Here's this week's Raw Recap, a thing I write every week as Raw goes on to spare my Twitter followers from a conga line of cold takes every Tuesday morning.
After Roadblock threatened to completely reshaping Wrestlemania and...literally nothing changed whatsoever, we're on the homestretch with the first of three final Raws to piece together the biggest show of the year.
Segment #1 - WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP - New Day Vs Rusev and Alberto Del Rio
Feels like a rare treat whenever Raw starts off with a match and not the identical 15-20 minute Authority/Cena/Reigns opening promo. Also New Day had their promo interrupted by a heel team for an appropriate crowd reaction for once, I wonder if Vince even realises that the past couple of weeks New Day have been making jokes about eating out people's assholes and getting away with it. JBL's got a new thing where he keeps comparing the League of Nations to the Four Horsemen and my nipples invert in protest every time he does it.
Anyway, League of Nations initially got a tag team title shot by getting made fun of on social media and not doing anything about it, and now the other two members get their own title shot because their friends lost. Xavier wrestles instead of Kofi which made me worry they were going to lose but Xavier managed to pull it out. I liked the finish because it involves Kofi taking out the other two guy League members by himself to distract Rusev, who Xavier then gets a dirty pin on. It's a good way to establish New Day as the babyface team without them having a personality change overnight.
All four League members beat down New Day after the match establishing their turn. Someone big needs to turn heel soon, the current WWE roster right now feels like a scramble to get to fight the one major villain, it's like Mortal Kombat. There was an awkward moment during the beatdown where Xavier was caught up in the turnbuckle and several League members went to let him down but the referee kept stopping them and the production team kept awkwardly cutting away. I don't know if they liked the image and wanted it to linger a bit longer, or if the League's timing was off, or if their was genuine concern for Xavier's safety but it was an awkward footnote on what was otherwise an effective angle.
Oh, and Big E never goes for a pin after that splash he does and I hate that. A running splash in the middle of the ring with no cover isn't a good setup move Biggles do something else.
Segment #2 - Dean Ambrose, Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman confrontation
Ambrose briefly mentions Roadblock but doesn't linger on it too much, which is probably for the best but he should have made a bigger deal out of the fact he did have Triple H beat. Paul Heyman interrupts and makes it clear he wants to see Brock destroy Ambrose but has reasons to not let it happen since Brock needs a big match for Wrestlemania. Paul Heyman leaves but Brock hesitates and makes his way down to the ring anyway but Ambrose keeps him out with a crowbar. It took Michael Cole about a minute to even notice Ambrose had a crowbar, and JBL shouted "this guy doesn't have a brain in his body!"...so going down to the ring and calling out Lesnar would have been smarter without a weapon? GET NEW ANNOUNCERS.
Segment #3 - Sin Cara Vs Ryback
Imagine if instead of Kalisto this feud was Ryback versus the original Sin Cara, what a beautiful disaster that could have been. The match doesn't last long, Ryback hits a Shellshock twice on Sin Cara for the win, then Ryback challenges Kalisto for the title at Wrestlemania.
Segment #4 - Stephanie McMahon and Triple H promo
Stephanie welcomes everyone to Monday Night Raw even though she's in the fourth segment, I guess when you have to start every show with the exact same promo for a couple of years you can be prone to going on autopilot. She introduced Triple H who goes on about Authority for what feels like an hour. The only time he gets any significant heat in this rambling is the couple of times he implies that people love Roman Reigns.
To stop this promo from overrunning into Wrestlemania 35 Dolph Ziggler interrupts to a hilarious non-reaction, I think even the Ziggler fans knew he's coming out to DIE. Maybe Ziggler just suffers under the iron grip of the WWE writers but after years of watching him attempt to do promos I can't imagine him doing standup or whatever his other interests are. Triple H says he's not going to fire Ziggler because people love him, that gets a tepid reaction so he says "no no really, you guys love Dolph Ziggler right???", on a third attempt this crowd wakes up a little.
Not to be too hard on Ziggler, it's not really his fault that this doesn't work. He's done little of substance in months, the last proper storyline he was in was god awful so when he comes out and starts complaining about this and that putting him down he just comes off as a whiny crybaby. When Daniel Bryan was doing this kind of stuff he was beating Randy Orton and wrestling main events every week and surviving ridiculous matches and beatdowns every week, Ziggler typically wrestles 3-5 minutes in the third segment. As mentioned earlier on most Raws this segment would start the show, clearly someone didn't think Ziggler would be a strong enough hook to hold people for the full three hours.
Anyway, Stephanie puts Dolph in a match with Triple H later tonight, if Ziggler wins he gets any match he wants at Wrestlemania other than a WWE title match.
Segment #5 - Sami Zayn Vs The Miz
I'm guessing if Ziggler wins he's going to want a Wrestlemania match against Miz so they can settle their 10290-10290 match tie on the grandest stage. Zayn does his fakeout recovery moonsault early in the match but the WWE cameras don't show Miz moving out of the way first so he just looks silly. Kevin Owens is on commentary and is salty about Zayn throughout the match.
Byron Saxton: "Don't you remember Sami Zayn eliminated you from the Royal Rumble?"
KO: "Byron, would you like to be eliminated from this announce team right now?"
Owens tries to distract Zayn, but gets clobbered by Miz from behind since Owens walked out on him on Smackdown in a tag match, so the finish actually comes with Owens distracting Miz for a Zayn win.
The League of Nations challenges New Day to a title match at Wrestlemania, because nothing earns you a title match in this company harder than losing two in a row. They don't specify any kind of match or who will be in the match so...okay. But there will be A League Vs New Day match at Wrestlemania.
Segment #6 - Alicia Fox and Brie Bella Vs Tamina and Naomi
Sorry, especially in a world where WWE actually put on decent women's matches every now and then you cannot pay me to care about the worst Diva Vs the greenest Diva. Lana distracts Brie and team BA win or something. Wait no, I'm really poor right now, if you're willing to pay me to care I will happily watch this again and break it down move for move.
Social Outcasts sell some meat, still like this team better than the League.
Paige and Lana sass each other on a backstage interview, looking like WWE is going to throw all the other Divas in some big and hopefully short tag match.
Charlotte is interviewed about her Wrestlemania match and rags on Sasha and Becky for being a bunch of noobs in NXT and how she's better than them.
Segment #7 - The Usos Vs Bo Dallas and Adam Rose
Social Outcasts now have proper team gear and colours, I am not joking in the slightest when I say they're a better team than the League. The Dudleys are on commentary but walk off almost immediately, the Usos win despite Dudley distraction and interference from Slater and Axel. Not much of a match, just giving Usos a win.
As rumoured Mick Foley shows up and talks to Dean Ambrose backstage. Mick Foley asks Ambrose why he wants this match with Lesnar when he knows he's going to get hurt. Ambrose asks him why he kept going at Hell in a Cell, Foley says "because I'm Mick Foley, and that's what I did" and Ambrose responds in the same matter. Foley tells him since his mind is made up he has a little present for him, and gives him the barbed wire baseball bat. Wish it had gone on longer than it did but I had a smile on my face through this whole thing.
Segment #8 - Dolph Ziggler Vs Triple H
I knew they did the Ziggler/HHH promo in the second hour because they didn't think he was a strong enough hook for the show...but I somewhat foolishly assumed it would at least main event the show but NOPE ends the second hour. I did enjoy the match a lot though, I struggle to get into a lot of Ziggler matches because he goes too fast and doesn't let anything sink in, but big Trips kept the pace down and worked the shoulder which played into the whole match. Triple H tries to catch Dolph with a quick Pedigree off a count out attempt like he did with Ambrose, Dolph gets out of it, dunks himself on his own head off a failed Zig Zag attempt and then goes down for the Pedigree.
After the match Roman Reigns returns and the most awkward high level feud brawl I've ever seen breaks out, Reigns initial takedown looked like it was in slow motion. As ever the crowd is an awkward collage of pockets of boos and cheers. When it gets going there's good images of Triple H trying to desperately get away from Reigns with blood all over his head with Reigns sending referees and security people flying which will look great in a promo package. Reigns gets stopped by his closest family and friends The Usos, Jack Swagger and Mark Henry.
The Triple H Vs Roman Reigns match is one of the most bizarre Wrestlemania main events in history, a heel legend that can barely beat scrublords like Dolph Ziggler Vs the most rejected hero since Raiden, both involved in some of the most violent segments in years yet people barely care. I'm genuinely interested in what's going to happen even if it's more morbid curiousity than excitement. Even if they do the most by the book match possible with Reigns winning and celebrating with The Rock it's going to be an interesting crowd reaction.
Backstage, R-Truth asks Goldust if he wants to be a penguin, Goldust says no, and SCENE.
Segment #9 - Chris Jericho Vs Neville
Jericho cuts another promo on the fans for liking AJ Styles more than him and says AJ isn't that good. Diva Jericho is best Jericho. Neville hurts himself by inverting his ankle on a slide, he was visibly limping and Jericho goes for a roll up that Neville awkwardly kicks out of, causing Jericho to push the referee and get disqualified which I guess must have been the intended finish.
Jericho buys some time by cutting another promo, AJ Styles makes his return and hits Jericho with a flying forearm, probably a mistake to do this immediately after the Reigns return but I imagine the match was supposed to go a lot longer than it did. Jericho did his best to save this but it still didn't come off great, at time of writing there's no update on Neville but hopefully he's not seriously injured.
Segment #10 - Undertaker, Vince and Shane McMahon promo
Vince talks about how bad Shane is going to get hurt at Wrestlemania, and then introduces the Undertaker for some reason even though that didn't exactly go well the last time he did that. Shane McMahon gets a bigger pop than Undertaker which is infuriating, completely unjustifiable nostalgia droolings. Seeing balding Undertaker in the ring with grey haired jeans wearing Shane McMahon at the same time is really highlighting how absurd this match is. Shane talks about how he plans to beat up the Undertaker which is so silly it comes off as a heel promo, especially when everyone laughs at him for screwing up a line and saying his punches are going to miss. I'm just imagining someone tuning into this show for the first time and seeing three old men yelling each other with one saying he's hired a zombie to beat up his son in a cage for the control of the company.
Undertaker and Shane fight, Shane irritatingly holds his own for a while until Vince pushes him into the Undertaker for a chokeslam, then Undertaker chases Vince out of the ring. One thing I didn't get about this promo is Shane brings up the question of why Undertaker would help Vince or even be in this match in the first place, which is then instantly dropped with no explanation. This match is indefensibly ridiculous and nonsensical no matter what angle you look at it, don't bring up questions you don't need to especially if you don't have the answers.
Closing Thoughts
A decent Raw, it's nice to see people actually showing up to promote their Wrestlemania matches this year. The problem with assessing these shows is Triple H Vs Reigns and Shane Vs Taker are two utterly bizarre main events for Wrestlemania for a variety of reasons so any segments building towards them are fighting an uphill battle. This is definitely one of the more intriguing Wrestlemanias in years even if it's mostly for really bad reasons.
There was a bunch of good stuff on the show, main issue is perhaps there was too much on one show? Brock and Dean got lost inbetween all the violence a bit, and there were two major beatdowns with two returns from beatdowns as well as the grandpa date to close the show. Still, unlike last year with every passing week the overall card takes shape and we learn a little more about why we should care about each one.
THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE, HELD ABOVE A VENT BLOWING THEM SLIGHTLY FURTHER UP BUT NOT QUITE KEEPING THEM THERE
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