I Hate Fighting Dudes in Mirror's Edge

So I played Mirror's Edge for the first time the other night. As with most games released during the period of my life where I had no money (all of it) I'm late to the party, but the game is returning to relevance with a prequel on the horizon and the "short games" argument that hurt it critically in 2008 flopping back into the public discussion with The Order: 1886.

Panned by many for being too short (it's not) and a "failed experiment" (nope), Mirror's Edge is primarily a first person freerunning game with an emphasis on flow. The game boasts a slick art style with by making interactive bright red interactable objects stand out against a bloomy white city and it looks gorgeous. A common complaint with first person platforming is that precision is impossible because you're unable to see your feet while jumping, well to paraphrase GB "Doc" Burford "Why do you need to see your feet? Can't you just know your feet are under you?" This is a problem for a lot of people as many first person shooters make you feel like you're controlling a floating camera rather than an actual person. Mirror's Edge combats this by incorporating realistic lighting effects and motion wobble, and having the main character Faith move with a sense of momentum with appropriately weighty jumps. You know where your feet are, and you when you get the feel for Mirror's Edge (which will be after about 10 minutes if you're cool) you know when to tuck your legs in while jumping over a fence, you know how far away from the ground you are and when you need to hit the roll button to break your fall.

One of the challenges of discussing Mirror's Edge's freerunning critically is it's one of those games that's wonderful when it works and completely miserable when it doesn't. Sure, I can go through how much I mostly had a good time with it, I could also easily go through points of the level design that push the player towards a certain path and generally having a good time. It would largely be for naught, if you're one of those people who simply cannot get your head around platforming from a first person perspective spatially then I can't help you, you're going to hate the game. Then again, there are some people out there who can't get their head around holding B to run in Mario games, that's not an argument for Mario not working conceptually. It's rough around the edges in places, but Mirror's Edge does prove first person freerunning as a concept and I'm excited to see if they work out the kinks in the sequel.

Of course, all of that above only applies to the parts where you actually are freerunning. Mirror's Edge of course does have combat in it. Terrible, awful, trashy combat.

Let's get it out of the way first why the combat is so bad mechanically. A lot of the time you'll be able to run away or through dudes, but there are times were combat is forced upon you. Running head first into a bunch of dudes unarmed goes about as well as you'd expect, so your first priority is takedown one dude to take his gun. In some situations you'll be able to run up to a dude and bash his brains in, but that takes far too long if there's other dudes in the same vicinity already shooting at you. As a solution to this, Mirror's Edge has a counter manoeuvre where getting close to a dude will cause them to attempt to melee you, and if you tap a button at the right time you'll instantly knock out the dude and automatically equip their weapon. Nice idea, but the timing on this is not nearly generous enough, for a game that focuses on flow it was a pretty bad decision to make a counter move that essentially gets you killed if you fail it so unforgiving. There is an ability to slow down time to make the counter easier, but the problem with that is it slows down time too much and I end up screwing it up half the time anyway...then I have to get dude-punched in the face in slow motion instead which makes me feel like garbage.

When you actually have a gun there's no indicator of how many bullets are in it, and there's usually not many. So in hectic moments which turn into full on shootouts (which is most of the final hour of the game) Mirror's Edge turns into a tedious daisy chain of shooting a dude, replacing your gun with his gun then shooting the next dude. Long story short, the combat in Mirror's Edge isn't very good, and not many people seem to disagree with this sentiment. The argument isn't so much whether the combat is good or not, but more whether they should try to improve it in the next game or simply remove in entirely.

I'm all for Mirror's Edge having combat, as good as the game is when it's flowing beautifully scuttling over walls and jumping from pipe to pipe is going to get dull eventually without something to spice it up. I like the idea of physical combat, a focus on one hit environmental takedowns (note: not QTEs) using the space and the layout of walls and rooftops. I also like the idea of having usable items like bricks or trashcan lids that can be thrown to distract dudes or knock something over to change the environment and potential scenarios around you. What I don't like however, is the inclusion of guns.

Shooting in games (when done right) is not boring, and I'm not about to make an argument to the contrary, but considering how grounded Mirror's Edge gets and how the flow comes crashing to a halt every time you pick up a weapon I can't consider the inclusion of guns as anything other than a cop-out. Not only does this defy their own concept mechanically, there's something psychologically wrong with it that undermines the cool parts of Mirror's Edge for me as well.

There's a section in the second chapter where Faith is supposed to meet up with another one of the "runners" to get some intel, so you end up chasing after a guy who has the same freerunning abilities as you. I like this section quite a bit, it's like a nice little challenge mode woven smoothly into the narrative as you're forced to react as fast as possible to keep up with this guy. Near the end of the chase there's a part where he runs towards an elevator, and by the time Faith gets there the doors are already closing on the elevator and you see the guy waving cockily at you as he gets away. When I'm on the run from the cops, snipers and superdudes trained to chase after me on the rooftops (they're like the Shadow Marios from Sunshine) I want to be like that guy! I want to escape from all these oppressive forces in the coolest way possible, I want to imagine Inspector Zenigata lost in my dust behind me stomping on his hat. If Faith had tried to do what that guy did in that sequence, she would have faceplanted into the elevator doors, turned around and stabbed the guy chasing her, then grumbled to herself as she took the stairs.

Another analogy is the appeal of stealth games, the cathartic nature of overcoming tension and being able to enter and exit an area without being spotted. Many stealth games will instafail you or leave you helpless if you do get caught, but others will give you the option to murder your way out of any dire situation. Okay sure, you can murder a bunch of guys and still achieve the objective, maybe in some games it's even fun to do that, but you seriously don't feel like a good thief/assassin/ninja when you do that. Even through winning it's hard to not feel like kind of a loser. Mirror's Edge is probably actually worse than that example because it forces you to murder dozens of dudes regardless of how good you are at the game. No matter how free you feel when you're moving, no matter how good you are at traversing the environment around you, Faith is a horrible murderer and a mediocre escape artist. It's impossible to run away from that.

Sure, shooting could be better in Mirror's Edge, maybe it will be better in the next game, but I can't get the idea out of my mind that not only does the game not need shooting, having shooting at all is actively hurting it. It lowers my sympathy for Faith as a character story wise, it undermines the sense of freedom and catharsis of escaping narrative wise, and it's pretty boring mechanics wise. If we must see it return in the next game I sincerely hoped it's at least toned down or balanced with other far more interesting elements. 

As Gamasutra said in their review of the game; Mirror's Edge is a "shooter that makes you hate to shoot".

WWE Fast Lane 2015 Review

After the complete mess that was the Royal Rumble last month, WWE hope to get in the right gear on the Fast Lane to Wrestlemania. Will they be able to save themselves from another car crash or pull out a last minute momentum boost with a good show. Either way, wrestling fans will largely not care about the quality of the show and judge it entirely based on who wins between Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan! So here's an utterly pointless review of WWE Fast Lane!

Match 1 - Dolph Ziggler, Erick Rowan and Ryback Vs Seth Rollins, Big Show and Kane

Considering the fallout from Survivor Series it's pretty sad that this was the only spot on the card for these guys on this particular show. There's nothing wrong with temporarily ducking a spot while other feuds require the limelight, but a Pay-Per-View six man tag match? Ouch. Rollins is in feud limbo while creative flip flop on when to bring Randy Orton back, and Ziggler is in limbo because...he's Dolph Ziggler, it's all he knows.

The match itself is about as typical as these things get, Erick Rowan sells for the babyface team for most of the match. Then Ryback gets a hot tag, then Ziggler gets another hot tag, and after not that much of a comeback Big Show hits an illegal knockout punch from the outside behind the referee's back for the win. Post match the Authority beat up on all three guys some more until Randy Orton's music hits and he chases everyone off. 

Honestly, considering creative were putting off Orton's return for weeks this was fairly underwhelming for his return. Rollins Vs Orton should be one of the bigger matches on this year's Wrestlemania, after being gone for three months returning (and failing to actually make any kind of save for the other babyfaces) after an opening six man tag match is kind of weak. 

Match Highlight -Ziggler shouting at the ref "Rowan's hurt!" and a ringside fan shouting back "NO HE'S NOT IT'S FAKE"

Match 2 - Stardust Vs Goldust

In yet another wonderful case of the internet being wrong on literally everything related to wrestling, the match rumoured to take place at Wrestlemania for about 5 years finally happens on the February Pay-Per-View in 2015. This match reminds me of the John Cena Vs Bray Wyatt match from Wrestlemania last year, where the guys are trying their best to tell a story in the ring but the audience are struggling to get into it because the writer haven't done their job telling it to us. Although the live crowd did inject some intrigue into the match by chanting "Cody" at Stardust and giving him something to react to.

The match ends with an awkward roll up (with the referee not making a third count but calling for the bell for whatever reason) by Goldust because he doesn't really want to hurt his brother. Stardust sulks out of the ring and we move on. An awkward finish, confusing narrative and a mostly bored crowd really killed this one, which is a shame considering the talent of both guys.

Match Highlight - Err, lots of Stardust hissing?

Backstage Stardust attacks Goldust and cuts a promo on his dad about how Cody Rhodes is dead. Normally I would roll my eyes at this sort of thing but Cody has such a great track record with weird gimmicks I wouldn't worry about it.

Match 3 - WWE Tag Team Championship - The Usos(c) Vs Cesaro and Tyson Kidd

Tyson Kidd looks SO happy to be on a Pay-Per-View.

I really like this matchup, I approve of stagnant midcarders being thrown into logical tag teams and Cesaro and Kidd are a great mix of speed and strength. The Usos are one of the best tag teams in the world today but they've already wrestled everyone there is to wrestle and were in desperate need of new opponents to not become stale. 

As you'd expect it's an exciting match (not exciting enough for the commentators to actually react to it during high spots apparently but oh well) and after a lengthy breakdown Tyson Kidd hooks one of the Usos up in...uh...a super slam let's say and wraps him up for the win. The moment was made by the crowd really wanting to see Kidd and Cesaro take the belts. 

Match Highlight - Cesaro swinging one of the Usos (I don't know which one) by one leg and then sliding into a half boston crab. Also the crowd going back and forth between "This is Awesome" and "Tyson Kidd" chants. 

Triple H and Sting Meet Face to Face

It's kind of a weird wrestling thing that you roll your eyes at but it's pretty bizarre to see a pre-segment promo for two guys going out to the ring to talk to each other.

Triple H comes out to the ring in a leather jacket, branded T-Shirt and blue jeans, maybe the fact he's about to promote a Wrestlemania match with Sting made him forget it's not 2002. It's kind of weird to see Triple H make himself the heel by pushing the fact he helped push WCW out of business, when one of the big reasons the Invasion angle failed so many years ago is the company's complete refusal to do that. Trips does all of the talking here because Sting used up all his Dark Knight quotes in TNA. After promising Sting a chance to "extend his legacy" by walking away the offer is obviously refused and the fight is on.

Trips gets the upper hand by hitting Sting with the microphone and goes for the sledgehammer, but Sting catches him and holds Trips up by the throat with his bat for a great visual, then points it at the Wrestlemania sign. Sting goes to walk away but Triple H goes to ambush him again, gets caught in the midsection with a bat and another Scorpion Death Drop.

This segment was pretty much what it needed to be, although their efforts to make Sting as cool as possible so far are making Triple H look like a bit of a dweeb. They're going to have to do a pretty major beatdown of Sting at some point during the next five weeks.

Match 4 - WWE DIvas Championship - Paige Vs Nikki Bella(c)

It was always hard to watch WWE Divas matches, but the quality of NXT Diva's division has made it nigh on impossible. At least Paige is cool and er, Nikki is one of the *not so terrible* ones. Also, whatever happened to the thing about the Bellas hating each other and Brie being Nikki's slave? I don't blame creative for dropping it but I honestly don't remember it having any kind of conclusion. 

Well whatever, some stuff happens then Nikki pins Paige with an awful thigh pulling roll up. 

Match Highlight - The concession stand made $630.21 during this match.

A flashy Wrestlemania graphic confirms Triple H Vs Sting for Wrestlemania. The WWE production guys are amazing, how did they throw that together in 10 minutes!!!! (lol)

Match 5 - WWE Intercontinental Championship - Dean Ambrose Vs Wade Barrett(c)

On the pre-show they played a pretty impressive interview/promo package regarding Dean Ambrose and what the Intercontinental Championship means to him. The fact that package didn't make it onto the Pay-Per-View itself pretty much sums up how the company actually feels about the title.

Ambrose is crazy over, the production crew even switched to a wide shot of the arena during the match that's normally saved for Daniel Bryan level crowd reactions. After kicking out of Wasteland and avoiding the bull hammer elbow Ambrose comes back and Wade Barrett constantly tries to run away with his title. Ambrose beats on him so much trying to stop him leaving he gets disqualified. I like the fact that Wade tried to desperately get away from Dean but it's still a pretty weak finish to an otherwise fun match. 

Intercontinental title matches are really rare at Wrestlemania these days, but I don't know what else there is for either guy to do this year and they deserve the spot, so hopefully they save the rematch for then. 

Match Highlight - An incredibly dorky sounding fan at ringside shouting at Barrett "I got bad news Barrett...YOU SUCK ehehehehe". 

Out of nowhere the lights go dim and the druids come out, then the infamous gong hits and I cream myself a little. A casket is pushed down to ringside, it's opened and up sits...Bray Wyatt. Looks like the Undertaker was the target of Bray's cryptic promos and they actually are going for this match for Wrestlemania. I'm looking forward to it but it's going to be a difficult one to book with the streak gone. Bray cuts another promo directly on the Undertaker and about how he's a broken shell of what he used to be, and flat out confirms a Wrestlemania match. I guess we're just assuming Undertaker accepts the challenge. Oh well, this was a nice addition to the presentation considering the point of this show is to be a big hype bubble for Wrestlemania ready to pop.

Match 6 - WWE United States Championship - Rusev(c) Vs John Cena

As Stone Cold tweeted the crowd finally showed up for this match as Cena (as always) elevated the atmosphere towards a big match feel. I don't know if it's just because I'm wearing headphones or what but I heard about a dozen in-ring conversations during this match which was pretty distracting. Nonetheless that problem doesn't affect the live crowd and they got into it as Cena did a great job of making Rusev look like a formidable opponent.

After Rusev breaks out of Cena's submission holds and kicks out of an Attitude Adjustment, he catches Cena in the camel clutch. Cena almost breaks out of it but due to interference by Lana Rusev is able to hit a low blow and slaps it on again which Cena is unable to get out of and passes out. It was a good match (aside from the distracting extremely loud spot-calling) that made Rusev look fantastic. The question now will Rusev be able to last after he eventually takes his first loss, or will he fade away like all the "first year dominant" foreign heels that were fed to Cena before him.

The finish wasn't the best though, I think it would have told a better story if Cena had tried several things to break out of the submission hold all leading in failure then passing out. Still, Rusev won which was the right call.

Match Highlight - A dude chanting "You tapped out!" at Cena then realising he didn't and awkwardly fading out of it. Also Rusev breaking out of a crossface and tossing Cena off him in one swipe.

Match 7 - Winner Faces Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania - Roman Reigns Vs Daniel Bryan

It's been a while since we've had a major babyface vs babyface match in WWE, and although it's not a good idea to do them too often they can be exciting when they're built right (and this one was built pretty fight with both guys wanting to prove they're better than the other and deserve to go to Wrestlemania).

Reigns shuts down most of Bryan's offence in the opening minutes and it's mostly him until he takes a hard kick to the midsection which slows him down and Bryan gets more vicious. Both guys hit big offense and kick out of each others finishers and its desperation time for both of them. They knock each other out, it turns into a big brawl on the mat, then Bryan sets up for a second running knee but gets hit by a spear instead and Reigns is your winner. And the internet assumingly goes into a meltdown.

This isn't a great endorsement but this was easily Reigns best singles match, but it was a great match all in all. Both guys wrestled like they really wanted to win and it constantly felt like a clash between two forces. People are going to hate on it because of who won, but that shouldn't take away from what the match was.

Match Highlight - Bryan counters Reigns grabbing his throat by rolling into the Yes Lock.

CLOSING THOUGHTS 

A lukewarm crowd and a few too many non-finishes took away from it, but overall Fast Lane was a strong Pay-Per-View, at least in regards to what its purpose was. I've argued before that WWE shouldn't do a PPV in February because you're in an awkward position where you don't want people to take big loses on the road to the biggest show of the year, and it also messes with storylines (especially when you have to contrive a reason to have a huge six man cage match). The focus was on making Wrestlemania feel like a big deal, and between Sting, Cena putting over Rusev, Wyatt's promo and Reigns and Bryan beating the crap out of each other it certainly succeeded in that regard.

Ultimately, the show actually filled the three hour slot, had little to no filler, no heavy drag points where you're just sitting around waiting for the main event, and for the most part didn't blow...whether this show endeared itself to you or not that's pretty rare for WWE Pay-Per-Views in general. I doubt this show will go down in history or anything, and I certainly don't think we'll be revisiting it months later like last year's Elimination Chamber, but after the trainwreck of the Royal Rumble this gave the company some much needed forward momentum.

I'm going easy on it because it was essentially a three hour promo for a bigger show down the line that was given away for free, but WWE Fast Lane was enjoyable and succeeded at what it was supposed to do so hey...I'M not mad. 

But yea, Daniel Bryan lost so...boycott, anger, rage, etc. 

RATING - 6.5/10

DANIEL BRYAN FAN ADJUSTED RATING - GARBAGE/10

DanganRonpa 2 Review - More Bears and Sunny Despair

Danganronpa 2 is one of the most obnoxious videogames I've ever played. 

Knowing what to open a review on can be difficult sometimes but I'm hard pressed to come up with a better starting line than that. Sure, I could use this opening paragraph to fill you in that Danganronpa 2's premise is near identical to the first game's with the exception than the setting has moved the 16 high school students to a tropical island this time around, but instead we're going to bro this review up and dive headfirst into the mechanics because they have become a serious issue. 

The "action" segments of the trials from the first Danganronpa were the absolute worst part of that game, and in an attempt to improve these sections Spike Chunsoft have instead made everything about them worse. I went into this game with the action difficulty lowered because I didn't want to go through the same headaches again and these ridiculous minigames still distracted from the trial and took away from the story. Somebody on the development team, hopefully an unpaid intern, thought the best way to convey arguments and logic leaps during a murder trial was to put in Fruit Ninja and the special stages from Sonic the Hedgehog 2.

I wish I was joking.

A new minigame called "Rebuttal Showdown" kicks in when another character disagrees with a new claim your character makes during a trial. Here the opposing character's testimony will appear on the screen, then you either slide your finger across the Vita's touchscreen to slice through their statements, or alternatively if you don't want to fail it 18 times in a row first you just use the D-Pad instead. Succeed and you'll move on to the next phase where you'll actually have to contradict a statement with some evidence (the same way you would normally, revealing this as the hollow gimmick that it is). First off, this completely distracts from what's going on in the trial because you're encouraged to maniacally slice statements so fast you can barely read or process them. Secondly, what's the deal with this anyway? Isn't this game supposed to be gun themed? Stylistically what sense does it make to throw in something sword based?

Next up is "Logic Dive", where for some reason you slide through a rainbow tunnel on a snowboard, avoiding gaps and other obstacles, and whenever the game suddenly remembers it's a puzzle game you get a plot important question and follow the route with the correct answer. It's mostly monotonous and a waste of time, but still occasionally manages to take you by surprise with the precision required. 

Then there's the (Improved) Hangman's Gambit, which has been "improved" from the first game the same way a radiator has been "improved" after you set it on fire. Before you simply shot at floating letters to spell out the solution to a question. Now there's a complicated grid system where you have to shoot two matching letters into each other, then fire the combined letter with another button into the solution, getting all the letters in the right order AND you can't allow different letters to bump into each other or they'll explode and you take damage. If this sounds a little ridiculously overcomplicated it's because it is, and more often than not the words or phrases you have to spell out aren't short either.

(this mechanic is so bad that I actually felt inclined to research it, apparently in the Japanese version the phrases were much shorter due to alphabet differences so the player only had to spell out around 4-5 letters each time instead of 15. That's unfortunate, but it's still a rubbish mechanic and I personally suggest in Danganronpa 3 they improve it some more by removing it from the game entirely)

This was a big issue for me with the first game too but the sequel pushes these buttons even more; the trial segments are just not that great okay? They're perfectly fine when they're actually about testimonies and puzzle solving, Danganronpa 2 does also add an interesting feature where some testimonies will have statements you can use evidence to confirm instead of contradicting. However, instead of running with those kinds of ideas every single trial is dragged down with at least half a dozen tone-ruining, pace-shattering distracting minigames and honestly it starts to become a drag. 

Here's the thing though, it's not just that these minigames suck by themselves, it's not even the fact that they distract from the game's narrative in the worst way possible, it's the fact they give the game a completely unnecessary accessibility problem. As much as the developers seem to be embarrassed by this, Danganronpa IS a visual novel, an interactive murder mystery which is arguably the greatest genre of fiction there is and has near universal appeal. If these minigames are capable of slowing down and irritating someone who's been playing videogames most of their life on the lowest difficulty setting, then they're damn sure dealbreakers for people who haven't.

It's something I find endlessly frustrating, no-one seems to like these things, they have no reason to be there in the first place, they only hurt the game in the long run and their biggest achievement is the fact they make the game unplayable to a large group of people. That's a damn shame if you ask me!

It's also a shame because aside from the trials becoming more obnoxious and a whole bunch of extra needless gamification thrown in (you now have an XP bar and fill it up by interacting with objects and walking around...seriously) I think otherwise Danganronpa 2 is a step up from its predecessor! The murder scenarios especially are a lot more elaborate and clever, with cases being decided by less obvious details and one-note character motivations. I predicted the outcome correctly on all five cases in the first game, I wasn't sure about ANY of them in the sequel, and I can honestly say I never felt the game was being cheap in that regard. Danganronpa 2 does occasionally stumble into an over-obsession on details that hurt the non-Takumi directed Ace Attorney games, in several cases the hint you're given when called on to choose the real murderer is so seemingly insignificant it borders on ludicrous that the game seriously expects you to remember it. However, the cases have a lot of fun with their own hyperbole (especially the fourth one) and the scenarios are more interesting for it.  

This might split opinion, but to put it in the least spoilery way possible, I liked the ending to this game better than the first too. Trigger Happy Havoc's ending felt like little more than a bunch of poorly explained tropes and ended on a whimper for it, Danganronpa 2's ending is certainly not immune from tropes or poor explanations but it definitely ended on more of a bang and I think it's far more likely to stick with me. 

What's also interesting about Danganronpa 2 plotwise is the relationship to its predecessor, in that at times it almost feels like a remix of the first game than a direct sequel. It is a continuation of the overarching Danganronpa lore (which again in the least spoilery way possible, is REALLY silly) but the basic premise of high school students being stuck in a location with killing another and surviving their trial uncaught being the only means of escaping. But characters, plot beats and even murders almost feel like alternate world versions of those from the first game. This is without a doubt intentional since the game makes endless jokes and references at the expense of Trigger Happy Havoc, but it take away from the game's identity somewhat. Many people seem to end up preferring the first game despite Danganronpa 2's better scenarios and I think this is a big part of the reason why. I have no idea what the plans are for Danganronpa 3 but going through these same motions probably isn't going to work again.

I generally liked Danganronpa 2, and once again the core premise and scenarios were interesting enough to keep me playing through all the way to the end without feeling like a core, but I must confess I don't see what other people find so endearing about this series. The sharp subtext of an Ace Attorney title concerning justice, truth, the legal system, morality among other themes is swapped out for a bunch of anime dribble about "hope vs despair" and people being defined by their single talents. Stylistically it's all over the place and seems to have no idea what it wants to be; it uses iconography of guns, swords, retro games, stageplays, anime and manga while backed to techno music without marrying any of this into a distinct style. Although there's no gross case centred around transphobia this time around, the series continues to burst with misogyny and weird fan service. (There's one scene where the female characters are revealed one by one in their bikinis via panning shots while a handful of male characters comment on their breasts.) The interactions between the characters and unveiling of the murders is well handled, but it all happens to the backdrop of a very silly overarching plot. It didn't make sense in the first game because they didn't really explained it. It didn't make sense in the second game because they DID explain it.

What it all adds up to is a fun little visual novel that seems utterly ashamed of the fact that's it's a visual novel, and throws as many gimmicks and jingles as many keys in your face as it can. I do like it but I also struggle to love it. Danganronpa 2 might be incredibly obnoxious at times, but it's the kind of obnoxious that you start to miss once you've been separated from it for long enough. If you played the first game and you're willing to forgive it for that, then Danganronpa 2 is definitely for you. 

WWE Network Vault - Fatal Four Way 2010

WWE don't really know what to do with the June Pay-Per-View any more. After retiring The Great American Bash in 2008, possibly due to the "American" part shaking off some international buys or putting a last set of boots to the corpse of WCW, the Summer schedule has been flipped and flopped around. In 2009 it was "The Bash" but that didn't stick due to the name sounding more like a special night at the local dogging site than a wrestling show. Since then it's been "Payback" "Capitol Punishment" "No Way Out" and most notorious of all "Fatal Four Way".

Despite still (for some reason) being a regular viewer I didn't bother to watch Fatal Four Way at the time so I've never seen it before. 2010 sucked, the roster was thinner than the anti-vaccine arguments and problems in development meant the new guys coming up weren't of much interest either. I hated the gimmick Pay-Per-View schedule and the concept of a "Fatal Four Way" themed show was by far the worst offender. I wonder if "Six Man Tag" was ever in the run-in for a gimmick Pay-Per-View, hell these days you could rename Raw "Six Man Tag" so probably not the best plan.  

I think I have an inane interest in the art of wrestling that will never be fully destroyed, but 2010 is as close as I have ever come to packing the entire thing in. WWE was so stale and uneventful you could probably watch all the episodes from this year in a random order and not notice any difference, Bischoff and Hogan came into TNA and killed any interest I had in that promotion, and Ring or Honor looked hopeful but this is when they started having all their technical issues and no-one wanted to risk giving them money for their shows. 

WWE would outsuck themselves later on, but Fatal Four Way received 143,000 PPV buys which was the second lowest in the company's history at the time (only topped by the hilariously bad ECW December to Dismember in 2006). 

SO HERE WE GO, let's watch one of the most forgotten Pay-Per-Views of all time from one of the worst years of wrestling in recent memory!

*the show begins*

Good news: This show is barely 2 and a half hours long! 

Bad news: The opening package is one of the worst I've ever seen. It's always a warning sign on a Pay-Per-View when the package isn't focused on any specific feud and instead splits attention across the entire card in a last minute attempt to communicate "NO REALLY, this'll be good we swear!!" Also dribbles on about how everyone in a Fatal Four Way match has a "25% chance of winning!" implying the multiple championship matches tonight are basically electronic poker machines and not legitimate contests of any kind. The package also claims that "25% is the lowest odds a champion could possibly face of retaining" seemingly forgetting that other gimmick PPV that they had earlier in the year called ELIMINATION CHAMBER.

Just to further note how padded this show is going to be, it starts with a Vince announcement about how RAW GENERAL MANAGER BRET HART (I completely forgot about that!) won't be appearing on this show due to being murdered in the back of a limo by the Nexus (and that). In what won't be the last time, the crowd chants "Daniel Bryan" at Vince who had been temporarily let go at the time due to choking Justin Roberts with his own tie during the initial Nexus attack which upset the advertisers. At the time it was completely unthinkable that a mere four years later Daniel Bryan would be being all of Evolution by himself to become the WWE Champion.

Speaking of things I'd entirely forgotten about, Drew McIntyre shows up and shakes Vince's hand because he was the "chosen one" at the time. Knowing what would become of him later it's weird to see Drew beasting on people, getting segments with Vince and Smackdown General Manager Teddy Long and getting mic time. Someone backstage clearly thought he was going to be something.

Match 1 - INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP - Drew McIntyre Vs Kofi Kingston

My Kofi Kingston timelines are off so I don't know which one of his 7 billion meaningless Intercontinental title reigns this was, when he won it how or why. I assume it from McIntyre, but on that front I don't know Theodore Long (who again is the General Manager of Smackdown) is being forced to sit at ringside and watch Drew's match while getting abused by him. The funny thing about this era of WWE is I know I watched this crap at the time, I know the answers to all these queries are in there somewhere but my brain has refused to retain or process any of it. 

It's a recent opening match, Drew's dull as dishwasher but that only serves to make Kofi's offence come off as more exciting. It's hard to judge now because Kofi's been doing the same thing in the same spot for so long all his matches bleed together, but he was probably genuinely exciting to watch back in 2010. Highlight of the match is probably Matt Striker (on commentary, another thing I forgot about was Cole and Lawler being forced to work with him on Pay-Per-Views and hating it) spouting some of his "facts" about the Intercontinental Championship followed by an awkward silence as Vince is probably yelling in his ear to STFU.

McIntyre hits his finishing DDT on Kofi but doesn't get the pinfall due to him accidentally knocking the referee out before. McIntyre then rips off the referee's shirt (HAWT) and makes Teddy Long wear it, apparently because all the authority of a referee is embodied within the shirt. It works like dress spheres from Final Fantasy X-2 I guess. Teddy goes to count Kingston down but refuses to hit 3, so I suppose Kofi sucks so much he can't kick out of a DDT even with 2 minutes to recover. McIntyre gets in Teddy's face and goes for another DDT, but Matt Hardy runs in and hits a Twist of Fate to an "impressive for 2010" pop and Kofi gets the win. 

Backstage The Hart Dynasty are interviewed about their uncle Bret getting murdered in the back of a limo. You'd think the WWE would have been able to take the association with Bret and make something of this team but that would have been a lot of work.

Match 2 - DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP - Maryse Vs Gail Kim Vs Alicia Fox Vs Eve

JESUS CHRIST, thanks god Gail Kim's in this or I would have committed seppeku by the time the entrances were over. When you've got a brand new Pay-Per-View based around Fatal Four Way matches best to lead with your strong foot forward and get the Divas in there ASAP.

Gail Kim gets thrown out of the ring early on, and watching the others try to wrestle without her is like watching a breakdancing lesson on a frozen lake. Alicia Fox wins the Divas Champion after Eve hits a moonsault on Maryse and gets thrown out of the ring.

Highlight of the match: more Daniel Bryan chants. 

Backstage Big Show and Rey Mysterio talk about their upcoming Fatal Four Way match and WOAH, Big Show holds his clenched fist out and it's nearly as big as Rey's head!

Match 3 - Chris Jericho Vs Evan Bourne

YES, something to breathe some life into this show. Jericho was floundering a little bit with WWE panicking and moving almost ALL of the big stars onto Raw in the draft, which led to an angle of Jericho "losing his flare" as he struggled to win matches, I don't remember much coming out of it though other than him getting eliminated from a WWE Championship Six Pack Challenge match almost instantly. At the time I thought they were leading to him turning face, but it seems they were just winding him down before he left in September. Jericho gets on the microphone and claims he's the only reason people still watch the show, which gets a huge pop because it was pretty much true. 

This is a weird match to watch now, Evan Bourne was starting to get a little thunder behind him at the time but due to various circumstances nothing came of it (a running theme of WWE 2010). Still this crowd is mostly behind Jericho with the occasional wave of support for Bourne. It's also the best match on the show (unless there's a hidden sleeper later on) due Jericho and Bourne being a decent match for each other and Jericho busting out some moves he hadn't done in years. 

If I remember correctly this match hadn't actually been pre-announced for the show. WWE had a horrible habit in 2010 of not announcing other half their Pay-Per-View cards until the weekend of show (or sometimes just not announce them at all). Maybe this was due to last minute plans changing, I think it was probably due to the roster being so thin there was nothing else worth announcing. Still, you can't seriously expect people to pay £15/$45 for a Pay-Per-View with only 2 or 3 gimmicky matches announced, this attitude combined with these crap new show concepts killed what was left of the buyrates. 

Bourne misses a shooting star press but LANDS ON HIS FEET, then Jericho hits a Codebreaker but fails to get the 3 off it which leads to Jericho getting mad. Bourne hits a guillotine DDT and gets Jericho on the mat again, they then tease the Shooting Star Press twice more and Bourne finally hits it and pins Jericho clean off it. People went nuts for this at the time, maybe in an ideal world we would be looking back on it as a huge moment in an upcoming stars career (like Miz Vs Bryan at Night of Champions) but instead it's just a decent match on a forgotten show. It's worth watching but it's not the classic some people make it out to be.

After the match they air a promo for the "Greatest Pay-Per-View Matches 2009-2010" DVD. I haven't seen it but it must have just included the Michaels Vs Taker Wrestlemania matches and a montage of entrances.

Match 4 - WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP - Big Show Vs Rey Mysterio Vs Jack Swagger Vs CM Punk

You know this match is based on an intense emotional rivalry that the audience is invested in when the pre-match promo is 100% dedicated to Kane trying to find out who attacked the Undertaker and he's not even in it. It's one of those things that murder your suspension of disbelief if you think about it whatsoever, it's just completely illogical that anyone would commission or go along with such a thing. You may as well have announce the fact there's going to be interference in the match.

Lots of things to note here, first CM Punk is masked to hide his shaven head after losing a hair vs mask match against Mysterio the month before. He also still has the Straight-Edge Society with him, the absolute best thing in the company at the time that was broken up and killed less than a year after creation for no reason. Big Show was face, and this face run actually stuck for a little while this time. Lastly and most hilariously at all, Jack Swagger is the World Heavyweight Champion. It really is an embarrassing sight to see him with that classic belt design, he looks so out of place and he almost drops the title when holding it up to the other guys.

I stand by this to this day, the second Jack Swagger cashed in Money in the Back and won that championship for god knows what reason the title NEVER recovered. They took it from Edge and Jericho and gave their feud no conclusion, and the second Swagger was walking around with it all credibility was sucked from it and they never managed to get it back. This was another frustrating trope of the time, WWE were desperate for new stars and their solution was to just put championships on them and hope for the best. Titles don't make guys, you don't become credible feuding with main event guys just because you're walking about with a belt on your shoulder and the Money in the Bank briefcase can jump off all the metaphorical cliffs it can as far as making new stars is concerned. 

After a decent but underwhelming (mostly due to complete lack of heat between the guys in the match) match Kane's music hits and attacks CM Punk. Luke Gallows saves him but they run out of the arena together. Then after that Rey just wins. Had nothing to do with Kane at all really, Rey hits the 619 on Jack Swagger and he wins. There you go. Not counting the time Rey won a WWE Championship tournament and lost it later the same night this would be his last major title reign.

The lack of any real angle to it made this match hard to care about, but THANK GOD they used it to get the title off Swagger.

WWE Champion John Cena is interviewed about his upcoming Fatal Four Way match, and claims if the Nexus interferes in the match all four participants will stand united against them.

Match 5 - UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP - The Miz Vs R-Truth

The Miz comes out with a microphone and raps about himself to Truth's music. Look, I don't hate The Miz, I think when he's used as a douchey midcard guy (like he is right now) he can be fantastic, but who seriously thought this guy could main event Wrestlemania? The announcers make fun of Miz for not improvising his rap even though Truth has done the exact same rap coming to the ring for years. 

The crowd seems to be into Miz before the bell rings but that excitement dies pretty soon after the match gets started. Neither of these guys are exactly Ricky Steamboat, but they're decent workers yet this match is MISERABLY awful. I don't know if these guys knew they were filler and didn't care, or things just didn't click on his night or if Miz was really just this bad in 2010. 

I know this show is seriously under time and this match especially feels overstretched for what it is. Miz works on Truth's ribs for what feels like forever in various submission holds, Truth's comeback gets zero reaction and the crowd begins to boo when the guys kick out of big moves. As Jim Cornette would say, this match was so bad it started to hurt the fans' feelings. 

Miz FINALLY wins from some kind of victory roll and the crowd breathes a collective sigh of relief. The fact Miz was the one who got to main event Wrestlemania says a lot how the success of all the other "new star" projects WWE had going on at the time.

Edge is interviewed about the Fatal Four Way match coming up and...oh I miss him.

Match 6 - The Hart Dynasty Vs The Usos and Tamina

Woah, The Usos early career was so uneventful I didn't even realise they were signed in 2010 let alone on the active roster. Apparently this was their second match on television (Michael Cole claims they got an IMPRESSIVE WIN over the legendary tag team of Goldust and Mark Henry) and man they do not look like stars yet. 

None of the charisma or energy that would define the Usos as the best tag team in the company years later is present as Jimmy and Jey are placed in a generic "we're better than you" heel mode. It's a decent match but the tag team division in WWE was ABSOLUTELY dead at the time (yet another reason 2010 sucked) and the transition of main event guys holding the belts in 2009 back to "real" tag teams didn't go smoothly. 

It's an okay tag match but both teams are about as over as crotch rot and the crowd couldn't care less (yet another theme of 2010). After another "too long for its own good" contest filled with more Daniel Bryan chants things break down and leave Natalya and Tamina in the ring. Natalya avoids a splash off the top before it even happens and Tamina decides her ribs and the canvas would probably get along and does it anyway. Natalya gets the win for her team.

Match 7 - WWE CHAMPIONSHIP - Edge Vs John Cena Vs Randy Orton Vs Sheamus

The pre-match promo video for this one is a thousand times better the World Heavyweight Championship one because it paints Cena's challenger as hungry and dangerous challengers who WANT THE TITLE. They didn't just edit together a package of Goldust stalking the Divas or something. Although I will point out I am enough of a jerk to notice the production team did just staple a bunch of generic already made promos together for this one. Well everything else about 2010 Pay-Per-Views is half-assed so may as well complete the set.

We've already talked about Swagger, now let's get to the OTHER ONE. WWE thought they could get Sheamus over as a heel by shocking people by having him go over on Cena in a title match (Cena jumped through a table and that counted as a win because it was a table match). Needless to say, having Sheamus running around as champion while refusing to actually let him go over on any of the established stars didn't do much for his credibility. Probably one of the reasons they hit the panic button on Swagger and got the title off him is they knew Sheamus was going over and didn't want to have TWO loser risky champions on top. 

18 year old grumpy me was screaming left and right on the internet to anyone who would listen that what they were doing with these new guys was garbage and would never work and was hurting the product. Now 22 year old me gets the look back on it and smirk about how right I was. They've tried to smash Sheamus over as a heel AND a face champion and both failed, Del Rio is fired, McIntyre is gone, Swagger is low midcard, Wade Barrett is finally moving up but had be repackaged to do so, Miz is back to the middle as well and the World title never did recover and is now also gone. So good work 18 year old me! You probably need to get smacked around a few times but you're a good kid at heart.

Anyway, the match starts with Orton and Cena throwing Edge and Sheamus out to the floor, then Orton and Cena (both faces at the time) stand there and look at each other while playing to the crowd. The announcers try to put over what a huge deal this is and Michael Cole even busts out the GOOSEBUMPS line. The crowd really doesn't care that much, WWE have been trying for years to put over Cena Vs Orton like its Austin Vs Rock or Michaels Vs Bret and it's just never stuck. 

Matt Striker refers to Edge's spear as the most impactful move in the WWE for the laugh-out-loud moments of the ring.

The match itself is what you expect from WWE multiple man match, bland one-man-out one-man-in stuff which allows everyone a chance to do their trademark spots, and occasionally you get a spot with 3 or 4 dudes but it's mostly just a rotating one-on-one match. For seemingly no reason whatsoever they keep cutting away to some jobbers watching the match, essentially advertising the fact they're going to get attacked by the Nexus sooner or later...and then do. The Nexus come out, the announcers bail, they attack some random dudes and stuff explodes for no reason just to make it look as fake as possible. Sheamus pins Cena in the chaos and the attack continues just to make this title win as forgettable as possible.

The Nexus destroy Cena, and the whole thing plays off as a lighter, even faker looking rehash of their initial debut on Raw. The angle had a lot of potential but the writers didn't know what to do with it other than having them beat up Cena every now and then while simultaneously doing nothing to get the guys over as individuals. So eventually they had no choice but to have Cena get together a team to beat them. 

The show fades to black over more "Daniel Bryan" chants, symbolic of one of the few things that would save us from this god awful product.

FINAL THOUGHTS

In terms of match quality it puts the last show I watched (Survivor Series 1999) to shame, but still there's very little meat to this show. I'm actually relieved this is one of the worst performing Pay-Per-Views in history because it serves as evidence for the argument that Fatal Four Way main events are balls. They can be good exhibition matches if promoted right! But calling a show "Fatal Four Way" and doing three of them for no other reason than you're obligated to isn't promoting it right!

The entire show feels dry as a result of this; not only do both main event matches feel like soulless slot fillers being put on for the sake of it, the finish-deciding interference in both of them was essentially pre-announced making the actual matches themselves feel like obligations going through the motions. Say what you want, but when one of the most forgotten Pay-Per-View events in history has TWO World title changes on it you know something hasn't quite clicked.

2010 Pay-Per-Views in general felt extremely padded, almost all of them were 2 match shows with the undercard thrown in usually on the day of the event and announced on WWE.com just to fill time, and I think Fatal Four Way is one of the worst offenders of that. It's barely 2 and a half hours long, it takes 10 minutes before even the first match gets started. Then there's lengthy win celebrations, four entrances for both main events, long promos and all sorts of non-important interviews scattered throughout it. Not to mention some matches still go on too long for what they are. The entire presentation really starts to drag, so at least it feels like a 3 hour show even though it's not even close.

Jericho Vs Bourne is a good match but good is all I can vouch for to be honest, I think if that match had taken place at any time outside of a filler match on a filler show in WWE 2010 it wouldn't be remembered at all. It is a good match though and one that only happened a couple of times so it's well worth watching...on Youtube though, don't bother watching the entire show for it for god's sake. 

I'm not that angry at this show, mostly due to it being too uninteresting to really warrant any kind of emotions. But it's forgotten for very good reasons...that eh...well nothing worth remembering happened on it...duh. If it wasn't for the Nexus angle it would particularly feel like a non-canon televised house show.

So yea, not a show worth diving into the vault for...

WWE Fatal Four Way 2010 gets 2 GRADUATION KANES OUT OF 5

Regarding Molyneux and Godus

I've touched on this issue a couple of times on Twitter, and seen a lot of other people's responses/reaction to certain musings on the topic, and there's a whole bunch of stuff about it that really bothers me. What you're about to read is written under zero pretence of "journalism", this is stone-cold rock-hard personal opinion about someone I don't like and how I see the world. With that said; PETER MOLYNEUX, and more specifically the Godus scandal. Not everyone would consider it a "scandal" but I'm willing to coin it that. 

If you have no idea what I'm on about Rock, Paper, Shotgun have a great writeup about the situation HERE.

Let's just go ahead and jump to the bottom of that post and address this little snippet taken from an interview with Molyneux:

“There’s this overwhelming urge to over-promise because it’s such a harsh rule: if you’re one penny short of your target then you don’t get it. And of course in this instance, the behaviour is incredibly destructive, which is ‘Christ, we’ve only got 10 days to go and we’ve got to make £100,000, for fuck’s sake, lets just say anything’. So I’m not sure I would do that again.”

What we have here is paper thin justification for intentionally lying to people to take their money. I can't speak for everyone reading this and certainly not on behalf of people who have used crowdfunding for projects before, but I cannot relate to the idea of deliberately embellishing a project to take people's money. When the Kickstarter was launched there was no video, and not that much of anything outside of some concept stuff and the name "Peter Molyneux" attached, if that wasn't enough to convince people to fund the project maybe you should have just accepted that? Change up your presentation and try again later, or perhaps downsize the project if it's too big in scale to get honestly funded, or seek other forms of funding since y'know; YOU'RE PETER MOLYNEUX.

I don't have any respect for intentionally embellishing a project to take people's money. I don't have any respect for taking money off students, however small, in promise of services you will never provide. And most importantly, I have no respect for anyone who may admire this kind of behaviour and consider it symptoms of "passion".

I think the part of this that's the most disgusting is not even the fact that Molyneux essentially admits to embellishing his project to get funding, but the fact he blames Kickstarter for it. This isn't some inherent flaw in his character that makes him accountable for his own actions, no no no, it's the Kickstarter that did it! Doesn't matter that there's thousands of great projects that have been successfully funded, professionally handled and satisfied backers, Kickstarter is brain poison that triggers the devil inside anyone who opts to use it! Rather than take responsibility for what he's done Molyneux opts to take a dump on the concept of crowdfunding itself, a wonderful and extremely useful option for upcoming artists and unique projects, rather than let his already tattered public persona take a hit. Now thanks to hack funded projects like Godus Kickstarter and crowdfunding has a publicity black mark on it which could take years to fully shake off, thanks Pete!

Let's talk about Peter Molyneux's public persona for a little bit; the "overambitious" artist and auteur who loves videogames so huggy buggy much and just lets his passion overtake him sometimes. Let's pretend this is 100% the truth for now, why is this something everyone admires SO MUCH? I hear all the time wherever Molyneux is criticised or accused of being a snake oil salesman about how "nice" he is and how he's just "delusional". First off, what the hell does "nice" even mean? Nice isn't a personality trait, it's a state of mind literally any human being on the planet is capable of being or not being at any given time. And as far as "delusional" goes, well if that's true then that means the man is perfectly happy to churn a lot of money into impossible ideas because he has no grip on reality, endangering studios and their employees while simultaneously marketing the game to the public on a false premise. Even if this all stems from a genuine place of error, not a solitary word of what I just said is admirable!

Personally, and this is absolutely merely a personal opinion, the Godus thing has placed me firmly on the side who thinks Molyneux isn't entirely genuine. I'm not necessarily saying he isn't a pleasant guy who would be fun to talk about games with, nor that he doesn't genuinely love and want to make videogames, but his public persona is a work of marketing. It's actively mocked and become essentially self-referential now, it's pushed out there as a safety net to convey the message "Hey! I'm an overambitious artist! If my next game is disappointing then at least it'll be interesting! And if it's complete trash well oops, that's just my glorious VISION getting out of hand again!" We should tickle on for a few more paragraphs about questionable things Molyneux has said and done in the past as well as times where he's contradicted himself before and after projects, but it'd be superfluous. To me, the fact the man is perfectly willing to bury crowdfunding and an entire generation of creators to preserve his own image reveals something very dark and insincere about him.

I'm not a huge fan of anything Molyneux has made anyway, but I will never support any of his work again.

WWE Network Vault: Survivor Series 1999

The WWE Network is fantastic for filling in the gaps of your wrestling timeline, but in the heyday of the Attitude Era the product switched courses and was so convoluted even watching all of the Pay-Per-Views back to back it feels like you're reading the first and last page of a novel. Having said that, it can be pretty fun to dive into shows at random and just let the er...*stuff* that's happening wash over you.

So I'm going to watch Survivor Series 1999, I've never seen any of it before but I know two things about this show: 

     1) This is the show were Steve Austin got run over by a car.
     2) Other than that no-one ever talks about this show.

That's not a great sign! Of all the "good" years of the WWF days 1999 is pretty notorious for having Pay-Per-Views that don't hold up under scrutiny, largely due to Vince "wins and losses mean nothing" Russo being top dog on the writing team. Sure, there's great matches here and there, such as the I Quit Match between The Rock and Mankind from the Royal Rumble. However the actual Rumble match itself on that show is a hilariously unwatchable collection of nonsense including Vince McMahon winning it and Kane getting chased out of the ring by orderlies. And you guys thought this year's Rumble was bad!

The WWF roster in 1999 was bursting with wrestling talent, but during this era wrestling was anything but the focus and so a lot of that doesn't shine through or hold up on revisiting it today with retrospective eyes.

Oh well, Survivor Series was a solid month after Russo suddenly quit WWF, let's see if the other Vince was able to hold things together!

*ACTUALLY STARTING THE PAY-PER-VIEW NOW*

I'm not sure what the timeline was for the WWF finding out that Steve Austin was injured and had to be written off television, but they damn sure knew before this show happened and it's pretty amazing that they announced Steve Austin Vs The Rock Vs Triple H for the WWF Championship and it not actually happening. Even if you didn't know about the car angle the WWE Network spoils it by listing the main event as "Triple H Vs The Rock Vs Big Show".

Match 1 - Survivor Series Elimination Match - The Godfather, D-Lo Brown and the Headbangers Vs The Dudley Boyz and the Acolytes 

I can't stress enough how sad it makes me to hear JR say "those are some restaurant quality hoes", what does that even mean? All of Godfather's team comes out dressed pimps. Also weird to see the Dudleys (who I guess must have just debuted) get zero reaction, and Bubba's doing his speech impediment thing. Five minutes into this PPV we've had four guys dressed as pimps, a "hoe" chant, a guy pretending to have a speech impediment and the other guy mocking him for his fake speech impediment. THE GREATEST ERA IN WRESTLING HISTORY.

 The Headbangers get eliminated fairly fast, the crowd is completely dead until D-Lo gets in and gets a small chant. For *some reason* Bradshaw hits both D-Lo and Bubba with a chair and gets DQed, then D-Von Dudley and Faarooq start fighting each other and eliminate each other. Even though this match seemingly has no story to it and now Bubba is left in a 2 on 1 situation, it just sort of...keeps going for a few minutes until D-Lo wins off a frog splash.

It's hard to judge this sort of thing 15 years later, maybe all these guys were super over and this just isn't a great crowd, but the entire thing felt cold and was a pretty weak opener.

Match 2 - Kurt Angle Vs Shawn Stasiak 

Kurt Angle debuted on this PPV?!

Shawn Stasiak was in the WWF in 1999?!

Shawn Stasiak was Kurt Angle's first opponent?!

Stasiak and Angle actually do some wrestling moves, prompting JR to say "this is a different style of action than we're used to in the WWF!" yea you can say that again. The crowd is bored to tears by this, so Angle runs outside the ring and tells the crowd on the mic not to boo him. It worked out for him but looking back it really is a reflection on the era that someone was able to get over as a heel by actually wanting to have wrestling matches.  

This crowd doesn't really care either way though, and the match is vanilla dull. Angle wins with what would be later termed the "Olympic Slam" which is a lot catchier than JRs off the cuff "modified slam". 

Match 3 - Survivor Series Elimination Match - Val Venis, Mark Henry, Steve Blackman and Gangrel Vs The British Bulldog and The Mean Street Posse 

During the entrances the announcers talk about how Team Venis "really loves the ladies". You've got a pornstar, a guy called "Sexual Chocolate", a vampire who would later on become a real pornstar and Steve "Steve Blackman" Blackman. 

Watching Road Dogg having to pretend to be outwrestled by Chyna at the King of the Ring 1999 was pretty rough, but it's got nothing on watching Pete Gas beating up Val Venis. The Mean Street Posse was the absolute worst, I have no idea what the deal was with these guys being in the WWF in the first place, I think they were genuine real life friends with Shane McMahon or something? 

What's the deal with these Survivor Series matches so far anyway? Were they booked earlier the same day or something? The announcers don't discuss any storyline or relationships whatsoever during these, I have no idea why the Posse are with Bulldog, or why this is a match at all, or what the suspicious damp stain on Bulldog's arse is. 

Bulldog fights back from a 4 on 1 situation to nearly take the thing, and the crowd once again couldn't give two spoonfuls of shit about anything that's happening. 

Match 4 - Mae Young , Fabulous Moolah, Tori and Debra Vs Jacqueline, Luna, Terri and Ivory

Now Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler claims he doesn't know what Tori sees in "the big red retard" Kane, then the production crew cuts to a shot of his eyes bursting out of his skull as Debra comes out to the ring. Seriously, Debra's boobs have got the pop of the night so far, people talk about how great and popular wrestling was during the Attitude Era, but its got the same dudebro appeal of Megan Fox washing a Dodge Challenger with a Gears of War manual. At least nowadays you occasionally see some women in the crowd.

I spent too much time writing that joke to watch the match and I don't know who won.

Match 5 - X-Pac Vs Kane

The crowd actually reacts for both guys so before it even starts it's already the best match of the night so far. 

It's a decent match...and as this is the Attitude Era that means it doesn't last long, Triple H runs in and hits Kane with the WWF title as he was going for the Tombstone Piledriver. Kind of bizarre to watch the champion do a run-in during a midcard match an hour before he's going to appear in the main event. 

X-Pac accidentally (?) hits Kane's girlfriend Tori with a spinkick, and I'm SURE when Tori turned heel on Kane and joined X-Pac soon after this it totally made sense. 

Triple H is having a busy night as immediately after this he interrupts The Rock 2 seconds into a backstage interview and there's a scuffle broken up by the referees.

Match 6 - Survivor Series Elimination Match - Mideon, Prince Albert, Big Boss Man and Viscera Vs Big Show

Well at least I know what the basic story behind this match is. Big Boss Man and Big Show feuding over Show's dead father is one of the silliest and most endearing hilariously awful angles in WWF history. Seriously, go look up Boss Man interrupting the funeral if you've never seen it before. 

Show was given some jobber partners but they were taken out during Sunday Night Heat (remember that lol) and he goes it alone. Show immediately destroys Mideon, Albert and Viscera and then Boss Man runs away and gets counted out. I do remember the announcers used to talk up how Big Show was the only guy to eliminate and entire Survivor Series team by himself, and it's a complete non-match that's over in under two minutes.

Austin is about to be interviewed and Triple H comes and attacks him, then the infamous hit n' run occurs. The car isn't going that fast but Austin takes a real bump off it which was probably really risky with neck surgery on the horizon. I'll be a massive jerk and point out it makes no sense that Austin was still in jeans and a t-shirt despite the fact he was supposed to be wrestling about 45 minutes after this. 

Also this might be a completely unfair thing to bring up, but this was only a few months after...Owen. They even do the same shot of holding on the announce team for the "news". Ahhhhhh...I'm going to leave this alone. At least you get a funny shot of JR running from the ramp back to the announce team before Jericho's pyro goes off.

Match 7 - Intercontinental Championship - Chris Jericho Vs Chyna

I think it's really cool that there was a female Intercontinental Champion briefly, I just wish it had been...someone who wasn't Chyna. Ahhh she wasn't that bad, her offence looks Ironwood stiff compared to say, Trish Stratus, but most of her matches versus men aren't great to watch because it's obvious the guys are terrified to hurt her. The match itself is an awkward collection of a crowd and announce table reeling from the Austin angle before, Jericho trying to get heat by doing violent spots on the outside of the ring and also beating up "Miss Kitty" (later the Kat) who doesn't even sell it. Also the crowd turns on Chyna and starts actively cheering for Jericho to smack her around. 

As the match seemingly goes on forever (has to be the longest so far), Jericho hits Chyna with the Intercontinental title belt and she kicks out (which is BULLSHIT), Chyna then hits the Pedigree which Jericho kicks out of, then Chyna manages to get to the rope in the Walls of Jericho (which is DOUBLE bullshit). After a low blow from Miss Kitty, Chyna hits the worst ever Pedigree from the top rope for the win, which I would insist on calling the Pepsi Plunge if I was a dickhead but I won't therefore I'm not.

Highlight of the match; there's seven dudes in the crowd holding up a letter each of a "Jericho" sign and the guy with the "E" has it the wrong way up. 

Backstage Triple H walks into the McMahon locker room (?) to ask about the main event. It's weird to see Vince and Shane freaking out because something happened to Steve Austin.

Match 8 - Survivor Series Elimination Match - Too Cool and The Hollys Vs Edge & Christian and The Hardy Boyz

These Survivor Series matches are the WORST, why are The Hardys, Edge and Christian on the same team? Were they forced to unite against the insurmountable alliance of Too Cool, Hardcore and Crash Holly who threatened the WWFs very existence? WAIT, why are Too Cool and the Hollys on the same team?! JR is still reeling from the Austin hit n' run, and I'm reeling from the fact I'm internally still laughing at that time Grand Master Sexay showed up on Raw in 2011 to promote the Lawler Vs Cole Wrestlemania match and no-one knew who he was. 

The way the announcers are talking about this match it feels like this match was just an excuse to get all these guys on the show. You know there's no tension or intrigue in a match when there's three future world champions on one team and I'm checking my PlayStation Plus games have finished downloading yet. Some team confusion leads to Matt Hardy and Edge getting each other eliminated. I can't get over the zero reaction eliminations get in these matches, it almost like the audience having no investment in who wins and loses hurts the product Vinny-Ru. (Just kidding I know you didn't write on this show, but this is what your wrestling philosophy causes). 

As Grand Master does his goofy laugh on the apron over and over again, JR asks Lawler whether he laughed like that as a baby. Lawler responds with "how should I know?!" Obviously this is a continuation of the running joke of Lawler not acknowledging on television Sexay as his real life son, but I get the feeling he genuinely doesn't know. 

Anyway, Hardcore Holly wins and is the sole survivor because reasons. I don't know if this match was to set up storylines for later, or who was supposed to get over, or whether it was supposed to be entertaining exhibition match in itself...either way it was completely cold and a supreme waste of the talent involved. 

Match 9 - WWF Tag Team Championship - The New Tag Outlaws Vs Mankind and Al Snow

I've joked on Twitter about how the modern day announcers say "Billy Gunn hasn't aged a day!" when it looks like he's aged 60 years. Watching this show from 1999...I think he must have been born looking 45. 

This is when Mick Foley's health was starting to catch up with him and he was being winded down with larger focus on comedy, the match itself is a little slow and nothing special. New Age Outlaws retain their tag titles after a spike piledriver on Foley, who can't seem to stop himself taking dangerous moves in the ring.

The announcers are still distracted by the Austin hit n' run, when they actually talk about the match it's mostly to plug Foley's book and the fact Al Snow's Head merchandise was pulled by Walmart.

Match 10 - WWF Championship - Triple H Vs The Rock Vs Big Show

Nice to know even when it's a half asleep garbage crowd like this '99 era Rocky still brings everyone to their feet. The show segues directly from the announcers arguing about Austin to The Rock's entrance, I understand why this match doesn't have a promo package or anything but that's something to note about this entire PPV, it bounces from match to match with little connection or hype. Other than recapping Boss Man making fun of Big Show's dead dad I don't think they replayed or showed packages of anything else. No wonder they gave that match the WWF Championship for the next Pay-Per-View, apparently it was the only storyline in the entire company at this time.

The match itself isn't bad or anything, but Big Show being a late substitute means the match has no storyline sauce to it, thus it feels like a WWF main event on autopilot. They throw each other around in the ring for a bit, then People's Elbow, then they fight by the stage and in the crowd for a few minutes, then there's an announce table spot, then a ref bump...yadda yadda, everything you've seen a thousand times before but with less context. Anyway someone realised this PPV is seriously behind on its run-in quota, and we can't have that in 1999! All of DX run in to little consequence, then Vince McMahon comes out and hits Triple H with the belt and counts the pinfall for the Big Show.

I guess to make up for the fact they advertised a huge match that would never happen they did a title change to appease the crowd. This particular crowd though was firmly behind The Rock and the reaction was lukewarm. Big Show's title reign wouldn't last long or really mean anything long term, but this whole show stinks of a company with zero creative direction so it's an appropriate end. 

WRAP UP THOUGHTS

The last Attitude Era Pay-Per-View I watched before this one was King of the Ring 1999, an overbooked mess of short matches and convoluted finishes, this was a weird contrast to that. Instead of overcomplicated and silly intertwining storylines you got a show that felt so cold and inconsequential it felt like the card was randomly generated by the Create-a-PPV mode in WWF Smackdown! 2. You can tell from watching this show the Austin injury and sudden shake ups in creative were hurting the company. 

I hate how wasted the Survivor Series concept is in modern WWF, I understand times have changed and you can't recreate that "Hogan Vs Andre" moment, but you sure can do a "Ziggler Vs Rollins" moment! A lot of Survivor Series matches in modern times feel like creative is just filling slots, because it's "Survivor Series" so we have to do big tag matches, rather than using it as an opportunity to have epic confrontations or build storylines or get a shine on fresh talent by letting them hang with the big boys. At least in more recent WWE Survivor Series they put some big names in the match and sort of have a storyline between the two captains, they don't do what this show did and pair up random teams against other random teams for no reason.

That's Survivor Series 1999, there's a reason no-one talks about this show outside of the Austin hit n' run; it's because there's nothing else to talk about. Even Kurt Angle's first match, Chris Jericho beating up two women and Big Show's first WWF title win fail to make an impression in front of a crowd this dead and a cold that feels this cold and heartless. It's BORING, not the worst show from 1999 by any means but probably one of the hardest to sit through.

Survivor Series 1999 gets 1 AND A HALF PUPPIES OUT OF 5