Raw Recap 11th April, 2016 - The Second W

Welcome to the probably more delirious than usual Raw recap for the week because I've been awake all night editing Uncharted footage.

LET'S GO!

Segment #1 - Shane McMahon promo

Oh my god, Shane McMahon is in charge again this week because of "overwhelming social media support." 

Can you believe Wrestlemania 32 was only a week ago? It may as well have been a decade ago for all the difference it made. The three big feuds from the show have all stopped with no rematches planned for the next Pay-Per-View, which I think is a first since 2003 where Kurt Angle was ruined and Steve Austin retired. Let's recap this shall we:

- Zack Ryder gets a surprise win in the Intercontinental title ladder match, loses it the next night
- Jericho gets a win over AJ Styles, AJ becomes the No 1 Contender the next night anyway
- Charlotte beats Becky Lynch in a triple threat match while Ric Flair holds Sasha back...for some reason Charlotte's next challenger is Natalya.
- Dean Ambrose loses to Brock Lesnar and looks like a complete chump, we probably won't see Brock again until the Summer.
- Shane McMahon loses to the Undertaker, gets control of Raw the next night anyway.
- Roman Reigns beats Triple H, Triple H disappears and Roman seems to be playing a completely different role the next night.

I hated Wrestlemania 32 but it's nice to see the company actually agrees with me, you get the feeling if they had the capacity to be more honest they'd release a press release saying "look we're sorry, we wrote ourselves into a corner with the Reigns thing and all our other plans got screwed up by injuries, we couldn't just NOT do Wrestlemania y'know?"

Anyway charisma vacuum comes down to the ring and announces a tag team tournament starting tonight, Charlotte Vs Natalya for the Women's Championship and Sami Zayn Vs AJ styles where Zayn gets added to the WWE Championship match at Payback if he wins.

Kevin Owens comes out and complains about the opportunities Zayn is getting, then suddenly decides he cares about the Intercontinental Championship again and demands Shane for his rematch. Shane says Owens needs to earn it (???) and he'll get a title shot if he can beat Cesaro. 

Segment #2 - Kevin Owens Vs Cesaro

The apparently "lacking in charisma" Cesaro gets a standing ovation for showing off during a standing headlock. Kevin Owens is in top form tonight, throwing temper tantrums at referee, the commentators and the crowd, all while concentrating on Cesaro's recently repaired shoulder. After a great match Cesaro counters a Pop Up Powerbomb attempt into a Neutralizer for the win, Cesaro looks as confused and surprised as anyone else that he had a great match on Raw and actually won it. 

Miz and Maryse are watching on backstage, Cesaro is now the No 1 Contender, not sure when that match is actually happening but it looks like Zack Ryder is completely out of the picture.

Charlotte is complaining backstage to her dad that she has to defend her Women's title tonight. Tonight's guest Dr. Phil comes over (I barely know who that is) and tells Charlotte to stop cheating in all her matches. Well done for not doing an unbearable comedy segment with the celebrity guest for once I guess, this guy didn't come off as natural or understanding what he was talking about at all.

Kevin Owens is seen ranting at Shane McMahon, he says whatever happens to Sami Zayn tonight is on him. Shane says he's not going to be threatened and tells Kevin Owens to get dressed and be escorted from the building.

Segment #3 - Lucha Dragons Vs The Dudley Boyz

New Day come out and introduce the tag team tournament (sponsored by Booty O cereal, even the tournament bracket graphics).

The show goes to commercial during the entrances and comes back in with the doctors looking over Kalisto on the outside of the ring who took a nasty bump over the top rope and appears to have hurt his collar bone or something. Bubba does what Bubba does best and tries to keep people invested in the match by shouting a lot.

There's an awkward finish where the Dudleys seem to briefly forget their own finisher, set it up again to hit it and then forget which one of them is legal. Kalisto never got back into the match, I'm sure the Dudleys were booked to win anyway but that's still unfortunate. 

After the match Enzo and Cass hit the ramp and cut another promo on the Dudleys. If Enzo and Cass win their tournament match they face the Dudleys in the next round.

Segment #4 - Roman Reigns promo

Actual Michael Cole Dialogue - "Roman Reigns defeated Triple H in a match at Wrestlemania that was...all over the place."

Look dubyadubs I understand you're not happy with the crowd reactions this guy gets, but if he's getting booed just let him getting booed. It's better to have your champion go out and be passionately booed than muting the audio so it looks like noone cares. Reigns hits the ring and does that "I'm a good guy, I'm not a bad guy I'M THE GUY" line again for the third show in a row THAT'S NOT A CATCHPHRASE that's a line that's okay to say once. It's the kind of dribble wrestlers say in real interviews when they're trying to dodge questions about unusual crowd reactions.  

Mercifully Roman gets his promo cut short again...to be interrupted by the League of Nations...christ. Please get rid of this group so Rusev can be set free. At least they keep it short too, Roman calls them all down to the ring for a fight, as soon as they get in the Wyatts show up and fight off the League. 

Actual Michael Cole Dialogue - "THE WYATTS HAVE HAD THEIR ISSUES WITH THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS" Issues? They attacked them last week for apparently no reason.

Roman and the Wyatts stand in the ring together, Shane McMahon comes out and announces two League members Vs Roman and Bray in the main event. So, now that Dean Ambrose's stock has dropped they're going to try and make the Wyatts popularity rub off on Reigns instead? WE'LL SEE.

Segment #5 - WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP - Charlotte Vs Natalya 

Dr Phil is at ringside for this, still barely know who he is. 

Everyone knows Natalya is great but she gets to wrestle on television so infrequently it's still weirdly surprising whenever you see her, Charlotte is still getting better, she's looked infinitely better the past couple of months than she did during the Bella matches. There's not a lot to this story but these gals managed to get this otherwise not particularly loud crowd into the match at the end.

Natalya has Charlotte beat in the sharpshooter, Naitch pulls the referee out of the ring who calls for the bell as Charlotte is tapping...to call for the disqualification. Look, I get why they do these finishes, it gets a rise out of the live crowd every time, but it looks so silly on television, you'd think the referees would be smart enough not to fall this obvious cheat...especially when someone is tapping out within his eyeline.

Michael Cole confirms Kevin Owens is out of the building as they recap him powerbombing Zayn through a table last week.

Sami Zayn is interviewed about his match with AJ Styles tonight, he says he didn't come this far to lose. AJ Styles says he's the only No 1 Contender and he plans on keeping it that way.

Segment #6 - The Usos Vs Curtis Axel and Heath Slater

This is a first round match in the Booty-O tournament, Social Outcasts get a little bit of offence in but the Usos get a quick win off a roll up.

Then Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson come out of nowhere looking like two bald guys in plain t-shirt, and leave looking like total badasses. They beat up the Usos with "Bullet Club" chants popping off in the Staples Center.

"Nice place you got here" - Karl Anderson.

Michael Cole actually mentions New Japan by name and brings up their three IWGP tag team championship wins.

Miz and Maryse are interviewed in their private lounge about the upcoming title match with Cesaro,. Miz is so so good in this role. Cesaro comes in and spouts some cheesy puns about acting that some chump wrote for him. Their match is at Payback.

Segment #7 - NO 1 CONTENDERSHIP - AJ Styles Vs Sami Zayn

It should be illegal for any of Sami Zayn's entrance to be cut from television. Michael Cole mentions that Payback is in Chicago OH GOD I'm so sorry Roman Reigns, have fun wrestling AJ Styles there. 

This is the first match these two have had, normally I don't like them giving away these matches on Raw with no build but this is a great matchup between two guys who are highly unlikely to have a feud any time soon so fair enough. Shame it's not the main event though. 

These guys are so smooth, even when it looks like things go wrong they make it look like they meant to do it. There's one awkward spot near the finish when Sami was supposed to land on his feet getting thrown off the top rope but it looked like he landed on his head, but the crowd was into it enough where they got away with it. AJ Styles gets a win off his flying forearm which they seem to be selling as a finisher since there's no way he's hitting the Clash on Reigns.

The match was a bit on the "exchange of big moves" side of things but it was a great match for television.

Sami and AJ are talking about their match after the commercial, Shane McMahon comes over and thanks them for their performance. 

Segment #8 - Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel

Jericho  says this Highlight Reel will have his biggest guest ever...himself. He goes on about how great he is until he hits his line about no one in the WWE being able to touch him which is Ambrose's cue to hit the ring. I feel like I should clarify my stance on Ambrose since I realise I'm starting to sound like one of those insufferable twats on the internet who complain about someone being "buried" because they didn't win every match.

Dean Ambrose is pushed as a "lunatic" who is unpredictable and indestructible. In his last two main event matches Triple H beat him clean by predicting him and Brock Lesnar beat him clean by destroying him with one F-5...where Ambrose didn't even use the two weapons they advertised for the match. Nothing establishes you harder as "midcard slub" harder than failing to live up to your own moniker, I learned that from Professor Dolph Ziggler.

Ambrose says the Highlight Reel is now the Ambrose Asylum and jokes around with cardboard signs, speeding tickets and ties and so on. Jericho tries to bully him out of the ring and eats some Dirty Deeds for his efforts. 

There was a backstage segment with Dr Phil with Truth and Goldust but I skipped ahead as soon as they came on screen.

Segment #9 - Apollo Crews Vs Adam Rose

Well on a night of strong competitive matches we've got to get in a few squashes, Social Outcasts are actually doing a good job in their role of the roster's punching bag. Adam Rose controls a lot of the match, then Apollo hits all his fancy moves for the win.

The announce team put over Apollo Crews, then they show a video package for Baron Corbin. Nice!

Bray Wyatt cuts one of his typical cryptic promos before the main event...adding "don't wory Roman, you can trust me!" Hey! A Bray promo that had a comprehensible point!

Segment #10 - Alberto Del Rio and Sheamus Vs Bray Wyatt and Roman Reigns

Really? You put the League in another Raw main event and Rusev isn't even one of the guys in the ring?

Bray tags in Roman early in the match, there's a visible small portion of the audience cheering for Roman which causes the rest of the arena to erupt into boos. The match is as basic as Raw tags get, Roman gets beaten down and Bray gets the hot tag and it all turns into chaos at the end. It is interesting to see Bray work as a face, although WWE already have a major problem with a lack of heels, but then again it's not like the Wyatts have ever really been heels. 

Rusev almost causes Bray to lose the match, Bray survive the interference and the remaining Wyatt members hit the ring to take out Rusev. Bray hits Sister Abigail on Del Rio as Roman spears Sheamus for the win. They stare at each other after the match as the show goes off the air.

The crowd was into Bray, but even when both guys were fighting together they would jeer at anything Roman did so he came out of this looking bad anyway. 

Closing Thoughts

Not the best main event for this show, WWE were banking on the fact Bray and Roman teaming up would make an otherwise run of the mill tag match interesting and...it really didn't.

The rest of the show was good though, not only were there 3 strong matches but they all had points to them in terms of championships. Normally when you get a good match on Raw it's something like Cesaro having a 20 minute match with Cena for no reason that never gets brought up again. 

Frankly, looking back over the show the only stuff that wasn't good all involved Reigns! Moving forward WWE seem to have Wrestlemania firmly in the rear view mirror and are moving ahead which is definitely for the best. You get the feeling WWE right now are moving around their pieces for something bigger later, but as long as the shows are still decent now then more power to them.

RATING: THUMBS UP 

Raw Recap April 4th - PLEASE Ignore the Crowd

The Raw Recap returns! After wallowing in their past during one of the strangest Wrestlemanias ever, can the WWE make a positive statement about their future in front of a surely excitable post-Mania crowd? WE'LL SEE.

"A Wrestlemania hangover? NO WAY! It's party time!" - Actual Michael Cole dialogue. 

The bizarre decisions from Wrestlemania continue as the show begins with a disclaimer about the crowd, basically telling people "don't worry about the crowd they're a bunch of weirdos please ignore the boos Reigns will get".

Segment #1  - Vince McMahon promo

"How about that Wrestlemania huh?" - A mixed reaction.

"We have a new WWE Champion..." - UNCONTROLLABLE BOOS

"Shane jumped off that Cell..." - HUGE cheers, okay not entirely on board with this crowd yet. They did chant "No Chance in Hell" along with Vince's music so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. 

Shane limps out to the stage and thanks the crowd for the reaction he got for nearly killing himself in front of his children. The crowd chants "You Still Got It!" and again I agree! Just like the old days he had a really bad match punctuated with a ridiculous bump that hurt the actual wrestlers on the roster who can't follow it! To get a fresh shitpost in on top of that old one, the reason Shane left the company in the first place because he fell out of line to run the business because he was bad at creative.

But never mind that, for basically no reason Vince decides to let Shane run Raw for the night. So maybe actual good stuff with happen, but don't worry it's all wrong because it's Shane doing it and the crowd are only enjoying it because they're weirdos. Your regularly scheduled programming will return next week.

Segment #2 - TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP - New Day Vs Sheamus and Wade Barrett 

New Day cut their promo while Xavier wears a piece of Booty O cereal over his unicorn horn with is phallic even for them, I suspect the only reason they keep getting away with this is because it all goes over Vince's head.

League of Nations comes out and gets massive boos. Hey WWE, are you going to explain why the international crowd of weirdos still hate the boring foreign heel group?

The crowd doesn't mess around and immediately gets into waves and "We Are Awesome" chants, an actually awesome crowd would come up with their own stuff. The match itself was about as standard as these things get, New Day gets a quick comeback at the end and retains the titles.

New Day leaves and Sheamus starts cutting a promo about how dominant the League of Nations should be, there's something wrong and you're only as strong as your weakest link. Rusev and Del Rio grab Wade and Sheamus brogue kicks him. Then for some reason the Wyatts show up and beat up the rest of the League. JBL says the Wyatt Family are making a statement, not much of a statement after Sheamus just talked about how the League wasn't as strong as it should be and kicked out a member.

I hope this is only a squash as they move on to something else, as bad as the Rock/Cena stuff was at Wrestlemania I don't think that buried them as hard as an extended feud with the League of Nations would.

Vince is interviewed as he gets into his limo to leave the arena, he says he doesn't want to be here when the ship goes down because of Shane. Why did you put him in charge then? To make a point? At the expense of your own show? Christ, maybe the Roman "political hit" theory is true.

Segment #3 - Summer Rae Vs Sasha Banks

Summer Rae talks smack about Sasha, Sasha's music hits and she stands on the ramp with a "Really???" look on her face, swaggers down to the ring, grabs the mic and says "You seem to have forgotten Summer, I'm Sasha Banks, and I'm STILL THE BOSS" complete with a slap to the face. 100% perfect, more of this please.

It's a competitive match but Sasha makes quick work of Summer. 

Segment #4 - Apollo Crews Vs Tyler Breeze

Poor Tyler, he escaped to the main roster and he's still having to make all the NXT stars look good. Tyler gets a few licks in but it's basically Apollo showing off all his cool moves and flips with a quick pin off the spinout powerbomb.

Segment #5 - Roman Reigns promo

Oh god, when they announced this segment was next I had the same feeling in my stomach as when Shane was standing on top of that Cell. The announcers remind us to ignore the crowd they're just booing the good guys because they're hipster jerks, I wonder if they're going to start giving that disclaimer on every Raw Reigns gets booed on...y'know...most of them.

Reigns mercifully keeps it short and calls out anyone who wants the championship. Jericho tries to get control of the crowd but they're not having it and simply chant "We are Idiots!" 

Jericho says he buried AJ Styles and he wants a title shot, AJ Styles comes down to the ring and points at the title to a good reaction, Kevin Owens' music hits and gets a ROAR from the crowd, followed by Zayn, the crowd sings along with his music which is becoming one of the most infectious things in wrestling. Reigns stands in the middle of all four guys and laughs them off, Owens and Zayn immediately go into that punching spot they like as they can't help themselves, Jericho drops Styles over the top rope and Jericho gets speared to astounding boos. 

Decent segment to establish challengers for Reigns, presenting him as a fighting champion but also a dismissive jerk to the indie favourites was probably the best they could do on this show.

Backstage Shane McMahon tells Reigns there's going to be a fatal four way no 1 contender's match between those four guys in the main event.

Segment #6 - Baron Corbin Vs Dolph Ziggler

"For those of you who don't know who I am...I don't care" Brilliant first line for Corbin on Raw.

Crowd's not sure how to react to Corbin, I mean he is from NXT which makes him objectively great, but he's also a big football guy which means he's objectively bad, WHAT'S A SMARK TO DO? They're also being distracted by something but I can't tell from the TV broadcast what it is.

The match ends with Corbin booting Ziggler over the barrier and both guys getting counted out, Corbin gets mad and hits the End of Days out on the floor. 

Segment #7 - INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP - Zack Ryder Vs The Miz

Ryder gets a pretty tepid reaction considering it's this crowd, but they chant "You Deserve It!" at him anyway. Ryder talks about how Wrestlemania was the greatest night of his life, he shows a picture of Scott Hall letting him hold his Intercontinental Championship, then as he swaps it for a modern picture of Scott Halls holding HIS Intercontinental Championship the camera cuts to a cardboard cut out of Colt Cabana for some reason. He also thanks his dad who's still more jacked than he is.

The criminally underrated Miz comes out and so far has been the only heel to gain control of this crowd. He challenges Ryder to a supposedly spontaneous Intercontinental title match which explains why they muted Lillian's mic when she accidentally announces this as one as Ryder came down to the ring. 

These guys have what is easily the best match of the night so far, I know both these guys are good but Miz jobs so much and Ryder performs so infrequently that there's still part of my brain that's surprised. Miz punks out Ryder's dad and gets pushed down, then his real life wife Maryse comes out of the crowd and slaps Ryder's dad, Zack is distracted and eats a Skull Crushing Finale to lose the title.

I suspected Ryder would lose the title tonight but I didn't think it'd be to the Miz, who's won so many midcard title belts now he's probably takes swims in his vault of them. 

Kevin Owens is interviewed, it's looking like he's just going to forget about the Intercontinental title.

A promo for the Vaudevillains is aired, who are debuting!!!!!!!

On Smackdown......

Segment #8 - Women's Championship Presentation

Lita is in the ring with the entire women's division to present the new belt to Charlotte, Becky looks really beat up and has a nasty gash on her face. Charlotte comes down to the ring and the crowd immediately starts chanting for Bayley, Michael Cole quickly interjects that "Bayley is not here". Charlotte seems genuinely tickled by the support for Bayley and almost fell apart in her promo because of the crowd.

Charlotte manages to get it together and starts talking about how much more she's accomplished than all the other women. Everyone sulks off apart from Natalya who challenges her to another match, Charlotte refuses so Natalya puts her in the sharpshooter, Ric Flair puts her out of the ring. Crowd expected a debut and didn't get one, then I think they expected Bret when Natalya's own siren went off, they got neither and they weren't happy about it.

AJ Styles is interviewed about the fatal four way. 

A promo airs for the Colons who are debuting a new gimmick.

Segment #9 - TABLES MATCH - The Usos Vs The Dudley Boyz

Something goes wrong with the Usos mic during their entrance, WWE must be anxious right now and ready to mute the audio whenever Samoans are involved. Shane McMahon supposedly put this match together which seems like a waste of this angle, the whole point was the Dudleys' wanted nothing to do with tables, throwing them straight into the tables match the night after their first match with no build is bad storytelling.

The crowd certainly lost interest in the match early and they go firmly into random chants mode. They chant for "Jordan Jordan Gable Gable" so Michael Cole claims "they're chanting get the tables!" Seriously?

The Usos both splash themselves through two tables and the bell is rung for some reason even though that doesn't count. D-Von throws Uso 2 through another table and then they actually win, with Bubba screaming "NOW YOU RING THE BELL! NOW WE WON!"

Sami Zayn is interviewed about the fatal four way, you can still hear Bubba screaming at the ringside area on the arena audio. Amazing. Kevin Owens attacks Sami from behind and powerbombs him through a table which I imagine will take him out of the match. Um, if you're going to do an angle with tables...maybe don't do it directly after the TABLES MATCH?????

Segment #10 - SAWFT and Dudleys promo

The Dudleys are still out at ringside raving and ranting at people, the crowd were expecting SAWFT to show up at some point all night so distracting them with the backstage promo was a good call. Enzo goes on a long rant on the Dudleys and they get all their lines in with the crowd chanting along on every syllable. Great debut for them and the Dudleys are perfect first opponents.

It's confirmed Sami Zayn is out of the fatal four way and will be replaced by someone else.

Segment #11 - NO 1 CONTENDERS MATCH - Kevin Owens Vs AJ Styles Vs Chris Jericho Vs Cesaro

Lillian announces Zayn will be replaced by Cesaro, Cesaro shows up on the ramp in a suit and breaks out that Rock tech by tearing it off to reveal his ring gear. 

As Raw main events go this is pretty much perfect. Everyone got their stuff in, everyone looked great, it didn't throw main event angles away on television for no reason, and it advanced storylines. Owens took Zayn out of the match for their feud with opened the door for Cesaro who looked like superman throughout and Jericho failed to beat AJ at a crucial point. Styles wins which was a surprising choice considering Cesaro's return and him still being 2-2 with Jericho, but Styles/Reigns is an interesting match for the first title defence.

And who would have guessed it, this "weird" crowd stayed invested in the entire thing throughout because it was actually good, funny how that works.

Closing Thoughts

Considering the trainwreck of baffling decisions that was Wrestlemania this was enjoyably simple, good debuts, a good Intercontinental title match and a strong main event. The crowd this year was kind of tiresome, half the time they were chanting stuff just for the sake of being the "post-Mania crowd" and there wasn't a lot of funny chants or genuinely great reactions. But again, it did at least add to the main event.

Then again I feel any praise for the show has to come with the asterisk of all those "ignore the crowd" disclaimers because that was truly bizarre. It's hard to use this show as any indicator of things to come, they kept Reigns off it for the most part on purpose and uncharacteristically piled all the internet favourites into the main event. 

God, who starts their wrestling show with the announcers saying directly into the camera IGNORE THE CROWD THEY WILL CHANT STUFF WE DON'T CARE ABOUT AND ISN'T NORMAL.

That's so weird.

RATING: I'm British so I'm afraid I can't trust my international thumbs, normal service will return next week.

Wrestlemania 32 is a Miserable Trainwreck

I'm genuinely in shock.

The issues WWE had going into this year's Wrestlemania were widely discussed, injuries have torn the roster apart while the guy they've invested most of the last year into just isn't clicking and wasn't nearly ready to carry this show. As bizarre as the finalised card was on paper WWE actually did do a decent job of putting together a show with a lot of interesting variables, even if the main selling point for this year seemed to be "morbid curiosity" at least the show didn't sound BORING. There's been a whole lot of bad Wrestlemanias, most of them are merely average to below average wrestling shows that's simply fail to live up to the spectacle, but I didn't imagine there would ever be a Wrestlemania would be make me as uncomfortable and angry as Wrestlemania 32 did. 

I don't even know where to start; going in chronological order would cause me to praise the handful of good matches that were in the first half of the show, but that would only distract from the presentation and creative decisions that plagued the entire thing and made it rotten at its core. I will say the show got off to a fitting start with the three matches on the preshow severely hurt by forcing the guys to perform in a half empty arena due to problems with the ticket machines.  

Taking the show as a whole; the fan favourites lost every single match which climaxed with having the guy noone likes win the WWE Championship to a collection of boos and indifference. The entire night was bursting with weird finishes, unbelievably lazy cameos and people being put over for the wrong reasons, mostly that reason was to set up a quick pop as some legend hit the ring for no reason. Most of the card failed to live up to its expectations; Brock Vs Ambrose completely failed to make Ambrose look like a star, Shane Vs Taker didn't bring any of the change that all the build for the match promised and Roman Vs Triple H failed to be even ironically interesting or hilarious.

Let's get the good out of the way, most of which was in the first half which isn't half as important as the main events because that's what everyone remembers. The ladder match was great, but the main purpose of putting a goofy ladder match in the opening spot is to set up momentum for the show that was quickly squandered. AJ Styles Vs Chris Jericho was arguably the best match they've had so far, they're now tied at 2-2 so I assume they're having one more gimmick match at Extreme Rules as a decider but it was still weird to see Styles lose his Wrestlemania debut in the second match. 

A know a lot of people loved the women's match, and I'm willing to nod along and say it was pretty good even if triple threats don't do much for me. I loved the presentation of the match with all the main event-esque entrances, I love the new championship belt, but I'm so tired of how swallow the DIVAS REVOLUTION™ is. Instead of taking three of the best women and throwing them in the ring to do a collection of moves on each other for 15 minutes so you can pat them on the head for how great "WOMEN'S WRESTLING" is why don't you promote them as real stars in angles that are as interesting as the male storylines? Also, considering the entire point of the match was to highlight WOMEN'S WRESTING on the grandest stage I can't imagine a less appropriate time for a screwjob finish.

Baron Corbin winning the battle royal is about as interesting a choice as you can get for a filler match to buff between the two main events where noone knows who's even in it and the winner doesn't matter...which is not at all. There are certainly worst debuts to be made than winning at Wrestlemania but if you don't already know who he is then he's just some dude who threw Kane over the top rope from behind. 

That's as far as the highlights go for me, and all of them come attached with an asterisk, I guess I could mention the New Day entrance as well which might have been the best thing on the entire show, but then they made it into the ring and lost a boring match for bad reasons. Seriously, New Day are arguably the most popular guys in the entire company right now and they lost to the worst heel faction imaginable to set up the brilliantly creative idea of having three random legends come down to the ring to beat up the guys they couldn't for literally no reason. Of course a lot of people liked this, I kind of liked this, you can't not pop for Steve Austin coming down the ramp in front of 100,000 people to pound some dudes, but the way it was executed came off like the creative made it up on the spot during the match.

Decisions like that would go on to repeat throughout the night; the way Dean Ambrose lost was initially underwhelming but it becomes infuriating when you realise the reason he couldn't look *too* tough was because they didn't want to take the thunder out of Shane McMahon's bump who was the REAL star tonight. The Wyatts couldn't fight Brock either on this night to make the matches more distinct because they were too busy getting punked out by the Rock, and then they couldn't get any licks on him either because that was setting up a Cena appearance. Even THAT'S annoying because you realise there was the possibility of having a Rock and Austin teamup or even a Rock/Austin/Cena teamup, which would have been a hell of a visual and made the Wyatts look less like clowns. Instead we needed two of these segments on one night to stretch out the nostalgia pops at the expense of two of the most interesting acts in the company, neither of which made any sense whatsoever. 

Do you see what I mean about this show? I totally understand how someone could have liked this show, there was a lot happening on it, but when you sit down and think about it for two seconds it all becomes disorientating. Even just shuffling around the elements they already had in place inside your brain a vision of a better show begins to emerge. The execution of this entire night, even when it was occasionally good, was flat out baffling.

I don't think there's ever been a Wrestlemania where I hated the last two hours as much as this one, the show pretty much died for me as soon the Divas match ended. Undertaker Vs Shane was embarrassing, Undertaker is my favourite wrestler ever and I'm a huge apologist even for a lot of his not great matches, but this was pitiful. The crowd were pumped for both Shane and Taker as they came out, but they quickly died when the old guys actually started fighting each other. Both looked old, both looked tired, Shane breaking out and kicking out of holds and moves that Undertaker has beaten Hall of Famers with in the past was infuriating. The whole match existed so Shane could jump off the Cell, and no, I was not entertained by him jumping off the Cell.

I felt doubt when he was climbing the thing, I felt sick when he was actually on top of the thing, and I felt gross when he actually jumped. This is not entertainment, if you consider wrestling to be an artform then this was its equivalent of the Jackass guys drinking horse jizz. The whole beauty of a performance art which arts as a celebration of violence and the emotions and drama that can come from fighting is nobody actually gets fucking hurt. Sitting there wondering if a guy has genuinely just ruined his life with his children watching the front row makes me feel like I am watching the lowest form of entertainment on the planet. 

When you step back and think about it, what was the point? To get Shane over? That's all it achieved! I don't watch wrestling for stunts so I can't even appreciate it on that level. A 46 year old man jumped off the Cell for its own sake in a way that has zero long term (or even short term!) benefit for the company. Then you realise Shane lost, and none of the stipulations for this match mattered, the entire point of this seemed to be we were supposed to be excited about a NEW ERA in WWE. Now we've seen behind the curtain, that was never on the table, and now you realise that WWE literally unironically presented Shane McMahon Vs The Undertaker as an actual main event match ON ITS OWN MERITS for Wrestlemania in 2016.

Seriously if you've ever gone on the internet and ranted about old guys filling the Wrestlemania spots, but you defend THAT match because someone did a dangerous stunt you are the worst kind of fan.

Then we come to Triple H Vs Roman Reigns, after all the head scratching finishes and booking on the show this is the ONE match that could have actually used some nonsense to breathe some life into it...so of course WWE have Roman win in the cleanest simplest way imaginable. I thought this match would at least be entertaining to watch due to an obviously anti-Roman crowd, but the show went so long and the match was so bland they couldn't even be bothered to boo for a while. There were token reactions whenever there was a change of offense but other than that noone cared. When Cena wrestled HHH in the main event of Wrestlemania 22 in Chicago at least the crowd passionately hated him throughout, the only reaction Roman achieved was some buzz for spearing a woman, and even then all that did was make the Bayley and Nakamura chants louder. People were talking about Roman turning heel which was a bad idea, but still WWE came up with nothing.

Ultimately, as important as the undercard is for setting the pace, a Wrestlemania can only truly be judged on its main events. This year, one of them was decent but completely underwhelming in a way that actively damaged one of the participants in it, one of them was painfully boring, and the other was also boring but also made me feel like a terrible person for watching it at the end. Other than that, highlights consisted of legends lazily and uncreatively hitting the ring for no reason other than to get cheap pops at the expense of the handful of the remaining other non-injured talent that people care about.

At Wrestlemania 30 the Shield, Cesaro and Daniel Bryan were all put over aging talent while Brock Lesnar broke the streak seemingly ending an era, even though a lot of it fell apart afterwards it felt like a genuine STATEMENT about the future of the company. At Wrestlemania 31 last year, at least we had the arrival of Rollins and three main event matches featuring young talent. They brought out the Rock to work with Ronda Rousey, which at least made the company look somewhat culturally relevant, and the shameless random nostalgia of the Sting Vs Triple H match was locked inside its own bubble and didn't hurt the rest of the show. 

What does this year's Wrestlemania say about the state of the WWE and their future? That they're creatively bankrupt? They're reliant on guys who aren't going to wrestle again to make the biggest show of the year the biggest show of the year because they have no faith in their active roster? That WWE are so out of touch with their audience that the reaction to Reigns in the main event is surprising to them? Or wait, maybe it wasn't, because they piped in fake cheers when he won so maybe they were completely prepared but did it anyway.

I was expecting this show to be weird but I didn't expect in a million years it would be this bad. I was mostly optimistic going in because the show looked like it would be fun to talk about either way, but it's not fun to talk about, even after sleeping on it I just feel tired and bad after sitting through six and a half hours of this tripe. I even hated the set and the aesthetic of the arena! I understand why some people are going to be apologists for this show, I get how you could enjoy some of these matches and segments in isolation from critical thought, but even if you did like this show you have to admit that as far as the outlook for the company's future goes coming off this things are looking bleak right now. 

So good job WWE, you piled 100,000 people into one building for your biggest spectacle of the year which turned out to be little more than a shrug followed by a bowel movement. 

Predictions for the Weirdest Wrestlemania Ever

We're on the homestretch to the biggest show of the year, and the finalised card isn't as bad as initially feared but it does still seem to be about 60% duct tape. The running theme of this year's Wrestlemania build has been "morbid curiosity" where you're not necessarily excited by the developments but you still have to see how in god's name this is all going to turn out. So, let's add to the mandatory pile of PREVIEW CONTENT and talk about these matches and who's going to come out victorious on this somehow-weirder-looking-than-Wrestlemania-27 card!

Note: Wrestlemania 27 featured Snooki, Michael Cole and "Dr Doom" Cody Rhodes wrestling with The Miz in the main event.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP: Triple H(c) Vs Roman Reigns

Oh BABY, the match will probably be okay but I'm sure the crowd is going to make this amazing. Hopefully they don't even bother with having too complicated of a match and just start hitting each other with the "YAY"s and "BOO"s telling the story. 

Here's the thing, you can rant all day long about what a failure Roman Reigns is or how he's going to get torn apart by the Wrestlemania crowd, but he can't lose here. There's no value in keeping the WWE Championship on Triple H, he's only got that thing to feud with Roman in the first place, and whether it's going to pay off or not Roman Reigns has had too much invested in him to go to the Wrestlemania main event twice in a row and fail. Whether he's going to succeed or not in his WWE future is still uncertain, but if he loses this match he's DEAD.

PREDICTIONS: The Rock will almost certainly be making his appearance during this match. He'll probably fight off some Triple H related goons. My guess is this match will be made no disqualification at some point so they can get away with more nonsense and make it a fight. 

What also might happen is Triple H actually does win through some shenanigans, and a freshly in charge Shane McMahon comes out and reverses the decision. 

WINNER: Roman Reigns

NO HOLDS BARRED STREET FIGHT: Dean Ambrose Vs Brock Lesnar

Yes, as has been made perfectly clear, this is a NO HOLDS BARRED Street Fight, as opposed to those other street fights where a bunch of muggers attack you in an alley and get DQed for using the piledriver. 

This is probably going to end up as the most fun match of the night, but even with this there's genuine concerns. A lot of people see this as Ambrose's breakout moment into super stardom, but the crowd might end up loving Brock too much to really care about an Ambrose comeback. This might end up turning into an attempt to recreate the magic of Austin Vs Hart from Wrestlemania 13, but as much as I like Ambrose I'm not convinced it's going to work.

PREDICTIONS: I can't imagine Brock losing here to be honest, but they can get a lot of mileage out of him failing to beat Ambrose too so he doesn't necessarily have to. I hope at some point in the match we see Ambrose chase Brock off with the chainsaw. 

WINNER: Brock Lesnar

HELL IN A CELL MATCH: Shane McMahon Vs The Undertaker

What a difference two years makes huh? This time in 2014 we were all talking about how there's no way Brock Lesnar can beat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania, now not only are most people convinced Shane McMahon can beat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania but they seem entirely fine with that scenario.

I'm going to be honest here, I don't have a god damn clue what to think here, this match is absurd from every angle you can look at it from. If Shane loses this entire thing is pointless, but how in god's name is Shane McMahon supposed to beat the Undertaker, and if the Undertaker loses then it's his last match. Is the Undertaker seriously going to retire with SHANE MCMAHON as his last opponent? Also, we're supposed to want Shane to win to take control of the company, which will start a new GOLDEN AGE or whatever, so not only does he have to beat the Undertaker he has to beat him and come out of the match as the face. Some people have suggested maybe the Undertaker will see the holy light of Shane McMahon and let him win for the greater good, but 1) imagine how crap that would be as his last ever match and 2) that's horrifically out of character. Maybe Shane will redact the retirement stipulation if he gets power but...that's really...cheap.

There's also the issue that the match probably isn't going to be very good. Undertaker can smoke and mirrors this to a decent match but it's not going to join the ranks of his Wrestlemania classics.

Another problem with this match is when it's supposed to happen, if Shane wins he gets control of the company, and if that happens it might undermine the threat of Triple H going into the WWE Championship match. So, is there a chance...this match is going to go on last? Probably not, but it sure is another headache for the creative team!

PREDICTIONS: Undertaker is going to kill Vince at some point either during or after the match, probably after if he's losing. Shane McMahon will probably take some ridiculous bump which insufferable nerds will insist makes him BETTER THAN THE WRESTLERS even though the reason they don't take those bumps is because...y'know, they're not the son of the boss and they have to wrestle 300 times a year for their CAREER. 

The whole pointlessness of this if Shane loses is making me lean closer towards him winning. I don't want to see Shane McMahon beat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania. To be honest I don't want to see that charisma vacuum on television at all, but them's the breaks.

Hoping that WWE pulls some rabbit out of the hat here that justifies all this and makes me look like a dang fool, but honestly, I'm kind of dreading this match.

WINNER: Shane McMahon

WYATT FAMILY APPEARANCE

So these dorks aren't on the card (although some of them might show up in the battle royal) but there's a lot of buzz about them getting a big push after Wrestlemania so most people are assuming they're going to show up in one of the main events. I will say I think their scuffles with Lesnar and Ambrose are a deliberate misdirection and we won't see them show up there. They could show up in the Cell match, but what does that lead to other than Taker beating Bray for the third time?

My guess is they'll show up as Triple H's goon squad and get fought off by a Reigns/Rock tag team effort. Although this entire thing could be a misdirection in itself and they actually just get sidelined like the losers they were exposed as at Fast Lane. 

DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Charlotte(c) Vs Becky Lynch Vs Sasha Banks

I think WWE are going to want to punctuate the DIVAS REVOLUTION™ with a title change so Charlotte's probably not winning here. Absolute coin flip on whether WWE are going to be investing in Pall Mall or Vine Street though.

The match will probably be pretty good but if it sounds like I'm not that interested in it then it's because WWE don't seem interested in it either. The fact it's a triple threat match at all makes it feel like an afterthought, "ahhh, we pushed the Divas we need a Wrestlemania match with them I guess, put 3 of the good'uns in the ring together!"

PREDICTIONS: Ric Flair will take a bump, we'll see gals apply double submissions and get put into double submissions, JBL will still be too drunk to tell the difference between them.

WINNER: Sasha Banks

WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: New Day(c) Vs League of Nations

If I was in the League of Nations I'd be sending Vince McMahon a nice gift wrapped hamper filled with protein and vitamins as a thank you for not condemning me to the Andre the Giant Battle Royal this year. We've got a 4-on-3 match, which can either be used to cement New Day as faces by overcoming the odds or to give them the best Wrestlemania moment they could hope for and finally free them from the shackles of the tag team division.

PREDICTIONS: The League cheats to win and becomes the tag team champions, only to lose the titles the next night on Raw due to New Day...possibly to a debuting Sawft? The teams have a blowoff match at Extreme Rules where New Day get their win back, and all involved get to move on to better and brighter things...especially Wade Barrett who's leaving the company soon and won't have to pretend to be excited about the League of Nations any more.

WINNERS: League of Nations

EDIT: Since initially writing this the match has been changed so the tag team titles are not on the line. There seems literally no reason to make that change unless you wanted the League to go over but keep the belts on New Day, so I'm sticking with them!

ANOTHER EDIT: After thinking about it for another 15 seconds on top of the initial 5 seconds it occurs to me there's really no reason for New Day to lose this match if you're not taking the titles off them either way. So I will in fact change my pick to the New Day and feel like the biggest jerkwad in the world if they don't win.

AJ Styles Vs Chris Jericho

This match hasn't been confirmed yet at time of writing but it almost certainly will be on Raw. I can't think of any other examples off the top of my head of two guys wrestling in the fourth match of their feud at Wrestlemania when one of them is already 2-1 up on the other. Fortunately Jericho has transitioned beautifully from the WWE's resident embarrassing dad to the WWE's grumpiest dad and has helped make another match between the two of them interesting. 

PREDICTIONS: It's probably not going to go as long as their other matches, but with Jericho in full heel mode and a huge Wrestlemania crowd that'll be hot for AJ it's a hell of an opportunity to make him look like a star. This match already feels like an extension of the feud, I don't think they're going to drag it out another month, if Jericho wins they'll be tied again at 2-2 so odds are looking good for AJ.

WINNER: AJ Styles

UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP: Kalisto(c) Vs Ryback

This match is built on the assumption that Kalisto is an underdog champion and "little guys can't beat big guys", so I guess WWE have completely forgotten that Kalisto's "push" began with him getting a surprise clean win on Ryback in the first place. 

I'm not convinced by Kalisto's push in the slightest to be honest, and the way he's been presented on television makes him look like a loser who's been getting lucky. On NXT, Finn Balor is one of the smallest guys on the roster, but it's accepted that the fact he's the NXT Champion makes him one of the best. It leaves him as a credible champion, but when he's wrestling someone like Samoa Joe or Baron Corbin size still plays into the matches because he's a good worker and...HI, one guy being bigger than another big is really visually obvious and doesn't have to be beaten into our skulls thanks.

PREDICTIONS: This could go either way, both guys are getting "sort of" pushed but not in a way where either of them have any real momentum. Ryback was turned heel a few weeks ago for the purpose of this match, whether that was to give Kalisto a credible opponent or give Ryback a fresh run as United States Champion is anyone's guess. And hey, it's the United States Championship, they could literally have either guy win this and then do a rematch the next night on Raw and change/return the title with it being equally meaningful. But it's WRESTLEMANIA so I'll go with the plucky little guy for this.

WINNER: Kalisto

Andre the Giant Battle Royal

I'm sorry what now.

I like having battle royals at Wrestlemania, they're usually as least a little fun and it gets everyone on the show! But boy oh boy did it not take WWE long to completely strip this of any meaning, last year Big Show won it for no other reason than "I've never won a battle royal before and I'd like to" and that wasn't even true, this means nothing. With all the injuries and padding of the card this year it feels like even more of a joke, imagine how much you must hate your life if Zack Ryder and Sin Cara are considered too high level to be in the battle royal but you're not.

PREDICTIONS: I can't even be bothered to look up who's in this thing, so I'll just fall in line and thoughtlessly agree with the internet like a noob. I can't imagine anything I would care about less.

WINNER: Braun Strowman

The Dudleys Vs The Usos

Oh god they found something I care about less.

I don't even know what it is about this that doesn't click. This is an increasingly less popular opinion, but I really like the Usos! They were legitimately one of the best parts of the show back in 2013/14 when they were feuding with the Shield and the Wyatts and occasionally dipping their toes in main event angles. But they've been doing the same thing for years, then one of them got injured for a long time, and they came back doing the same thing. People are just bored of them and they've barely got anyone left to work with now. The Dudleys are great too...but...eh...

Maybe it's because WWE have beaten into my head over the last decade that a tag team "feud" means "they wrestle on Raw every single week" and for this they've actually dragged it out and avoided having a match. 

PREDICTIONS: This might get turned into a tables match soon, and since the Dudleys have come out on top on almost all their encounters and the Usos are yet to get revenge for being put through tables themselves they'll probably be getting the win.

WINNERS: The Usos

GOOD DIVAS VS BAD DIVAS

Another match that hasn't been officially announced yet but probably will be. Whatever, Brie Bella will probably get a win for her team and ride off into the sunset.

WINNER: Good Divas

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP LADDER MATCH: Kevin Owens(c) Vs Sami Zayn Vs The Miz Vs Dolph Ziggler Vs Zack Ryder Vs Sin Cara Vs Stardust

You have NO IDEA how proud I am of myself that I was able to remember all seven of the guys without looking it up.

Anyway, a lot of people seem down on this match and I'm fine with it. It's literally the Kevin Owens show, he was goddamn great on Raw last week and screwed himself into a seven way ladder match with a bunch of losers. Also these kinds of matches are good for huge stadium shows, seven guys going out and doing a bunch of wild stuff is a great way to get the energy up in the building early in the night. 

If there's one complaint I have about this match it's I don't entirely understand why Zayn was called up for it, maybe they just felt he deserved a Wrestlemania spot for all his work over the past two years. I'm not so much annoyed by the fact it's not Owens Vs Zayn one on one as I am they've gone for this and put Zayn in it anyway.

PREDICTIONS: Hopefully Kevin Owens finds a way to retain through some shenanigans, maybe Zayn goes wild near the end and clears out a bunch of guys by himself and Owens takes advantage of him at the last second. I don't think Miz and Ziggler can fit any more Intercontinental title belts in their homes so they've probably requested management to make them lose, Stardust and Sin Cara have no real chance, and Zack Ryder seems to be getting positioned as a possible outside favourite as they've been making a big deal about this being his first major Wrestlemania match...but it still seems unlikely.

Hopefully Owens retains and slides into a proper feud with Zayn after this.

WINNER: Kevin Owens

So that's Wrestlemania 32, it sure is shaping up to be a big steaming bowl of weirdness if nothing else. I will say WWE have done a decent job of pulling a legitimate-ish Wrestlemania card out their holes considering how relatively little they had to work with. 

I will say, as much as I'm not excited for a lot of these matches, last year I was flat out bored on the road to Wrestlemania. Wrestlemania 31 ended up being pretty good in the end but it had zero momentum heading into it and none of us saw that coming. At least this year people are paying attention and seem invested in what's going to happen...even if it's for the wrong reasons more often than not. 

I can't vouch for this card and predict this is going to be a good Wrestlemania, but it's definitely not going to be a forgettable one, and hey that's better than nothing!

Also NXT Takeover Dallas sounds amazing so it'll be a good weekend either way.