We're on the homestretch to the biggest show of the year, and the finalised card isn't as bad as initially feared but it does still seem to be about 60% duct tape. The running theme of this year's Wrestlemania build has been "morbid curiosity" where you're not necessarily excited by the developments but you still have to see how in god's name this is all going to turn out. So, let's add to the mandatory pile of PREVIEW CONTENT and talk about these matches and who's going to come out victorious on this somehow-weirder-looking-than-Wrestlemania-27 card!
Note: Wrestlemania 27 featured Snooki, Michael Cole and "Dr Doom" Cody Rhodes wrestling with The Miz in the main event.
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP: Triple H(c) Vs Roman Reigns
Oh BABY, the match will probably be okay but I'm sure the crowd is going to make this amazing. Hopefully they don't even bother with having too complicated of a match and just start hitting each other with the "YAY"s and "BOO"s telling the story.
Here's the thing, you can rant all day long about what a failure Roman Reigns is or how he's going to get torn apart by the Wrestlemania crowd, but he can't lose here. There's no value in keeping the WWE Championship on Triple H, he's only got that thing to feud with Roman in the first place, and whether it's going to pay off or not Roman Reigns has had too much invested in him to go to the Wrestlemania main event twice in a row and fail. Whether he's going to succeed or not in his WWE future is still uncertain, but if he loses this match he's DEAD.
PREDICTIONS: The Rock will almost certainly be making his appearance during this match. He'll probably fight off some Triple H related goons. My guess is this match will be made no disqualification at some point so they can get away with more nonsense and make it a fight.
What also might happen is Triple H actually does win through some shenanigans, and a freshly in charge Shane McMahon comes out and reverses the decision.
WINNER: Roman Reigns
NO HOLDS BARRED STREET FIGHT: Dean Ambrose Vs Brock Lesnar
Yes, as has been made perfectly clear, this is a NO HOLDS BARRED Street Fight, as opposed to those other street fights where a bunch of muggers attack you in an alley and get DQed for using the piledriver.
This is probably going to end up as the most fun match of the night, but even with this there's genuine concerns. A lot of people see this as Ambrose's breakout moment into super stardom, but the crowd might end up loving Brock too much to really care about an Ambrose comeback. This might end up turning into an attempt to recreate the magic of Austin Vs Hart from Wrestlemania 13, but as much as I like Ambrose I'm not convinced it's going to work.
PREDICTIONS: I can't imagine Brock losing here to be honest, but they can get a lot of mileage out of him failing to beat Ambrose too so he doesn't necessarily have to. I hope at some point in the match we see Ambrose chase Brock off with the chainsaw.
WINNER: Brock Lesnar
HELL IN A CELL MATCH: Shane McMahon Vs The Undertaker
What a difference two years makes huh? This time in 2014 we were all talking about how there's no way Brock Lesnar can beat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania, now not only are most people convinced Shane McMahon can beat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania but they seem entirely fine with that scenario.
I'm going to be honest here, I don't have a god damn clue what to think here, this match is absurd from every angle you can look at it from. If Shane loses this entire thing is pointless, but how in god's name is Shane McMahon supposed to beat the Undertaker, and if the Undertaker loses then it's his last match. Is the Undertaker seriously going to retire with SHANE MCMAHON as his last opponent? Also, we're supposed to want Shane to win to take control of the company, which will start a new GOLDEN AGE or whatever, so not only does he have to beat the Undertaker he has to beat him and come out of the match as the face. Some people have suggested maybe the Undertaker will see the holy light of Shane McMahon and let him win for the greater good, but 1) imagine how crap that would be as his last ever match and 2) that's horrifically out of character. Maybe Shane will redact the retirement stipulation if he gets power but...that's really...cheap.
There's also the issue that the match probably isn't going to be very good. Undertaker can smoke and mirrors this to a decent match but it's not going to join the ranks of his Wrestlemania classics.
Another problem with this match is when it's supposed to happen, if Shane wins he gets control of the company, and if that happens it might undermine the threat of Triple H going into the WWE Championship match. So, is there a chance...this match is going to go on last? Probably not, but it sure is another headache for the creative team!
PREDICTIONS: Undertaker is going to kill Vince at some point either during or after the match, probably after if he's losing. Shane McMahon will probably take some ridiculous bump which insufferable nerds will insist makes him BETTER THAN THE WRESTLERS even though the reason they don't take those bumps is because...y'know, they're not the son of the boss and they have to wrestle 300 times a year for their CAREER.
The whole pointlessness of this if Shane loses is making me lean closer towards him winning. I don't want to see Shane McMahon beat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania. To be honest I don't want to see that charisma vacuum on television at all, but them's the breaks.
Hoping that WWE pulls some rabbit out of the hat here that justifies all this and makes me look like a dang fool, but honestly, I'm kind of dreading this match.
WINNER: Shane McMahon
WYATT FAMILY APPEARANCE
So these dorks aren't on the card (although some of them might show up in the battle royal) but there's a lot of buzz about them getting a big push after Wrestlemania so most people are assuming they're going to show up in one of the main events. I will say I think their scuffles with Lesnar and Ambrose are a deliberate misdirection and we won't see them show up there. They could show up in the Cell match, but what does that lead to other than Taker beating Bray for the third time?
My guess is they'll show up as Triple H's goon squad and get fought off by a Reigns/Rock tag team effort. Although this entire thing could be a misdirection in itself and they actually just get sidelined like the losers they were exposed as at Fast Lane.
DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Charlotte(c) Vs Becky Lynch Vs Sasha Banks
I think WWE are going to want to punctuate the DIVAS REVOLUTION™ with a title change so Charlotte's probably not winning here. Absolute coin flip on whether WWE are going to be investing in Pall Mall or Vine Street though.
The match will probably be pretty good but if it sounds like I'm not that interested in it then it's because WWE don't seem interested in it either. The fact it's a triple threat match at all makes it feel like an afterthought, "ahhh, we pushed the Divas we need a Wrestlemania match with them I guess, put 3 of the good'uns in the ring together!"
PREDICTIONS: Ric Flair will take a bump, we'll see gals apply double submissions and get put into double submissions, JBL will still be too drunk to tell the difference between them.
WINNER: Sasha Banks
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: New Day(c) Vs League of Nations
If I was in the League of Nations I'd be sending Vince McMahon a nice gift wrapped hamper filled with protein and vitamins as a thank you for not condemning me to the Andre the Giant Battle Royal this year. We've got a 4-on-3 match, which can either be used to cement New Day as faces by overcoming the odds or to give them the best Wrestlemania moment they could hope for and finally free them from the shackles of the tag team division.
PREDICTIONS: The League cheats to win and becomes the tag team champions, only to lose the titles the next night on Raw due to New Day...possibly to a debuting Sawft? The teams have a blowoff match at Extreme Rules where New Day get their win back, and all involved get to move on to better and brighter things...especially Wade Barrett who's leaving the company soon and won't have to pretend to be excited about the League of Nations any more.
WINNERS: League of Nations
EDIT: Since initially writing this the match has been changed so the tag team titles are not on the line. There seems literally no reason to make that change unless you wanted the League to go over but keep the belts on New Day, so I'm sticking with them!
ANOTHER EDIT: After thinking about it for another 15 seconds on top of the initial 5 seconds it occurs to me there's really no reason for New Day to lose this match if you're not taking the titles off them either way. So I will in fact change my pick to the New Day and feel like the biggest jerkwad in the world if they don't win.
AJ Styles Vs Chris Jericho
This match hasn't been confirmed yet at time of writing but it almost certainly will be on Raw. I can't think of any other examples off the top of my head of two guys wrestling in the fourth match of their feud at Wrestlemania when one of them is already 2-1 up on the other. Fortunately Jericho has transitioned beautifully from the WWE's resident embarrassing dad to the WWE's grumpiest dad and has helped make another match between the two of them interesting.
PREDICTIONS: It's probably not going to go as long as their other matches, but with Jericho in full heel mode and a huge Wrestlemania crowd that'll be hot for AJ it's a hell of an opportunity to make him look like a star. This match already feels like an extension of the feud, I don't think they're going to drag it out another month, if Jericho wins they'll be tied again at 2-2 so odds are looking good for AJ.
WINNER: AJ Styles
UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP: Kalisto(c) Vs Ryback
This match is built on the assumption that Kalisto is an underdog champion and "little guys can't beat big guys", so I guess WWE have completely forgotten that Kalisto's "push" began with him getting a surprise clean win on Ryback in the first place.
I'm not convinced by Kalisto's push in the slightest to be honest, and the way he's been presented on television makes him look like a loser who's been getting lucky. On NXT, Finn Balor is one of the smallest guys on the roster, but it's accepted that the fact he's the NXT Champion makes him one of the best. It leaves him as a credible champion, but when he's wrestling someone like Samoa Joe or Baron Corbin size still plays into the matches because he's a good worker and...HI, one guy being bigger than another big is really visually obvious and doesn't have to be beaten into our skulls thanks.
PREDICTIONS: This could go either way, both guys are getting "sort of" pushed but not in a way where either of them have any real momentum. Ryback was turned heel a few weeks ago for the purpose of this match, whether that was to give Kalisto a credible opponent or give Ryback a fresh run as United States Champion is anyone's guess. And hey, it's the United States Championship, they could literally have either guy win this and then do a rematch the next night on Raw and change/return the title with it being equally meaningful. But it's WRESTLEMANIA so I'll go with the plucky little guy for this.
WINNER: Kalisto
Andre the Giant Battle Royal
I'm sorry what now.
I like having battle royals at Wrestlemania, they're usually as least a little fun and it gets everyone on the show! But boy oh boy did it not take WWE long to completely strip this of any meaning, last year Big Show won it for no other reason than "I've never won a battle royal before and I'd like to" and that wasn't even true, this means nothing. With all the injuries and padding of the card this year it feels like even more of a joke, imagine how much you must hate your life if Zack Ryder and Sin Cara are considered too high level to be in the battle royal but you're not.
PREDICTIONS: I can't even be bothered to look up who's in this thing, so I'll just fall in line and thoughtlessly agree with the internet like a noob. I can't imagine anything I would care about less.
WINNER: Braun Strowman
The Dudleys Vs The Usos
Oh god they found something I care about less.
I don't even know what it is about this that doesn't click. This is an increasingly less popular opinion, but I really like the Usos! They were legitimately one of the best parts of the show back in 2013/14 when they were feuding with the Shield and the Wyatts and occasionally dipping their toes in main event angles. But they've been doing the same thing for years, then one of them got injured for a long time, and they came back doing the same thing. People are just bored of them and they've barely got anyone left to work with now. The Dudleys are great too...but...eh...
Maybe it's because WWE have beaten into my head over the last decade that a tag team "feud" means "they wrestle on Raw every single week" and for this they've actually dragged it out and avoided having a match.
PREDICTIONS: This might get turned into a tables match soon, and since the Dudleys have come out on top on almost all their encounters and the Usos are yet to get revenge for being put through tables themselves they'll probably be getting the win.
WINNERS: The Usos
GOOD DIVAS VS BAD DIVAS
Another match that hasn't been officially announced yet but probably will be. Whatever, Brie Bella will probably get a win for her team and ride off into the sunset.
WINNER: Good Divas
INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP LADDER MATCH: Kevin Owens(c) Vs Sami Zayn Vs The Miz Vs Dolph Ziggler Vs Zack Ryder Vs Sin Cara Vs Stardust
You have NO IDEA how proud I am of myself that I was able to remember all seven of the guys without looking it up.
Anyway, a lot of people seem down on this match and I'm fine with it. It's literally the Kevin Owens show, he was goddamn great on Raw last week and screwed himself into a seven way ladder match with a bunch of losers. Also these kinds of matches are good for huge stadium shows, seven guys going out and doing a bunch of wild stuff is a great way to get the energy up in the building early in the night.
If there's one complaint I have about this match it's I don't entirely understand why Zayn was called up for it, maybe they just felt he deserved a Wrestlemania spot for all his work over the past two years. I'm not so much annoyed by the fact it's not Owens Vs Zayn one on one as I am they've gone for this and put Zayn in it anyway.
PREDICTIONS: Hopefully Kevin Owens finds a way to retain through some shenanigans, maybe Zayn goes wild near the end and clears out a bunch of guys by himself and Owens takes advantage of him at the last second. I don't think Miz and Ziggler can fit any more Intercontinental title belts in their homes so they've probably requested management to make them lose, Stardust and Sin Cara have no real chance, and Zack Ryder seems to be getting positioned as a possible outside favourite as they've been making a big deal about this being his first major Wrestlemania match...but it still seems unlikely.
Hopefully Owens retains and slides into a proper feud with Zayn after this.
WINNER: Kevin Owens
So that's Wrestlemania 32, it sure is shaping up to be a big steaming bowl of weirdness if nothing else. I will say WWE have done a decent job of pulling a legitimate-ish Wrestlemania card out their holes considering how relatively little they had to work with.
I will say, as much as I'm not excited for a lot of these matches, last year I was flat out bored on the road to Wrestlemania. Wrestlemania 31 ended up being pretty good in the end but it had zero momentum heading into it and none of us saw that coming. At least this year people are paying attention and seem invested in what's going to happen...even if it's for the wrong reasons more often than not.
I can't vouch for this card and predict this is going to be a good Wrestlemania, but it's definitely not going to be a forgettable one, and hey that's better than nothing!
Also NXT Takeover Dallas sounds amazing so it'll be a good weekend either way.
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