Monday, 23 June 2014

Rockstar: Creators of the Best Videogame Ever (Just Not Yet)




















Ever since I watched Charlie Brooker's Channel 4 documentary How Videogames Changed The World I've had one line stuck in my head. As part of the show Brooker described pick no. 24 of the list (No. 25 being Twitter, which was a fantastic choice by the way) The Last of Us as "an HBO boxset in videogame form". I actually kind of like that description, it sounds more specific and less generic than declaring something "the Citizen Kane of videogames" as bad journalists continue to do whenever a mainstream title pretends to have a story. We should probably update it a little more though; let's say The Last of Us is the "HBO Amazon Instant Video playlist of videogames."

No wait; let's not say that at all! Because despite being a legitimately fantastic piece of 21st century entertainment, in regards to videogames "arriving" and breaking out as an art form The Last Of Us is not the answer. It is a fine action-adventure experience, with well-designed encounters that play out organically through stealth and strategy accompanied with a well-paced story and decent writing. However, it was also a first party exclusive for the PlayStation 3 backed with truckloads of Sony cash, so it needed to make sure it could make entire convoys of cash upon release as well. So it was about zombies, and the story played it a little safe, and the ending was a lot limper than it should have been so it wouldn't sully any attempts at a sequel.

Ultimately, what we got was a really good action videogame with a pretty good narrative stapled to it. Naughty Dog chose to do the majority of the major plot and character developments through non-interactive (this includes any Quick Time Events) elements, cinematic camera sweeps and of course cut-scenes. The story and gameplay were tied together by the technical finesse of an incredibly talented developer in building the world where they both exist, but they still largely felt more like pen pals to each other rather than the fiery passionate lovers they should have been.

There's no way to mention this game without being branded an artsy hipster and having dudebros instantly Ctrl + W out of the tab (high five Chrome users!), but Ico sure did care about building a relationship between two characters in a way that only a videogame could. I should make an appeal to the dudebros and mention that I don't actually like Ico that much; but it still conceptually interests me to this day. I find its genuine attempts at making us care about the relationship between two characters through hand-holding and irritating block-pushing puzzles more interesting than shooting some dudes in the face, having the game force me to slow to a casual walking pace for some dialogue, then shooting some more dudes etcetera. Not to be a jerk Naughty Dog, and I'm not even criticising the story itself, but if you're finding that whole "videogame" part of your videogame is getting in the way of your story maybe you should try to tell the story differently maybe!

Now I actually will be a jerk and quote myself from three paragraphs ago, The Last Of Us is "a legitimately fantastic piece of 21st century entertainment" and I have no beef with it. What I do have some beef with is the reaction that came with the game, the sort of unbelievable essays and blogs filling the e-waves about how magical it was and how everyone in the universe was reduced to tears and DEM FEELS BRO. There's also the matter of this promotional picture that is literally just a picture of protagonists Joel and Ellie surrounded by all their perfect review scores. I'm not knocking Naughty Dog for using that as part of their marketing, they did after all have convoys of cash to make for Papa Sony, but when Batman: Arkham City pulled the same thing with its Game Of The Year edition the gaming community just pointed and laughed at it.

Here's the thing, The Last Of Us hit and rocked the videogame world, but the videogame world is not all of culture. While grown men wept at "dem feels" and submitted their own perfect 100% user reviews to Metacritic, the rest of the world sort of let out a "meh". Here's where my issue with the "HBO boxset in videogame form" line comes in...I want that to be true, and hell maybe The Last Of Us genuinely is the closest thing to it...but it just isn't true. Did you guys even watch the first season of True Detective? I know people will get instantly defensive when they read this, because I definitely used to as well, but here in videogame town we don't have anything that is that good. The reaction to The Last Of Us almost smells of giving up to me, like our opinion of it is "HEY! Someone made a videogame that has similar writing and presentation as a television show and it's kind of good too! WE MADE IT!" NO. We still have so far to go! We should be celebrating The Last Of Us as a great development in gaming culture not necessarily as a landmark achievement that validates us all.

Don't take that last paragraph as some kind of attack on the medium, I have definitely spent more time in my life playing videogames than reading, watching TV or going to the movies, but that is fundamentally because the potential of interactive fiction interests me a lot more than non-interactive fiction. With that said, I will always find myself drawn more to the pieces that use this interactive element to their advantage as much as possible over those that don't, even if when they are as fantastic as The Last Of Us is. Have I mentioned enough times that I don't actually hate The Last Of Us yet? Has that come across? Oh well, let's just count that as me saying it again and I'll just move on now.

Here's something I shouldn't have waited until the word count entered the thousands to mention: Rockstar. Ever since I first heard the concept of "the HBO of videogames", Rockstar are always the company my mind jumps straight back to. Broadly speaking, what would you associate with a typical quality HBO show? Solid writing, fantastic character development, an immersive well established setting and fundamentally adult entertainment ("adult" here is a reference to the sophistication required of the viewer and not boobies/blood etcetera, although there is usually also plenty of that). So what we need here is a videogame that is the equivalent of that inside its own medium and not simply trying to emulate it like The Last Of Us was. When we have something like that, then we can celebrate the true arrival and legitimacy of videogames within popular culture, until then there's still work to do.

With the fantastic polish and attention to detail Rockstar put into the setting of basically all of their games in the last decade (excluding the god awful Manhunt games. Just as a little side note, any compliments I give to Rockstar products as a whole self-insert the phrase "with the obvious exception of Manhunt" in your head as you read it) combined with the character focused story arcs of Grand Theft Auto IV, LA Noire and Red Dead Redemption it looked like Rockstar were serious about working their way to something that good. Videogames becoming more than videogames is a concept that's getting increased discussion all the time; more people are rolling their eyes at the Call of Duty’s and the Battlefields along with the general hurricane of hyper violent dudebro shooters that plague the mainstream market. Pseudo-art games like Bioshock come out and some people suggest "Hey, I bet something like this would be awesome with no combat in it!" then The Fullbright Company release Gone Home and prove all those people right. We are daring to dream here! Our tongues are pressed against the glass ceiling and the condensation sure is starting to taste like sweet sweet progress.

Then Rockstar release Grand Theft Auto V, a silly videogame for cynical jerks, and now the dream only feels further away.

I should clarify once again before I start getting e-mails from reactionary fanboys about how I support baby cancer or whatever, no I didn't hate Grand Theft Auto V. I played it, I played the heck yeah out of it, the attention to detail to the map was even better than ever, it made me laugh a couple of times and I'm not going to say I didn't enjoy some of the missions. I beat the story mode within a couple of days and then wasted a few more days doing god-awful sidequest stuff just as an excuse to keep hanging out in the world. And I'll tell you what, if it had a matchmaking system that didn't sniff its own farts I probably would have never stopped playing 8 vs. 8 cops and robbers style games online. Grand Theft Auto V was yet another technical achievement for Rockstar North, it just wasn't a design achievement in the way GTA IV was.

I find Grand Theft Auto V inherently disappointing because so much of its failure comes from giving in to the reaction to Grand Theft Auto IV; a game that in many ways the world wasn't ready for. Oh sure, everyone lapped it up at the time, critics splouged all over the graphics and as ever consumers got caught up the hype. So everyone played it, but not everyone really "got" it. There were the obvious Rockstar pluses, high levels of polish, great world building, variety of missions and so on and so forth; along with the great work that went into creating a huge open and explorable sandbox that also functioned as a collection of set-piece orientated (mostly) well designed missions.

There were negative views of other aspects of the package though, a lot of people didn't like the grittier tone, or how you couldn't look around and just find a jetpack in some bushes any more. Internet meme culture was starting to bubble up out of the pits of hell and people openly mocked the relationship system in the game, because man, that Roman guy sure did want to go bowling a lot. I don't want to be confrontational here, but was getting phone calls in GTA IV ever ACTUALLY that annoying? Did it seriously pain you to have to occasionally hit the B or Circle button every so often? If you didn't care about the relationship system there was no punishment for ignoring it whatsoever, and you could even put your phone on silent for god's sake. Then there are weird common complaints that often come from people who pretty much exclusively play videogames in their spare time and little else. Complaints such as "why do all the cars feel so heavy?!?" Because it's a car you jerk; when so much attention has been put into making Liberty City almost like a real place don't you think it would be jarring if Rockstar dunked F-Zero style driving or something into the game? I think the cars feel great in GTA IV (and even better in GTA V), and I have actually passed my driving test in real life too so I'm a state-recognised authority on this, so there.

Here's the thing though about GTA IV being gritty and depressing and whatever; I would actually go so far to say that it's actually the most optimistic entry into the series. Without going too deep into Niko Bellic's character which is a whole essay in of itself, he is an angry man with a scarred past coming to America to escape his past life and buried in that somewhere is some satire about the "American dream" and so on. As events develop Niko finds his past makes it difficult for him to adjust to social relationships, his desire for revenge leaves him empty inside even when he finally achieves it, and his choices rooted in anger and selfishness lead to the people closest to him suffering the consequences of his actions in extreme ways.

You were actually a character in that game, maybe even a potentially real person, and you were free to interoperate that character however you wanted. GTA IV did a decent (not good, and certainly not great) job of contextualising the violence within the story; usually Niko was killing people in self-defence in situations that escalated beyond his control, or doing bad things for reasons that he had clear personal motivation for, or at the very least killing people who were significantly bigger jerks than he was. You were presented with a character with social anxieties who struggled to connect with other people, and had the ability and the psyche to kill people but not necessarily the willingness to. The subtle difference between Niko and other GTA protagonists is that it was just as easy to believe that he wouldn't kill someone as much as it was easy to believe he would go completely psycho. The true spirit of an "immersive open world game" lies somewhere within this little detail.

Grand Theft Auto IV wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I absolutely love what it was trying to do. Here's one of the more stand-out lines from GTA IV that does a decent job of summing up of Niko Bellic's struggles as a character:
"After you walk into a village and you see 50 children, all sitting neatly in a row, against a church wall, each with their throats cut and their hands chopped off, you realize that the creature that could do this doesn't have a soul."
 So Rockstar gave you a character with that back story and put in an entirely ignorable relationship system to allow you to explore Niko's own sociopathic nature with an entire collection of different colourful (and sometimes not so colourful) characters. You could ignore that, you could hang up on your stupid fat cousin and go shoot pigeons in the park by yourself instead, but it's there. A videogame lets you explore a characters own struggles and shortcoming at your own leisure in a way that a movie or TV show never could. Don't get me wrong, in regards to GTA IV Rockstar get like a C+ for execution, but there are seeds of LITERALLY THE BEST THING EVER there. Instead, it was laughed off by the same sort of people who claim the series is better if "you just ignore the missions dude!" and just wreck things, but as stated above, 2008 wasn't ready for what Grand Theft Auto IV was trying to do.

Ultimately, what I really like about GTA IV more than anything, and the reason why I say it's more "optimistic" than other entries in the series is because it fundamentally believes in people. Money, revenge, violence, aggression and selfishness bring Niko nothing but misery and emptiness, only when he begins to allow other people back into his life does he begin to find potential for happiness. The ending (regardless of which one you get) is perhaps a little too miserable, I'd say a little hypocritical also, but GTA IV was definitely on the right track towards something amazing.

Then five years later Rockstar release Grand Theft Auto V, an equally high quality product, but one that has a burning contempt for all the human beings within its world and more importantly...the ones playing it.

Grand Theft Auto V is the videogame equivalent of a douchey white male teenager thinking he's above all of popular culture while simultaneously respecting the most horrible parts of it (in other words, me around about the time GTA IV came out, I'm not really sure anything has changed really other than not being a teenager any more). The sort of person who, for example, thinks he's so clever for watching 5 seconds of The Jersey Shore and proclaiming "OMG! This show SUCKS; I hope all of them die." Not realising of course that shows like The Jersey Shore are perfectly produced to get that exact reaction, and that the show itself is sneering at the cast as much as the audience is. There's the target audience of people who genuinely like that sort of thing who provide a fanbase, then there's all the jerks that will roll their eyes at it and talk smack about it to look cool on Twitter. When that starts happening, shows like this stop being "popular" and become cultural events; so even people like me who have literally not seen more than 5 seconds of The Jersey Shore will talk about it for a paragraph in a post about videogames. Television producers don't only see these people coming; they're counting on them.

Sorry if that seemed a little too tangential, but I can't stress enough how genuinely awful the "satire" in GTA V is. Some reviewers praised it because it attacks "everything" about Western culture and "leaves no prisoners" (this is not a real quote from anywhere, but I'd bet real money that someone used those exact words) which translates to me as "there's a lot of it so therefore it must be good." GTA V takes lazy jabs at issues such as social media, reality TV, terrorism, torture and feminism (incidentally Rockstar, your decision to go for multiple characters that you switch between was already mostly gimmicky, there really wasn't any reason you couldn't have made one of them a woman) but that's all they are: lazy jabs. GTA V has nothing to say about these issues other than simply mentioning them, pointing and laughing, then moving on in the least provocative way imaginable. GTA IV wasn't exactly Stephen-Colbert-at-the-Whitehouse ballsy either, but at least there were some real jokes in it. GTA V, for all its efforts, only has one thing to say to us: People are crap; life is crap, so let's just kill each other I guess. Also LOL. 

Maybe this is something no-one ever thinks about, and maybe it doesn't matter any way; but has it occurred to anyone how badly GTA V is going to age? San Andreas is currently 9 years old but it feels like it's 30, it's almost unthinkable now that it was getting 10/10 or even 99% reviews and being held up as the benchmark for all videogames. At least people remember San Andreas for its RPG elements and other weird little additions, what will anyone remember GTA V for once its no longer technically impressive and we have an actually playable version of Grand Theft Auto Online? The torture scene? GTA V is a product of its time and future historians will scratch their heads at the response to it. But once again, this probably doesn't matter, plenty of great games have been products of their time, so let's get back into the meat of GTA V.

There's also the cynical choices in both playable characters and the story. The storytelling focus of GTA IV was swept away almost entirely, there's still a lot of talking (and a lot of it is still decent too!) and cut-scenes and whatever, but it's kind of just a bunch of stuff that happens. Honestly, I've beaten the game's story mode in its entirety and I wouldn't even know where to start summarising the narrative as a whole, I guess the best you can hope for is go through it character by character. First there's Michael, an ageing white guy (super appropriate for this game actually) who's frustrated by his life because he has no relationship with his horrible family, and he feels guilty about his privileged lifestyle because he got it through doing bad things. His "arc" is wrapped up him returning to his past lifestyle to do even more bad things, and then trying to stop doing those bad things for the sake of fixing his relationship with his horrible family. Then there's Franklin, the straight-faced man who's supposed to be a nice guy or whatever, but much like CJ from San Andreas the game completely undermines any attempt at making him sympathetic. You can try and make Franklin as normal as you'd like Rockstar, but the second a human being starts shooting people they don't know in the head, for the sake of other humans they barely know for some kind of non-specific financial gain they have officially entered the realm of psychopathy and I'm not going to like them. 

Then of course there's the main attraction: Trevor, the "nutty" one. Presumably Rockstar went for a character that was "crazy" and "random" because that's their vision of the average Grand Theft Auto player, so they wanted to create an avatar to compliment that. There's a huge paradox here in terms of balancing the free roaming nature of a "sandbox" and actual game design, stick with me here because this might get a little abstract.

In the possibly fictional land of "Australia" they have a well-intentioned but nonetheless incredibly stupid law where it is ILLEGAL to not vote. Not voting in an Australian election will get you a fine of $20, granted 20 dollars of Australian money is probably only enough for a Chupa Chup and a hand job on the bus home, but you can still get a criminal record for this. This has always struck me as incredibly undemocratic; surely the right to vote and an obligation to vote are vastly different things. Forcing a citizen to vote shackles them to a system they might not support, or to vote for one of the options even if one feels none of the options represent them. For me, not voting is an admission of ignorance, and sure you can say being ignorant at the time of an election is socially irresponsible. But forcing me to vote won't make me less ignorant, so what next, you make a law forcing people to go to town meetings to listen to party manifestos or something? Is this starting to sound creepy at all yet? It gosh darn should be. 

But that's what Rockstar is doing by presenting you with Trevor in Grand Theft Auto V; they're forcing you to vote for something you might not necessarily support. Maybe you won't want to play GTA V like a psychopath, maybe you like the idea of going for long strolls or opting for taxi rides everywhere instead of stealing cars, but Rockstar have opted to make this choice void. Even if you did try to hang out in GTA V as if it was a real place for a little while, Rockstar have already declared that Trevor is just "random" and "CRAZEH" and any roleplaying either way is completely irrelevant. You are irrelevant.  A true "sandbox" is a living city should allow the player to interoperate the character however they see fit, not make them into an impossible-to-relate-to murderer right out of the gate and slap them on the back. "Don't worry bro, just go nuts and be horrible, it doesn't affect our narrative anymore because now the entire game is about people who are horrible and nuts anyway!" Oh...nice...I guess...

Again, I don't hate Grand Theft Auto V as a videogame; I just find it endlessly disappointing and a little frustrating. The shooting is better, the driving is better, it looks great and the city is realer than it’s ever been. But the fact that all of this is being used purely as a backdrop to a mean-spirited, psychopathic, incredibly cynical and misogynistic "satire" about horrible people who have no aspiration in their lives other than to shoot people for money makes me feel that maybe the entire videogame industry needs to go flush its head down the toilet and think about what it's done. In 2008, Rockstar started off their franchise game with a short driving stage establishing the relationship between two characters and their aspirations for the future; in 2013 they started the game with criminals shooting 200 cops in the face. That's the progress we've made in five years apparently. 

I criticise Rockstar, and I have focused primarily on the differences between GTA IV and V, because as the title suggests I believe in them. I'm just worried that Rockstar are starting to not believe in themselves any more, and maybe that cowardly bit of self-doubt that made them put cover shooting in L.A. Noire and have the game end in a sewer setting gangsters on fire (for god's sake) has overtaken the entire company. The release of a new main entry Grand Theft Auto title is a cultural event now, not even Mario or Zelda can claim that anymore, so if there's one franchise that we should be hope to highlight some of the more positive elements of the games industry it may as well be that one. They don't need to appeal to the horrible dudebro demographic by making games like GTA V; they already have everyone's attention. Sure some jerks laughed at GTA IV, but everyone looked at it, and people still got excited for the next one. All things considered did the experimental elements of GTA IV really go that badly at all?

Maybe you find the earlier discussion about the juxtaposition between Niko Bellic's depressing character and the optimistic nature of including relationships unconvincing, maybe that was just an accident. But that's also a big part of the reason to get so excited about Rockstar as a developer; they create worlds with such a high degree of polish that sometimes accidental genius can crop up just by random things rubbing against each other like that. They've proven with Red Dead Redemption they can produce strong narratives that take place somewhere that the player might actually want to go to. They've proven in Max Payne 3 they can make games that centre around a really strong core mechanic. And now with Grand Theft Auto V they've outdone themselves again in terms of creating fantastic worlds. 

We have the world now Rockstar, what you need to do now is find ways of exploring that world, and not just rely on wowing us with sheer scale and craftsmanship. Make more buildings enterable, make more things more interactive, design more story missions to have branding paths and alternative methods of execution (incidentally, GTA V is insanely restrictive in this regard and has some of the dumbest fail states I've ever seen in a videogame). I'm not suggesting that a series like Grand Theft Auto should have no violence in it, that would obviously be ridiculous, but there's no reason why it shouldn't make more sense and there's definitely no reason to not have alternatives to violence; at least in some situations!  I think that's all I have to say about Grand Theft Auto for now, I just hope GTA VI will take more inspiration from IV than V is all I'm saying, but more importantly I hope it's good enough to make both of them completely irrelevant.

At time of writing, another E3 has just passed and it was yet again an endless parade of meaningless violence, stab wounds and buff white dudes holding a lot of guns...so maybe videogames still aren't ready for "the dream" that games like Gone Home are reaching for just yet. Then again, games that got a ton of buzz on Twitter were things like Cuphead and No Man's Sky, and people sure did love that Nintendo conference, maybe some people just lack the imagination to see what the future could be. Maybe it just genuinely doesn't occur to some people that it would be entirely possible to see a completely non-violent videogame with the level of polish that a Grand Theft Auto comes with. Shooting dudes in the face is a pretty good game mechanic, I just wish more people would realise it's not the only good game mechanic. Imagine Rockstar taking all their tools and making something like Game of Thrones, or True Detective, or maybe even The Last Of Us. In his writings' Tim Rogers has made several references to wanting to see Rockstar make their own romantic comedy, and my god I love that idea, and I don't even like romantic comedies.

Even if Rockstar do just want to make Grand Theft Auto VI even jerkier and more dudebroier, that's fine with me I guess. I've never made a billion dollars in a weekend before so they're way smarter than me. I just hope they don't lose that ambition in all their projects, I hope whoever believed that the company could produce a videogame that was more than "just another videogame" around the time GTA IV was in development hasn't been demoted to janitorial services or something. There's still so much work to do and I honestly believe they were on the right track for a moment there. Companies like Naughty Dog, Valve and TellTale Games will be right on the frontline with them, but if anyone (mainstream) is going to crash through that glass ceiling in a way people would notice and begin the TRUE next generation of videogames it's going to Rockstar. 

Either way, I'm doomed to pay attention to all their projects until the day I die (unless they announce Manhunt 3, in which case I would probably just retroactively edited this piece into one massive sad face and smash all my videogame consoles with a brick) in the possibly futile hope that they'll make something that all of us can legitimately be proud of. Until that day comes, hopefully at least they'll steal someone else's matchmaking for Grand Theft Auto Online so I can actually start playing it again, gosh darn it.

Saturday, 31 May 2014

LesmoThoughts: Super Mario 3D World


I wish I hadn't been so lazy lately and written more of these so I start this particular piece off with some wanky "full circle" intro about how Super Mario 3D Land was the first game I wrote about in this style. As is, I've only done a few games in between these bad boys so it would just be weird, fortunately I can just opt for an even wankier intro paragraph where I waste 30 seconds of your life explaining how I couldn't do that but would of instead. Right, good, intros done, now we can go straight into the meat of the matter.

For the uninitiated I wrote a thing about Super Mario 3D Land talking about why it's really good and probably the best Mario game Nintendo have done since Super Mario Bros 3, I also wrote a thing about I just got a Wii U and they're pretty cool. With these two things going for it, does this mean that I also really like Super Mario 3D World for the Wii U? Well let's put it this way; I have four games for my Wii U currently, one of them is that brand new Mario Kart 8 that people are excited for, the first game I reached for was Super Mario 3D World and I got straight into it. It's now a day later and I've beaten it, Mario Kart 8 is still trending on Twitter at time of writing and it's still yet to be touched. I've even taken the seal off it to register the code for my free game download so the job of opening it is already half done and still the disc has not left the box, because I was too busy bouncing my way through 3D World. So we'll file the answer to that particular question as "Yes" for now. 

Structurally Super Mario 3D World is pretty similar to 3D Land and retains most of its good points, just to briefly recap those are: perfect level design, perfect celebration of movement and perfect segregation of content into bite-sized fun packages. There are a few differences regarding 3D World however, unfortunately I'll have to duck the hypothetical 9.7 out of 10 (or something) I'd give 3D Land for its level design to like a 9.2 for containing a bunch of gimmicky levels that don't really work, such as the "touchpad platforms" level previously mentioned in the Wii U post. 3D World gets some points back in the movement department however because I really like how they've handled Mario's speed in this one. Finally they came up with a visual way to indicate full speed in the way the P meter and beeps did in Super Mario Bros 3, as now when Mario is fully revved up there's a little speed boost and Mario shoots forward with a different running animation. It's really neat because the worst part of 3D Land was thinking you were at full speed when you weren't and accidentally doing a tiny bunny hop into a pit, which didn't happen to me a single time while playing through Super Mario 3D World.

Just as a side note, I'd like to point out that 3D World also has an option for manual camera controls now. I bring this up because I didn't notice it until I as in World 5, and even then it as by accident and I never actually used them. I can't stress enough how much of a compliment this is, there are almost no 3D games where the camera is legitimately never an issue without you having to master controlling it yourself, these games have to be given insane amounts of credit for that.

I wasn't a fan of those Super Mario Galaxy games, they're neat and everything and I basically respect them, but they weren't what I wanted a 3D Mario game to be. Super Mario 3D Land was a nearly perfect 3D Mario game, and Super Mario 3D World is nearly a perfect Super Mario 3D Land game, but the proximity of the latter is lower to perfection than the proximity of the former, if you get what I'm saying.

In English: Super Mario 3D World is pretty great, almost as great as 3D Land, but it feels like a baby step away from perfection than one towards it. 

There's lots of little reasons for this, many would say it's that 3D World is too short. To be honest; maybe, but I think there's actually more content in 3D World if you discount the fact that 3D Land was padded out by looping the same level designs twice with different gimmicks. Still, it would have been neat if 3D World has done something similar to that as well, I don't mind these games padding themselves out because it's basically guaranteed that I'm going to want to play them more than once so you may as well give me something to work for. It could be that the levels are a little too gimmicky in places, there's no dealbreakers or anything but there's definitely levels in 3D World that I have no intention of ever playing again whereas I would happily run through all of 3D Land any day of the week 

It might also be those gosh darn garbage Captain Toad levels. A lot of people on the internet go on about games "murdering their childhoods", and I have to admit I felt the top of a blade menacing my childhood's jugular when I saw this kind of crap in a Mario game. Basically, you play as a ridiculously slow Toadstool guy, and you walk across an obtuse straight line in a 3D structure, with no fixed camera angles and no ability to jump (although the jump button still works, it's just that it makes your toadstool guy go WAH and a little thrust instead). The ONLY challenge is to steer the camera so you can actually see where you're going, there is only ever one direction you can go unless you want to fall back to the bottom and start again. If you think anything in these levels is a "puzzle" you are genuinely stupid, I mean no offence or anything, thanks for reading, but I would bet any amount of money that there's strange gaps on your walls where you licked the paint off before it dried.

In a nutshell; Super Mario 3D Land took those Galaxy games that I really didn't like that much, and stripped them of all their fluff and just left the delicious Mario gooey centre that I wanted. Super Mario 3D World for the most part is just more of that, but in 1080p with a mostly horrible soundtrack* and some of that fluff put back into it. Just enough fluff to get up your nose and make you sneeze from time to time, but you'll forget about it when it passes. Overall, I had a good time Super Mario 3D World, and I absolutely definitely 100% will go back to it and play it all over again getting all the stars I missed etc., I'd just say that Super Mario 3D Land was a little better. That's all.

Oh and um....the multiplayer...I guess that's cool too but...I don't have any friends.

*Before I get jumped on there's like 5 tracks or so I really like, but overall I don't like the music in this game SORRY 




Friday, 30 May 2014

LesmoThoughts: Wii U


Well, as of today I have joined the world's most discriminated against minority...people who paid money to own a Nintendo Wii U. I don't even know how to defend the decision; there was a price drop at around the time I got a bunch of money, the Mario Kart 8 free game deal was pretty sweet and there's literally nothing I would play on a PlayStation 4 or an Xbone, so I TOOK THE PLUNGE. Now that I've owned a Wii U for a few hours, I want to write a thing about how it's pretty cool but Nintendo really suck, because that's how I respond to gifts (the console is a birthday present from me to me (thanks me!))

One thing the Wii U has going for it is that it'll definitely be remembered as one of the most obnoxious consoles to setup ever. Almost every stage of the initial set up sequences forces you to do everything through the Wii U controller screen which is a bit of culture shock right out of the gate (more on this later), and before I could really do anything I had to wait for it to download and install huge updates for both the controller and console which took about an hour. Let's not even get into Mii creation and linking it up with my existing Nintendo accounts, I find it slightly concerning that Nintendo's online services seem to have significantly more security than my bank account. Don't ever forget your Nintendo Network ID folks.

I own some games for this thing I guess, but I don't want to talk about those just now. I have played the first three worlds of that Super Mario 3D World and it's pretty cool! But my first couple of hours with an actual Wii U did confirm my own prejudices against the machine, in fact that touchpad controller is really stupid. The only two notable uses in 3D World so far is you can rub the screen to show hidden blocks and coins, and also there was an entire level build around the gimmick of tapping platforms to make them appear and blowing on the microphone to make them move. Goddamnit Nintendo, I waited EIGHT YEARS to play one of your games in 1080p on my television screen, and the first one I get my hands on has levels in it that FORCE me to not look at my television.

Fear of televisions seems to be the running theme within the Wii U. On the big screen most of the menus and applications are at a strange resolution which can only be described as "they fit the screen but not quite lol" almost as a subtle hint in itself that you should not bother with anything that isn't the controller. There's nothing wrong with the resolution on any of the games, so it's kind of bizarre that nothing seems to fit an actual television probably on the console's own interface. It really is just stupid, the two screens thing works on the (3)DS because you can always easily see both or either of the screens, on anything you do involving the Wii U touchpad you have to stop looking at your television. Once again, this home console is encouraging me to ignore my (dad's) 50 inch plasma high definition 1080p television to look at a tiny washed out standard definition screen that I hold in my hands.

Going in to it the thing I was most cynical about was this business of being to continue playing games on the touchpad controller so you wouldn't have to hog the TV or something. This seems such a defeatist attitude; ignoring the fact that the vast majority of households have more than one television these days, it assumes that whoever the gamer in the household is at the bottom rung socially (this is probably true, but it seems weird for an international gaming corporation to want to promote this). Other than for little kids this presentation of this gimmick seems basically pointless until you really stop and think about it:

WAIT.

You mean while I'm working and I get writer's block or something, I can just grab my Wii U controller and knock off a level or two of Super Mario 3D World and then hop back to it? I mean I'm not doing that now, this is just bollocks and I don't get writer's block when I'm just writing bollocks, but Nintendo you have no idea how cool that is to me. I'm finding that taking the time to settle in with a mainstream console game is getting more and more difficult, but having the option to have a handheld bite-sized experience with them? ARE YOU SERIOUS? I liked Bayonetta and all, but other than the combat I found the general level design and story presentation lacking, which made it hard for me to play in long sittings. Being able to play it a couple of combat rooms at a time while I do other things if I'm not in the mood to take time out to sit down in my living room and have long sessions of it? That. Is. AWESOME. My own revelation has doubled my excitement in Bayonetta 2.

Note I said "my own revelation", because none of this has anything to do with Nintendo, and that's why they suck. Three years of their marketing failed to communicate to me what playing Super Mario 3D World hands on told me in half an hour, the Wii U is a gosh darn cool thing under its fluff and own bollocks. Sony tried the portable screen thing too with the Remote Play thing the PSP, but that failed due to expense and lack of support, Nintendo have the tools to make it a big thing just sitting there and they never told anyone. How people are even fully aware that the Wii U still comes with a sensor bar, and many of the new games still support Wiimotes and motion controls etc.? The marketing direction has been completely confused and failed to get across any of the cool things about this machine.

Not that I'm saying the Wii U is a great console or anything, I understand why it doesn't but it is kind of unfortunate that the touchscreen controller doesn't support HD...or that it isn't a particularly good touchscreen. It probably wouldn't happen/be possible but personally I would totally buy a HD version of that controller tomorrow. Just steal the screen from the PlayStation Vita Nintendo, I know where the Sony offices are, I'll help you break in. Just get in there at 2am and steal that, they're not doing anything with it they won't even notice, get a nice screen on that Wii U controller.

It could also use a few more games too, but that goes for the PlayStation 4 and Xbone as well so I don't hold that up as a key reason why the Wii U isn't doing so hot. Nintendo have just failed to communicate the potential of the machine. The Mario Kart 8 free game thing was pretty clever, because before then I was thinking there were about 5 games that I wanted to play (if not necessarily love or possibly even like in some cases) on the machine, and those were Super Mario 3D World, The Legend Of Zelda: WindWaker, Super Smash Bros, Mario Kart 8 and Bayonetta 2. Looking at the list of 10 games available for free with Mario Kart 8, I realised I wouldn't mind owning the vast majority of them, and that maybe the Wii U was finally something worth owning. With the touchscreen controller allowing bite-sized gameplay I probably wouldn't even mind playing through that Sonic: Lost Worlds all the way through...but y'know...with like hour breaks between each stage that is...

Thursday, 10 April 2014

LesmoThoughts: Burnout Revenge


I'm basically cool with the Burnout games so I'm not going to rag on them too much. Granted I've only played 3, Revenge and Legends (on the PSP ("Perssspee")) and neither of the first two which were apparently actually about racing WITHOUT psychotically ramming other racers off the road. Looking back EA probably had some uncharacteristic balls to make the decision to turn Burnout into that sort of game, and based on the three entries I've played and stuff I've heard about the ones I haven't I'm just going to conclude that Burnout 3 is the best in the series.

Not that Burnout Revenge isn't still pretty good! It's got most of the things that made Burnout 3 pretty darn fun and adds a bunch of extra stuff as well, granted most of the extra stuff just makes it muddier (if there's a thesaurus near you, be sure to add "dumber" to the words listed under "muddier". Incidentally, if you feel the need to have a thesaurus near you at all times, perhaps you should consider reading more regularly). Probably the new addition that stands out the most is "traffic checking", and jerks are probably scoffing at me bringing that up before the "Revenge" mechanic that's mentioned in the title, and to those jerks I say that's just a gimmick and doesn't matter and you have a stupid haircut. Anyway, "traffic checking" means you can just wail into the back of non-oncoming traffic now, and in Burnout fashion doing so will earn you boost and points and feelings of "heck yea", especially when you score a trick shot by pounding a Ford Fiesta into a school bus full of children or something.

This one subtle change probably sounds pretty cool on paper, but actually it kind of takes a lot of things out of the Burnout formula that changes it for the worst. First off, the roads are less dangerous now...that sucks. Second of all, why can your car slam a truck into the sun Team Rocket style when you hit it from behind at no risk, but hitting oncoming traffic wipes you out instantly? Also, why does getting slightly nudged into the same traffic also force you to crash when the game demonstrates I can plough through non-racer vehicles like they're your mum? There's also this weird little scratch at my psychology, where the game now awards you with boost for BOTH driving on the wrong side of the road AND ploughing through traffic on the right side of the road (if you've still got that thesaurus handy, this is "right" as in "correct" and not "opposite of left". But due to this game being set in America it's actually both anyway so I don't know why I brought it up, just pretend these brackets aren't here). You know awarding me for "driving dangerously" has more appeal when it's actually kind of possible to drive "safely" in the first place.

And FINE I'll mention the Revenge thing briefly. I could see the appeal in a multiplayer setting I guess; wanting the game to keep track of which of your douchebag friends is slamming you into street signs the most and awarding you for getting them back within the context of the game rather than flushing their head down the toilet. It's kind of dumb in the single player mode though, especially as when a race ends the game reveals the extraordinary personalities you were competing against this entire time go by the title of "DRIVER1", "DRIVER2", "DRIVER3", "DRIVER4" and "DRIVER5". There's only so mad I can get at a faceless PS2 era modelled car, at least let me name all of the drivers myself like in MOTHER 3, or come up with your own Wacky Racer style personalities so I can at least imagine some guy shaking his fist at me in his mangled wreckage.

Enough of that, let's not pretend this is actually some kind of game review and talk about the actual worst thing of Burnout Revenge, and that's the soundtrack.

NO. DO NOT COMMENT AT ME THAT THE SOUNDTRACK IS AWESOME AND I'M JUST A JERK.

Even if it was good music, I can't imagine anything lazier than licensing a bunch of wabbily mid-2000s pop-rock gosh darn GARBAGE for the soundtrack of a racing game. Especially a racing game that has a focus on ridiculous speed and doing that effect where the audio gets drowned out anyway. Burnout 3's soundtrack wasn't good either but I could tolerate it, I mean I'd rather get woken up by two falcons pulling me out of bed by the ears than set anything on that soundtrack as my morning alarm song, but it didn't offend me to hear it during the background of a high speed racing game I guess.

It's not that big of a deal really I suppose, but it's a shame that a genuinely great little series has chose to date itself so horribly with this decision. You could have come up with some original music to give your game it's own little personality, but instead I'm forced to either play the game with no music (which also kind of sucks) or endure your custom soundtrack that you have thoroughly stapled into the game forever. There's two points to writing this piece, 1) that (entirely) licensed soundtracks are super lame and really lazy, Burnout Revenge is just the worst example to me because they filled it completely with the sort of music I despise personally and 2) that EA can't quite release anything without ruining it at least slightly.

So there you go; Burnout's great, Burnout Revenge is pretty good, EA sucks goomba balls. The end.

Saturday, 5 April 2014

LesmoThoughts - American McGee's Alice


There's going to be some non-linear storytelling going on here, let's start in the Summer of 2011 where I made a day one purchase on Alice: Madness Returns for thirty-eight dot ninety-nine British pounds. I played that game until I beat it, and it sure wasn't that great, it was a basically competent but dull 3D platformer that stretched 4 hours of ideas out to about 15. It was one of those games where word got around quick that it wasn't that great and it irritatingly slashed in price mere weeks later, which I was rather butthurt about. I held onto my copy because I needed it to play the free HD version of the original American McGee's Alice which I figured I might someday.

Flashback to the beginning of 2011 and I see screenshots for the first time of Madness Returns, it looked kind of cool and seemed to have some kind of creative spark behind it somewhere, which was somewhat uncharacteristic with it being an EA game and all. I'm not sure if they had stopped calling themselves "Electronic Arts" at that point, that was probably a smart decision to prevent GENIUS puns like "Electronic Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...en't you wishing you chose another game right about now?" etcetera . Well it turned out this Batman Returns thing was a sequel to some old PC game I'd never played, because it came out in 2000 and in 2000 I was too busy hitting my chunky desktop computer with a chair to make it run Lego Island (and later Lego Alpha Team). 

Well in 2011 I got on the gosh darn internet and torrented the fudge out of that American McGee's Alice (I was a student so this is totally morally okay (I also did some carjacking on the side by dropkicked through the windows Dukes of Hazzard style (alright not really (wait let's just start this again, American McGee's Alice is an EA game so this is totally morally okay)))) and then I played that game until I beat it too. It wasn't that great either, but I was playing it with a keyboard whereas the new game was coming to consoles, and the biggest problem with it was god-awful combat and platforming which seemed to be the two big points of focus in the new one, so I was still vaguely interested.

Well a HD remake FOR CONSOLES of that 2000 PC game came bundled with Alice: Return of the Joker so three and a bit years later I thought I would give that a whirl and see how it holds up. And if I say right now that I'm writing this after only playing the game for about 10 minutes that's probably all I really need to say about it. I'll say more anyway; and this might come off as harsh; this game kind of actually fucking disgusts me. Without resorting to really dumb choices like Action 52 or something I honestly can't think of a game that has a worse jump or worse combat.

The jump is ridiculous because Alice jumps so insanely high that it seems to take the camera by surprise every single time, but is still problematic because the level design is so stretched out that it still doesn't feel like she jumps high enough. Not to mention every single time she jumps she makes one (and only one) grunting sound that sounds like she's being sexually assaulted in a wind tunnel. In trying to figure out how to skip them (lol) I hit the jump button during a non-interactive cutscene and the game glitched and started playing the jump grunt over and over again, you could probably play some of the Cheshire Cat's lines over that and make a pretty sweet remix.

EVERY ADVENTURE REQUIRES A SINGLE STEP, TR-TR-TR-TR-TR-TR-TR-ITE BUT *BAP BAP BAP BAP* TR-TR-TR-TR-RUEEEE~~~ *UH UH UH UH*

I don't think even the people who like this game can defend the combat, I'm down with making the default "free to use" weapon kind of rubbish and a last resort kind of deal, but that's only really good design when you make the other weapons worth a damn. Not to mention the default knife strike is a tiny little slash that you can barely see as the camera is always positioned directly behind you like God Hand (no wait! Not like God Hand at all, oh God Hand I'm so sorry I compared American McGee's Alice to you that is so not cool) so telling when your utterly useless weapon is actually connecting is a challenge in itself. I could make some joke about the deck of cards feeling like throwing soggy cornflakes (and I just did) but just thinking about this game is depressing me.

There's something misguided and slightly pretentious about the entire project, making Alice in Wonderland (which is one of the handful of novels I can actually claim to have read! Boy, I can't tell you a lot about books, but I can sure say that Alice in Wonderland is better than Great Expectations and George's Marvellous Medicine) all depressing and screwed up only makes it less interesting to me. I don't really see the appeal of making the inhabitants of Wonderland all depressed and bi-polar when their M.O. is usually to just be kind of insane. But hey, both the Alice games have some interesting ideas and visuals in them, so I won't knock it too hard I guess, but for my money neither of these games are truly as demented as the original source material.

Thinking about this I realise I have a stronger connection to the Alice games that will probably/possibly make me hate them forever. When I originally beat this game back in the early 2011 days I sure did post on social media about how it was kind of sucky but also sort of cool and I was looking forward to playing the new one, a girl who I really liked but didn't know especially well at that time revealed herself to be a pretty huge fan of these games. Man, that felt like destiny at the time, and was in no way merely two near-identically aged people being intrigued by a totally mainstream product pushed out by one of the largest entertainment companies in the world and experiencing a slight overlap in interests (Disclaimer: I never have actually believed in "destiny", I also tie my own shoelaces and butter my own toast).

Many months later the lady in question actually met American McGee at some book signing event or something, and she came away disappointed because he was just a "normal guy" and not some psycho-weirdo guy. I don't really know what she was expecting, maybe that he would slit her arm open with his nametag and sample some blood for "the collection", but the EA development system probably beats any kind of weirdness (or personality) out of you eventually so I wouldn't hold it against him. But still, that's pretty god-damn hilarious, I can't help but slightly love someone for being disappointed in someone else for not being enough of a weirdo. These two bitter-sweet memories (the full story will have to be saved for another day (i.e NEVER)) hit me whenever I think about the Alice games, even if it's just seeing Alice: The Killing Joke on my games shelf, maybe that'll stop me from ever appreciating the little nuggets of good that exist within them.

I don't feel bad about it though because they're still rubbish...OOOHHHHHHHHHHHH