Also it's The Rock's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROCKY
Segment #1 - Stephanie and Shane McMahon promo
For some reason I was thinking about the opening of Fahrenheit/Indigo Prophecy where a motion captured David Cage teaches you how to play the game and how it's one of the most arrogant things I've ever seen in a videogame, and then I realised within the internal logic of the WWE product every single episode of Raw starts like that. So we kick off the new era with the same old crap with the Authority figures as Stephanie and Shane try to get along and then they get interrupted by a bunch of dudes who will be put into matches on the spot because apparently every week everyone turns up to work with no idea of what they're doing.
Cesaro and Kevin Owens come out and both awkwardly demand Intercontinental title matches, Shane McMahon makes a match between them and says the winner will be the No 1 Contender...I should remember this better writing these every week but didn't this EXACT thing happen a few weeks ago?
Segment #2 - Kevin Owens Vs Cesaro
Miz is on commentary for this probably to establish we're not accidentally watching a rerun. Cesaro bursts out of the blocks knocking Owens around with uppercuts and flying all around ringside and the match keeps a much faster pace than this previous recent matches. Both these guys are like Create-a-Wrestlers with all the coolest looking moves mapped to every button but they don't do any damage due to low stats, it's especially absurd that Owens has never beaten anyone with his frog splash.
Owens tries to hit Cesaro with the Intercontinental title near the announce table, Miz grabs it, Cesaro uppercuts both of them, goes for the giant swing on Owens in the ring and the match ends with Miz interfering. A three way brawl breaks out, Sami Zayn comes out and gets involved and fights off Miz and Owens and holds the Intercontinental title belt. Michael Cole clarifies there's still isn't a No 1 Contender.
Stephanie bumps into Dean Ambrose backstage, Dean says he doesn't buy her nice lady act, Stephanie says he'll appear on his talk show later on.
Tyler Breeze and R-Truth are hanging out for...some reason, Goldust gets jeal...HOW IS THIS STILL GOING I DON'T CARE I'M MOVING ON
AJ Styles is talking to Anderson and Gallows backstage about the title match, for some reason AJ doesn't seem to care either way about them interfering. Reigns bursts in and stares down all three of them, he says he has respect for AJ but not his boys, he challenges them to a six man tag match later on.
Segment #3 - Tyler Breeze and R-Truth Vs Goldust and Fandango
fuck you
Segment #4 - The New Day, Vaudevillains, Dudleys and Cass promo
The Vaudevillains have officially been awarded the tag tournament win so it's them vs New Day at Extreme Rules (I strongly suspect this wasn't the original plan but props to WWE for sticking to their stipulations for once.) The New Day come out and talk about Enzo's injury...and they keep it classy by replaying the incident once again, they show the Twitter picture of Enzo released from the hospital. As unfortunate as the Payback incident was it may end up endearing people to Enzo even more.
The Vaudevillains come out and talk some smack on Enzo, the Dudleys come out and say they want a tag title shot, Cass comes out to full SAWFT music (which was a mistake because people were disappointed not to see Enzo) and starts brawling with the Vaudevillains...and New Day and Dudleys brawl with each other because why not. Horrifically overscripted segment, this was one of the lowest energy segment I've ever seen the New Day involved in.
Segment #5 - New Day and Big Cass Vs Dudleys and Vaudevillains
Shane McMahon made this match during the break, apparently his fresh ideas and new direction for the show is just to put guys who happen to be in the ring together in matches.
*Vaudevillains refuse to tag in the Dudleys*
*D-Von tags himself into the match, Simon Gatch looks visibly annoyed*
Byron Saxton: Good continuity between the Dudleys and the Vaudevillains!!
Bubba doesn't shut up the whole match and it's great, Xavier gets worked over for a bit, then gets the tag to Kofi who becomes the real sacrificial lamb for the match. Big Cass gets the hot tag and starts running wild. The closing moments of this match was one of the most awkward endings I've seen to a big tag match in a while, the pacing was completely off and it seemed like everyone was out of position. Cass eventually gets the win on D-Von, pretty boring match to be honest.
Michael Cole recaps the Charlotte/Natalya controversy and they show clips from WCW 1999 of Charles Robinson wrestling as Lil Naitch. I hated the finish at Payback so much I genuinely wouldn't care if they never explained it and just moved on but this is so strange, I do love how WWE occasionally forget their own television from a few weeks ago but remember WCW from nearly 20 years ago.
Segment #6 - Becky Lynch Vs Emma
I thought Kalisto and Ryback was the most non-existent feud in the company but apparently there's another "rivalry" going on that's been getting even less television time. WWE need to remember not everyone reads their Twitters, I mean I'm on Twitter all the time and about as fat as you can seriously expect a fan to be yet I never see this stuff, what chance do the casuals have?
Well anyway, an already so-so St Louis crowd cares about this match as much as you can expect to care them to care about a blood feud that only exists on social media, which is a shame since both these gals are great. Becky still manages to get a good comeback going to the sound of excited murmurs, Emma pokes her in the "injured eye" (thanks for establishing that beforehand announcers, you literally had ONE JOB here) and gets the win.
Segment #7 - Stephanie McMahon on the Ambrose Asylum
One thing I've noticed about Stephanie is she's like the only person in the company who actually responds to people organically on the microphone rather than waiting for her turn or flapping her gums for no reason.
Dean Ambrose riles Stephanie up about Shane being given control and everyone liking him more despite all the work she put in. Eventually he breaks her facade and she cancels the Ambrose Asylum and brings back the Highlight Reel, Jericho attacks Ambrose and smashes the potted plant Mitch over Ambrose's head as the announcers make Guardians of the Galaxy jokes over what's supposed to be an angle. After giggling about it for a bit Byron Saxton remembers what his job is and shouts "HOW LOW CAN JERICHO GO?" to which JBL responds "It's a potted plant!" I guess you're right JBL...I guess you're right...
For god's sake, if one of your feuds is over a TALK SHOW maybe try and jump away from that not double down on it.
Segment #8 - Battle Royal for United States Championship No 1 Contendership
WAIT, I didn't watch Smackdown, they ended the League of Nations???? RUSEV IS FREE?!?! And Titus O'Neil is back? The United States hasn't meant this much to me in months.
Apollo Crews and Baron Corbin get eliminated bizarrely early to the point where you wonder why they were even in it...Corbin and Ziggler is apparently going to keep going. Del Rio seems to have found a way to make his stomp finisher less crap by doing it faster off the second rope...still kind of wish he would just drop it. Final four comes down to Sheamus, Rusev, Del Rio and Ryder...who hilariously is getting trodden on by Sheamus during the FINAL FOUR STAREDOWN shot. Sheamus tries to get the League to work together again to eliminate the undefeatable Zack Ryder. As silly and nonsensical as it was it did at least get the crowd behind Ryder when he starting fighting back after the League started fighting each other.
It comes down to Rusev and Ryder and the crowd actually wakes up in a wave of WOO WOO WOOs. Ryder gets a long string of offence on Rusev but gets reserved when going for the elimination and is thrown out. Rusev Vs Kalisto sounds like a GREAT matchup, surprisingly fun segment.
Segment #9 - Charlotte address CONTROVERSY
Michael Cole - "Charles Robinson was once the official memory for the Four Horsemen did you forget that?" MOST OF YOUR AUDIENCE CAN'T FORGET THAT BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T BORN WHEN IT HAPPENED.
Charles Robinson comes out and denies all the accusations and says Natalya gave up and leaves, I guess that's going to be the end of that. Natalya comes out and gets in Ric's face and fights Charlotte out of the ring. Ric takes off his jacket but mercifully not his shirt, Natalya slaps him and scoops him up for the sharpshooter. Charlotte celebrates with his Rolex and Hall of Fame rings. This segment felt like a formality, like "well we did that awful finish now this has to go to the next PPV goddamnit why don't we ever think."
Backstage Stephanie talks to the Flairs, she puts Charlotte in a submission match at Extreme Rules...which Charlotte is fine with for some reason even though the whole angle is Natalya never actually gave up. Stephanie also bans Ric from ringside and he gives her the crazy eyes, still keeps his shirt on though.
Segment #10 - AJ Styles, Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows Vs Roman Reigns and The Usos
I said a few weeks ago I was really looking forward to this inevitable match, I didn't think it'd come so soon though. According to the Raw graphics the WWE World Heavyweight Champion is "Roman Reigns and The Usos", I think Jimmy's been screeching "FREEBIRD RULE!!!" at him since Wrestlemania.
Putting Reigns back in a six man tag match where he cleans up at the end makes it easier to remember why so many people used to really like him. It was fun match but you kind of wish it had gone a little longer. Anderson and Gallows take out Reigns with a Boot of Doom on top of the guard rail outside and AJ takes out one of the Usos in the ring for the win, good to see these guys get their first win together to establish how strong they are together.
After the match Anderson and Gallows beat down Reigns and offer a steel chair to AJ, AJ refuses to hit a helpless Reigns, the Usos hit AJ with a chair instead and fight off Anderson and Gallows, AJ snaps and hits them with a chair, which causes Reigns to lose it and destroy AJ.
Great sequence to put over the Extreme Rules match, establishing AJ as a nice guy but someone who's capable of snapping, while escalating the feud between them without making either one of them look like too much of a dick. Can't wait for this match.
Closing Thoughts
A not so great Raw with a couple of highlights here and there...just like the old days. Although in fairness the show wasn't worse because of convoluted Shane/Stephanie stuff, it just felt a lot more uncomfortably scripted than previous weeks. Although looking back over the report...two of the segments I didn't like could have come off a thousand times better if the announcers didn't suck at their jobs so much.
Ah well, the Intercontinental title has stuff going on, the United States Championship has a match I want to see, Extreme Rules has a strong main event and best of all NO MORE LEAGUE OF NATIONS so no point being too pessimistic.
RATING: Both thumbs sideways twiddling with each other in general indifference.
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