The Day of the Doctor - Wonderful Fanservice or Massive Letdown?

Before this thing even aired I knew I had to avoid other people's reactions to it because they would almost certainly make me hate my life. If Doctor freaking Who has ever made you cry, then you're a bitch, I ran this hypothesis past a panel of experts on little bitches and it's actually like a fact now so don't even bother trying to refute it. 

Now that the endearing opening paragraph is out of the way let's get into The Day of the Doctor, the 50th Anniversary special starring two legitimate Doctors, one they made up and a couple of MILFs. Any work of fiction that gets into "crossover" territory is going to be a bit messy, even if it is crossing over with itself; it's also particularly guaranteed to be dripping in fan service so we have to give it a bit of leeway. Really, the question here is was the special strong enough to stand up on its own merits, and whether it actually benefited the future of the show or just wallowed in its own glory days.

Having said that, let's break the special down into its good and its bad points, and then see if we can get a nice wrapped up analysis of it by the end of this thing. So let's take a good hard look at The Day of my Doctors Wedding.

THE GOOD

The Timelords are Back! (maybe)

It's debatable how good a job he's been doing, but Steven Moffat has slowly but surely been retconning all the dumb changes that were made to the franchise during the T. Davies return era. Now he's finally got to the big one, and we can finally move on from the freaking Time War...

Don't get me wrong, I totally understand why they added this to the show during the reboot. New audiences may have been put off with having to accept there being a whole planet of time travelling weirdos as opposed to one cool guy, it also gave the show a little more edge as the Doctor was now a much angrier character who didn't have anyone's rules but his own to follow and it also made him a bit more special. The third part is the one that got out of hand...and now the Doctor has become the centre of the entire universe and it seems nothing can happen anymore without him or one of his companions being central to its event somehow. The Doctor is a great character okay, but he's not more interesting than the entirety of space and time and the majority of New Who issues can be linked to this nonsensical fanfictionesque writing. 

The point is; bringing the Timelords back and perhaps retconning some of the other consequences of the Time War might actually give the show some context again. The Doctor was interesting when there were Timelords because he didn't care about THEIR RULES MAN, in the new series he's basically just God and can do whatever he wants...I mean the universe can apparently just get rebooted whenever he screws things up too much so whatever. The future of Doctor Who now has the opportunity to have some direction and not get constantly lost in self-fulfilling prophecies. 

Some will (and have) complain about how it was done or how it's a cop out, and my response is basically that it wasn't as stupid as the story T. Davies came up with in the first place. The Time War was wrecking all of creation...and the Doctor blew up Gallifrey...somehow...which also somehow killed all the Daleks...everywhere...although not really because they totally survived so it was pointless...but the Doctor seems pretty capable of handling millions of Daleks in other stories...by myself...and by my count there's been three Dalek genocides since the show came back so...yea it's a dumb story okay. And Doctor Who lore is better off without it frankly.

Regarding the Timelords themselves, Doctor Who seems to have the same problem with them that Superman has with Kryptonians, in that we're constantly told about how sophisticated and cool they were and how sad it is that they're all dead, but whenever they actually show up they're a bunch of stupid assholes. If you are planning to bring the Timelords back properly Moffat...get to work on that...

Zygons were Surprisingly Hype

I'll be honest; I rolled my eyes when I heard the Zygons were the choice of enemy for the 50th anniversary. I suspected it was another case of a monster being brought back for no other reason than Moffat and Gatiss had a little squirt over them when they were 10 years old (or 40). But they were genuinely a good villain in this, their design gets that nice blend of kind of creepy but mostly silly that Doctor Who goes for, the alien jizz that they trap their subjects in was creepy, and shape shifters that the Doctor can't immediately recognise could make for some interesting stories...mostly because they're not really the type of enemy (unlike Cybermen or Daleks) where "blow them all up" is a reasonable story conclusion. Also their voices are awesome, enough to make otherwise okay lines like the following really memorable:

"We are not armed, you may relax."

"Weeeee areee armeed, youuu mayy nottt."

John Hurt was cool

Well obviously, this was the big selling point for a lot of people. I was concerning he would just a miserable old guy and basically an entirely different character, but he was given just enough personality to be the Doctor...yet a more jaded and tired Doctor. Moffat did a good job overall of writing the three Doctors with their distinct personalities and all three actors gave good performances, and I say that being in the minority of people who don't really care for the tenth Doctor.

Actually INTERESTING Ideas...

Following on from the "not blowing everything up" thing, this episode has some actual nice concepts at work. I liked the solution to the Zygon invasion the most, "the key to a perfect negotiation is not remembering what side you're on" that's actually INTERESTING, one of the handful times New Who has actually casually dabbled in a bit of basic philosophy. I wish they explored that more than they did, but it was interesting, there was actually a storyline reason for why it was possible and it was actually clever on both the Doctors and the writer’s part. Although it does lose some marks for the slow mo as they came out the painting, THAT was ridiculous. 

I also liked the idea of "Timelord Art", not only is it a clever little tool for the story (although, was it ever explained how the Zygons got a hold of it? I watched it twice and I don't recall there being an all-round convincing explanation) it was also a clever way to get the 3D shots in. I didn't actually watch it in 3D I'm not mad but when Moffat was saying in interviews that he had worked 3D into it I was expecting Matt Smith to be throwing Fez's directly into the camera or David Tennant just getting his dick out...although on reflection these thoughts may have actually been unrelated. 

Billie Piper wasn't Rose

I was terrified when Billie Piper was announced for this, her pseudo-boning thing with David Tennant is basically what attracted all the weirdos and annoying girls to become a more vocal part of the fanbase and made Tumblr unviewable to rational human beings. Fortunately, they kept all that out of it and decided to go for "Bad Wolf Rose", I'm not sure if that was actually a part of the plot though. Like, could "the device" open holes in time anyway or was it channelling Bad Wolf Rose to do that...both are stupid but the second one feels less pulled out of your arse Moffat so you should have made that a bit clearer.

Also, unlike Journey's End Billie Piper actually seemed to be trying this time. Thanks Billie! 

Fanservice!

Let's get this out of the way, I detest pointless fan service, and I hate how it's basically infected all of pop culture now. Video game designers intentionally put archaic garbage mechanics in their titles for the sake of "nostalgia", writers take over the scripts of their own favourite franchises and rewrite the entire universe around their favourite characters (*heugh* Moffat) and everyone wants to reboot everything. I went into The Day the Doctor Ate Everyone expecting it to have unbearable amounts of fan wank in it, but it was actually fairly restrained...and funny controversially. 

Don't get me wrong, in-jokes and call-backs and "big ups" to past Doctors were all over the place but not in a way that got in a way of the plot. Personal favourites go to "Confusing the polarity" "the round things" and Peter Capaldis cameo, which I think was probably the best one second tease for anything ever. Of course, not all the fanservice was great...more on that later...

It had to follow Series 7...

...so in that context Moffat could have got away with showing Manos: The Hands of Fate with a few Doctors faces edited into it and it probably would have been cool by comparison. In all seriousness, even with its flaws, it was actually nice to be enjoying Doctor Who in some capacity again...

THE BAD

Christopher Eccleston is a big dumb jerk and I hate him

See above.

It didn't really feel -that- special

Under past circumstances it certainly would have been, but this goes back to the Doctor seeing the centre of his own universe. If the Doctor was still a mysterious character who we rarely learned anything about having a big anniversary special focused entirely on him would be a huge deal. But New Who can't stop obsessing over him anyway so in many ways this entire episode was business as usual. Also, it really hasn't been that long since David Tennant left the show, maybe I just don't care because I'm not a huge fan, but it really hasn't been long enough for me to miss him. Also see above.

Queen Elizabeth I Fanfiction

Okay, so we did get some weird and terrible fanservice in this episode...for Elizabeth I fanboys. Seems a weird demographic to go for, it hasn't been the 16th century for at least 100 years and the last remaining survivor Jimmy Savile died two years ago. Literally everything Queen Liz does and says in this episode is ridiculous, just ludicrous. Every line, action or reaction to something has its own little plot hole attached to it. I know its Doctor Who and everything, but were we seriously supposed to believe that QUEEN ELIZABETH stabbed up a Zygon, snuck into their ranks, found out their plans, deceived them all into believing she was the commander, had no questions and didn't freak out, saved the Doctors, and figured out all the stuff with the paintings and ugh...it's all a mess. Watch it again and remember that the Queen Liz you see after one has been "disposed of" is always the real one and see how little sense it makes.

Clara Oswald is Low Tier Garbage...but the show won't admit it...

GOD DAMN IT MOFFAT, will you please just admit you failed here and stop shoving this character down our throats. There's nothing awful about Clara...but that's the point, she's bland and utterly uninteresting. She's just a generic "nice and smart gal", but every story seems to desperately force how smart/capable she is by putting her in extreme situations that only further reveal how dull she is. The fact that Clara was basically responsible for changing the Doctors mind and fixed everything is nuts, I liked my idea of leaving her floating around on a trash heap in space way more. 

The Final Shot

Just...fire everyone who was responsible for that. It looked awful on my laptop, it looked awful on my plasma TV and I can only tremble in fear at how awful it must have looked on a 3D cinema screen. 

The thing that confused me the most was all the Doctors were in a line but William Hartnell was in the middle behind everyone else for some reason. Was that supposed to make him stand out because he was like the first one or something? It just made him look left out to me like the fat kid at school, like Matt Smith was refereeing a 5-a-side football match between the other 10 doctors and no-one picked Hartnell for their team cos he's old and stuff. Don't worry, I'm sure Christopher Eccleston will storm off the pitch before half time and not come back so he'll get subbed in. 

Also, on the BBC broadcast they let the announcers jabber all over the credits, THAT, WAS UNACCEPTABLE.

How do the Daleks get wiped out again?

Umm...yea, this was one of the more glossed over plot points, but let's go over it again. So, the Doctors, all of them (somehow, even William Hartnell knew to work on the calculations too, I guess he had plenty of time to work on the substitution bench) freeze Gallifrey in a pocket of time in another universe or whatever it was. The Daleks meanwhile, are stuck in the SKY TRENCHES, what's a sky trench? No, that's not rhetorical I'm actually asking you because I don't know either, is there such thing as "Sky trench foot?" Are sky trenches actually in the sky or is "space trench" more accurate? If they are sky trenches then wouldn't they be part of the planet’s atmosphere and the Daleks get frozen in time along with everyone else? What about the Daleks already on the ground, seen utterly failing to murder civilians like good Daleks should? Do these Daleks just factor into the "calculations" or what? WAIT, in that preview thing you released on the BBC website that looked like the tutorial to a Sega CD game you said the Daleks got through the sky trenches! WHAT'S A SKY TRENCH, THIS DESERVED EXPLANATION.

Anyway, while they're all in the SKY TRENCHES the planet disappears, and the Daleks all blow each other up in their own crossfire. This plan kind of relies on a lot of luck and stupidity on the most genius evil creatures in the universe doesn't it? But let's say it DOES work, how does that wipe out ALL the Daleks again? There's a line slightly before this that the Daleks would send "reinforcements" if they knew there was three Doctors, so there ARE more Daleks not attacking Gallifrey, so by the episodes own confession this plan can't possibly work. But in fairness, this is a far more reasonable explanation for how Daleks survived the Time War than the shite T Davies came up with. Zombie human Daleks, do not blaspheme yadaydaydaydayda...

But yea, this is a pretty huge oversight in the script and it is hard to ignore, I guess the shows attitude is it doesn't really matter since we all know the Daleks weren't ever actually wiped out and the important part is that people think they were wiped out. 

Why can't the Doctor recognise himself?

This is a minor nitpick, but why is this always an issue in these multiple Doctor things? It's long established that Timelords still recognise each other regardless of regenerations, but they can't tell when they've ran into themselves? It's not really important, but it's just silly...especially when it comes to...

Tom Bakers cameo was too much

Who was this guy? It's heavily implied that it's the Doctor from the distant future, but it's nicer to think that it isn't because then we're trapped in another self-fulfilling prophecy...

It was awesome that Tom Baker had a cameo, but this was a bit overbearing, but I will give it a pass as this is more for a veteran Who fan than me. You're still a bitch if you cried though.

The Doctors get along too well

Another minor point but the episode was far too chummy, especially when it was supposed to be the "Doctor darkest day". They had a bit of bickering about plot stuff but there wasn't really a clash of personalities here, it was just Tennant and Smith bantering with each other and exchanging one liners. It's fine if they come together by the end of the episode, but the Doctors shouldn't really be friends during these things, maybe the fangirls drench their seats seeing them buddy up but I think the episode would have been more entertaining if they were at their throats. 

THE CONCLUSION

All things considered, this episode was dealt a bad hand from the start. The Time War is an inherently stupid plot point that's been cemented in New Who lore from the outset, and it was always going to be a near impossible corner to write out of. Considering that T. Davies basically made it impossible...this was probably as cool and as logical a way to do it that wouldn't also destroy the canon. You do have to suspend your disbelief on a lot of things, the existence of the weapon and its ability to open time windows even through a "time lock" is pulled out of the story's arse, as is the Doctors meeting up in the first place, and the whole stupidity with the Daleks etc. Maybe these things are breaking points for some people, but as someone who believes the things this episode pulled were for the good of the franchise, I'm willing to let a lot of it go.

Overall, the episode has some great lines, good performances, a cool villain, genuinely interesting ideas and even though its logic is nonsense is it quite skillful in how it wraps itself together...and it was actually funny in a way that didn't seem inappropriate or stupid (The Crimson Horror). I'd say the special had more good than bad, and most of the bad things were done with good intentions even if they fell a little short. 

The main praise I can give The Day of the Doctors Budget Cuts is that even if this feeling is short lived...I actually kind of care about Doctor Who again. Now I have hope, which is exactly what I didn't have.

Dual Destinies DLC - Turnabout Reclaimed Review (Spoiler Free)

Let's start this off with an announcement of how rubbish the Nintendo eShop is. It sucked on the Wii, I can only assume it sucked on the original DS, and it still sucks today on the 3DS. There was no announcement of any kind on the shop that the Ace Attorney downloadable content was out, it was only through scrolling through official Capcom games I realised it was out but you had to start up the actual game to download it. Also, when downloading the relatively big file for Dual Destinies that takes about 20 minutes, you get nothing but an animation of balls being dropped over and over again, when downloading DLC for the game that takes about 20 seconds the 3DS is kind enough to give you an actual progress bar. Someone explain that one to me. 

Anyway, the first and presumably only DLC case for Dual Destinies is here, if you didn't read the review of the main game here's a brief summary: Great animation, great music, ingenious scenarios marred by rushed localisation, relatively weak character drama and a lack of identity. This "special case" titled Turnabout Reclaimed follows Phoenix Wright in his first case after regaining his attorney's badge bridging the gap between the events of Dual Destinies and Apollo Justice. That's what Capcom claimed anyway, bizarrely you can't actually play the case unless you've beaten at least the first case in the main game so there's no option to play this prequel case first if that's how you roll. I assumed this was so the DLC didn't require any tutorials to be included...but it does have tutorials for the Mood Matrix and investigation segments anyway so who knows.

The story revolves around a murder that's taken place in an aquarium, with Wright tasked to defend an orca whale in the courtroom. I don't think it's too much of a spoiler to say that there is a bit where you have to cross examine the whale for comedic effect, and veteran Ace Attorney fans will no doubt recognise that this is very similar to something that happened in the first entry in the series and Dual Destinies is only happy to remind you of this....four times by my count. Four times for a callback, a fan is going to get it immediately anyway and someone who doesn't get it is going to be clueless no matter how many times you reference it you silly game. 

On that note, recurring character Pearl Fey appears in this case too, her appearance in the main game was pretty pointless fan service in itself but I gave it the benefit of the doubt with the understanding that her role was going to be more vital in the DLC case...but nah, it's still pointless fan service. I don't even get it, it's not even good fan service, did anyone who likes this character really want to be shown the story of "she grew up and is basically a normal (boring) person now". Fanboys of any franchise will never concede this, but some tales are better left to your imagination. The point is Dual Destinies' rather icky trend of fan service and lacking it's own identity, for better or for worse, is still present in the DLC case.

Still, it has to be said that Turnabout Reclaimed is actually a strong entry to the Ace Attorney universe. A lot of the personality is back here, all of the characters involved in this case are likeable with the arguable exception of the punk rock pirate girl who constantly speaks in fish puns, but she wears the shortest shorts that anime will allow so she'll get her fanbase either way. The story and relationship between all the characters, once it's all revealed is genuinely charming in Ace Attorney's unique portrayals of tragedy. 

Uniquely, this is one of the handful of Ace Attorney cases where I've guessed the culprit wrong before the reveal, it didn't feel cheap either the script was genuinely clever about misleading me. There's also nice touches in the courtroom where Phoenix Wright flat out just gets stuff wrong as a sign of his rustiness on the job, causing himself to question his theories and his convictions, and it also helps the story develop nicely. I wouldn't go so far to say it recaptures the spirit from the original Shu Takumi trilogy, but this is definitely the closest any non-Takumi entry has come.

There's also the "song", one of the character themes in this case is one of those "accidentally start humming it on public transport to weird looks" sort of pieces. It's obnoxiously catchy and I'll hate this game forever for putting it in my head, it's been on loop about 20 times as these very words get added to this very paragraph. 

So that's Turnabout Reclaimed, it's got fanservice, it's got whale examining, it's got raps and fat chicks, but more importantly it's got a bit of heart. If you liked Dual Destinies definitely pick this case up, the fact it's essentially a mostly self contained story benefits it greatly and probably makes it stronger than a lot of the content in the main game. Heartedly recommended.

Also you get an extra costume for Phoenix when you beat it...nice touch Capcom. That's the kind of fanservice I can get on board with, when I give Dual Destinies a second playthrough some day I'll definitely be using it.

Next Gen Games I Actually Want to Play

I've been awfully cynical about next gen, at least when as it relates to consoles. Long story short, all next gen consoles are promising us so far is the exasperation of the current gen issues with development by bumping up the technology and focusing EVEN MORE on graphics. In addition to being more aggressive with exclusives and further splitting the pool the actually good games across different platforms and focusing on features that have nothing to do with actually playing video games (the reason people buy consoles...don't ya know).

I'm not entirely alone on this (for once), many people seem to be commenting on the fact that next gen just doesn't feel that exciting this time round. Remember when everyone went nuts for that Killzone 2 trailer all those years ago? "Wow, no way games can do that!" we said....and we were right, that trailer was a load of lies, but the EXCITEMENT was real enough. Nothing has had that effect on the general populous this time round because there really isn't that much of a step up, all the games being shown are essentially shinier versions of games we already have with slightly nicer framerates. Which is cool and all, good framerates are nice (they're certainly way more important than resolutions *cough*) but your average person isn't going to get massively pumped over this.

The people who are excited, or have deluded themselves into thinking they're excited, baffle me though. I genuinely worry for the future of the media when I skim over some form of "720p Vs 1080p" article or debate somewhere, it's certainly harder to talk about games as an artform when you've got this kind of nonsense going on in your community. Consoles used to be a place to hide from this sort of stuff if you didn't care about it, let the PC Master Race worry about their graphics cards and so on, but it's finally infected all of us now and console fanboys (who have chosen their favourite based on the zero seconds of play time they've had with either of them) will happily troll up the comments section of any vaguely relevant article or video spouting technical specs at each other. The worst part is PC gamers are still laughing at all of us, anyone with a good gaming PC today views even 1080p as some sort of caveman relic resolution of the past. We've all been infected now, and if you're on team console still then you've still got nothing going for you in the long run. Just talk about the games, at the end of the day that's all that matters.

And talking about the games is just what I'm going to do! Very vaguely and briefly though, because honestly particularly every piece of news I've heard about next gen consoles and the reaction to it has made me sad so I haven't been paying that much attention to a lot of it. Even if I was gushing with excitement from every single sphincter for a ton of years it's going to be a good few years before I'm actually able to play any of them. So whatever, here's a look at a handful of games that actually caught my eye.

D4 (Xbone)

I don't really know what it says about the industry as a whole that a game that's has a significant chance of being awful and is filled with Kinect controlled Quick Time Events is probably the game I'm currently the most excited about. Mostly because it comes to us from SWERY, the possibly mentally unbalanced quirky designer behind Deadly Premonition. A few brief thoughts on Deadly Premonition, it was a hideously poorly made game, had a nutball story and the gameplay was objectively broken in just about every way imaginable. Having said all that, it was really cool.

There's only really one way to explain why Deadly Premonition holds such a strong place in a lot of people's hearts. In a world of painfully average, uninspired, designed by committee shlock (or "EA games") a game coming out that is mostly one guys vision is wonderfully refreshing. A weird Japanese guy spent a week watching a box set of Twin Peaks over and over again, and thought it would be really cool to make a game out of that, so he did, and people liked it (well, some of the people liked it).

Having said that, D4 could just be awful, Deadly Premontion was charming but it hardly cements SWERYs reputation. Still, I won't say another word about it and let you watch the gameplay for yourself, you can probably tell from this scene alone whether this is going to be your type of thing or not.

Important note to add, you don't have to play the game with Kinect controls. Although SWERY insists it, you're not part of his VISION if you don't!

DEAD RISING 3 (Xbone)

*sigh* I like Dead Rising 2 far too much to not give this some sort of mention, y'know, it could turn it around. Yes I saw the E3 trailer, yes it did look like they sucked all the trademark Capcom silliness (whatever that means) out of it and made it all brown and dull (in short, PERFECT for the Xbox One AMIRITE?! Ahem...)

It'll still probably be pretty good if it focuses on exploration and experiments more with Dead Risings' unique time based sandbox scenarios. But if there isn't a single Servbot somewhere in this game, we might all be screwed...

SUPER SMASH BROS 4 (Wii U)

Hey, if the Wii counts as part of the current gen then the Wii U counts as part of the next gen, shut up, besides I don't have one yet so it's still new to me damnit! Having said that, I've played a Wii U about half a dozen times now and I still don't get what the hell it is. It has games on it, which is nice, it seems to actually WANT to be a games console, which is nicer, it lets me play Mario in HD on it, which passes the time. What's the deal with this tablet thing though? Three hours battery life? Putting a secondary screen in the controller to distract the player from looking at their nice big HD TV, that they possibly bought for the sole intention of playing games on it? People still seem to defend this, it doesn't make the Wii U bad but I don't think Nintendo had any real plans for this, I guess they just thought the gimmick of a tablet controller would win over people. Whether the people like it or not will be decided by history, I'll tell you something for free though, developers certainly don't like it. Having to make a game to somehow incorporate this stupid thing to sell a product to the minority of people who actually did buy a Wii U probably isn't very attractive right now.

Oh yea Smash Bros, yea I'll play it, it's got Mega Man in it, it'll probably be pretty fun. Note that I said I'll play it, not play for hours, days, weeks, months, enter tournaments, and convince myself that it's totally a legit fighting game and I'm super grown up for playing Nintendo's gooey fan service day in and day out. I say this as deliberate flamebait, what's the deal with people wanting Smash to be taken so seriously? The more competitively you play it and the more seriously you take it the more its flaws shine out, for example you basically have to ignore 90% of the content entirely to play it "pr0". What's the point? It's not what the developers intended, and there's games that actually do care about this sort of thing and are actually deliberately balanced for it.

QUANTUM BREAK (Xbone)

YO MAN I LOVED THE SEGA CD! It's all bout dat nostalgia, WE IN THERE.

In all seriousness, no-one seems to really know what this is, and what little we know about it makes me not care. Live action scenes? Plans to also turn it into a TV show? This is video game town bro, we're not here to suck on the teat of non-interactive mediums sunshine. This is clearly some insincere attempt to try and reel in some non-gamer types, or show off the Xbones graphical settings or something, and it can piss off.

WATCH DOGS (Lots of stuff)

This recently got delayed for reasons, there's two ways of interpreting that story. Either Ubisoft really care about how this game turns out and want to hold off to tweak it, like they really should have done with the first Assassin's Creed, or something really ballsed up here and they were forced to delay it to fix stuff. Either way, I fear this game may succumb to the same gripes that grab most Ubisoft games, where they establish a good setting with decent writing, introduce some fun gameplay mechanics, and then squander it by making you do the same three missions over and over again and turn the entire thing into a grind. 

Either way, even if Watch Dogs does suck or is forgettable, it'll probably sell tons and then by the time they get to Watch Dogs 3 it'll be AMAZING. 

BAYONETTA 2 (Wii U)

I played it in London and it was really nice, it certainly runs way better than the PS3 version of the first game (but then most games probably do). But the real question is, will this be the first game where Platinum get something other than combat and graphics right for a change? Probably not!

In all seriousness (again) it should be pretty good.

ODDWORLD: ABE'S ODDYSEE NEW 'N' TASTY (PS4, Wii U)

I really like the game this is a remake of.

...

...

Moving on.

THE EVIL WITHIN (PS4, XBONE)

Hey this one is coming out on a console I own as well! I can get properly excited for this one!

Hey it's a survival horror game in an industry where survival horror has basically died! And it's directed by Shinji Mikami who made Resident Evil! I hate Resident Evil! But this is nearly 20 years later and a post-God Hand post-Resident Evil 4 Mikami, and is an infinitely cooler guy for it. Details are few and far between on this so far, but Mikami has become one of those names that I'd follow into a burning building by this point so I look forward to it. (Although unfortunately, I do consider the early Resident Evils to be worse than a burning building)

KILLZONE SHADOWFALL (PS4)

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, alright I am just joking with this one. If I'm going to drop off topic to bash an Xbone exclusive it's only fair to snipe down one of the PS4 games as well.

How is Killzone still a thing? Killzone 1, although impressive for the PS2 and all...was rubbish. Killzone 2, although impressive for the PS3 and all...was also rubbish. I didn't play 3 but other than incorporating gimmicks with 3D and Move and the like it sounds even rubbisher. There was also that PSP game that had a Killzone logo stuck to it but was nothing like Killzone...I don't know if that one was rubbish or not (probably was). Based on the series track record of just being a not particularly fun extremely dark tech demo for Sony hardware....this will probably be that. 

Yea I'm being unfair BUT I DON'T CARE, even by the increasingly low standards of first-person shooters these games have nothing going for them other than graphics, and I don't even think they look that good, it's all really gritty and unappealing. Please...no-one buy it so I don't have to hear about Killzone again.

----------------------------------------------------------------

So that is pretty much all I care about when it comes to next gen so far!

I'm sure there's some amazing looking game that's not getting a fair amount of coverage and I just haven't noticed, but I have to say the launch line up isn't that amazing. Which isn't a bad thing necessarily, blowing your load at launch and then having nothing to follow it up with is a pretty terrible business strategy. I just don't understand what drives people to rush out and have the console on Day 1, when historically the first models are prone to be buggy and vastly inferior to whatever they release in a couple of years. People just like new things I guess.

But the people who REALLY baffle me are those who are trading in their current console(s) to make the jump to these bad boys at launch. The lack of backwards compatibility has been a big deal in the discussion of both consoles, and it does suck, but it just makes behaviour like this more inane. Let's recap here, you're getting rid of your console that has hundreds, if not thousands of games available for it, to pay the maximum amount of money, for the worst version of a console that has barely anything on it?!

THAT.

IS.

CRAY CRAY.

Top Ten WORST Games of this Generation

Well, I uncharacteristically decided to dwell on the positives first and cover my top ten favourite games of the current generation. A list that I'm already somewhat regretting, I could have done WAY better than that. 

Seems kind of silly to not even mention the other side of the coin when it's the more fun side of the coin, so due to the peer pressure inside my own brain here's my top ten WORST games of this generation. Although I should probably get a few disclaimers out of the way first: 

• I haven't played every video game in the world, as much as I'd like to...
• There's been significantly more bad games than good this generation (and I guess any generation really) so I find myself utterly indifferent to the majority of the ones they just suck. These picks have a special place in my heart/anus.
• Aside from maybe one or two I didn't really beat any of these games, which makes sense due to my intense hatred for them. This may mean I have even less to say about them than the games I liked, really my gut instinct for most of this list is just to write EUHRGHAHGH and call it a day.
• There's going to be so much cheating it won't even be funny, seriously, brace yourself for non-laughter. This list definitely won't contain 10 games, some of them won't be games at all, and some of them might not even actually be that bad. If this insult to top ten lists offends you then turn back now.
• Speaking of which, these are in no particular order other than the order I feel like writing about them in.
• I definitely forgot something because I'm an idiot.

Well, if you're still with me after that, let's get started!

CRACKDOWN 2

Look! A sequel to a game that was on the last list! Now they're like in canon with one another, so I'll start off with this game, I'm literally like the best writer ever. 

Crackdown 2 isn't the worst game ever made by any means, but I think it takes the prize of the worst sequel I've ever played. Pretty much one of the running themes of this generations, Arkham City and Uncharted 3 could have been here instead if I was feeling especially grouchy, but at least those games were actually sequels if not especially great ones. I adored the first Crackdown, the fact it took them three years to make a sequel, and they reused the same city before and basically removed every element of the original I really liked which made me ridiculously depressed when I actually got around to playing it (for about 15 minutes). 

This could have been THE franchise of the generation, Crackdown certainly should have been bigger than Assassin's Creed and Gears of War (btw, the only reason AC1 isn't on this list is because it had a good atmosphere, and the only reason Gears of War isn't on this list is because its design is borderline perfect...a fact that really upsets me), and it might have been able to derail Halo as Microsoft's main killer app. Considering I don't particularly care about any of the other games I mentioned, this too is depressing. 

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG 2006

This game would be the funniest game ever made if not slightly ruined by two things, first off there are seriously people out there who think this game was good, if there's ever been a game that's -objectively- terrible you'd think this would be it. These people are generally the sort to have Charmy the Bee as their Facebook profile picture and are easily avoided, do NOT make friends with them. They might seem normal at first but one day you'll be meeting up with them in town and they'll be dressed as a dog, and then get really passive-aggressive if you dare to bring it up. 

Oh, the other thing they slightly ruins it? This isn't even the worse SONIC game that came out in 2006. I'll let you Google that one yourselves. 

SILENT HILL HOMECOMING

Survival horror pretty much died this generation, it's up to the indie scene and Shinji Mikami to bring it back over the next five years. The worst game in this category was probably Amy (which I haven't played) or Alone in the Dark (which is way too funny to put on this list, seriously go play it if you haven't) but the most offensive release was undoubtedly Homecoming.

As much as Crackdown 2 upset me and as technically...well...unfinished Sonic 2006 was, I still think this game is a bigger failure on every single conceivable level. It's not scary, the story is full of holes, the dialogue feels like the words were chosen at random, and the combat engine is hilariously broken and probably takes the prize for the worst design decision of the generation. The most eerie part of the whole game is the fact you don't ever seem to be doing anything, at least half the game is just running from room to room "progressing" in dull grey environments, and then if you're good the game will let you backtrack through the level you just did (sometimes twice!)

It terrifies me that the team responsible for this are doing Strider...oh god...please be gentle to it.

WWE

None of the games in particular (and definitely not All Stars) but christ, I seriously can't think of a franchise that devolved more than this one. They barely register to me as video games any more, they're certainly not fighting games any more. And if they're not fighting games what are they? Simulation games? What are they simulating!? Because I've never seen a wrestling match on TV where one guy does a move, goes to pick up the other guy, gets low blowed, the other guy does a move, picks the guy up, gets low blowed, and they repeat until someone hits a finisher and wins. 

I cannot think of another game this generation that is so utterly devoid of game feel, moves have no punch, everything feels like a preset animation that you have no control or feel for (because it is), everything is limp, it's just nothing. At least when a kid grabs two wrestling action figures and smashes them together they get a bit of physical feedback, this is the gaming equivalent of pushing a shopping trolley around an empty car park. 

DAVID CAGE

I wanted to rag on Heavy Rain for a bit, but then I realised I've already deliberately left Alone in the Dark off the list for being too funny, and Heavy Rain was even funnier so that's out. Then I remembered I played the Beyond demo and almost threw my console out the window, you know David Cage the issue with your games was the story more than anything else, it wasn't the fact your games had -some- gameplay in them and removing it entirely won't help you. 

I also remembered that I played Fahrenheit (Indigo Prophecy) for the first time this generation and that was hilarious/awful too, and then there was that presentation at the PS4 announcement with the creepy 3D Jimmy Savile face model. So rather than pick on any of these games individually, the prize of number whatever on this list goes to the man himself. Shine on you crazy French diamond, unless shining on involves continuing to make games, in which case stop. 

DOKI DOKI MAJO SHINPAN!

Oh, you don't  know what this is? Good, because I barely do either, and it has nothing to do with the excellent Doki Doki Panic either. I've never played it (and refuse to converse with anyone who has) but I caught wind of it when it was mentioned in a Zero Punctuation video as a "game about child molestation", which I assumed was (mostly) a joke. I looked up the game on Wikipedia and...nope, it's basically that. It's something to do with feeling up schoolgirls to find a witch, there's some mark you have to find or something...and you need to use the Nintendo DS touch screen to tap panties until you find it. Also according to Wikipedia, the majority of the cast is under 16, and one of them is 12. ENTERTAINMENT.

It's not so much that this stuff offends me as creeps me out. Here's some factoids for ya, this game was released the same year as Legend of Zelda: The Phantom Hourglass and beat it in pre-order sales for that year in Japan, it spawned two sequels and there are seriously people complaining that it was never localised and released in the West. What you do in your free time is your business Japan, but keep it to yourself. 

DOUBLE DRAGON NEON

Wayforward really bug me, they're a wonderful clearly talented developer but they hold back basically all of their games by tying them down with some stupid feature from the NES games to make their titles feel as archaic as possible. Nostalgia blindness is irritating and out of control enough as it is, but when that idiotic mentality starts breaking into game developers we're all screwed. And no, I have nothing against old games, if anything it's the opposite, but some games and gameplay mechanics don't age well and frankly...were never good ideas and bringing them back for the sake of "nostalgia" or "tradition" is moronic.

Double Dragon is the bad kind of retro, which doesn't mean it was always bad, but it's bad in the sense that it's one of those games that was just flat out BEATEN by its predecessors. Pretty much every puzzle game is going to be stuck in the shadow of Tetris, because Tetris is perfect,  Double Dragon was never perfect. In the 80s it was the best way the developers thought of to move to the right and punch people in the face, and then in the 90s they thought of better ways, and then in the noughties (I hate that term) they thought of better ways again. We live in a post God Hand, post Castle Crashers, post Bayonetta world now, hell even by the time Double Dragon 3 came out we were in a post River City Ransom world, Double Dragon is hilariously irrelevant to current gaming.

So why is Double Dragon Neon here? Because this has been the generation of weird retro nostalgia, some of the retro revivals/reboots have been awesome, and a lot of them have been atrocious. Double Dragon Neon is the absolute worst example of the atrocious ones, it is impossible to like this game if you don't already really love Double Dragon and haven't woken up to the fact that Double Dragon really isn't that good any more. And sure, you can argue that's the point, it's a nostalgia trip for fans, but fans have the old game anyway. What's the point of making a game just for them? And besides, you can have a nostalgia trip while updating the gameplay, even Nintendo aren't this bad in preserving their own franchises. Even playing with a friend this got old in 5 minutes, the side scrolling "walk right and then punch" genre isn't some depressing lost genre, it died out because it evolved into greater things and designers realised games need to have more than that now.

Soundtrack was awesome though.

DIABOLIK: THE ORIGINAL SIN

I kind of just wanted to mention the Wii somehow, I looked over at my shelf of Wii games and this is the worst one I happen to own. So yea...this? 

EA'S ENTIRE OUTPUT

When I first started putting titles into notepad and figuring this list out was when I first put writing this feature off in the first place. Like, five of them were EA games? That's not very interesting is it? So after some soul searching I just thought screw it, Electronic Arts have NEVER been a good developer, even their Mega Drive games back in the day sucked and pretentious "exclusive" cartridges, which was the most interesting thing about them.

Dante's Inferno? More like God of ASS. Mirrors Edge? Alright they actually tried here, but first person platforming/freerunning doesn't work, I was going to give them a free pass on this one for trying but the morons are doing a sequel now for the sweet smell of money so screw it. Dead Space? NEVER PLAYED IT, therefore IT SUCKS. SimCity? More like...Sim...sit on a nail...and it'll be more fun that playing...this game?

Okay I'm not going to go through the entire library, but just everything about this company. Their committee designed games, their obsession with style over substance, their stupid Origin system, their DLC and Facebook game practices, their customer support, their grabbing over any franchise they can get their hands on and squeezing out as many games as possible. FIFA every year not enough for ya? Well don't worry, when the Euro and World cups come round there's another two meaningless titles we'll dump on the stores for that sweet dolla dolla. EVERYTHING about these people rubs me up the wrong way, and unless their overpriced Tetris PSN release counts I don't think there's a game released this generation with an EA logo on it that I really like. Especially...

MEDAL OF HONOR

I know I said none of these are in order, but this is the WORST, and yes it is also part of the above entry as well as its own. It's the only game that I consider the worst ever and also the second worst ever, it's also 3-10 on this list as well. In fact there is no list, there is only Medal of Honor, no video game released in the past seven years comes close to touching the utter worthlessness that Medal of Honor brings. There's games on this list (that doesn't exist) about child molestation, and I still can't even pretend to get as worked up about that as Medal of Honor.

One of the big things about Medal of Honors pre-release hype was the fact the developers were actually going out to talk to soldiers and they were going to be all respectful and stuff to war and conflict, yo. Basically, this games only selling point is they're claiming to be less racist and exploitative than the most racist and exploitative games on the market, nice. That didn't stop the game from dropping me into (somewhere in) the Middle East and shoot at brown people for no reason other than they were brown, I guess this is part of the visual language of video games that designer types go on about. BUT WAIT, there's a twist, some of the NPCs on my team are brown too! But they speak English though, so brown and English speaking = fine, brown and AYAYAYAYAYAYAYA or whatever = go for the head. The audiovisual language Medal of Honor brings to the table is simply stunning, I haven't played the sequel to this game but I bet there's an entire spectrum of brownness and English speakingness to indicate who I should and shouldn't be shooting. 

This is a non game, run forward and shoot, and that's it. You don't even have to do that, if you do nothing your partners will take care of things for you or a set piece will just kick in. Maybe there's a quick time event somewhere, I don't know, I gave up really early. I don't think there's another game this generation that has less right to exist (and I'm including the New Super Mario Bros games here), it's a reboot of a dull World War 2 shooter into a dull modern day shooter, and it's not even as good as the other dull modern day shooters that surround it. Even if you're the sort of cretin who likes this sort of thing, who the hell would pick this over Battlefield or Call of Duty? Why would EA want anyone to pick it over Battlefield? Isn't Battlefield their main anti-COD weapon, why would they even attempt to split their audience...and if they were going to try they could have at least...y'know try.

I'm just going to stop because talking about Medal of Honor really depresses me, mostly because there really isn't anything to talk about in the first place and I get writers block every 2 words. Just don't play it. Nothing about it is fun, special, memorable, atmospheric...anything, it doesn't even have any hilariously bad qualities, or any personality, or any weird moles that you start to think are cute the more you look at them. It's just nothing, a disc full of data but no culture, soul or artistic endeavour, and it's easier to be bored by something dull than say....child molestation...

The Worst Review Ever Written - God Hand by IGN

I'm at a frustrating time in my life, I'm sure most graduates have experienced it in some capacity. It's just not the fact I can't find a job anywhere, it's the fact that 95% of the people who have jobs I would like are AWFUL at it. I don't know if these people have qualifications, but even if they do surely common sense has to take over at some point and make them think "You know what? I have no business doing this in any capacity, and it's borderline criminal that I actually get paid for it! I'm going to quit my job first thing in the morning and hurl myself into the sea!" Unfortunately my imagination extends further than that, and the state feels that their crimes against culture itself are too great to be self imposed. By the time the individual makes it into the sea there's an entire firing squads worth of police officers at the scene armed with tasers (possibly tasers from some kind of Call of Duty pre-order bonus) to send 15 million volts through them before the sea can have its natural affect on a human being. Yea, this has a side effect of killing all the ocean life within a 20 mile radius but whatever it's JUSTICE.

In case that utterly coherent opening wasn't smart enough to get this across by itself, I'm talking about game journalism...more specifically game "criticism". I'm feeling bitter and petty so let's take out my aggression on an entire community on one shite review. Not just any shite review, THE shite review, the infamous IGN review of God Hand. It's not actually the worst review ever written mind, but in terms of complete incompetence being presented to a large audience and temporarily leaving a black mark on the reputation of a game that would go on to struggle commercially, it's certainly the most depressing. Especially since God Hand turned out to be Clover Studios last game (CAPCOM!!!!!!!!!)

Anyway, whatever, let's get into this. I haven't actually read the review in its entirety recently, so I'll be reading each paragraph as I go here so you get legitimate reactions IN WRITTEN FORM! Breaking new ground every day here at Lesmocon....every day I bother to actually put anything up anyway. 

"Clover Studio has a knack for creating unique and off-the-wall games, many of which have ties to 2D art and gameplay. Viewtiful Joe was largely a side-scroller set in a 3D world with a cartoony art style and time-altering mechanics. The equally-excellent Okami utilized painting techniques not only for its visuals but core gameplay mechanics as well. And now we're presented with God Hand, the studios' latest release and also its oddest so far, largely mimicking the brawlers from the old days of gaming in a kooky 3D world."

 You know after the dribble I chose to start this article off I don't even know if I have the authority to criticise this guys opening paragraph. There's probably some IGN template that has to be filled in for bland opening paragraphs so I'll let him off the hook here, the fact its rubbish probably isn't his fault. Note the "many of which have ties to 2D art and gameplay" part, implying that there's some kind of Clover Studios formula at work here. For those that don't know, the ONLY games Clover Studio made were the Viewitiful Joe titles, Okami and God Hand. So what he means by "many of their games" he means the two he mentioned by name...and also ALL of their games...apart from God Hand obviously, so what was the point of bringing this up? 

"It's somewhat apparent that God Hand was meant to be a joke on many levels, much as a film director might intentionally make a B-movie. The game practically encourages button mashing, enemies are extremely generic, the level layout is very uninspired, the dialog and jokes are poorly written and delivered, and most of all, much of the control and gameplay mechanics are so old-school it hurts. While Clover took a huge risk in hoping that this sort of off-kilter design would appeal to some gamers, and there will probably be a few folks out there who will dig this extremely niche design, by and large the joke simply falls flat. Dead flat."

Christ, I don't even know where to start here. I feel like I should put a disclaimer here, if something jumps out at you as especially stupid that I don't dedicate a lot of attention to, it's only because I'm too distracted by the other stupidity in the same paragraph. First off, the game encourages button mashing? This is LIES, it's not even up for debate, if you randomly button mash in the majority of God Hand you will DIE. Enemies block you after a few attacks if you mash, and if you continue to mash they counter and stun lock you, then they wind up for an attack and you don't dash dodge immediately you're going to eat some meaty damage. So umm, wrong. 

"The level layout is very uninspired" I'm afraid this is because you just don't understand the game sir. The game is extremely unapologetically and beautifully, 100% about fighting, the enemies ARE the level design. The level around them is little more than a setting, but without a story God Hand could just take place in a Echochrome level or something, and the fighting would still hold it together. And hey, the dialogue and jokes aren't great, but at least the game has a sense of humour that isn't just references or over the top "ironic" violence, God Hand actually made me laugh a couple of times which is pretty rare for video games to achieve (intentionally anyway). Also they got the boss from Team America to voice the villain, so no hatin' aight?

I'm also entirely baffled by the mechanics of God Hand being "old school" as well. Okay sure, there's some old school mentality in how the game is essentially a scrolling screen with bad guys, but that's not an inherently bad thing if the fighting is actually good. The actual fighting mechanics are entirely unique, the "build your own combos" concept is something I can't recall in any other fighting game of this type. Apparently Remember Me utilised this idea too, but that was what, seven years after God Hand? 3D orientated, almost Street Fighter style combat with user created combos and right stick dodge mechanics doesn't sound old school to me. Or is the fact you saw a pipe in the game and that set off your cynical journalism mode? OMG A PIPE? WHAT IS THIS FINAL FIGHT? THE 90S ARE OVER DON'T YA KNOW. 3 OUT OF 10.

I do love the little sentence at the end suggesting that the people who like this game are just a "niche" audience but in the great scheme of things are wrong, basically as a defence mechanism against the comments because the inevitable ruckus started to commence.

"Put it this way: Had this game not been designed by Clover Studio, released by Capcom and hyped (to some degree) because of this, it would be quickly passed over and shunned by most who play it."

Put it this way: Had this review been scrawled on a bathroom stall instead of an international gaming news website the authorities would have been hunting you down to throw you in the nut house so you don't hurt anyone else with your horrible, horrible views. This point is irrelevant, personally I'm yet to play Viewitiful Joe (I own it, it's on the to do list, I'll get there) and I didn't particularly care for Okami (though I have only played the Wii version, so it might not be its fault) so when I say God Hand is awesome there's no brand loyalty here. I love how this one sentence has been separated into a paragraph like it's a really punchy non debatable point like BAM, TAKE THAT GOD HAND when it's entirely meaningless.

What's your point anyway? That people shouldn't be really interested in new releases by a developer that has a really good track record? Or are "many of Clover Studios games" also not good, like Viewitiful Joe and Okami, wait, THAT'S ALL OF THEIR GAMES. We're stuck in a logic loop here how do we get out?!

"One of the only interesting aspects of the game is its combat system, largely in part due to the fact that you're able to customize exactly which moves you want in your combo string. While you only have one main combo chain, you're able to fit in other moves that you've assigned to the face buttons and create attack chains on the fly. Some moves have special attributes, like juggling an opponent, tossing them away or breaking a block. This customizable aspect, and the fact that you'll earn and buy new moves as the game progresses, means that you'll constantly be switching up your attack style and incorporating new moves."

Oh sweet! The only interesting part of the game is the mechanic the ENTIRE PROJECT IS BASED AROUND. Apparently we agree here after all, can I go now? Also great analysis there, I love how you spelled out the combat mechanic and then didn't elaborate at all about why it is/isn't good, how special attributes change up the game or....anything. Seriously, this paragraph could have been copied and pasted from the instruction manual for all I know, although if this was the instruction manual it probably would have got several QA members fired for sleeping on the job because of having to proof read it. Maybe this is why Clover had to close.

"But that's about as far as the fun of combat goes. Beyond this, it's an extremely tedious brawler where you'll generally mash a button or two until an enemy is dead. There are a few tactics of sorts mixed in, like choosing the best times to use a slower but more powerful move, but in large part you'll be mashing buttons until everyone is finished. It's kind of funny the first time you're able to stomp on someone's head with your leg moving at mach 3, but this gets old quickly."

Already covered this pretty much, you're lying. Or this is a really unfortunate confusion of your own experience. Button mashing absolutely does not work in God Hand even if you have expertly crafted combos, there will be one type of enemy that will be able to stop you if you don't change up your strategy. Seriously, I don't even know how to refute this coherently, God Hand is notoriously unbelievably difficult and anyone who has played it for five minutes has felt its cruel grip personally. I am utterly baffled how anyone could think button mashing was a legitimate strategy, let alone the only one.

"The God Hand aspect of the game refers to Gene's arm, which you can unleash when powered up and generally kick the hell out of everything for a short while. This really is little more than a power-up attack that you'll find in most any other combat-heavy game around and doesn't save the game in the least since all it does is strengthen your attacks for a handful of seconds. The Roulette Wheel is somewhat similar on a couple levels in that these moves allow you to perform some sort of devastating attack, but they're one-off moves that while looking cool don't really add a whole lot of fun to the combat system. All of these are simply eye candy and the game's reliance on these mechanics simply doesn't hold up."

Do I even have to refute this? Just read it, the guy has no idea what to say about these aspects of the game whatsoever. He probably panicked and felt he had to dedicate a paragraph to it just because of the title of the game. The God Hand power up is something you fill up while *gasp* fighting dudes, and adds a really interesting little piece of extra depth to the game. Do you unleash the God Hand NOW to clear out a couple of relatively tough dudes now, or do you save it in case a demon or a boss fight is just around the corner and you don't have enough time to fill it up before that happens. 

It's all a balancing act in your brain, revolving around how good you think you are, because it is absolutely vital to not get hit too much, but what if you're not good enough for this part and you need the God Hand? What if you need it even more after that and it's gone? The only way to help solve this issue is to just try harder and get better at the game. It's stuff like this that makes the game so wonderful, God Hand is God Hand, if you want to beat God Hand you HAVE to be better. And the game doesn't tell you that, you tell yourself that. 

"One of the major problems with the combat, and God Hand on the whole in fact, is that the camera is stuck directly behind your character and you're unable to freely control it. Where you walk is exactly where it points, so enemies will often come up (or even appear) behind you, and this can be extremely annoying in a crowded room. On many occasions we finished off a handful of enemies only to have new foes appear directly behind us and take us out. The right analog stick acts as a dodge button, so since you don't have a block of any sort you'll be using this often, but because of the poor camera you'll often perform backflips into nearby walls."

First off, the thing about enemies appearing behind you is also lies. They don't do that, the game is designed so they always appear in front of you, the only explanation for this is you're an idiot and ran ahead of them and lost awareness of your surrounding, which is entirely your fault. This also applies to the "crowded room" scenario which you wouldn't get yourself into if you were smarter.

And the CAMERA, this is always a sticking point with people isn't it? See above, this game is 100% unapologetically and beautifully about fighting. The camera is like that to focus on the dude you intend to fight, and the analog stick dodges because this is a fighting game, if it's camera controls or dodging you better believe these guys are going to use it for dodging, because that makes the fighting better. Also, I'm not sure if this is an intentional point about the game or just bad writing, but your implication that not having a block button is a bad thing is moronic. Stop backflipping into walls you moron, that's another thing that doesn't happen if you actually play the game.

"There's an extremely curious health system at work as well. To regain life, you need to pick up fruits from inside boxes, or more commonly, left behind by downed enemies. This part is fine, though your health doesn't refill between levels. This means that if you were near death at the end of the last stage, your only hope is to kill a few guys at the beginning of the next stage and hope they drop some grub. Generally the best course of action here is to simply let yourself be killed and choose to continue with a full life bar. It really doesn't make any sense that your health isn't refilled since you're very likely to die a minute later anyway and then restart with no penalty. And of course, you have to wait through a load screen when you continue."

You know what, you can have this one. It is a bit silly that life doesn't refill between stages and it is smarter to just die, Mega Man has that problem as well. But, this qualifies as a "curious health system"? You said yourself it was fine, this one tiny quirk in its design makes it curious? Again, I think we're on the same side here, you realised yourself how banal and stupid this point was as an argument for why the game was bad so you tacked on that last sentence in a rewrite as a little cherry on top. Does God Hand even have load times? I seriously don't remember, they're certainly not long enough to be worth commenting on either way.

"Enemy design is extremely generic with demons and such that reek of early '90s arcade brawlers. While some of them have varying combat skills, like being able to quickly hop up when thrown to the ground or an affinity for dodging, you generally just run at them, punch away until they're about to attack and then flip away in cowardice. Rinse and repeat."

Again, you've nailed one of the points of the game perfectly and just dismissed it for no reason. The game is a love letter to early 90s beat 'em ups, but a love letter than acknowledges that in retrospect they were a bit rubbish. So it takes all those elements, jazzes them up a bit and bases it all around an awesome fighting system. We've covered the combat thing twice before now, but seriously that's how you played it? No wonder you mentioned how long the game was your play time was probably 100 hours if that's how you were playing it. "Touch em real quick and go" is not a strategy that will get you too far very quickly in God Hand, especially not with boss battles, multiple enemies on screen or teleporting demons. But my main refute for this is, THAT'S NOT FUN, why would you play the game that way? The game itself does nothing but discourage that kind of nonsense, it gave you all these techniques and let you do whatever you wanted with combos and you just slapped dudes and ran away? Take back your review, or just do a copy and replace of "God Hand" and "the game" for your own name, give yourself a 3 out of 10 and SEE HOW IT FEELS.

"The most annoying aspect about this is that you'll often have to fight demon spirits that arise from fallen enemies. They take a while to kill and simply act as roadblocks to slow down your progression. After fighting them for the 3rd time you'll become bored, and by the 50th you'll be throwing your controller across the room."

My favourite part of all this is by this point of the review you're just refuting yourself. You're pretty much admitting through comments on your amount of retries and different enemies that the whole "mash buttons/run away" thing doesn't work in this game. 

"The bottom line is that God Hand quickly becomes a boring, annoying and frustrating game. Why should you be forced to try and complete a level with no starting health when you have no hope of survival and will just need to reload a minute later? What's fun in fighting the same annoying demon creatures over and over again when the fight was old the second time you tried it? Why, oh why, did Clover Studio put so much money into such a risky joke, and why did no one see that the joke didn't have a real punch line at any point in the development?

Here's a better joke for free: What's green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels."

.......

 We're done here. I REFUSE to talk about any of this in detail. Your main point in the end of review wrap up verdict paragraph was the thing about the health sys..NO, we're done.

I'll just wrap things up here with an actual screenshot of the review.

AND SOMEONE GIVE ME A GOD (HAND) DAMN JOB ALREADY. I CAN'T DO ANY WORSE THAN THAT.