Predictions for the Weirdest Wrestlemania Ever

We're on the homestretch to the biggest show of the year, and the finalised card isn't as bad as initially feared but it does still seem to be about 60% duct tape. The running theme of this year's Wrestlemania build has been "morbid curiosity" where you're not necessarily excited by the developments but you still have to see how in god's name this is all going to turn out. So, let's add to the mandatory pile of PREVIEW CONTENT and talk about these matches and who's going to come out victorious on this somehow-weirder-looking-than-Wrestlemania-27 card!

Note: Wrestlemania 27 featured Snooki, Michael Cole and "Dr Doom" Cody Rhodes wrestling with The Miz in the main event.

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP: Triple H(c) Vs Roman Reigns

Oh BABY, the match will probably be okay but I'm sure the crowd is going to make this amazing. Hopefully they don't even bother with having too complicated of a match and just start hitting each other with the "YAY"s and "BOO"s telling the story. 

Here's the thing, you can rant all day long about what a failure Roman Reigns is or how he's going to get torn apart by the Wrestlemania crowd, but he can't lose here. There's no value in keeping the WWE Championship on Triple H, he's only got that thing to feud with Roman in the first place, and whether it's going to pay off or not Roman Reigns has had too much invested in him to go to the Wrestlemania main event twice in a row and fail. Whether he's going to succeed or not in his WWE future is still uncertain, but if he loses this match he's DEAD.

PREDICTIONS: The Rock will almost certainly be making his appearance during this match. He'll probably fight off some Triple H related goons. My guess is this match will be made no disqualification at some point so they can get away with more nonsense and make it a fight. 

What also might happen is Triple H actually does win through some shenanigans, and a freshly in charge Shane McMahon comes out and reverses the decision. 

WINNER: Roman Reigns

NO HOLDS BARRED STREET FIGHT: Dean Ambrose Vs Brock Lesnar

Yes, as has been made perfectly clear, this is a NO HOLDS BARRED Street Fight, as opposed to those other street fights where a bunch of muggers attack you in an alley and get DQed for using the piledriver. 

This is probably going to end up as the most fun match of the night, but even with this there's genuine concerns. A lot of people see this as Ambrose's breakout moment into super stardom, but the crowd might end up loving Brock too much to really care about an Ambrose comeback. This might end up turning into an attempt to recreate the magic of Austin Vs Hart from Wrestlemania 13, but as much as I like Ambrose I'm not convinced it's going to work.

PREDICTIONS: I can't imagine Brock losing here to be honest, but they can get a lot of mileage out of him failing to beat Ambrose too so he doesn't necessarily have to. I hope at some point in the match we see Ambrose chase Brock off with the chainsaw. 

WINNER: Brock Lesnar

HELL IN A CELL MATCH: Shane McMahon Vs The Undertaker

What a difference two years makes huh? This time in 2014 we were all talking about how there's no way Brock Lesnar can beat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania, now not only are most people convinced Shane McMahon can beat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania but they seem entirely fine with that scenario.

I'm going to be honest here, I don't have a god damn clue what to think here, this match is absurd from every angle you can look at it from. If Shane loses this entire thing is pointless, but how in god's name is Shane McMahon supposed to beat the Undertaker, and if the Undertaker loses then it's his last match. Is the Undertaker seriously going to retire with SHANE MCMAHON as his last opponent? Also, we're supposed to want Shane to win to take control of the company, which will start a new GOLDEN AGE or whatever, so not only does he have to beat the Undertaker he has to beat him and come out of the match as the face. Some people have suggested maybe the Undertaker will see the holy light of Shane McMahon and let him win for the greater good, but 1) imagine how crap that would be as his last ever match and 2) that's horrifically out of character. Maybe Shane will redact the retirement stipulation if he gets power but...that's really...cheap.

There's also the issue that the match probably isn't going to be very good. Undertaker can smoke and mirrors this to a decent match but it's not going to join the ranks of his Wrestlemania classics.

Another problem with this match is when it's supposed to happen, if Shane wins he gets control of the company, and if that happens it might undermine the threat of Triple H going into the WWE Championship match. So, is there a chance...this match is going to go on last? Probably not, but it sure is another headache for the creative team!

PREDICTIONS: Undertaker is going to kill Vince at some point either during or after the match, probably after if he's losing. Shane McMahon will probably take some ridiculous bump which insufferable nerds will insist makes him BETTER THAN THE WRESTLERS even though the reason they don't take those bumps is because...y'know, they're not the son of the boss and they have to wrestle 300 times a year for their CAREER. 

The whole pointlessness of this if Shane loses is making me lean closer towards him winning. I don't want to see Shane McMahon beat the Undertaker at Wrestlemania. To be honest I don't want to see that charisma vacuum on television at all, but them's the breaks.

Hoping that WWE pulls some rabbit out of the hat here that justifies all this and makes me look like a dang fool, but honestly, I'm kind of dreading this match.

WINNER: Shane McMahon

WYATT FAMILY APPEARANCE

So these dorks aren't on the card (although some of them might show up in the battle royal) but there's a lot of buzz about them getting a big push after Wrestlemania so most people are assuming they're going to show up in one of the main events. I will say I think their scuffles with Lesnar and Ambrose are a deliberate misdirection and we won't see them show up there. They could show up in the Cell match, but what does that lead to other than Taker beating Bray for the third time?

My guess is they'll show up as Triple H's goon squad and get fought off by a Reigns/Rock tag team effort. Although this entire thing could be a misdirection in itself and they actually just get sidelined like the losers they were exposed as at Fast Lane. 

DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Charlotte(c) Vs Becky Lynch Vs Sasha Banks

I think WWE are going to want to punctuate the DIVAS REVOLUTION™ with a title change so Charlotte's probably not winning here. Absolute coin flip on whether WWE are going to be investing in Pall Mall or Vine Street though.

The match will probably be pretty good but if it sounds like I'm not that interested in it then it's because WWE don't seem interested in it either. The fact it's a triple threat match at all makes it feel like an afterthought, "ahhh, we pushed the Divas we need a Wrestlemania match with them I guess, put 3 of the good'uns in the ring together!"

PREDICTIONS: Ric Flair will take a bump, we'll see gals apply double submissions and get put into double submissions, JBL will still be too drunk to tell the difference between them.

WINNER: Sasha Banks

WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: New Day(c) Vs League of Nations

If I was in the League of Nations I'd be sending Vince McMahon a nice gift wrapped hamper filled with protein and vitamins as a thank you for not condemning me to the Andre the Giant Battle Royal this year. We've got a 4-on-3 match, which can either be used to cement New Day as faces by overcoming the odds or to give them the best Wrestlemania moment they could hope for and finally free them from the shackles of the tag team division.

PREDICTIONS: The League cheats to win and becomes the tag team champions, only to lose the titles the next night on Raw due to New Day...possibly to a debuting Sawft? The teams have a blowoff match at Extreme Rules where New Day get their win back, and all involved get to move on to better and brighter things...especially Wade Barrett who's leaving the company soon and won't have to pretend to be excited about the League of Nations any more.

WINNERS: League of Nations

EDIT: Since initially writing this the match has been changed so the tag team titles are not on the line. There seems literally no reason to make that change unless you wanted the League to go over but keep the belts on New Day, so I'm sticking with them!

ANOTHER EDIT: After thinking about it for another 15 seconds on top of the initial 5 seconds it occurs to me there's really no reason for New Day to lose this match if you're not taking the titles off them either way. So I will in fact change my pick to the New Day and feel like the biggest jerkwad in the world if they don't win.

AJ Styles Vs Chris Jericho

This match hasn't been confirmed yet at time of writing but it almost certainly will be on Raw. I can't think of any other examples off the top of my head of two guys wrestling in the fourth match of their feud at Wrestlemania when one of them is already 2-1 up on the other. Fortunately Jericho has transitioned beautifully from the WWE's resident embarrassing dad to the WWE's grumpiest dad and has helped make another match between the two of them interesting. 

PREDICTIONS: It's probably not going to go as long as their other matches, but with Jericho in full heel mode and a huge Wrestlemania crowd that'll be hot for AJ it's a hell of an opportunity to make him look like a star. This match already feels like an extension of the feud, I don't think they're going to drag it out another month, if Jericho wins they'll be tied again at 2-2 so odds are looking good for AJ.

WINNER: AJ Styles

UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP: Kalisto(c) Vs Ryback

This match is built on the assumption that Kalisto is an underdog champion and "little guys can't beat big guys", so I guess WWE have completely forgotten that Kalisto's "push" began with him getting a surprise clean win on Ryback in the first place. 

I'm not convinced by Kalisto's push in the slightest to be honest, and the way he's been presented on television makes him look like a loser who's been getting lucky. On NXT, Finn Balor is one of the smallest guys on the roster, but it's accepted that the fact he's the NXT Champion makes him one of the best. It leaves him as a credible champion, but when he's wrestling someone like Samoa Joe or Baron Corbin size still plays into the matches because he's a good worker and...HI, one guy being bigger than another big is really visually obvious and doesn't have to be beaten into our skulls thanks.

PREDICTIONS: This could go either way, both guys are getting "sort of" pushed but not in a way where either of them have any real momentum. Ryback was turned heel a few weeks ago for the purpose of this match, whether that was to give Kalisto a credible opponent or give Ryback a fresh run as United States Champion is anyone's guess. And hey, it's the United States Championship, they could literally have either guy win this and then do a rematch the next night on Raw and change/return the title with it being equally meaningful. But it's WRESTLEMANIA so I'll go with the plucky little guy for this.

WINNER: Kalisto

Andre the Giant Battle Royal

I'm sorry what now.

I like having battle royals at Wrestlemania, they're usually as least a little fun and it gets everyone on the show! But boy oh boy did it not take WWE long to completely strip this of any meaning, last year Big Show won it for no other reason than "I've never won a battle royal before and I'd like to" and that wasn't even true, this means nothing. With all the injuries and padding of the card this year it feels like even more of a joke, imagine how much you must hate your life if Zack Ryder and Sin Cara are considered too high level to be in the battle royal but you're not.

PREDICTIONS: I can't even be bothered to look up who's in this thing, so I'll just fall in line and thoughtlessly agree with the internet like a noob. I can't imagine anything I would care about less.

WINNER: Braun Strowman

The Dudleys Vs The Usos

Oh god they found something I care about less.

I don't even know what it is about this that doesn't click. This is an increasingly less popular opinion, but I really like the Usos! They were legitimately one of the best parts of the show back in 2013/14 when they were feuding with the Shield and the Wyatts and occasionally dipping their toes in main event angles. But they've been doing the same thing for years, then one of them got injured for a long time, and they came back doing the same thing. People are just bored of them and they've barely got anyone left to work with now. The Dudleys are great too...but...eh...

Maybe it's because WWE have beaten into my head over the last decade that a tag team "feud" means "they wrestle on Raw every single week" and for this they've actually dragged it out and avoided having a match. 

PREDICTIONS: This might get turned into a tables match soon, and since the Dudleys have come out on top on almost all their encounters and the Usos are yet to get revenge for being put through tables themselves they'll probably be getting the win.

WINNERS: The Usos

GOOD DIVAS VS BAD DIVAS

Another match that hasn't been officially announced yet but probably will be. Whatever, Brie Bella will probably get a win for her team and ride off into the sunset.

WINNER: Good Divas

INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP LADDER MATCH: Kevin Owens(c) Vs Sami Zayn Vs The Miz Vs Dolph Ziggler Vs Zack Ryder Vs Sin Cara Vs Stardust

You have NO IDEA how proud I am of myself that I was able to remember all seven of the guys without looking it up.

Anyway, a lot of people seem down on this match and I'm fine with it. It's literally the Kevin Owens show, he was goddamn great on Raw last week and screwed himself into a seven way ladder match with a bunch of losers. Also these kinds of matches are good for huge stadium shows, seven guys going out and doing a bunch of wild stuff is a great way to get the energy up in the building early in the night. 

If there's one complaint I have about this match it's I don't entirely understand why Zayn was called up for it, maybe they just felt he deserved a Wrestlemania spot for all his work over the past two years. I'm not so much annoyed by the fact it's not Owens Vs Zayn one on one as I am they've gone for this and put Zayn in it anyway.

PREDICTIONS: Hopefully Kevin Owens finds a way to retain through some shenanigans, maybe Zayn goes wild near the end and clears out a bunch of guys by himself and Owens takes advantage of him at the last second. I don't think Miz and Ziggler can fit any more Intercontinental title belts in their homes so they've probably requested management to make them lose, Stardust and Sin Cara have no real chance, and Zack Ryder seems to be getting positioned as a possible outside favourite as they've been making a big deal about this being his first major Wrestlemania match...but it still seems unlikely.

Hopefully Owens retains and slides into a proper feud with Zayn after this.

WINNER: Kevin Owens

So that's Wrestlemania 32, it sure is shaping up to be a big steaming bowl of weirdness if nothing else. I will say WWE have done a decent job of pulling a legitimate-ish Wrestlemania card out their holes considering how relatively little they had to work with. 

I will say, as much as I'm not excited for a lot of these matches, last year I was flat out bored on the road to Wrestlemania. Wrestlemania 31 ended up being pretty good in the end but it had zero momentum heading into it and none of us saw that coming. At least this year people are paying attention and seem invested in what's going to happen...even if it's for the wrong reasons more often than not. 

I can't vouch for this card and predict this is going to be a good Wrestlemania, but it's definitely not going to be a forgettable one, and hey that's better than nothing!

Also NXT Takeover Dallas sounds amazing so it'll be a good weekend either way.

System of a Dance - Or, why wrestling games don't work

This post is written as part of the March 2016 Critical Distance Blogs of the Round Table theme of "Choreography". 

Let's confuse the issue immediately by pointing out that professional wrestling isn't strictly speaking "choreographed". There's no-one scripting out the matches move for move, there's no rehearsals, not that there would be time for any rehearsals given the schedule of full time wrestlers anyway. Although it's not "scripted", the wrestlers are naturally working together with each other, they may be exchanging signals in the ring or have a few sequences in the match planned beforehand, however they may not even speak the same language and end up building their match in the ring together on instinct alone. There also may be someone called an "agent" working on the match backstage, telling the guys what kind of story they should be telling and how long they have, but if the crowd completely rejects the match that might all get thrown out in favour for something they come up with on the fly.

If you're one of the uninitiated that opening paragraph was probably a bit of a headache, which is partly the fault of the writer but the true problem is professional wrestling is extremely hard to define because it encompasses elements of so many forms of performance art and media. It's got the atmosphere and a lot of the psychology of a live sporting event but it's not an athletic competition, it has angles and storylines that are planned out and written yet there's a lot of improvisation, and it's understood that wrestlers are performers portraying a character yet the audience is somewhat expected to care about the real human beings as well. "Sports entertainment" might actually be the best term for it since it can't be comfortably locked into one or the other, but then again "sports entertaiment" is a trash marketing term dreamed up by the WWE, so we'll just stick with "wrestling".

With all that said, how can you possibly expect to replicate this within a videogame?

Well for the longest time the basic answer to that question was "don't bother". Early wrestling games kept it simple, like more methodical slower-paced (and pretty dull) fighting games. As we got into the mid-to-late 90s things starting speeding up; there were the completely nonsensical Mortal Kombat style arcade fighters which involved the Undertaker shooting souls across the ring and the British Bulldog literally turning into a Bulldog. At home the AKI engine titles on the Nintendo 64 focused on grappling, while on the PlayStation the Smackdown! games went for a much simpler button mashing approach at a much higher game speed which made it a hit at parties. 

Somewhere along the line as the Smackdown! series took over and became the main WWE wrestling videogame franchise (later morphing into the Smackdown Vs Raw franchise and eventually into the WWE 2K titles that are released today) and the focus of each title seemed to shift towards simulation. Matches are governed by momentum, reversals are limited and recharge slowly, wrestlers get exhausted as the match goes on to the point where you can take 15-20 seconds to get up after your own move...and it's AWFUL.

In WWE 2K16 the entire game feels like it's taking place underwater and it only gets worse the longer matches go. Despite supposedly being world class athletes anyone in the roster will collapse from exhaustion after running one lap of the hilariously tiny ring, there's an uncomfortable delay on button presses, animations on moves have too much startup and cooldown times and feel awful for it, and every so often on a hard strike or a large slam the screen will wobble slightly in a pathetic attempt to make this game feel like something. What is causing this? How can these games feel so bad after all this time? How have they actually regressed and got less fun over the years? Well, either Yukes somehow found the only 300 Japanese game developers in the world who have never played Street Fighter or a game by Treasure to program the series, or there's something fundamentally wrong at the core of these games.

The first question you have to ask yourself when you're approaching a wrestling game from a simulation standpoint is "what exactly are we simulating here?" What is the mindset of the player supposed to be? Are we taking the role of the wrestler within the context of the fiction by trying to win the match? Are we supposed to be the performer and attempt to have the best match possible and make the fans happy? Or are we a promoter pulling the strings and attempting to manipulate all the elements into the show we want? Unfortunately, the recent efforts from the WWE 2K series have no real answer for this, so instead opt to be a lumpy soup of unconnected systems, mechanics and ideas that will push the events into something that "sort of" looks like a match you would see on television.

When you're trying to run a simulation while giving a human being a participatory role all of wrestling's contradictions start to collapse on top of one another. It's presented as a contest and a fight, so the game has combos and you can "out-wrestle" someone by utilising your limited amount of reversals more effectively, but at the same time it's performance art and you're supposed to be entertaining people, so the game punishes you for using the same moves too often. Street Fighter doesn't punish you for doing the same moves over and over again, you can win a match by hitting 15 shoryukens in a row, but the reason that won't work on most players is because it's easy to counter and punish. In other words, in traditional fighting games the systems and mechanics are tools placed in the hands of the player(s), in modern wrestling games the systems and mechanics are used to keep the player(s) in line so they can't go too far off script.

Not to claim that system-based games are incapable of producing dramatic narratives, that's certainly not true in other genres and hell it even works by accident in the WWE 2K games from time to time, but it's hard to imagine a wrestling game being successful taking this approach. The systems in WWE 2K instruct us that we can only use counters so many times, that we can only make one major quick-time event comeback a match, that wrestlers' mobility and stamina should be severely cut down by the end of a match. They don't allow for John Cena to fire up that one last time and get all the kids in the crowd to jump out of their seats, because he's already had his one allocated attempt at a comeback this match. So even though these systems of momentum, stamina, reversals, damage and finishers may create an imitation of the structure of a wrestling match, they will fail to capture the drama every single time.

After all that, by attempting to simulate a wrestling match through systems and mechanics, all Yukes have achieved with their recent WWE 2K efforts is create games that aren't fun to play, are illogical from a competitive standpoint and utterly fail to capture what they're supposed to be a pastiche of. In the end, we're not taking the role of the wrestler, the performer or the promoter when we play these games, we're a little kid bashing two Wrestlemania action figures together until we make too much noise and our mum makes us stop.

So it's no surprise that the more fondly remembered wrestling games don't bother with any of that stuff. The best wrestling game to come out in years, WWE All Stars, couldn't care less about simulation or realistic. The character models are cartoonish exaggerations of the wrestlers they depict, the moves are absurd, wrestlers will bounce off the ground and can be juggled in the air, it's a big hot bowl of steaming nonsense. Yet, despite throwing off all the shackles of reality it ends up feeling like a better celebration of the original art form than the games that try to directly mimic it. It recognises wrestlers for the ridiculous over the top personalities that they are, it takes all the cool stuff they do in real life and uses the videogame form to enhance it, then presents this to a virtual crowd that loves every second of it. It makes you feel good about the magic of professional wrestling as a whole and how you value these personalities and the real life people portraying them; Hulk Hogan may have never actually jumped 45 feet into the air on a leg drop, but WWE All Stars makes you realise how much you always wanted him to. 

There you go VIDEOGAMES, you jerks, there's what you need to do if you want to celebrate the events and moves of a professional wrestling match within your medium. Don't make wrestlers feel like their legs are made out of lead and have them gasping for air within 5 minutes, just before they get beaten up with zero defensive options because they used up their allocated number of reversals. Don't make your game deliberately unfair because sometimes cheap finishes happen on the television show. Instead, portray wrestlers as the superheroes and the real life fighting game characters we all want them to be, let them control the matches with their own ridiculous actions and abilities, take the best and most awe-inspiring things they do and run with them as far as you can. After all, it's not like anyone can get hurt!

Raw Recap 14/3/16 - The show where Roman punched some dudes

Here's this week's Raw Recap, a thing I write every week as Raw goes on to spare my Twitter followers from a conga line of cold takes every Tuesday morning.

After Roadblock threatened to completely reshaping Wrestlemania and...literally nothing changed whatsoever, we're on the homestretch with the first of three final Raws to piece together the biggest show of the year.

Segment #1 - WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP - New Day Vs Rusev and Alberto Del Rio

Feels like a rare treat whenever Raw starts off with a match and not the identical 15-20 minute Authority/Cena/Reigns opening promo. Also New Day had their promo interrupted by a heel team for an appropriate crowd reaction for once, I wonder if Vince even realises that the past couple of weeks New Day have been making jokes about eating out people's assholes and getting away with it. JBL's got a new thing where he keeps comparing the League of Nations to the Four Horsemen and my nipples invert in protest every time he does it.

Anyway, League of Nations initially got a tag team title shot by getting made fun of on social media and not doing anything about it, and now the other two members get their own title shot because their friends lost. Xavier wrestles instead of Kofi which made me worry they were going to lose but Xavier managed to pull it out. I liked the finish because it involves Kofi taking out the other two guy League members by himself to distract Rusev, who Xavier then gets a dirty pin on. It's a good way to establish New Day as the babyface team without them having a personality change overnight. 

All four League members beat down New Day after the match establishing their turn. Someone big needs to turn heel soon, the current WWE roster right now feels like a scramble to get to fight the one major villain, it's like Mortal Kombat. There was an awkward moment during the beatdown where Xavier was caught up in the turnbuckle and several League members went to let him down but the referee kept stopping them and the production team kept awkwardly cutting away. I don't know if they liked the image and wanted it to linger a bit longer, or if the League's timing was off, or if their was genuine concern for Xavier's safety but it was an awkward footnote on what was otherwise an effective angle.

Oh, and Big E never goes for a pin after that splash he does and I hate that. A running splash in the middle of the ring with no cover isn't a good setup move Biggles do something else.

Segment #2 - Dean Ambrose, Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman confrontation

Ambrose briefly mentions Roadblock but doesn't linger on it too much, which is probably for the best but he should have made a bigger deal out of the fact he did have Triple H beat. Paul Heyman interrupts and makes it clear he wants to see Brock destroy Ambrose but has reasons to not let it happen since Brock needs a big match for Wrestlemania. Paul Heyman leaves but Brock hesitates and makes his way down to the ring anyway but Ambrose keeps him out with a crowbar. It took Michael Cole about a minute to even notice Ambrose had a crowbar, and JBL shouted "this guy doesn't have a brain in his body!"...so going down to the ring and calling out Lesnar would have been smarter without a weapon? GET NEW ANNOUNCERS.

Segment #3 - Sin Cara Vs Ryback

Imagine if instead of Kalisto this feud was Ryback versus the original Sin Cara, what a beautiful disaster that could have been. The match doesn't last long, Ryback hits a Shellshock twice on Sin Cara for the win, then Ryback challenges Kalisto for the title at Wrestlemania.

Segment #4 - Stephanie McMahon and Triple H promo

Stephanie welcomes everyone to Monday Night Raw even though she's in the fourth segment, I guess when you have to start every show with the exact same promo for a couple of years you can be prone to going on autopilot. She introduced Triple H who goes on about Authority for what feels like an hour. The only time he gets any significant heat in this rambling is the couple of times he implies that people love Roman Reigns. 

To stop this promo from overrunning into Wrestlemania 35 Dolph Ziggler interrupts to a hilarious non-reaction, I think even the Ziggler fans knew he's coming out to DIE. Maybe Ziggler just suffers under the iron grip of the WWE writers but after years of watching him attempt to do promos I can't imagine him doing standup or whatever his other interests are. Triple H says he's not going to fire Ziggler because people love him, that gets a tepid reaction so he says "no no really, you guys love Dolph Ziggler right???", on a third attempt this crowd wakes up a little. 

Not to be too hard on Ziggler, it's not really his fault that this doesn't work. He's done little of substance in months, the last proper storyline he was in was god awful so when he comes out and starts complaining about this and that putting him down he just comes off as a whiny crybaby. When Daniel Bryan was doing this kind of stuff he was beating Randy Orton and wrestling main events every week and surviving ridiculous matches and beatdowns every week, Ziggler typically wrestles 3-5 minutes in the third segment. As mentioned earlier on most Raws this segment would start the show, clearly someone didn't think Ziggler would be a strong enough hook to hold people for the full three hours.

Anyway, Stephanie puts Dolph in a match with Triple H later tonight, if Ziggler wins he gets any match he wants at Wrestlemania other than a WWE title match.

Segment #5 - Sami Zayn Vs The Miz

I'm guessing if Ziggler wins he's going to want a Wrestlemania match against Miz so they can settle their 10290-10290 match tie on the grandest stage. Zayn does his fakeout recovery moonsault early in the match but the WWE cameras don't show Miz moving out of the way first so he just looks silly. Kevin Owens is on commentary and is salty about Zayn throughout the match.

Byron Saxton: "Don't you remember Sami Zayn eliminated you from the Royal Rumble?"
KO: "Byron, would you like to be eliminated from this announce team right now?"

Owens tries to distract Zayn, but gets clobbered by Miz from behind since Owens walked out on him on Smackdown in a tag match, so the finish actually comes with Owens distracting Miz for a Zayn win. 

The League of Nations challenges New Day to a title match at Wrestlemania, because nothing earns you a title match in this company harder than losing two in a row. They don't specify any kind of match or who will be in the match so...okay. But there will be A League Vs New Day match at Wrestlemania.

Segment #6 - Alicia Fox and Brie Bella Vs Tamina and Naomi

Sorry, especially in a world where WWE actually put on decent women's matches every now and then you cannot pay me to care about the worst Diva Vs the greenest Diva. Lana distracts Brie and team BA win or something. Wait no, I'm really poor right now, if you're willing to pay me to care I will happily watch this again and break it down move for move.

Social Outcasts sell some meat, still like this team better than the League.

Paige and Lana sass each other on a backstage interview, looking like WWE is going to throw all the other Divas in some big and hopefully short tag match.

Charlotte is interviewed about her Wrestlemania match and rags on Sasha and Becky for being a bunch of noobs in NXT and how she's better than them.

Segment #7 - The Usos Vs Bo Dallas and Adam Rose

Social Outcasts now have proper team gear and colours, I am not joking in the slightest when I say they're a better team than the League. The Dudleys are on commentary but walk off almost immediately, the Usos win despite Dudley distraction and interference from Slater and Axel. Not much of a match, just giving Usos a win. 

As rumoured Mick Foley shows up and talks to Dean Ambrose backstage. Mick Foley asks Ambrose why he wants this match with Lesnar when he knows he's going to get hurt. Ambrose asks him why he kept going at Hell in a Cell, Foley says "because I'm Mick Foley, and that's what I did" and Ambrose responds in the same matter. Foley tells him since his mind is made up he has a little present for him, and gives him the barbed wire baseball bat. Wish it had gone on longer than it did but I had a smile on my face through this whole thing. 

Segment #8 - Dolph Ziggler Vs Triple H

I knew they did the Ziggler/HHH promo in the second hour because they didn't think he was a strong enough hook for the show...but I somewhat foolishly assumed it would at least main event the show but NOPE ends the second hour. I did enjoy the match a lot though, I struggle to get into a lot of Ziggler matches because he goes too fast and doesn't let anything sink in, but big Trips kept the pace down and worked the shoulder which played into the whole match. Triple H tries to catch Dolph with a quick Pedigree off a count out attempt like he did with Ambrose, Dolph gets out of it, dunks himself on his own head off a failed Zig Zag attempt and then goes down for the Pedigree. 

After the match Roman Reigns returns and the most awkward high level feud brawl I've ever seen breaks out, Reigns initial takedown looked like it was in slow motion. As ever the crowd is an awkward collage of pockets of boos and cheers. When it gets going there's good images of Triple H trying to desperately get away from Reigns with blood all over his head with Reigns sending referees and security people flying which will look great in a promo package. Reigns gets stopped by his closest family and friends The Usos, Jack Swagger and Mark Henry. 

The Triple H Vs Roman Reigns match is one of the most bizarre Wrestlemania main events in history, a heel legend that can barely beat scrublords like Dolph Ziggler Vs the most rejected hero since Raiden, both involved in some of the most violent segments in years yet people barely care. I'm genuinely interested in what's going to happen even if it's more morbid curiousity than excitement. Even if they do the most by the book match possible with Reigns winning and celebrating with The Rock it's going to be an interesting crowd reaction.

Backstage, R-Truth asks Goldust if he wants to be a penguin, Goldust says no, and SCENE.

Segment #9 - Chris Jericho Vs Neville

Jericho cuts another promo on the fans for liking AJ Styles more than him and says AJ isn't that good. Diva Jericho is best Jericho. Neville hurts himself by inverting his ankle on a slide, he was visibly limping and Jericho goes for a roll up that Neville awkwardly kicks out of, causing Jericho to push the referee and get disqualified which I guess must have been the intended finish. 

Jericho buys some time by cutting another promo, AJ Styles makes his return and hits Jericho with a flying forearm, probably a mistake to do this immediately after the Reigns return but I imagine the match was supposed to go a lot longer than it did. Jericho did his best to save this but it still didn't come off great, at time of writing there's no update on Neville but hopefully he's not seriously injured. 

Segment #10 - Undertaker, Vince and Shane McMahon promo

Vince talks about how bad Shane is going to get hurt at Wrestlemania, and then introduces the Undertaker for some reason even though that didn't exactly go well the last time he did that. Shane McMahon gets a bigger pop than Undertaker which is infuriating, completely unjustifiable nostalgia droolings. Seeing balding Undertaker in the ring with grey haired jeans wearing Shane McMahon at the same time is really highlighting how absurd this match is. Shane talks about how he plans to beat up the Undertaker which is so silly it comes off as a heel promo, especially when everyone laughs at him for screwing up a line and saying his punches are going to miss. I'm just imagining someone tuning into this show for the first time and seeing three old men yelling each other with one saying he's hired a zombie to beat up his son in a cage for the control of the company.

Undertaker and Shane fight, Shane irritatingly holds his own for a while until Vince pushes him into the Undertaker for a chokeslam, then Undertaker chases Vince out of the ring. One thing I didn't get about this promo is Shane brings up the question of why Undertaker would help Vince or even be in this match in the first place, which is then instantly dropped with no explanation. This match is indefensibly ridiculous and nonsensical no matter what angle you look at it, don't bring up questions you don't need to especially if you don't have the answers.

Closing Thoughts

A decent Raw, it's nice to see people actually showing up to promote their Wrestlemania matches this year. The problem with assessing these shows is Triple H Vs Reigns and Shane Vs Taker are two utterly bizarre main events for Wrestlemania for a variety of reasons so any segments building towards them are fighting an uphill battle. This is definitely one of the more intriguing Wrestlemanias in years even if it's mostly for really bad reasons. 

There was a bunch of good stuff on the show, main issue is perhaps there was too much on one show? Brock and Dean got lost inbetween all the violence a bit, and there were two major beatdowns with two returns from beatdowns as well as the grandpa date to close the show. Still, unlike last year with every passing week the overall card takes shape and we learn a little more about why we should care about each one.

THUMBS IN THE MIDDLE, HELD ABOVE A VENT BLOWING THEM SLIGHTLY FURTHER UP BUT NOT QUITE KEEPING THEM THERE

Raw Recap March 7th - Actually Good For Once!

Raw comes to Chicago with four weeks until Wrestlemania and an extra Network special on Saturday, can WWE keep the momentum going hard enough to avoid CM Punk chants?

Segment #1 - Shane and Vince McMahon promo

Shane McMahon is the most bafflingly popular thing since Symphony of the Night, Shane gets another huge pop and somehow doesn't lose it when he starts talking. This whole thing is the worst kind of pandering "worked shoot" stuff that has made wrestling increasingly less tolerable over the past 20 years. Shane says he will put a stop to "backstage politics", ooooooo, I've heard of that! How exactly are you going to do that Shane 'O? Make sure everyone agrees on everything and noone has any power but you? What kind of totalitarian communist operation is he planning on running?  

Vince comes out and everyone chants "asshole" at him, because remembering that 1999 happened is the only reason anyone is into that (we also get our first CM Punk chant). Vince cuts a promo and sends four security guys to escort Shane out of the ring, for some reason they go in the ring one at a time and Shane beats up all four of them. I can't even remember the last time an actual wrestler didn't get overpowered by security guards but they've got nothing on Shane's crap dance punches.

Segment #2 - Neville Vs Kevin Owens

"That's all you got mate?"

Michael Cole: "Kevin Owens there, mocking the Englishman Neville with the word "mate""

For the love of god replace this announce team.

The guys have a fine match and both of them do fancy flip moves to pop the crowd. Owens get the win off holding the tights, then attacks Neville after the match as he's complaining to the referee. Then Sami Zayn's music hits and he fights off Owens. It's looking like they're building up a bunch of challengers for Owens to do another big ladder match for the title...which doesn't really seem like it's worth calling Zayn up for but the crowd loved it so whatever.

Backstage Dolph reminds Stephanie about how he put her out of power once, weird how the writers remember that now but they completely forgot about that after a week at the time.

Segment #3 - Brie Bella Vs Summer Rae

I can't think of any reason why you would book this match unless you wanted them to kill each other. Lana costs Brie the match then hits the X Factor on her, I guess she's debuting soon...hopefully not at Wrestlemania.

Segment #4 - Dean Ambrose and Triple H promo

It's good to see Dean Ambrose finally getting to do proper promos but he's got to decide whether he wants to be funny Mankind or Cactus Jack because hopping back and forth is doing him no favours. Overall this was a hell of a lot better than their confrontation last week, Ambrose says he'll win the title on Saturday, Triple H says he won't, Triple H puts Ambrose in a match against Bray Wyatt later tonight.

Segment #5 - Dolph Ziggler Vs Rusev, Sheamus and Wade Barrett

So this match is happening because Dolph tweeted about Shane winning at Wrestlemania and putting the Authority out of power like he did at Survivor Series, then deleting it on request (like a true hero), then they paste the tweet on the screen and Michael Cole reads it out anyway. 

Michael Cole - "The League of Nations are starting to gel as a team and really build some chemistry!" AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ziggler gets beat down most of the match, eliminates Barrett but then Rusev and Sheamus double team him for the win. League of Nations aren't doing much, Ziggler hasn't done much in months and none of this has anything to do with the Shane match or...uh, anything else, so I'm not sure what the point of it was. 

They play a video package showing off how cool Shane McMahon is, it's basically him jumping off stuff and looking extremely tired. 

Segment #6 - Sasha Banks and Becky Lynch Vs Tamina and Naomi 

It's a rematch of the PPV match from a few weeks ago but this time Banks and Lynch make short work of Tamina and Naomi. Sasha gets the win and Charlotte attacks both her Wrestlemania opponents from behind. 

Backstage R-Truth and Goldust talk about exploding butts and Mark Henry steals their pizza. 

Segment #7 - TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: AJ Styles and Chris Jericho Vs New Day

The Chicago loved everyone involved here (especially AJ) and was super into this. New Day hit the double team Big Ending on AJ Styles, Jericho's been watching his New Japan tapes and tackles Kofi onto the pinfall to save the match. AJ hits his springboard reverse DDT perfectly for the first time in his WWE career and the crowd goes wild for it, and even nails his springboard 450 splash for I think the first time. New Day wins after Big E takes out AJ on the outside and hits Jericho with the Big Ending.

Best tag match in WWE in a long long time, great false finishes and exchanges, but it mostly due to the novelty of having the crowd care about BOTH teams for once.

After the match AJ helps Jericho up to applause from the crowd, Jericho nails him with three Code Breakers, shoves the Y2AJ shirt down his throat and gets genuine heat for it. This has been Jericho's best run in WWE since 2012. 

Segment #8 -  Tyler Breeze Vs Kalisto 

I don't know what Tyler did backstage to annoy someone, he hasn't been given enough to do to really screw anything up yet. He got his full entrance televised this week though so things are at least looking a little up. 

These guys have a fine match with lots of Kalisto flipping and flopping but the crowd was still reeling from the Jericho/Styles angle before so it didn't get much energy. 

Jojo interviews Kalisto about his upcoming Wrestlemania debut, Ryback comes up and cuts a really horrible promo about not believing why people believe in little guys when he's a big guy. I'm not feeling Ryback's repackage at all, all they've done is strip him of the personality he genuinely had. 

Segment #9 - Ryback Vs Curtis Axel 

Social Outcasts get the best reception they've ever gotten from the Chicago crowd. And I'll say getting rid of the singlet was a good call on Ryback, god DAMN this dude is huge. Ryback does his new running knee and mocks CM Punk riling the crowd up. Just like last week Ryback pounds Curtis Axel into the dirt, hits Shellshock for the win then walks away. 

Backstage Stephanie warns Vince of the unstoppable vengeful GOD that is Shane McMahon. You can't possibly tell me the storyline for this is going to turn into Vince seriously doubting whether the UNDERTAKER can beat Shane McMahon.

Segment #10 - Dean Ambrose Vs Bray Wyatt

This was the best Wyatt's looked in months, he has great chemistry with Ambrose and they had about the best ten minute no finish match you can have until the rest of the Wyatts show up for the DQ and beat down Ambrose. 

Triple H comes down to pick the bones of Ambrose, Wyatt gets in his face and rubs his fingers across the WWE title, laughs and then leaves.  This is all to give time for Ambrose to recover so he catches Triple H with Dirty Deeds by surprise and the crowd goes wild. 

Closing Thoughts

Best Raw of 2016 so far by a LONG way, decent promos, good wrestling and intrigue being built towards matches. WWE also seemed on top of things for the first time in a while, they knew they were dealing with a volatile smarky Chicago crowd and they played up to that throughout the whole show. They were smart enough to not let Roman Reigns drown for once. 

The Shane McMahon stuff is doing nothing for me but I seem to be the only person in the world who feels that way so I can't really knock it too much for that. Honestly the only big complaint I can make about the show as a whole that's not nitpicking individual segments is the announcers are HORRIBLE and I'm noticing it more and more each passing week. Michael Cole has no credibility, JBL doesn't seem to know what he wants to be each week and Byron Saxton is consistently awful all round. Plus Cole and JBL goofing around with each other while knocking Byron like its high school makes for awful television too. 

But anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed this show, last week's felt like it was 5 hours long whereas this didn't drag at all, I'm looking forward to Roadblock and Wrestlemania feels like less and less of a trainwreck the closer we get to it. SUCCESS.

THUMBS UP