Raw Recap April 4th - PLEASE Ignore the Crowd

The Raw Recap returns! After wallowing in their past during one of the strangest Wrestlemanias ever, can the WWE make a positive statement about their future in front of a surely excitable post-Mania crowd? WE'LL SEE.

"A Wrestlemania hangover? NO WAY! It's party time!" - Actual Michael Cole dialogue. 

The bizarre decisions from Wrestlemania continue as the show begins with a disclaimer about the crowd, basically telling people "don't worry about the crowd they're a bunch of weirdos please ignore the boos Reigns will get".

Segment #1  - Vince McMahon promo

"How about that Wrestlemania huh?" - A mixed reaction.

"We have a new WWE Champion..." - UNCONTROLLABLE BOOS

"Shane jumped off that Cell..." - HUGE cheers, okay not entirely on board with this crowd yet. They did chant "No Chance in Hell" along with Vince's music so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. 

Shane limps out to the stage and thanks the crowd for the reaction he got for nearly killing himself in front of his children. The crowd chants "You Still Got It!" and again I agree! Just like the old days he had a really bad match punctuated with a ridiculous bump that hurt the actual wrestlers on the roster who can't follow it! To get a fresh shitpost in on top of that old one, the reason Shane left the company in the first place because he fell out of line to run the business because he was bad at creative.

But never mind that, for basically no reason Vince decides to let Shane run Raw for the night. So maybe actual good stuff with happen, but don't worry it's all wrong because it's Shane doing it and the crowd are only enjoying it because they're weirdos. Your regularly scheduled programming will return next week.

Segment #2 - TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP - New Day Vs Sheamus and Wade Barrett 

New Day cut their promo while Xavier wears a piece of Booty O cereal over his unicorn horn with is phallic even for them, I suspect the only reason they keep getting away with this is because it all goes over Vince's head.

League of Nations comes out and gets massive boos. Hey WWE, are you going to explain why the international crowd of weirdos still hate the boring foreign heel group?

The crowd doesn't mess around and immediately gets into waves and "We Are Awesome" chants, an actually awesome crowd would come up with their own stuff. The match itself was about as standard as these things get, New Day gets a quick comeback at the end and retains the titles.

New Day leaves and Sheamus starts cutting a promo about how dominant the League of Nations should be, there's something wrong and you're only as strong as your weakest link. Rusev and Del Rio grab Wade and Sheamus brogue kicks him. Then for some reason the Wyatts show up and beat up the rest of the League. JBL says the Wyatt Family are making a statement, not much of a statement after Sheamus just talked about how the League wasn't as strong as it should be and kicked out a member.

I hope this is only a squash as they move on to something else, as bad as the Rock/Cena stuff was at Wrestlemania I don't think that buried them as hard as an extended feud with the League of Nations would.

Vince is interviewed as he gets into his limo to leave the arena, he says he doesn't want to be here when the ship goes down because of Shane. Why did you put him in charge then? To make a point? At the expense of your own show? Christ, maybe the Roman "political hit" theory is true.

Segment #3 - Summer Rae Vs Sasha Banks

Summer Rae talks smack about Sasha, Sasha's music hits and she stands on the ramp with a "Really???" look on her face, swaggers down to the ring, grabs the mic and says "You seem to have forgotten Summer, I'm Sasha Banks, and I'm STILL THE BOSS" complete with a slap to the face. 100% perfect, more of this please.

It's a competitive match but Sasha makes quick work of Summer. 

Segment #4 - Apollo Crews Vs Tyler Breeze

Poor Tyler, he escaped to the main roster and he's still having to make all the NXT stars look good. Tyler gets a few licks in but it's basically Apollo showing off all his cool moves and flips with a quick pin off the spinout powerbomb.

Segment #5 - Roman Reigns promo

Oh god, when they announced this segment was next I had the same feeling in my stomach as when Shane was standing on top of that Cell. The announcers remind us to ignore the crowd they're just booing the good guys because they're hipster jerks, I wonder if they're going to start giving that disclaimer on every Raw Reigns gets booed on...y'know...most of them.

Reigns mercifully keeps it short and calls out anyone who wants the championship. Jericho tries to get control of the crowd but they're not having it and simply chant "We are Idiots!" 

Jericho says he buried AJ Styles and he wants a title shot, AJ Styles comes down to the ring and points at the title to a good reaction, Kevin Owens' music hits and gets a ROAR from the crowd, followed by Zayn, the crowd sings along with his music which is becoming one of the most infectious things in wrestling. Reigns stands in the middle of all four guys and laughs them off, Owens and Zayn immediately go into that punching spot they like as they can't help themselves, Jericho drops Styles over the top rope and Jericho gets speared to astounding boos. 

Decent segment to establish challengers for Reigns, presenting him as a fighting champion but also a dismissive jerk to the indie favourites was probably the best they could do on this show.

Backstage Shane McMahon tells Reigns there's going to be a fatal four way no 1 contender's match between those four guys in the main event.

Segment #6 - Baron Corbin Vs Dolph Ziggler

"For those of you who don't know who I am...I don't care" Brilliant first line for Corbin on Raw.

Crowd's not sure how to react to Corbin, I mean he is from NXT which makes him objectively great, but he's also a big football guy which means he's objectively bad, WHAT'S A SMARK TO DO? They're also being distracted by something but I can't tell from the TV broadcast what it is.

The match ends with Corbin booting Ziggler over the barrier and both guys getting counted out, Corbin gets mad and hits the End of Days out on the floor. 

Segment #7 - INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP - Zack Ryder Vs The Miz

Ryder gets a pretty tepid reaction considering it's this crowd, but they chant "You Deserve It!" at him anyway. Ryder talks about how Wrestlemania was the greatest night of his life, he shows a picture of Scott Hall letting him hold his Intercontinental Championship, then as he swaps it for a modern picture of Scott Halls holding HIS Intercontinental Championship the camera cuts to a cardboard cut out of Colt Cabana for some reason. He also thanks his dad who's still more jacked than he is.

The criminally underrated Miz comes out and so far has been the only heel to gain control of this crowd. He challenges Ryder to a supposedly spontaneous Intercontinental title match which explains why they muted Lillian's mic when she accidentally announces this as one as Ryder came down to the ring. 

These guys have what is easily the best match of the night so far, I know both these guys are good but Miz jobs so much and Ryder performs so infrequently that there's still part of my brain that's surprised. Miz punks out Ryder's dad and gets pushed down, then his real life wife Maryse comes out of the crowd and slaps Ryder's dad, Zack is distracted and eats a Skull Crushing Finale to lose the title.

I suspected Ryder would lose the title tonight but I didn't think it'd be to the Miz, who's won so many midcard title belts now he's probably takes swims in his vault of them. 

Kevin Owens is interviewed, it's looking like he's just going to forget about the Intercontinental title.

A promo for the Vaudevillains is aired, who are debuting!!!!!!!

On Smackdown......

Segment #8 - Women's Championship Presentation

Lita is in the ring with the entire women's division to present the new belt to Charlotte, Becky looks really beat up and has a nasty gash on her face. Charlotte comes down to the ring and the crowd immediately starts chanting for Bayley, Michael Cole quickly interjects that "Bayley is not here". Charlotte seems genuinely tickled by the support for Bayley and almost fell apart in her promo because of the crowd.

Charlotte manages to get it together and starts talking about how much more she's accomplished than all the other women. Everyone sulks off apart from Natalya who challenges her to another match, Charlotte refuses so Natalya puts her in the sharpshooter, Ric Flair puts her out of the ring. Crowd expected a debut and didn't get one, then I think they expected Bret when Natalya's own siren went off, they got neither and they weren't happy about it.

AJ Styles is interviewed about the fatal four way. 

A promo airs for the Colons who are debuting a new gimmick.

Segment #9 - TABLES MATCH - The Usos Vs The Dudley Boyz

Something goes wrong with the Usos mic during their entrance, WWE must be anxious right now and ready to mute the audio whenever Samoans are involved. Shane McMahon supposedly put this match together which seems like a waste of this angle, the whole point was the Dudleys' wanted nothing to do with tables, throwing them straight into the tables match the night after their first match with no build is bad storytelling.

The crowd certainly lost interest in the match early and they go firmly into random chants mode. They chant for "Jordan Jordan Gable Gable" so Michael Cole claims "they're chanting get the tables!" Seriously?

The Usos both splash themselves through two tables and the bell is rung for some reason even though that doesn't count. D-Von throws Uso 2 through another table and then they actually win, with Bubba screaming "NOW YOU RING THE BELL! NOW WE WON!"

Sami Zayn is interviewed about the fatal four way, you can still hear Bubba screaming at the ringside area on the arena audio. Amazing. Kevin Owens attacks Sami from behind and powerbombs him through a table which I imagine will take him out of the match. Um, if you're going to do an angle with tables...maybe don't do it directly after the TABLES MATCH?????

Segment #10 - SAWFT and Dudleys promo

The Dudleys are still out at ringside raving and ranting at people, the crowd were expecting SAWFT to show up at some point all night so distracting them with the backstage promo was a good call. Enzo goes on a long rant on the Dudleys and they get all their lines in with the crowd chanting along on every syllable. Great debut for them and the Dudleys are perfect first opponents.

It's confirmed Sami Zayn is out of the fatal four way and will be replaced by someone else.

Segment #11 - NO 1 CONTENDERS MATCH - Kevin Owens Vs AJ Styles Vs Chris Jericho Vs Cesaro

Lillian announces Zayn will be replaced by Cesaro, Cesaro shows up on the ramp in a suit and breaks out that Rock tech by tearing it off to reveal his ring gear. 

As Raw main events go this is pretty much perfect. Everyone got their stuff in, everyone looked great, it didn't throw main event angles away on television for no reason, and it advanced storylines. Owens took Zayn out of the match for their feud with opened the door for Cesaro who looked like superman throughout and Jericho failed to beat AJ at a crucial point. Styles wins which was a surprising choice considering Cesaro's return and him still being 2-2 with Jericho, but Styles/Reigns is an interesting match for the first title defence.

And who would have guessed it, this "weird" crowd stayed invested in the entire thing throughout because it was actually good, funny how that works.

Closing Thoughts

Considering the trainwreck of baffling decisions that was Wrestlemania this was enjoyably simple, good debuts, a good Intercontinental title match and a strong main event. The crowd this year was kind of tiresome, half the time they were chanting stuff just for the sake of being the "post-Mania crowd" and there wasn't a lot of funny chants or genuinely great reactions. But again, it did at least add to the main event.

Then again I feel any praise for the show has to come with the asterisk of all those "ignore the crowd" disclaimers because that was truly bizarre. It's hard to use this show as any indicator of things to come, they kept Reigns off it for the most part on purpose and uncharacteristically piled all the internet favourites into the main event. 

God, who starts their wrestling show with the announcers saying directly into the camera IGNORE THE CROWD THEY WILL CHANT STUFF WE DON'T CARE ABOUT AND ISN'T NORMAL.

That's so weird.

RATING: I'm British so I'm afraid I can't trust my international thumbs, normal service will return next week.

Wrestlemania 32 is a Miserable Trainwreck

I'm genuinely in shock.

The issues WWE had going into this year's Wrestlemania were widely discussed, injuries have torn the roster apart while the guy they've invested most of the last year into just isn't clicking and wasn't nearly ready to carry this show. As bizarre as the finalised card was on paper WWE actually did do a decent job of putting together a show with a lot of interesting variables, even if the main selling point for this year seemed to be "morbid curiosity" at least the show didn't sound BORING. There's been a whole lot of bad Wrestlemanias, most of them are merely average to below average wrestling shows that's simply fail to live up to the spectacle, but I didn't imagine there would ever be a Wrestlemania would be make me as uncomfortable and angry as Wrestlemania 32 did. 

I don't even know where to start; going in chronological order would cause me to praise the handful of good matches that were in the first half of the show, but that would only distract from the presentation and creative decisions that plagued the entire thing and made it rotten at its core. I will say the show got off to a fitting start with the three matches on the preshow severely hurt by forcing the guys to perform in a half empty arena due to problems with the ticket machines.  

Taking the show as a whole; the fan favourites lost every single match which climaxed with having the guy noone likes win the WWE Championship to a collection of boos and indifference. The entire night was bursting with weird finishes, unbelievably lazy cameos and people being put over for the wrong reasons, mostly that reason was to set up a quick pop as some legend hit the ring for no reason. Most of the card failed to live up to its expectations; Brock Vs Ambrose completely failed to make Ambrose look like a star, Shane Vs Taker didn't bring any of the change that all the build for the match promised and Roman Vs Triple H failed to be even ironically interesting or hilarious.

Let's get the good out of the way, most of which was in the first half which isn't half as important as the main events because that's what everyone remembers. The ladder match was great, but the main purpose of putting a goofy ladder match in the opening spot is to set up momentum for the show that was quickly squandered. AJ Styles Vs Chris Jericho was arguably the best match they've had so far, they're now tied at 2-2 so I assume they're having one more gimmick match at Extreme Rules as a decider but it was still weird to see Styles lose his Wrestlemania debut in the second match. 

A know a lot of people loved the women's match, and I'm willing to nod along and say it was pretty good even if triple threats don't do much for me. I loved the presentation of the match with all the main event-esque entrances, I love the new championship belt, but I'm so tired of how swallow the DIVAS REVOLUTION™ is. Instead of taking three of the best women and throwing them in the ring to do a collection of moves on each other for 15 minutes so you can pat them on the head for how great "WOMEN'S WRESTLING" is why don't you promote them as real stars in angles that are as interesting as the male storylines? Also, considering the entire point of the match was to highlight WOMEN'S WRESTING on the grandest stage I can't imagine a less appropriate time for a screwjob finish.

Baron Corbin winning the battle royal is about as interesting a choice as you can get for a filler match to buff between the two main events where noone knows who's even in it and the winner doesn't matter...which is not at all. There are certainly worst debuts to be made than winning at Wrestlemania but if you don't already know who he is then he's just some dude who threw Kane over the top rope from behind. 

That's as far as the highlights go for me, and all of them come attached with an asterisk, I guess I could mention the New Day entrance as well which might have been the best thing on the entire show, but then they made it into the ring and lost a boring match for bad reasons. Seriously, New Day are arguably the most popular guys in the entire company right now and they lost to the worst heel faction imaginable to set up the brilliantly creative idea of having three random legends come down to the ring to beat up the guys they couldn't for literally no reason. Of course a lot of people liked this, I kind of liked this, you can't not pop for Steve Austin coming down the ramp in front of 100,000 people to pound some dudes, but the way it was executed came off like the creative made it up on the spot during the match.

Decisions like that would go on to repeat throughout the night; the way Dean Ambrose lost was initially underwhelming but it becomes infuriating when you realise the reason he couldn't look *too* tough was because they didn't want to take the thunder out of Shane McMahon's bump who was the REAL star tonight. The Wyatts couldn't fight Brock either on this night to make the matches more distinct because they were too busy getting punked out by the Rock, and then they couldn't get any licks on him either because that was setting up a Cena appearance. Even THAT'S annoying because you realise there was the possibility of having a Rock and Austin teamup or even a Rock/Austin/Cena teamup, which would have been a hell of a visual and made the Wyatts look less like clowns. Instead we needed two of these segments on one night to stretch out the nostalgia pops at the expense of two of the most interesting acts in the company, neither of which made any sense whatsoever. 

Do you see what I mean about this show? I totally understand how someone could have liked this show, there was a lot happening on it, but when you sit down and think about it for two seconds it all becomes disorientating. Even just shuffling around the elements they already had in place inside your brain a vision of a better show begins to emerge. The execution of this entire night, even when it was occasionally good, was flat out baffling.

I don't think there's ever been a Wrestlemania where I hated the last two hours as much as this one, the show pretty much died for me as soon the Divas match ended. Undertaker Vs Shane was embarrassing, Undertaker is my favourite wrestler ever and I'm a huge apologist even for a lot of his not great matches, but this was pitiful. The crowd were pumped for both Shane and Taker as they came out, but they quickly died when the old guys actually started fighting each other. Both looked old, both looked tired, Shane breaking out and kicking out of holds and moves that Undertaker has beaten Hall of Famers with in the past was infuriating. The whole match existed so Shane could jump off the Cell, and no, I was not entertained by him jumping off the Cell.

I felt doubt when he was climbing the thing, I felt sick when he was actually on top of the thing, and I felt gross when he actually jumped. This is not entertainment, if you consider wrestling to be an artform then this was its equivalent of the Jackass guys drinking horse jizz. The whole beauty of a performance art which arts as a celebration of violence and the emotions and drama that can come from fighting is nobody actually gets fucking hurt. Sitting there wondering if a guy has genuinely just ruined his life with his children watching the front row makes me feel like I am watching the lowest form of entertainment on the planet. 

When you step back and think about it, what was the point? To get Shane over? That's all it achieved! I don't watch wrestling for stunts so I can't even appreciate it on that level. A 46 year old man jumped off the Cell for its own sake in a way that has zero long term (or even short term!) benefit for the company. Then you realise Shane lost, and none of the stipulations for this match mattered, the entire point of this seemed to be we were supposed to be excited about a NEW ERA in WWE. Now we've seen behind the curtain, that was never on the table, and now you realise that WWE literally unironically presented Shane McMahon Vs The Undertaker as an actual main event match ON ITS OWN MERITS for Wrestlemania in 2016.

Seriously if you've ever gone on the internet and ranted about old guys filling the Wrestlemania spots, but you defend THAT match because someone did a dangerous stunt you are the worst kind of fan.

Then we come to Triple H Vs Roman Reigns, after all the head scratching finishes and booking on the show this is the ONE match that could have actually used some nonsense to breathe some life into it...so of course WWE have Roman win in the cleanest simplest way imaginable. I thought this match would at least be entertaining to watch due to an obviously anti-Roman crowd, but the show went so long and the match was so bland they couldn't even be bothered to boo for a while. There were token reactions whenever there was a change of offense but other than that noone cared. When Cena wrestled HHH in the main event of Wrestlemania 22 in Chicago at least the crowd passionately hated him throughout, the only reaction Roman achieved was some buzz for spearing a woman, and even then all that did was make the Bayley and Nakamura chants louder. People were talking about Roman turning heel which was a bad idea, but still WWE came up with nothing.

Ultimately, as important as the undercard is for setting the pace, a Wrestlemania can only truly be judged on its main events. This year, one of them was decent but completely underwhelming in a way that actively damaged one of the participants in it, one of them was painfully boring, and the other was also boring but also made me feel like a terrible person for watching it at the end. Other than that, highlights consisted of legends lazily and uncreatively hitting the ring for no reason other than to get cheap pops at the expense of the handful of the remaining other non-injured talent that people care about.

At Wrestlemania 30 the Shield, Cesaro and Daniel Bryan were all put over aging talent while Brock Lesnar broke the streak seemingly ending an era, even though a lot of it fell apart afterwards it felt like a genuine STATEMENT about the future of the company. At Wrestlemania 31 last year, at least we had the arrival of Rollins and three main event matches featuring young talent. They brought out the Rock to work with Ronda Rousey, which at least made the company look somewhat culturally relevant, and the shameless random nostalgia of the Sting Vs Triple H match was locked inside its own bubble and didn't hurt the rest of the show. 

What does this year's Wrestlemania say about the state of the WWE and their future? That they're creatively bankrupt? They're reliant on guys who aren't going to wrestle again to make the biggest show of the year the biggest show of the year because they have no faith in their active roster? That WWE are so out of touch with their audience that the reaction to Reigns in the main event is surprising to them? Or wait, maybe it wasn't, because they piped in fake cheers when he won so maybe they were completely prepared but did it anyway.

I was expecting this show to be weird but I didn't expect in a million years it would be this bad. I was mostly optimistic going in because the show looked like it would be fun to talk about either way, but it's not fun to talk about, even after sleeping on it I just feel tired and bad after sitting through six and a half hours of this tripe. I even hated the set and the aesthetic of the arena! I understand why some people are going to be apologists for this show, I get how you could enjoy some of these matches and segments in isolation from critical thought, but even if you did like this show you have to admit that as far as the outlook for the company's future goes coming off this things are looking bleak right now. 

So good job WWE, you piled 100,000 people into one building for your biggest spectacle of the year which turned out to be little more than a shrug followed by a bowel movement. 

Predictions for the Weirdest Wrestlemania Ever

We're on the homestretch to the biggest show of the year, and the finalised card isn't as bad as initially feared but it does still seem to be about 60% duct tape. The running theme of this year's Wrestlemania build has been "morbid curiosity" where you're not necessarily excited by the developments but you still have to see how in god's name this is all going to turn out. So, let's add to the mandatory pile of PREVIEW CONTENT and talk about these matches and who's going to come out victorious on this somehow-weirder-looking-than-Wrestlemania-27 card!

Note: Wrestlemania 27 featured Snooki, Michael Cole and "Dr Doom" Cody Rhodes wrestling with The Miz in the main event.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP: Triple H(c) Vs Roman Reigns

Oh BABY, the match will probably be okay but I'm sure the crowd is going to make this amazing. Hopefully they don't even bother with having too complicated of a match and just start hitting each other with the "YAY"s and "BOO"s telling the story. 

Here's the thing, you can rant all day long about what a failure Roman Reigns is or how he's going to get torn apart by the Wrestlemania crowd, but he can't lose here. There's no value in keeping the WWE Championship on Triple H, he's only got that thing to feud with Roman in the first place, and whether it's going to pay off or not Roman Reigns has had too much invested in him to go to the Wrestlemania main event twice in a row and fail. Whether he's going to succeed or not in his WWE future is still uncertain, but if he loses this match he's DEAD.

PREDICTIONS: The Rock will almost certainly be making his appearance during this match. He'll probably fight off some Triple H related goons. My guess is this match will be made no disqualification at some point so they can get away with more nonsense and make it a fight. 

What also might happen is Triple H actually does win through some shenanigans, and a freshly in charge Shane McMahon comes out and reverses the decision. 

WINNER: Roman Reigns

NO HOLDS BARRED STREET FIGHT: Dean Ambrose Vs Brock Lesnar

Yes, as has been made perfectly clear, this is a NO HOLDS BARRED Street Fight, as opposed to those other street fights where a bunch of muggers attack you in an alley and get DQed for using the piledriver. 

This is probably going to end up as the most fun match of the night, but even with this there's genuine concerns. A lot of people see this as Ambrose's breakout moment into super stardom, but the crowd might end up loving Brock too much to really care about an Ambrose comeback. This might end up turning into an attempt to recreate the magic of Austin Vs Hart from Wrestlemania 13, but as much as I like Ambrose I'm not convinced it's going to work.

PREDICTIONS: I can't imagine Brock losing here to be honest, but they can get a lot of mileage out of him failing to beat Ambrose too so he doesn't necessarily have to. I hope at some point in the match we see Ambrose chase Brock off with the chainsaw. 

WINNER: Brock Lesnar

HELL IN A CELL MATCH: Shane McMahon Vs The Undertaker

What a difference two years makes huh? This time in 2014 we were all talking about how there's no way Brock Lesnar can beat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania, now not only are most people convinced Shane McMahon can beat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania but they seem entirely fine with that scenario.

I'm going to be honest here, I don't have a god damn clue what to think here, this match is absurd from every angle you can look at it from. If Shane loses this entire thing is pointless, but how in god's name is Shane McMahon supposed to beat the Undertaker, and if the Undertaker loses then it's his last match. Is the Undertaker seriously going to retire with SHANE MCMAHON as his last opponent? Also, we're supposed to want Shane to win to take control of the company, which will start a new GOLDEN AGE or whatever, so not only does he have to beat the Undertaker he has to beat him and come out of the match as the face. Some people have suggested maybe the Undertaker will see the holy light of Shane McMahon and let him win for the greater good, but 1) imagine how crap that would be as his last ever match and 2) that's horrifically out of character. Maybe Shane will redact the retirement stipulation if he gets power but...that's really...cheap.

There's also the issue that the match probably isn't going to be very good. Undertaker can smoke and mirrors this to a decent match but it's not going to join the ranks of his Wrestlemania classics.

Another problem with this match is when it's supposed to happen, if Shane wins he gets control of the company, and if that happens it might undermine the threat of Triple H going into the WWE Championship match. So, is there a chance...this match is going to go on last? Probably not, but it sure is another headache for the creative team!

PREDICTIONS: Undertaker is going to kill Vince at some point either during or after the match, probably after if he's losing. Shane McMahon will probably take some ridiculous bump which insufferable nerds will insist makes him BETTER THAN THE WRESTLERS even though the reason they don't take those bumps is because...y'know, they're not the son of the boss and they have to wrestle 300 times a year for their CAREER. 

The whole pointlessness of this if Shane loses is making me lean closer towards him winning. I don't want to see Shane McMahon beat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania. To be honest I don't want to see that charisma vacuum on television at all, but them's the breaks.

Hoping that WWE pulls some rabbit out of the hat here that justifies all this and makes me look like a dang fool, but honestly, I'm kind of dreading this match.

WINNER: Shane McMahon

WYATT FAMILY APPEARANCE

So these dorks aren't on the card (although some of them might show up in the battle royal) but there's a lot of buzz about them getting a big push after Wrestlemania so most people are assuming they're going to show up in one of the main events. I will say I think their scuffles with Lesnar and Ambrose are a deliberate misdirection and we won't see them show up there. They could show up in the Cell match, but what does that lead to other than Taker beating Bray for the third time?

My guess is they'll show up as Triple H's goon squad and get fought off by a Reigns/Rock tag team effort. Although this entire thing could be a misdirection in itself and they actually just get sidelined like the losers they were exposed as at Fast Lane. 

DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Charlotte(c) Vs Becky Lynch Vs Sasha Banks

I think WWE are going to want to punctuate the DIVAS REVOLUTION™ with a title change so Charlotte's probably not winning here. Absolute coin flip on whether WWE are going to be investing in Pall Mall or Vine Street though.

The match will probably be pretty good but if it sounds like I'm not that interested in it then it's because WWE don't seem interested in it either. The fact it's a triple threat match at all makes it feel like an afterthought, "ahhh, we pushed the Divas we need a Wrestlemania match with them I guess, put 3 of the good'uns in the ring together!"

PREDICTIONS: Ric Flair will take a bump, we'll see gals apply double submissions and get put into double submissions, JBL will still be too drunk to tell the difference between them.

WINNER: Sasha Banks

WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: New Day(c) Vs League of Nations

If I was in the League of Nations I'd be sending Vince McMahon a nice gift wrapped hamper filled with protein and vitamins as a thank you for not condemning me to the Andre the Giant Battle Royal this year. We've got a 4-on-3 match, which can either be used to cement New Day as faces by overcoming the odds or to give them the best Wrestlemania moment they could hope for and finally free them from the shackles of the tag team division.

PREDICTIONS: The League cheats to win and becomes the tag team champions, only to lose the titles the next night on Raw due to New Day...possibly to a debuting Sawft? The teams have a blowoff match at Extreme Rules where New Day get their win back, and all involved get to move on to better and brighter things...especially Wade Barrett who's leaving the company soon and won't have to pretend to be excited about the League of Nations any more.

WINNERS: League of Nations

EDIT: Since initially writing this the match has been changed so the tag team titles are not on the line. There seems literally no reason to make that change unless you wanted the League to go over but keep the belts on New Day, so I'm sticking with them!

ANOTHER EDIT: After thinking about it for another 15 seconds on top of the initial 5 seconds it occurs to me there's really no reason for New Day to lose this match if you're not taking the titles off them either way. So I will in fact change my pick to the New Day and feel like the biggest jerkwad in the world if they don't win.

AJ Styles Vs Chris Jericho

This match hasn't been confirmed yet at time of writing but it almost certainly will be on Raw. I can't think of any other examples off the top of my head of two guys wrestling in the fourth match of their feud at Wrestlemania when one of them is already 2-1 up on the other. Fortunately Jericho has transitioned beautifully from the WWE's resident embarrassing dad to the WWE's grumpiest dad and has helped make another match between the two of them interesting. 

PREDICTIONS: It's probably not going to go as long as their other matches, but with Jericho in full heel mode and a huge Wrestlemania crowd that'll be hot for AJ it's a hell of an opportunity to make him look like a star. This match already feels like an extension of the feud, I don't think they're going to drag it out another month, if Jericho wins they'll be tied again at 2-2 so odds are looking good for AJ.

WINNER: AJ Styles

UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP: Kalisto(c) Vs Ryback

This match is built on the assumption that Kalisto is an underdog champion and "little guys can't beat big guys", so I guess WWE have completely forgotten that Kalisto's "push" began with him getting a surprise clean win on Ryback in the first place. 

I'm not convinced by Kalisto's push in the slightest to be honest, and the way he's been presented on television makes him look like a loser who's been getting lucky. On NXT, Finn Balor is one of the smallest guys on the roster, but it's accepted that the fact he's the NXT Champion makes him one of the best. It leaves him as a credible champion, but when he's wrestling someone like Samoa Joe or Baron Corbin size still plays into the matches because he's a good worker and...HI, one guy being bigger than another big is really visually obvious and doesn't have to be beaten into our skulls thanks.

PREDICTIONS: This could go either way, both guys are getting "sort of" pushed but not in a way where either of them have any real momentum. Ryback was turned heel a few weeks ago for the purpose of this match, whether that was to give Kalisto a credible opponent or give Ryback a fresh run as United States Champion is anyone's guess. And hey, it's the United States Championship, they could literally have either guy win this and then do a rematch the next night on Raw and change/return the title with it being equally meaningful. But it's WRESTLEMANIA so I'll go with the plucky little guy for this.

WINNER: Kalisto

Andre the Giant Battle Royal

I'm sorry what now.

I like having battle royals at Wrestlemania, they're usually as least a little fun and it gets everyone on the show! But boy oh boy did it not take WWE long to completely strip this of any meaning, last year Big Show won it for no other reason than "I've never won a battle royal before and I'd like to" and that wasn't even true, this means nothing. With all the injuries and padding of the card this year it feels like even more of a joke, imagine how much you must hate your life if Zack Ryder and Sin Cara are considered too high level to be in the battle royal but you're not.

PREDICTIONS: I can't even be bothered to look up who's in this thing, so I'll just fall in line and thoughtlessly agree with the internet like a noob. I can't imagine anything I would care about less.

WINNER: Braun Strowman

The Dudleys Vs The Usos

Oh god they found something I care about less.

I don't even know what it is about this that doesn't click. This is an increasingly less popular opinion, but I really like the Usos! They were legitimately one of the best parts of the show back in 2013/14 when they were feuding with the Shield and the Wyatts and occasionally dipping their toes in main event angles. But they've been doing the same thing for years, then one of them got injured for a long time, and they came back doing the same thing. People are just bored of them and they've barely got anyone left to work with now. The Dudleys are great too...but...eh...

Maybe it's because WWE have beaten into my head over the last decade that a tag team "feud" means "they wrestle on Raw every single week" and for this they've actually dragged it out and avoided having a match. 

PREDICTIONS: This might get turned into a tables match soon, and since the Dudleys have come out on top on almost all their encounters and the Usos are yet to get revenge for being put through tables themselves they'll probably be getting the win.

WINNERS: The Usos

GOOD DIVAS VS BAD DIVAS

Another match that hasn't been officially announced yet but probably will be. Whatever, Brie Bella will probably get a win for her team and ride off into the sunset.

WINNER: Good Divas

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP LADDER MATCH: Kevin Owens(c) Vs Sami Zayn Vs The Miz Vs Dolph Ziggler Vs Zack Ryder Vs Sin Cara Vs Stardust

You have NO IDEA how proud I am of myself that I was able to remember all seven of the guys without looking it up.

Anyway, a lot of people seem down on this match and I'm fine with it. It's literally the Kevin Owens show, he was goddamn great on Raw last week and screwed himself into a seven way ladder match with a bunch of losers. Also these kinds of matches are good for huge stadium shows, seven guys going out and doing a bunch of wild stuff is a great way to get the energy up in the building early in the night. 

If there's one complaint I have about this match it's I don't entirely understand why Zayn was called up for it, maybe they just felt he deserved a Wrestlemania spot for all his work over the past two years. I'm not so much annoyed by the fact it's not Owens Vs Zayn one on one as I am they've gone for this and put Zayn in it anyway.

PREDICTIONS: Hopefully Kevin Owens finds a way to retain through some shenanigans, maybe Zayn goes wild near the end and clears out a bunch of guys by himself and Owens takes advantage of him at the last second. I don't think Miz and Ziggler can fit any more Intercontinental title belts in their homes so they've probably requested management to make them lose, Stardust and Sin Cara have no real chance, and Zack Ryder seems to be getting positioned as a possible outside favourite as they've been making a big deal about this being his first major Wrestlemania match...but it still seems unlikely.

Hopefully Owens retains and slides into a proper feud with Zayn after this.

WINNER: Kevin Owens

So that's Wrestlemania 32, it sure is shaping up to be a big steaming bowl of weirdness if nothing else. I will say WWE have done a decent job of pulling a legitimate-ish Wrestlemania card out their holes considering how relatively little they had to work with. 

I will say, as much as I'm not excited for a lot of these matches, last year I was flat out bored on the road to Wrestlemania. Wrestlemania 31 ended up being pretty good in the end but it had zero momentum heading into it and none of us saw that coming. At least this year people are paying attention and seem invested in what's going to happen...even if it's for the wrong reasons more often than not. 

I can't vouch for this card and predict this is going to be a good Wrestlemania, but it's definitely not going to be a forgettable one, and hey that's better than nothing!

Also NXT Takeover Dallas sounds amazing so it'll be a good weekend either way.

System of a Dance - Or, why wrestling games don't work

This post is written as part of the March 2016 Critical Distance Blogs of the Round Table theme of "Choreography". 

Let's confuse the issue immediately by pointing out that professional wrestling isn't strictly speaking "choreographed". There's no-one scripting out the matches move for move, there's no rehearsals, not that there would be time for any rehearsals given the schedule of full time wrestlers anyway. Although it's not "scripted", the wrestlers are naturally working together with each other, they may be exchanging signals in the ring or have a few sequences in the match planned beforehand, however they may not even speak the same language and end up building their match in the ring together on instinct alone. There also may be someone called an "agent" working on the match backstage, telling the guys what kind of story they should be telling and how long they have, but if the crowd completely rejects the match that might all get thrown out in favour for something they come up with on the fly.

If you're one of the uninitiated that opening paragraph was probably a bit of a headache, which is partly the fault of the writer but the true problem is professional wrestling is extremely hard to define because it encompasses elements of so many forms of performance art and media. It's got the atmosphere and a lot of the psychology of a live sporting event but it's not an athletic competition, it has angles and storylines that are planned out and written yet there's a lot of improvisation, and it's understood that wrestlers are performers portraying a character yet the audience is somewhat expected to care about the real human beings as well. "Sports entertainment" might actually be the best term for it since it can't be comfortably locked into one or the other, but then again "sports entertaiment" is a trash marketing term dreamed up by the WWE, so we'll just stick with "wrestling".

With all that said, how can you possibly expect to replicate this within a videogame?

Well for the longest time the basic answer to that question was "don't bother". Early wrestling games kept it simple, like more methodical slower-paced (and pretty dull) fighting games. As we got into the mid-to-late 90s things starting speeding up; there were the completely nonsensical Mortal Kombat style arcade fighters which involved the Undertaker shooting souls across the ring and the British Bulldog literally turning into a Bulldog. At home the AKI engine titles on the Nintendo 64 focused on grappling, while on the PlayStation the Smackdown! games went for a much simpler button mashing approach at a much higher game speed which made it a hit at parties. 

Somewhere along the line as the Smackdown! series took over and became the main WWE wrestling videogame franchise (later morphing into the Smackdown Vs Raw franchise and eventually into the WWE 2K titles that are released today) and the focus of each title seemed to shift towards simulation. Matches are governed by momentum, reversals are limited and recharge slowly, wrestlers get exhausted as the match goes on to the point where you can take 15-20 seconds to get up after your own move...and it's AWFUL.

In WWE 2K16 the entire game feels like it's taking place underwater and it only gets worse the longer matches go. Despite supposedly being world class athletes anyone in the roster will collapse from exhaustion after running one lap of the hilariously tiny ring, there's an uncomfortable delay on button presses, animations on moves have too much startup and cooldown times and feel awful for it, and every so often on a hard strike or a large slam the screen will wobble slightly in a pathetic attempt to make this game feel like something. What is causing this? How can these games feel so bad after all this time? How have they actually regressed and got less fun over the years? Well, either Yukes somehow found the only 300 Japanese game developers in the world who have never played Street Fighter or a game by Treasure to program the series, or there's something fundamentally wrong at the core of these games.

The first question you have to ask yourself when you're approaching a wrestling game from a simulation standpoint is "what exactly are we simulating here?" What is the mindset of the player supposed to be? Are we taking the role of the wrestler within the context of the fiction by trying to win the match? Are we supposed to be the performer and attempt to have the best match possible and make the fans happy? Or are we a promoter pulling the strings and attempting to manipulate all the elements into the show we want? Unfortunately, the recent efforts from the WWE 2K series have no real answer for this, so instead opt to be a lumpy soup of unconnected systems, mechanics and ideas that will push the events into something that "sort of" looks like a match you would see on television.

When you're trying to run a simulation while giving a human being a participatory role all of wrestling's contradictions start to collapse on top of one another. It's presented as a contest and a fight, so the game has combos and you can "out-wrestle" someone by utilising your limited amount of reversals more effectively, but at the same time it's performance art and you're supposed to be entertaining people, so the game punishes you for using the same moves too often. Street Fighter doesn't punish you for doing the same moves over and over again, you can win a match by hitting 15 shoryukens in a row, but the reason that won't work on most players is because it's easy to counter and punish. In other words, in traditional fighting games the systems and mechanics are tools placed in the hands of the player(s), in modern wrestling games the systems and mechanics are used to keep the player(s) in line so they can't go too far off script.

Not to claim that system-based games are incapable of producing dramatic narratives, that's certainly not true in other genres and hell it even works by accident in the WWE 2K games from time to time, but it's hard to imagine a wrestling game being successful taking this approach. The systems in WWE 2K instruct us that we can only use counters so many times, that we can only make one major quick-time event comeback a match, that wrestlers' mobility and stamina should be severely cut down by the end of a match. They don't allow for John Cena to fire up that one last time and get all the kids in the crowd to jump out of their seats, because he's already had his one allocated attempt at a comeback this match. So even though these systems of momentum, stamina, reversals, damage and finishers may create an imitation of the structure of a wrestling match, they will fail to capture the drama every single time.

After all that, by attempting to simulate a wrestling match through systems and mechanics, all Yukes have achieved with their recent WWE 2K efforts is create games that aren't fun to play, are illogical from a competitive standpoint and utterly fail to capture what they're supposed to be a pastiche of. In the end, we're not taking the role of the wrestler, the performer or the promoter when we play these games, we're a little kid bashing two Wrestlemania action figures together until we make too much noise and our mum makes us stop.

So it's no surprise that the more fondly remembered wrestling games don't bother with any of that stuff. The best wrestling game to come out in years, WWE All Stars, couldn't care less about simulation or realistic. The character models are cartoonish exaggerations of the wrestlers they depict, the moves are absurd, wrestlers will bounce off the ground and can be juggled in the air, it's a big hot bowl of steaming nonsense. Yet, despite throwing off all the shackles of reality it ends up feeling like a better celebration of the original art form than the games that try to directly mimic it. It recognises wrestlers for the ridiculous over the top personalities that they are, it takes all the cool stuff they do in real life and uses the videogame form to enhance it, then presents this to a virtual crowd that loves every second of it. It makes you feel good about the magic of professional wrestling as a whole and how you value these personalities and the real life people portraying them; Hulk Hogan may have never actually jumped 45 feet into the air on a leg drop, but WWE All Stars makes you realise how much you always wanted him to. 

There you go VIDEOGAMES, you jerks, there's what you need to do if you want to celebrate the events and moves of a professional wrestling match within your medium. Don't make wrestlers feel like their legs are made out of lead and have them gasping for air within 5 minutes, just before they get beaten up with zero defensive options because they used up their allocated number of reversals. Don't make your game deliberately unfair because sometimes cheap finishes happen on the television show. Instead, portray wrestlers as the superheroes and the real life fighting game characters we all want them to be, let them control the matches with their own ridiculous actions and abilities, take the best and most awe-inspiring things they do and run with them as far as you can. After all, it's not like anyone can get hurt!

Raw Recap 14/3/16 - The show where Roman punched some dudes

Here's this week's Raw Recap, a thing I write every week as Raw goes on to spare my Twitter followers from a conga line of cold takes every Tuesday morning.

After Roadblock threatened to completely reshaping Wrestlemania and...literally nothing changed whatsoever, we're on the homestretch with the first of three final Raws to piece together the biggest show of the year.

Segment #1 - WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP - New Day Vs Rusev and Alberto Del Rio

Feels like a rare treat whenever Raw starts off with a match and not the identical 15-20 minute Authority/Cena/Reigns opening promo. Also New Day had their promo interrupted by a heel team for an appropriate crowd reaction for once, I wonder if Vince even realises that the past couple of weeks New Day have been making jokes about eating out people's assholes and getting away with it. JBL's got a new thing where he keeps comparing the League of Nations to the Four Horsemen and my nipples invert in protest every time he does it.

Anyway, League of Nations initially got a tag team title shot by getting made fun of on social media and not doing anything about it, and now the other two members get their own title shot because their friends lost. Xavier wrestles instead of Kofi which made me worry they were going to lose but Xavier managed to pull it out. I liked the finish because it involves Kofi taking out the other two guy League members by himself to distract Rusev, who Xavier then gets a dirty pin on. It's a good way to establish New Day as the babyface team without them having a personality change overnight. 

All four League members beat down New Day after the match establishing their turn. Someone big needs to turn heel soon, the current WWE roster right now feels like a scramble to get to fight the one major villain, it's like Mortal Kombat. There was an awkward moment during the beatdown where Xavier was caught up in the turnbuckle and several League members went to let him down but the referee kept stopping them and the production team kept awkwardly cutting away. I don't know if they liked the image and wanted it to linger a bit longer, or if the League's timing was off, or if their was genuine concern for Xavier's safety but it was an awkward footnote on what was otherwise an effective angle.

Oh, and Big E never goes for a pin after that splash he does and I hate that. A running splash in the middle of the ring with no cover isn't a good setup move Biggles do something else.

Segment #2 - Dean Ambrose, Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman confrontation

Ambrose briefly mentions Roadblock but doesn't linger on it too much, which is probably for the best but he should have made a bigger deal out of the fact he did have Triple H beat. Paul Heyman interrupts and makes it clear he wants to see Brock destroy Ambrose but has reasons to not let it happen since Brock needs a big match for Wrestlemania. Paul Heyman leaves but Brock hesitates and makes his way down to the ring anyway but Ambrose keeps him out with a crowbar. It took Michael Cole about a minute to even notice Ambrose had a crowbar, and JBL shouted "this guy doesn't have a brain in his body!"...so going down to the ring and calling out Lesnar would have been smarter without a weapon? GET NEW ANNOUNCERS.

Segment #3 - Sin Cara Vs Ryback

Imagine if instead of Kalisto this feud was Ryback versus the original Sin Cara, what a beautiful disaster that could have been. The match doesn't last long, Ryback hits a Shellshock twice on Sin Cara for the win, then Ryback challenges Kalisto for the title at Wrestlemania.

Segment #4 - Stephanie McMahon and Triple H promo

Stephanie welcomes everyone to Monday Night Raw even though she's in the fourth segment, I guess when you have to start every show with the exact same promo for a couple of years you can be prone to going on autopilot. She introduced Triple H who goes on about Authority for what feels like an hour. The only time he gets any significant heat in this rambling is the couple of times he implies that people love Roman Reigns. 

To stop this promo from overrunning into Wrestlemania 35 Dolph Ziggler interrupts to a hilarious non-reaction, I think even the Ziggler fans knew he's coming out to DIE. Maybe Ziggler just suffers under the iron grip of the WWE writers but after years of watching him attempt to do promos I can't imagine him doing standup or whatever his other interests are. Triple H says he's not going to fire Ziggler because people love him, that gets a tepid reaction so he says "no no really, you guys love Dolph Ziggler right???", on a third attempt this crowd wakes up a little. 

Not to be too hard on Ziggler, it's not really his fault that this doesn't work. He's done little of substance in months, the last proper storyline he was in was god awful so when he comes out and starts complaining about this and that putting him down he just comes off as a whiny crybaby. When Daniel Bryan was doing this kind of stuff he was beating Randy Orton and wrestling main events every week and surviving ridiculous matches and beatdowns every week, Ziggler typically wrestles 3-5 minutes in the third segment. As mentioned earlier on most Raws this segment would start the show, clearly someone didn't think Ziggler would be a strong enough hook to hold people for the full three hours.

Anyway, Stephanie puts Dolph in a match with Triple H later tonight, if Ziggler wins he gets any match he wants at Wrestlemania other than a WWE title match.

Segment #5 - Sami Zayn Vs The Miz

I'm guessing if Ziggler wins he's going to want a Wrestlemania match against Miz so they can settle their 10290-10290 match tie on the grandest stage. Zayn does his fakeout recovery moonsault early in the match but the WWE cameras don't show Miz moving out of the way first so he just looks silly. Kevin Owens is on commentary and is salty about Zayn throughout the match.

Byron Saxton: "Don't you remember Sami Zayn eliminated you from the Royal Rumble?"
KO: "Byron, would you like to be eliminated from this announce team right now?"

Owens tries to distract Zayn, but gets clobbered by Miz from behind since Owens walked out on him on Smackdown in a tag match, so the finish actually comes with Owens distracting Miz for a Zayn win. 

The League of Nations challenges New Day to a title match at Wrestlemania, because nothing earns you a title match in this company harder than losing two in a row. They don't specify any kind of match or who will be in the match so...okay. But there will be A League Vs New Day match at Wrestlemania.

Segment #6 - Alicia Fox and Brie Bella Vs Tamina and Naomi

Sorry, especially in a world where WWE actually put on decent women's matches every now and then you cannot pay me to care about the worst Diva Vs the greenest Diva. Lana distracts Brie and team BA win or something. Wait no, I'm really poor right now, if you're willing to pay me to care I will happily watch this again and break it down move for move.

Social Outcasts sell some meat, still like this team better than the League.

Paige and Lana sass each other on a backstage interview, looking like WWE is going to throw all the other Divas in some big and hopefully short tag match.

Charlotte is interviewed about her Wrestlemania match and rags on Sasha and Becky for being a bunch of noobs in NXT and how she's better than them.

Segment #7 - The Usos Vs Bo Dallas and Adam Rose

Social Outcasts now have proper team gear and colours, I am not joking in the slightest when I say they're a better team than the League. The Dudleys are on commentary but walk off almost immediately, the Usos win despite Dudley distraction and interference from Slater and Axel. Not much of a match, just giving Usos a win. 

As rumoured Mick Foley shows up and talks to Dean Ambrose backstage. Mick Foley asks Ambrose why he wants this match with Lesnar when he knows he's going to get hurt. Ambrose asks him why he kept going at Hell in a Cell, Foley says "because I'm Mick Foley, and that's what I did" and Ambrose responds in the same matter. Foley tells him since his mind is made up he has a little present for him, and gives him the barbed wire baseball bat. Wish it had gone on longer than it did but I had a smile on my face through this whole thing. 

Segment #8 - Dolph Ziggler Vs Triple H

I knew they did the Ziggler/HHH promo in the second hour because they didn't think he was a strong enough hook for the show...but I somewhat foolishly assumed it would at least main event the show but NOPE ends the second hour. I did enjoy the match a lot though, I struggle to get into a lot of Ziggler matches because he goes too fast and doesn't let anything sink in, but big Trips kept the pace down and worked the shoulder which played into the whole match. Triple H tries to catch Dolph with a quick Pedigree off a count out attempt like he did with Ambrose, Dolph gets out of it, dunks himself on his own head off a failed Zig Zag attempt and then goes down for the Pedigree. 

After the match Roman Reigns returns and the most awkward high level feud brawl I've ever seen breaks out, Reigns initial takedown looked like it was in slow motion. As ever the crowd is an awkward collage of pockets of boos and cheers. When it gets going there's good images of Triple H trying to desperately get away from Reigns with blood all over his head with Reigns sending referees and security people flying which will look great in a promo package. Reigns gets stopped by his closest family and friends The Usos, Jack Swagger and Mark Henry. 

The Triple H Vs Roman Reigns match is one of the most bizarre Wrestlemania main events in history, a heel legend that can barely beat scrublords like Dolph Ziggler Vs the most rejected hero since Raiden, both involved in some of the most violent segments in years yet people barely care. I'm genuinely interested in what's going to happen even if it's more morbid curiousity than excitement. Even if they do the most by the book match possible with Reigns winning and celebrating with The Rock it's going to be an interesting crowd reaction.

Backstage, R-Truth asks Goldust if he wants to be a penguin, Goldust says no, and SCENE.

Segment #9 - Chris Jericho Vs Neville

Jericho cuts another promo on the fans for liking AJ Styles more than him and says AJ isn't that good. Diva Jericho is best Jericho. Neville hurts himself by inverting his ankle on a slide, he was visibly limping and Jericho goes for a roll up that Neville awkwardly kicks out of, causing Jericho to push the referee and get disqualified which I guess must have been the intended finish. 

Jericho buys some time by cutting another promo, AJ Styles makes his return and hits Jericho with a flying forearm, probably a mistake to do this immediately after the Reigns return but I imagine the match was supposed to go a lot longer than it did. Jericho did his best to save this but it still didn't come off great, at time of writing there's no update on Neville but hopefully he's not seriously injured. 

Segment #10 - Undertaker, Vince and Shane McMahon promo

Vince talks about how bad Shane is going to get hurt at Wrestlemania, and then introduces the Undertaker for some reason even though that didn't exactly go well the last time he did that. Shane McMahon gets a bigger pop than Undertaker which is infuriating, completely unjustifiable nostalgia droolings. Seeing balding Undertaker in the ring with grey haired jeans wearing Shane McMahon at the same time is really highlighting how absurd this match is. Shane talks about how he plans to beat up the Undertaker which is so silly it comes off as a heel promo, especially when everyone laughs at him for screwing up a line and saying his punches are going to miss. I'm just imagining someone tuning into this show for the first time and seeing three old men yelling each other with one saying he's hired a zombie to beat up his son in a cage for the control of the company.

Undertaker and Shane fight, Shane irritatingly holds his own for a while until Vince pushes him into the Undertaker for a chokeslam, then Undertaker chases Vince out of the ring. One thing I didn't get about this promo is Shane brings up the question of why Undertaker would help Vince or even be in this match in the first place, which is then instantly dropped with no explanation. This match is indefensibly ridiculous and nonsensical no matter what angle you look at it, don't bring up questions you don't need to especially if you don't have the answers.

Closing Thoughts

A decent Raw, it's nice to see people actually showing up to promote their Wrestlemania matches this year. The problem with assessing these shows is Triple H Vs Reigns and Shane Vs Taker are two utterly bizarre main events for Wrestlemania for a variety of reasons so any segments building towards them are fighting an uphill battle. This is definitely one of the more intriguing Wrestlemanias in years even if it's mostly for really bad reasons. 

There was a bunch of good stuff on the show, main issue is perhaps there was too much on one show? Brock and Dean got lost inbetween all the violence a bit, and there were two major beatdowns with two returns from beatdowns as well as the grandpa date to close the show. Still, unlike last year with every passing week the overall card takes shape and we learn a little more about why we should care about each one.

THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE, HELD ABOVE A VENT BLOWING THEM SLIGHTLY FURTHER UP BUT NOT QUITE KEEPING THEM THERE