Welcome to my Raw recap thing where I write down stuff about this television show as I watch it to show mercy upon my Twitter followers.
Opening Thoughts
So Fast Lane was a BAD show, and it's that frustrating kind of bad where smart people (like ME) were saying four weeks before the show aired why it wasn't going to work. The main event didn't work for the exact reasons everyone was saying it wasn't going to work, and the fact there was no creative spark added to the match to even remotely justify its existence makes it borderline insulting.
So here we are, the first of six Monday Night Raws heading into Wrestlemania. Roman Reigns is main eventing it and he's coming off getting booed AGAIN because for no reason he was put in a situation where he had to beat two guys everyone likes to get there. Let's see where they go from here.
Segment #1 - Vince McMahon Senior's Legacy of Excellence Award
The show gets out of the blocks strong by immediately plugging the Wrestlemania main event like its a big deal, and also recapping the Brock/Ambrose parking lot brawl that was posted on the Facebook page. I like it when they do stuff like this, if you're going to constantly brag about how many social media followers you have you may as well use it to your advantage!
Vince comes out to present this award that was announced last week. This is another thing where I don't understand why they don't do it more often, leaving people to speculate about these things lets them get themselves riled up and excited. Some people seriously thought it was going to be CM Punk for god's sake.
Regardless of the rumours on the internet the recipient wasn't CM Punk or Kurt Angle or the entire alumni section on WWE.com but Stephanie McMahon. After a short promo Shane McMahon's music hits since appealing to nostalgia when creative dries up is another annual tradition around this time of year. Shane gets a huge pop for god knows what reason, I don't think people were this excited to see The Rock when he returned in 2011.
Shane has aged about 100 years and comes off a little bit Alan Partridge, he says Stephanie doesn't deserve the award because ratings and stock have plummeted and talent injuries are out of control under her watch. Real life authority figures doing worked shoots about real life company problems within the context of a wrestling show, somewhere Vince Russo is polishing a boner. Also something about Vince screwing up years ago and Shane bailing him out...*checks video timer* THIS SHOW IS 25 MINUTES IN I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT
Shane finally gets to the point and says he wants to run Monday Night Raw. Vince agrees...on the condition that Shane wrestles one match one night and wins...and if Shane loses Vince gets his lockbox of...stuff he holds over his head?? I feel like I've missed a year of television watching this. The crowd chants "You Still Got It!" at Shane and I usually hate those chants but I have to agree on this one, Shane probably still can punch people in the face for real or do this:
Vince announces the match Shane will have, it'll be at Wrestlemania...against the Undertaker...in Hell in a Cell. What the FUCK is going on, I know they don't have an actually good opponent for Taker this year but have I fallen into some 14 year old's fantasy booking league?
This entire segment reminded me of TNA Impact in 2010.
FUN FACT: I stopped watching TNA Impact in 2010.
Segment #2 - The Lucha Dragons and Neville Vs The New Day
The last segment made me feel like I've fallen back in time, but now I see the Lucha Dragons and Neville are randomly teaming again and New Day is still doing nothing so time hasn't gone backwards but it's also not going forward either. The guys do what they can but it's a throwaway five minute match until New Day pick up the win.
The announcers hype up Shane McMahon Vs Undertaker...*sigh* Even if you're actually excited about that match can you at least stop and think about how sad it is that the current roster is so thin right now they had to get SHANE McMAHON for the Undertaker match this year.
Segment #3 - Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar promo
I needed this so bad after the opening segment. After 25 minutes of a bunch of millionaires reading each other's fanfiction and sprinkling some SHOOTING into it (RATINGS are down you guys, RATINGS, that's REAL) here's Paul Heyman who immediately establishes why you should care about Brock Lesnar, why he's angry, what he's done and why and what he's going to do.
After a passionate yet to the point Heyman promo, an ambulance shows up at the arena driven by Dean Ambrose (he did this exact thing with a police car to Rollins last year but we'll let that go). Ambrose crawls his way down to the ring, Lesnar steps on his head and Heyman drops a mic by his head, Ambrose challenges him to a street fight at Wrestlemania. Lesnar responds by F5ing him on the floor. This crowd that went wild for Shane McMahon confirms themselves as trash by chanting "one more time". Other than that this was pretty much perfect, WWE seem to be making a statement by announcing all the Wrestlemania matches earlier than usual this year.
Segment #4 - The Usos Vs The Ascension
I had completely forgotten about the angle where the Dudleys turned on the Usos two weeks ago, but then again I also forgot the Ascension were on the roster at all. The Dudleys cut a promo on Usos before this match saying what they did was nothing personal, then make fun of their dad. The Ascension attack the Usos from behind but the match is still basically a squash in favour of Jimmy and Jey.
(Note: Just like last week we're halfway through the show now and I have no idea what the main event segment/match is)
Segment #5 - AJ Styles and Chris Jericho Vs Curtis Axel and Heath Slater
Jericho cuts a promo about his matches with AJ Styles before the match. He says he had three matches with AJ with each one better than the last...nah mate, the Smackdown one was the best of the 3. He goes on to say the match at Fast Lane was one of the best he's had in years...okay, THAT one is probably true. Jericho calls AJ down to the ring, telling him that it's a good thing that AJ beat him because if he hadn't it probably would have derailed his WWE career, presumably backstage all the Wyatt Family members break everything in their locker room.
After AJ and Jericho shake hands the Social Outcasts come out and make fun of them for making up. Jericho declares himself and AJ a team, I'm not sure if he means just for tonight or not, I have no idea what either guy is going to do at Wrestlemania so anything's possible. Jericho taps out Axel with the Walls while AJ takes out the rest of the Outcasts with a huge springboard dive.
Backstage Stephanie tells Roman he has a match with Sheamus tonight, because we gotta get those RATINGS and STOCKS up, and she implies that Sheamus is going to try and injure him so he forfeits his match at Wrestlemania, OOOHHHHH, another INJURY, IS THIS A SHOOT? AM I WATCHING A REAL RUSTLE RIGHT NOW?
Oh wait after this Goldust gives R-Truth a cake that looks like a tyre covered in shit, sorry I forgot this is a pantomime for babies.
"Snickers" Shane McMahon Vs The Undertaker
Segment #6 - The Wyatt Family Vs Ryback, Kane and Big Show
I would snark about WWE treating us to this match again but I'm too distracted by Michael Cole announcing Wrestlemania's partnership with Snicker during the Wyatts entrance. Did Bray accidentally rub his beard across Vince's arm? What have they done to get treated like this on television.
This crowd has been vocal all night but they were dead silent for this outside of stuff like "Goldberg" chants, there were two hot tags in this match and neither got so much as a whisper. What I don't understand about American crowds is y'all will crap all over a guy and jeer at him, but you still chant along with him when he does his "Feed Me More" stuff? It's like you really enjoy chanting stuff but you're also not very creative.
Bray was in this match instead of Strowman so he picks up the win for the team by pinning Kane. But they only won because Ryback abandoned his teammates for some reason. So I guess that's why the Wyatts lost last night, the babyface team needed to be put over to hype up the Wrestlemania main event of Ryback Vs Kane.
Ryback is interviewed backstage and says it was nothing personal he just has to stand on his own now and break the glass ceiling. JBL says "then why go out with them?" Oh god, now the colour commentator is pointing it out when things don't make sense, this show really is becoming TNA Impact in 2010,
Segment #7 - Sasha Banks Vs Naomi
Sasha makes short work of Naomi with a little bit of help from Becky Lynch. Charlotte comes out and says there will be a match between Sasha and Becky to determine who will face her for the Divas Championship at Wrestlemania. Right now in NXT there's a storyline where Samoa Joe and Sami Zayn keep failing to determine a winner in No 1 Contendership matches, and I expect something like that will happen here so we get a triple threat at Wrestlemania. LET'S WAIT AND SEE WHICH SHOW HANDLES THIS BETTER.
The Godfather is announced for the Hall of Fame Class of 2016, doesn't even get a proper video for it.
Segment #8 - Sheamus Vs Roman Reigns
So I'm guessing a bunch of people got excited during the opening segment because Shane McMahon mentioned DROPPING RATINGS and CHANGE, and then on the same show they put the rivalry that caused some of the lowest Raw ratings ever back in the main event. Five minutes into the match the League of Nation members are ejected from ringside by the referee despite the fact this entire match is supposed to be an Authority plot.
Roman spears Sheamus on the outside and Triple H's music hits as he comes out in his leather jacket. A brawl kicks off and Roman gets booed on every shot he gets. Triple H hits Roman with a chair and pounds on him causing Roman to get severely bloody. It's weird how when Triple H beat down Daniel Bryan two years ago he had to handcuff him first, now in 2016 with the 265 pound Roman Reigns he pretty much beats him up in a straight fight. Triple H mocks Roman's Superman punch, does the DX crotch chop and holds up the WWE title to the crowd, and is loved for it.
Closing Thoughts
Uh, I think I hated the opening segment so much it kind of tainted what I said about everything else. But god DAMN did I hate that opening segment and I know I'm probably the only chump in the world who did so I'm probably the only person who didn't love this show. I hate "worked shoot" stuff (especially when it doesn't make any sense), I hate WWE's reliance on authority figures so introducing another one isn't going to excite me and I have zero interest in Shane McMahon as a personality or a performer. Watching him hulk out and beat up three guys (one of which was the WWE Champion) in 2009 was embarrassing and if he does anything like that to the Undertaker at Wrestlemania it will be sacrilegious.
On the whole though, I have to say WWE went all in on this show. A lot of Wrestlemania matches pushed, also a weird amount of swearing and even a fairly graphic blood spot in a "older dudes PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO US Wrestlemania will be cool WE SWEAR" sort of way.
I'm sure the developments on this show got a ton of people talking and distracted them from how disappointed they were at the end of Fast Lane, so I will begrudgingly admit this show was a success.
THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE
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