

This crowd has been vocal all night but they were dead silent for this outside of stuff like "Goldberg" chants, there were two hot tags in this match and neither got so much as a whisper. What I don't understand about American crowds is y'all will crap all over a guy and jeer at him, but you still chant along with him when he does his "Feed Me More" stuff? It's like you really enjoy chanting stuff but you're also not very creative. 

Bray was in this match instead of Strowman so he picks up the win for the team by pinning Kane. But they only won because Ryback abandoned his teammates for some reason. So I guess that's why the Wyatts lost last night, the babyface team needed to be put over to hype up the Wrestlemania main event of Ryback Vs Kane.

Ryback is interviewed backstage and says it was nothing personal he just has to stand on his own now and break the glass ceiling. JBL says "then why go out with them?" Oh god, now the colour commentator is pointing it out when things don't make sense, this show really is becoming TNA Impact in 2010,

Segment #7 - Sasha Banks Vs Naomi

Sasha makes short work of Naomi with a little bit of help from Becky Lynch. Charlotte comes out and says there will be a match between Sasha and Becky to determine who will face her for the Divas Championship at Wrestlemania. Right now in NXT there's a storyline where Samoa Joe and Sami Zayn keep failing to determine a winner in No 1 Contendership matches, and I expect something like that will happen here so we get a triple threat at Wrestlemania. LET'S WAIT AND SEE WHICH SHOW HANDLES THIS BETTER.

The Godfather is announced for the Hall of Fame Class of 2016, doesn't even get a proper video for it.

Segment #8 - Sheamus Vs Roman Reigns

So I'm guessing a bunch of people got excited during the opening segment because Shane McMahon mentioned DROPPING RATINGS and CHANGE, and then on the same show they put the rivalry that caused some of the lowest Raw ratings ever back in the main event. Five minutes into the match the League of Nation members are ejected from ringside by the referee despite the fact this entire match is supposed to be an Authority plot.

Roman spears Sheamus on the outside and Triple H's music hits as he comes out in his leather jacket. A brawl kicks off and Roman gets booed on every shot he gets. Triple H hits Roman with a chair and pounds on him causing Roman to get severely bloody. It's weird how when Triple H beat down Daniel Bryan two years ago he had to handcuff him first, now in 2016 with the 265 pound Roman Reigns he pretty much beats him up in a straight fight. Triple H mocks Roman's Superman punch, does the DX crotch chop and holds up the WWE title to the crowd, and is loved for it.

Closing Thoughts

Uh, I think I hated the opening segment so much it kind of tainted what I said about everything else. But god DAMN did I hate that opening segment and I know I'm probably the only chump in the world who did so I'm probably the only person who didn't love this show. I hate "worked shoot" stuff (especially when it doesn't make any sense), I hate WWE's reliance on authority figures so introducing another one isn't going to excite me and I have zero interest in Shane McMahon as a personality or a performer. Watching him hulk out and beat up three guys (one of which was the WWE Champion) in 2009 was embarrassing and if he does anything like that to the Undertaker at Wrestlemania it will be sacrilegious. 

On the whole though, I have to say WWE went all in on this show. A lot of Wrestlemania matches pushed, also a weird amount of swearing and even a fairly graphic blood spot in a "older dudes PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO US Wrestlemania will be cool WE SWEAR" sort of way.

I'm sure the developments on this show got a ton of people talking and distracted them from how disappointed they were at the end of Fast Lane, so I will begrudgingly admit this show was a success. 

THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE