In case that utterly coherent opening wasn't smart enough to get this across by itself, I'm talking about game journalism...more specifically game "criticism". I'm feeling bitter and petty so let's take out my aggression on an entire community on one shite review. Not just any shite review, THE shite review, the infamous IGN review of God Hand. It's not actually the worst review ever written mind, but in terms of complete incompetence being presented to a large audience and temporarily leaving a black mark on the reputation of a game that would go on to struggle commercially, it's certainly the most depressing. Especially since God Hand turned out to be Clover Studios last game (CAPCOM!!!!!!!!!)
Anyway, whatever, let's get into this. I haven't actually read the review in its entirety recently, so I'll be reading each paragraph as I go here so you get legitimate reactions IN WRITTEN FORM! Breaking new ground every day here at Lesmocon....every day I bother to actually put anything up anyway.
"Clover Studio has a knack for creating unique and off-the-wall games, many of which have ties to 2D art and gameplay. Viewtiful Joe was largely a side-scroller set in a 3D world with a cartoony art style and time-altering mechanics. The equally-excellent Okami utilized painting techniques not only for its visuals but core gameplay mechanics as well. And now we're presented with God Hand, the studios' latest release and also its oddest so far, largely mimicking the brawlers from the old days of gaming in a kooky 3D world."You know after the dribble I chose to start this article off I don't even know if I have the authority to criticise this guys opening paragraph. There's probably some IGN template that has to be filled in for bland opening paragraphs so I'll let him off the hook here, the fact its rubbish probably isn't his fault. Note the "many of which have ties to 2D art and gameplay" part, implying that there's some kind of Clover Studios formula at work here. For those that don't know, the ONLY games Clover Studio made were the Viewitiful Joe titles, Okami and God Hand. So what he means by "many of their games" he means the two he mentioned by name...and also ALL of their games...apart from God Hand obviously, so what was the point of bringing this up?
"It's somewhat apparent that God Hand was meant to be a joke on many levels, much as a film director might intentionally make a B-movie. The game practically encourages button mashing, enemies are extremely generic, the level layout is very uninspired, the dialog and jokes are poorly written and delivered, and most of all, much of the control and gameplay mechanics are so old-school it hurts. While Clover took a huge risk in hoping that this sort of off-kilter design would appeal to some gamers, and there will probably be a few folks out there who will dig this extremely niche design, by and large the joke simply falls flat. Dead flat."Christ, I don't even know where to start here. I feel like I should put a disclaimer here, if something jumps out at you as especially stupid that I don't dedicate a lot of attention to, it's only because I'm too distracted by the other stupidity in the same paragraph. First off, the game encourages button mashing? This is LIES, it's not even up for debate, if you randomly button mash in the majority of God Hand you will DIE. Enemies block you after a few attacks if you mash, and if you continue to mash they counter and stun lock you, then they wind up for an attack and you don't dash dodge immediately you're going to eat some meaty damage. So umm, wrong.
"The level layout is very uninspired" I'm afraid this is because you just don't understand the game sir. The game is extremely unapologetically and beautifully, 100% about fighting, the enemies ARE the level design. The level around them is little more than a setting, but without a story God Hand could just take place in a Echochrome level or something, and the fighting would still hold it together. And hey, the dialogue and jokes aren't great, but at least the game has a sense of humour that isn't just references or over the top "ironic" violence, God Hand actually made me laugh a couple of times which is pretty rare for video games to achieve (intentionally anyway). Also they got the boss from Team America to voice the villain, so no hatin' aight?
I'm also entirely baffled by the mechanics of God Hand being "old school" as well. Okay sure, there's some old school mentality in how the game is essentially a scrolling screen with bad guys, but that's not an inherently bad thing if the fighting is actually good. The actual fighting mechanics are entirely unique, the "build your own combos" concept is something I can't recall in any other fighting game of this type. Apparently Remember Me utilised this idea too, but that was what, seven years after God Hand? 3D orientated, almost Street Fighter style combat with user created combos and right stick dodge mechanics doesn't sound old school to me. Or is the fact you saw a pipe in the game and that set off your cynical journalism mode? OMG A PIPE? WHAT IS THIS FINAL FIGHT? THE 90S ARE OVER DON'T YA KNOW. 3 OUT OF 10.
I do love the little sentence at the end suggesting that the people who like this game are just a "niche" audience but in the great scheme of things are wrong, basically as a defence mechanism against the comments because the inevitable ruckus started to commence.
"Put it this way: Had this game not been designed by Clover Studio, released by Capcom and hyped (to some degree) because of this, it would be quickly passed over and shunned by most who play it."Put it this way: Had this review been scrawled on a bathroom stall instead of an international gaming news website the authorities would have been hunting you down to throw you in the nut house so you don't hurt anyone else with your horrible, horrible views. This point is irrelevant, personally I'm yet to play Viewitiful Joe (I own it, it's on the to do list, I'll get there) and I didn't particularly care for Okami (though I have only played the Wii version, so it might not be its fault) so when I say God Hand is awesome there's no brand loyalty here. I love how this one sentence has been separated into a paragraph like it's a really punchy non debatable point like BAM, TAKE THAT GOD HAND when it's entirely meaningless.
What's your point anyway? That people shouldn't be really interested in new releases by a developer that has a really good track record? Or are "many of Clover Studios games" also not good, like Viewitiful Joe and Okami, wait, THAT'S ALL OF THEIR GAMES. We're stuck in a logic loop here how do we get out?!
"One of the only interesting aspects of the game is its combat system, largely in part due to the fact that you're able to customize exactly which moves you want in your combo string. While you only have one main combo chain, you're able to fit in other moves that you've assigned to the face buttons and create attack chains on the fly. Some moves have special attributes, like juggling an opponent, tossing them away or breaking a block. This customizable aspect, and the fact that you'll earn and buy new moves as the game progresses, means that you'll constantly be switching up your attack style and incorporating new moves."Oh sweet! The only interesting part of the game is the mechanic the ENTIRE PROJECT IS BASED AROUND. Apparently we agree here after all, can I go now? Also great analysis there, I love how you spelled out the combat mechanic and then didn't elaborate at all about why it is/isn't good, how special attributes change up the game or....anything. Seriously, this paragraph could have been copied and pasted from the instruction manual for all I know, although if this was the instruction manual it probably would have got several QA members fired for sleeping on the job because of having to proof read it. Maybe this is why Clover had to close.
Already covered this pretty much, you're lying. Or this is a really unfortunate confusion of your own experience. Button mashing absolutely does not work in God Hand even if you have expertly crafted combos, there will be one type of enemy that will be able to stop you if you don't change up your strategy. Seriously, I don't even know how to refute this coherently, God Hand is notoriously unbelievably difficult and anyone who has played it for five minutes has felt its cruel grip personally. I am utterly baffled how anyone could think button mashing was a legitimate strategy, let alone the only one."But that's about as far as the fun of combat goes. Beyond this, it's an extremely tedious brawler where you'll generally mash a button or two until an enemy is dead. There are a few tactics of sorts mixed in, like choosing the best times to use a slower but more powerful move, but in large part you'll be mashing buttons until everyone is finished. It's kind of funny the first time you're able to stomp on someone's head with your leg moving at mach 3, but this gets old quickly."
"The God Hand aspect of the game refers to Gene's arm, which you can unleash when powered up and generally kick the hell out of everything for a short while. This really is little more than a power-up attack that you'll find in most any other combat-heavy game around and doesn't save the game in the least since all it does is strengthen your attacks for a handful of seconds. The Roulette Wheel is somewhat similar on a couple levels in that these moves allow you to perform some sort of devastating attack, but they're one-off moves that while looking cool don't really add a whole lot of fun to the combat system. All of these are simply eye candy and the game's reliance on these mechanics simply doesn't hold up."Do I even have to refute this? Just read it, the guy has no idea what to say about these aspects of the game whatsoever. He probably panicked and felt he had to dedicate a paragraph to it just because of the title of the game. The God Hand power up is something you fill up while *gasp* fighting dudes, and adds a really interesting little piece of extra depth to the game. Do you unleash the God Hand NOW to clear out a couple of relatively tough dudes now, or do you save it in case a demon or a boss fight is just around the corner and you don't have enough time to fill it up before that happens.
It's all a balancing act in your brain, revolving around how good you think you are, because it is absolutely vital to not get hit too much, but what if you're not good enough for this part and you need the God Hand? What if you need it even more after that and it's gone? The only way to help solve this issue is to just try harder and get better at the game. It's stuff like this that makes the game so wonderful, God Hand is God Hand, if you want to beat God Hand you HAVE to be better. And the game doesn't tell you that, you tell yourself that.
"One of the major problems with the combat, and God Hand on the whole in fact, is that the camera is stuck directly behind your character and you're unable to freely control it. Where you walk is exactly where it points, so enemies will often come up (or even appear) behind you, and this can be extremely annoying in a crowded room. On many occasions we finished off a handful of enemies only to have new foes appear directly behind us and take us out. The right analog stick acts as a dodge button, so since you don't have a block of any sort you'll be using this often, but because of the poor camera you'll often perform backflips into nearby walls."First off, the thing about enemies appearing behind you is also lies. They don't do that, the game is designed so they always appear in front of you, the only explanation for this is you're an idiot and ran ahead of them and lost awareness of your surrounding, which is entirely your fault. This also applies to the "crowded room" scenario which you wouldn't get yourself into if you were smarter.
And the CAMERA, this is always a sticking point with people isn't it? See above, this game is 100% unapologetically and beautifully about fighting. The camera is like that to focus on the dude you intend to fight, and the analog stick dodges because this is a fighting game, if it's camera controls or dodging you better believe these guys are going to use it for dodging, because that makes the fighting better. Also, I'm not sure if this is an intentional point about the game or just bad writing, but your implication that not having a block button is a bad thing is moronic. Stop backflipping into walls you moron, that's another thing that doesn't happen if you actually play the game.
"There's an extremely curious health system at work as well. To regain life, you need to pick up fruits from inside boxes, or more commonly, left behind by downed enemies. This part is fine, though your health doesn't refill between levels. This means that if you were near death at the end of the last stage, your only hope is to kill a few guys at the beginning of the next stage and hope they drop some grub. Generally the best course of action here is to simply let yourself be killed and choose to continue with a full life bar. It really doesn't make any sense that your health isn't refilled since you're very likely to die a minute later anyway and then restart with no penalty. And of course, you have to wait through a load screen when you continue."You know what, you can have this one. It is a bit silly that life doesn't refill between stages and it is smarter to just die, Mega Man has that problem as well. But, this qualifies as a "curious health system"? You said yourself it was fine, this one tiny quirk in its design makes it curious? Again, I think we're on the same side here, you realised yourself how banal and stupid this point was as an argument for why the game was bad so you tacked on that last sentence in a rewrite as a little cherry on top. Does God Hand even have load times? I seriously don't remember, they're certainly not long enough to be worth commenting on either way.
"Enemy design is extremely generic with demons and such that reek of early '90s arcade brawlers. While some of them have varying combat skills, like being able to quickly hop up when thrown to the ground or an affinity for dodging, you generally just run at them, punch away until they're about to attack and then flip away in cowardice. Rinse and repeat."Again, you've nailed one of the points of the game perfectly and just dismissed it for no reason. The game is a love letter to early 90s beat 'em ups, but a love letter than acknowledges that in retrospect they were a bit rubbish. So it takes all those elements, jazzes them up a bit and bases it all around an awesome fighting system. We've covered the combat thing twice before now, but seriously that's how you played it? No wonder you mentioned how long the game was your play time was probably 100 hours if that's how you were playing it. "Touch em real quick and go" is not a strategy that will get you too far very quickly in God Hand, especially not with boss battles, multiple enemies on screen or teleporting demons. But my main refute for this is, THAT'S NOT FUN, why would you play the game that way? The game itself does nothing but discourage that kind of nonsense, it gave you all these techniques and let you do whatever you wanted with combos and you just slapped dudes and ran away? Take back your review, or just do a copy and replace of "God Hand" and "the game" for your own name, give yourself a 3 out of 10 and SEE HOW IT FEELS.
"The most annoying aspect about this is that you'll often have to fight demon spirits that arise from fallen enemies. They take a while to kill and simply act as roadblocks to slow down your progression. After fighting them for the 3rd time you'll become bored, and by the 50th you'll be throwing your controller across the room."My favourite part of all this is by this point of the review you're just refuting yourself. You're pretty much admitting through comments on your amount of retries and different enemies that the whole "mash buttons/run away" thing doesn't work in this game.
......."The bottom line is that God Hand quickly becomes a boring, annoying and frustrating game. Why should you be forced to try and complete a level with no starting health when you have no hope of survival and will just need to reload a minute later? What's fun in fighting the same annoying demon creatures over and over again when the fight was old the second time you tried it? Why, oh why, did Clover Studio put so much money into such a risky joke, and why did no one see that the joke didn't have a real punch line at any point in the development?Here's a better joke for free: What's green and has wheels?Grass. I lied about the wheels."
We're done here. I REFUSE to talk about any of this in detail. Your main point in the end of review wrap up verdict paragraph was the thing about the health sys..NO, we're done.
I'll just wrap things up here with an actual screenshot of the review.
AND SOMEONE GIVE ME A GOD (HAND) DAMN JOB ALREADY. I CAN'T DO ANY WORSE THAN THAT.
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