Top Ten WORST Games of this Generation

Well, I uncharacteristically decided to dwell on the positives first and cover my top ten favourite games of the current generation. A list that I'm already somewhat regretting, I could have done WAY better than that. 

Seems kind of silly to not even mention the other side of the coin when it's the more fun side of the coin, so due to the peer pressure inside my own brain here's my top ten WORST games of this generation. Although I should probably get a few disclaimers out of the way first: 

• I haven't played every video game in the world, as much as I'd like to...
• There's been significantly more bad games than good this generation (and I guess any generation really) so I find myself utterly indifferent to the majority of the ones they just suck. These picks have a special place in my heart/anus.
• Aside from maybe one or two I didn't really beat any of these games, which makes sense due to my intense hatred for them. This may mean I have even less to say about them than the games I liked, really my gut instinct for most of this list is just to write EUHRGHAHGH and call it a day.
• There's going to be so much cheating it won't even be funny, seriously, brace yourself for non-laughter. This list definitely won't contain 10 games, some of them won't be games at all, and some of them might not even actually be that bad. If this insult to top ten lists offends you then turn back now.
• Speaking of which, these are in no particular order other than the order I feel like writing about them in.
• I definitely forgot something because I'm an idiot.

Well, if you're still with me after that, let's get started!

CRACKDOWN 2

Look! A sequel to a game that was on the last list! Now they're like in canon with one another, so I'll start off with this game, I'm literally like the best writer ever. 

Crackdown 2 isn't the worst game ever made by any means, but I think it takes the prize of the worst sequel I've ever played. Pretty much one of the running themes of this generations, Arkham City and Uncharted 3 could have been here instead if I was feeling especially grouchy, but at least those games were actually sequels if not especially great ones. I adored the first Crackdown, the fact it took them three years to make a sequel, and they reused the same city before and basically removed every element of the original I really liked which made me ridiculously depressed when I actually got around to playing it (for about 15 minutes). 

This could have been THE franchise of the generation, Crackdown certainly should have been bigger than Assassin's Creed and Gears of War (btw, the only reason AC1 isn't on this list is because it had a good atmosphere, and the only reason Gears of War isn't on this list is because its design is borderline perfect...a fact that really upsets me), and it might have been able to derail Halo as Microsoft's main killer app. Considering I don't particularly care about any of the other games I mentioned, this too is depressing. 

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG 2006

This game would be the funniest game ever made if not slightly ruined by two things, first off there are seriously people out there who think this game was good, if there's ever been a game that's -objectively- terrible you'd think this would be it. These people are generally the sort to have Charmy the Bee as their Facebook profile picture and are easily avoided, do NOT make friends with them. They might seem normal at first but one day you'll be meeting up with them in town and they'll be dressed as a dog, and then get really passive-aggressive if you dare to bring it up. 

Oh, the other thing they slightly ruins it? This isn't even the worse SONIC game that came out in 2006. I'll let you Google that one yourselves. 

SILENT HILL HOMECOMING

Survival horror pretty much died this generation, it's up to the indie scene and Shinji Mikami to bring it back over the next five years. The worst game in this category was probably Amy (which I haven't played) or Alone in the Dark (which is way too funny to put on this list, seriously go play it if you haven't) but the most offensive release was undoubtedly Homecoming.

As much as Crackdown 2 upset me and as technically...well...unfinished Sonic 2006 was, I still think this game is a bigger failure on every single conceivable level. It's not scary, the story is full of holes, the dialogue feels like the words were chosen at random, and the combat engine is hilariously broken and probably takes the prize for the worst design decision of the generation. The most eerie part of the whole game is the fact you don't ever seem to be doing anything, at least half the game is just running from room to room "progressing" in dull grey environments, and then if you're good the game will let you backtrack through the level you just did (sometimes twice!)

It terrifies me that the team responsible for this are doing Strider...oh god...please be gentle to it.

WWE

None of the games in particular (and definitely not All Stars) but christ, I seriously can't think of a franchise that devolved more than this one. They barely register to me as video games any more, they're certainly not fighting games any more. And if they're not fighting games what are they? Simulation games? What are they simulating!? Because I've never seen a wrestling match on TV where one guy does a move, goes to pick up the other guy, gets low blowed, the other guy does a move, picks the guy up, gets low blowed, and they repeat until someone hits a finisher and wins. 

I cannot think of another game this generation that is so utterly devoid of game feel, moves have no punch, everything feels like a preset animation that you have no control or feel for (because it is), everything is limp, it's just nothing. At least when a kid grabs two wrestling action figures and smashes them together they get a bit of physical feedback, this is the gaming equivalent of pushing a shopping trolley around an empty car park. 

DAVID CAGE

I wanted to rag on Heavy Rain for a bit, but then I realised I've already deliberately left Alone in the Dark off the list for being too funny, and Heavy Rain was even funnier so that's out. Then I remembered I played the Beyond demo and almost threw my console out the window, you know David Cage the issue with your games was the story more than anything else, it wasn't the fact your games had -some- gameplay in them and removing it entirely won't help you. 

I also remembered that I played Fahrenheit (Indigo Prophecy) for the first time this generation and that was hilarious/awful too, and then there was that presentation at the PS4 announcement with the creepy 3D Jimmy Savile face model. So rather than pick on any of these games individually, the prize of number whatever on this list goes to the man himself. Shine on you crazy French diamond, unless shining on involves continuing to make games, in which case stop. 

DOKI DOKI MAJO SHINPAN!

Oh, you don't  know what this is? Good, because I barely do either, and it has nothing to do with the excellent Doki Doki Panic either. I've never played it (and refuse to converse with anyone who has) but I caught wind of it when it was mentioned in a Zero Punctuation video as a "game about child molestation", which I assumed was (mostly) a joke. I looked up the game on Wikipedia and...nope, it's basically that. It's something to do with feeling up schoolgirls to find a witch, there's some mark you have to find or something...and you need to use the Nintendo DS touch screen to tap panties until you find it. Also according to Wikipedia, the majority of the cast is under 16, and one of them is 12. ENTERTAINMENT.

It's not so much that this stuff offends me as creeps me out. Here's some factoids for ya, this game was released the same year as Legend of Zelda: The Phantom Hourglass and beat it in pre-order sales for that year in Japan, it spawned two sequels and there are seriously people complaining that it was never localised and released in the West. What you do in your free time is your business Japan, but keep it to yourself. 

DOUBLE DRAGON NEON

Wayforward really bug me, they're a wonderful clearly talented developer but they hold back basically all of their games by tying them down with some stupid feature from the NES games to make their titles feel as archaic as possible. Nostalgia blindness is irritating and out of control enough as it is, but when that idiotic mentality starts breaking into game developers we're all screwed. And no, I have nothing against old games, if anything it's the opposite, but some games and gameplay mechanics don't age well and frankly...were never good ideas and bringing them back for the sake of "nostalgia" or "tradition" is moronic.

Double Dragon is the bad kind of retro, which doesn't mean it was always bad, but it's bad in the sense that it's one of those games that was just flat out BEATEN by its predecessors. Pretty much every puzzle game is going to be stuck in the shadow of Tetris, because Tetris is perfect,  Double Dragon was never perfect. In the 80s it was the best way the developers thought of to move to the right and punch people in the face, and then in the 90s they thought of better ways, and then in the noughties (I hate that term) they thought of better ways again. We live in a post God Hand, post Castle Crashers, post Bayonetta world now, hell even by the time Double Dragon 3 came out we were in a post River City Ransom world, Double Dragon is hilariously irrelevant to current gaming.

So why is Double Dragon Neon here? Because this has been the generation of weird retro nostalgia, some of the retro revivals/reboots have been awesome, and a lot of them have been atrocious. Double Dragon Neon is the absolute worst example of the atrocious ones, it is impossible to like this game if you don't already really love Double Dragon and haven't woken up to the fact that Double Dragon really isn't that good any more. And sure, you can argue that's the point, it's a nostalgia trip for fans, but fans have the old game anyway. What's the point of making a game just for them? And besides, you can have a nostalgia trip while updating the gameplay, even Nintendo aren't this bad in preserving their own franchises. Even playing with a friend this got old in 5 minutes, the side scrolling "walk right and then punch" genre isn't some depressing lost genre, it died out because it evolved into greater things and designers realised games need to have more than that now.

Soundtrack was awesome though.

DIABOLIK: THE ORIGINAL SIN

I kind of just wanted to mention the Wii somehow, I looked over at my shelf of Wii games and this is the worst one I happen to own. So yea...this? 

EA'S ENTIRE OUTPUT

When I first started putting titles into notepad and figuring this list out was when I first put writing this feature off in the first place. Like, five of them were EA games? That's not very interesting is it? So after some soul searching I just thought screw it, Electronic Arts have NEVER been a good developer, even their Mega Drive games back in the day sucked and pretentious "exclusive" cartridges, which was the most interesting thing about them.

Dante's Inferno? More like God of ASS. Mirrors Edge? Alright they actually tried here, but first person platforming/freerunning doesn't work, I was going to give them a free pass on this one for trying but the morons are doing a sequel now for the sweet smell of money so screw it. Dead Space? NEVER PLAYED IT, therefore IT SUCKS. SimCity? More like...Sim...sit on a nail...and it'll be more fun that playing...this game?

Okay I'm not going to go through the entire library, but just everything about this company. Their committee designed games, their obsession with style over substance, their stupid Origin system, their DLC and Facebook game practices, their customer support, their grabbing over any franchise they can get their hands on and squeezing out as many games as possible. FIFA every year not enough for ya? Well don't worry, when the Euro and World cups come round there's another two meaningless titles we'll dump on the stores for that sweet dolla dolla. EVERYTHING about these people rubs me up the wrong way, and unless their overpriced Tetris PSN release counts I don't think there's a game released this generation with an EA logo on it that I really like. Especially...

MEDAL OF HONOR

I know I said none of these are in order, but this is the WORST, and yes it is also part of the above entry as well as its own. It's the only game that I consider the worst ever and also the second worst ever, it's also 3-10 on this list as well. In fact there is no list, there is only Medal of Honor, no video game released in the past seven years comes close to touching the utter worthlessness that Medal of Honor brings. There's games on this list (that doesn't exist) about child molestation, and I still can't even pretend to get as worked up about that as Medal of Honor.

One of the big things about Medal of Honors pre-release hype was the fact the developers were actually going out to talk to soldiers and they were going to be all respectful and stuff to war and conflict, yo. Basically, this games only selling point is they're claiming to be less racist and exploitative than the most racist and exploitative games on the market, nice. That didn't stop the game from dropping me into (somewhere in) the Middle East and shoot at brown people for no reason other than they were brown, I guess this is part of the visual language of video games that designer types go on about. BUT WAIT, there's a twist, some of the NPCs on my team are brown too! But they speak English though, so brown and English speaking = fine, brown and AYAYAYAYAYAYAYA or whatever = go for the head. The audiovisual language Medal of Honor brings to the table is simply stunning, I haven't played the sequel to this game but I bet there's an entire spectrum of brownness and English speakingness to indicate who I should and shouldn't be shooting. 

This is a non game, run forward and shoot, and that's it. You don't even have to do that, if you do nothing your partners will take care of things for you or a set piece will just kick in. Maybe there's a quick time event somewhere, I don't know, I gave up really early. I don't think there's another game this generation that has less right to exist (and I'm including the New Super Mario Bros games here), it's a reboot of a dull World War 2 shooter into a dull modern day shooter, and it's not even as good as the other dull modern day shooters that surround it. Even if you're the sort of cretin who likes this sort of thing, who the hell would pick this over Battlefield or Call of Duty? Why would EA want anyone to pick it over Battlefield? Isn't Battlefield their main anti-COD weapon, why would they even attempt to split their audience...and if they were going to try they could have at least...y'know try.

I'm just going to stop because talking about Medal of Honor really depresses me, mostly because there really isn't anything to talk about in the first place and I get writers block every 2 words. Just don't play it. Nothing about it is fun, special, memorable, atmospheric...anything, it doesn't even have any hilariously bad qualities, or any personality, or any weird moles that you start to think are cute the more you look at them. It's just nothing, a disc full of data but no culture, soul or artistic endeavour, and it's easier to be bored by something dull than say....child molestation...