Raw Recap 25th April, 2016 - Sleep Deprivation

Welcome to what will hopefully be the last of the barely coherent Raw recaps due to Uncharted-related lack of sleeping. LET'S A GO!

Segment #1 - Shane and Stephanie McMahon promo

Oh for god's sake, for the fourth week in a row Shane McMahon is in control of Raw for absolutely no reason and they're not even bothering to explain why. I don't even understand what the point is, instead of keeping him on in a "temporary" role and giving him credit for all the great matches the TALENT are having why don't you just establish him as the new authority and that this is a new direction for the company as a whole. Instead, we have the old shtick as always with the authority figure kicking off the show every week with the exact same promo, only this time it doesn't even make sense because Shane keeps talking about the "new era" when in storyline he's only in this job on a week by week basis.

Well anyway, Stephanie interrupts him and says that his Raw is his last week because at Payback Vince is going to decide who's running the show from now on...well good that's something at least, but still doesn't excuse the laziness and contrivance of all this or why this all has to be smothered by McMahon bickering in the first place. Shane says he's still in charge for this show so gets Stephanie thrown out of the arena by security, I'm also not sure how that works, Stephanie is still technically ranked above Shane even if he is "running" the show. Like, if I'm made guest editor on Kotaku for a week I can commission all the content to be Ace Attorney retrospectives but I don't think they'd let me have their staff writers thrown in a skip.

Segment #2 - AJ Styles Vs Sheamus

The commentators put over the story of this match which is AJ Vs A Big Beefy Tough Dude Like Roman Reigns to prove that he can hang with the big guys. It's Reigns Vs Del Rio later on and I wonder if the commentary will be like "ROMAN REIGNS IS FIGHTING A WRESTLER GUY WHO KNOWS HOW TO WRESTLE TO GET READY FOR PAYBACK DO YOU GET IT YET WE'RE NOT GOOD AT SUBTLE META-NARRATIVE".

Anyway these guys have a decent match, even if Sheamus seemed to struggle to keep up with AJ at times. AJ takes out Sheamus with the Phenomenal Forearm to further establish that as a finisher because no way is Roman taking a Styles Clash.  Gallows and Anderson appear on the ramp after the match to congratulate AJ and we cut backstage to the Usos and Roman Reigns watching all this on TV.

Uso 1 - "You know we got your back!"

Reigns - "You know what I'm going to say..."

Uso 2 - "ONE VS ALL™"

Uso 1 - "Y'know, sometimes the One needs help from the All"

Reigns - "Sometimes the All needs help from the One"

JEEZUS, and some people got angry about the dialogue in Jupiter Ascending. I know if the Usos wrote their own scripts their lines would have been replaced with OOOOOOO AHHAAAA HOOOOO but that would still be better than this shite.

Segment #3 - New Day, Vaudevillains and SAWFT promo

Everyone comes out and does their shtick and that's about it. Last week I said WWE needed to make their mind up whether SAWFT's music played during Enzo's promo or not and this week they turned it off halfway through...if they're going to do stuff deliberately just to annoy me I'll stop complaining about Shane McMahon in these things. I like the idea of this tag tournament ending at Payback but *ahem*, it would have been nice to have given New Day something to do during this time rather than have one of the most popular acts in the company do bugger all for a month.

Incredibly minor and petty point; John Cena's return is announced for "Memorial Day" I'M BRITISH I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

Segment #4 - Karl Anderson and Luke Gallows Vs The Usos

JBL points out this is one of WWE's best tag teams versus one of Japan's best tag team and is a "dream match", and you know what I kind of agree, it certainly feels a little wasted to blow on the go home Raw to a Pay-Per-View neither of these teams are officially on but at least it's related to Reigns Vs Styles. JBL goes on to say "people who don't win championships bitch about pushing boundaries" which was shortly followed by that awkward uncomfortable silence that's a regular occurrence on WWE commentary these days as Vince screams another chunk of free will out of the announcers' brains.

I liked the match itself, it went on a while and was about 85% Anderson and Gallows offence, even when the Usos get a hot tag their comeback gets cut off after about a minute.

With the Usos hosting a storyline injury it gives us a match and a strong debut for Anderson and Gallows without completely blowing off the match for good, we can look forward to a more competitive rematch sometime in the future, 

Anderson and Gallows get the win and continue the beatdown after the match, Reigns makes the save to massive boos and chases them off.

AJ Styles is interviewed, Anderson and Gallows interrupt and they all bro it up.

A nice little promo package is shown for Sami Zayn and Kevin Owen's story.

Segment #5 - Sami Zayn Vs Rusev

The League of Nations current role seems to be "Insert Heels Here". Need a heel opponent where it doesn't matter how crap they look after the match? TRY LEAGUE OF NATIONS.

Early into the match Michael Cole announces that Samoa Joe won the NXT Championship at a live event, and something about hearing Michael Cole say the words "Samoa Joe" flipped a switch in my brain and I'm no longer sure what dimension I'm in. I should probably go to bed.

Turns out this is an AMAZING matchup, Rusev throws Sami around like a ragdoll, Sami sells everything like he's been fired out of a cannon, then fires up so convincingly that he knocks Rusev down with a clothesline as Rusev sits up with a look on his face like he somehow got knocked over by the gust of a bumblebee's wings. After apparently getting killed about three times Sami gets a win off a rollup, Lana screws up throwing her shoes at him and Kevin Owens attacks him from behind.

Really liked the match, definitely want to see more of these two in the future.

Apollo Crews is interviewed for two seconds before he's interrupted by Stardust. There's something off with Apollo, I think he might be too nice of a guy in real life, like he has such a nice smile and comes off so friendly on television that my brain can't accept him as real. There's definitely something wrong when the guy in facepaint doing an impression of Mark Hamill's Joker crossed with Frank Gorshin's Riddler is coming off as more convincing.

Segment #6 - Apollo Crews Vs Stardust

It's kind of painful to watch how much Cody Rhodes has PERFECTED this Stardust persona but outside of that one match with Green Arrow man they've never done anything with it. I fear having Stardust as some weirdo jobber who only shows up every now and then is making people forget how good he is.

Anyway the match is exactly the same as all the other Apollo quick wins. MOVING ON.

Segment #7 - Dean Ambrose and Chris Jericho promo

OH MY GOD, Dean Ambrose actually did a real wrestling promo! Y'know, like one everyone has always known he was capable of but has never done on WWE television ever? It was crisp, clean, intense, didn't derail itself to awkwardly squeeze in awful pre-written jokes and got both guys and the match over. It's the closest Dean Ambrose has ever come to Jon Moxley. 

Dadicho comes out, berates Ambrose and demands an apology, Ambrose gives a quick response and they have a fight. Not so hot on Ambrose getting bested so easily and being put in the Walls of Jericho on the announce table, but he's probably winning at Payback (god, hopefully, RIP him if he doesn't). Otherwise, this was great, the kind of segment that reminds you this company is bursting with potentially entertaining talent that is constantly misused.

Segment #8 - Emma Vs Natalya

I skimmed this a bit because Charlotte was on commentary and life's too short, fortunately the match was too and Natalya beats Emma in a couple of minutes with the Sharpshooter. After the match Natalya goes after Charlotte but she hides behind Ric Flair, who has some kind of gash on his forehead for some reason, I imagine he was blading in the parking lot earlier in the day for a laugh.

They play a tribute video package to Chyna...which I have mixed feelings on.

I wasn't much of a fan of Chyna personally, I'm first and foremost a wrestling fan and uh...as a wrestler she wasn't great. Forcing her to work with a bunch of clearly uncomfortable men who pulled back all their offence led to mostly terrible matches. But she was a vital strong female presence in an era that desperately needed one, and to more casual non-jerk fans she was like an Amazon princess thriving in a sea of obnoxious dudebros. As far as WWE history goes she's an important figure who can't be ignored.

Which is why it grosses me out so much that that's totally what they've done for the past decade, with Triple H admitting that it was because of her personal issues and sex work. It's amazing that they've got over all that now that she's passed, and trended on social media so her stock has gone up. I don't know what to say really, it's not like it would be better if they continued to ignore her, but there's something so corporate and cynical about every aspect of this. 

Maybe it's just because I can't shake the feeling that maybe some acknowledgement by the company she contributed so much to could have helped her. 

Segment #9 - Baron Corbin Vs Damien Sandow

DAMIEN SANDOW ON RAW????...oh it's just a Corbin squash match, and he's back to his "Hallelujah" music so he's not going to be climbing out of this pit any time soon. Still got a decent crowd reaction though.

Oh well, the match doesn't even happen, Ziggler attacks Corbin on the ramp during his entrance and chases him off as the crowd chants for Sandow. I guess out of all the jobbers they could have dusted off they didn't HAVE to give the free TV time to Sandow of all people.

Segment #10 - The Miz, Maryse and Cesaro promo

The Miz berates Cesaro and all his nerdy fans. "*Points to crowd* That's what the Cesaro section looks like *points to Maryse* and this is what the Miz section looks like!" Money.

Cesaro comes out and there's a little James Bond spotlight on the lower tron...the commentators didn't acknowledge it so I don't know if that's a movie joke because Miz or if that's a new thing for him. Cesaro is great, and I certainly don't agree he's lacking in charisma, but having him go back and forth with the Miz on the microphone with these awful pre-written movie references is just bad.

He knocks out Miz with his launched uppercut thing which they're calling "Sudden Impact" now, with the height he gets on it I'd call it Sudden Impact EX myself, he's definitely pressing two punches.

Segment #11 - Roman Reigns Vs Alberto Del Rio

Reigns comes out and gets booed, but they immediately cut to him hanging out with disabled kids during his entrance to make everyone feel back. God, I don't even know how cynical to say this is, John Cena does tons of charity work but I don't ever remember him hugging cancer kids during his entrance in front of the special "hug cancer kids" camera with the "FUCK CANCER" graphic on the screen to null his crowd reactions. Oh well if that was the intention everyone started booing him again when he got into the ring.

Having flashbacks to Batista Vs Del Rio at Elimination Chamber 2014 here, although people were a lot more passionate about that. My least favourite thing about Raw right now is I'm never sure whether they're muting the crowd audio or if people are genuinely that indifferent. 

The match is exactly what you'd expect until Anderson and Gallows come out during the match. They distract Roman, Del Rio gets a roll up, Roman kicks out and then immediately just wins the match giving you a preview of a finish that would cause riots in Chicago. Anderson and Gallows go to attack Reigns, AJ comes out and tells them to back off, Reigns hits a Superman Punch on AJ, fights off Anderson and Gallows then AJ hits a Phenomenal Forearm on Reigns. Well put together little sequence to close the show.

Closing Thoughts

I think all of these recaps from the past couple of weeks can be summed up with "the bits where the talent are wrestling or doing their own thing are good, the bits where twats try to win an Emmy for screenwriting it all falls apart". It's weird, these shows have been much more simple in a way I really appreciate, basic segments and matches all with a clear purpose to build towards something else, so in that environment the god awful writing and sanitised overproduced commentary and presentation grate more than ever. 

This show did a decent job for building for Payback but only because Payback isn't exactly a show that's going to set the world on fire either way. It's WWE hitting the reset button and getting pieces in place for the future, but with that said AJ Vs Reigns has intrigue, we've been told why we should care about Jericho/Amrose and Zayn/Owens aside from them being probably good matches and there's a vague promise that after Payback the situation with Shane McMahon will finally make some bloody sense.

RATING: Thumbs mostly up, at about One Vs All o' clock.

Raw Recap 18th April, 2016 - Join The Club

Monday Night Raw comes LIVE (citation needed) from London, England, and I wasn't there because I'm too poor...also I'm waiting for Reigns to stay champion for another year so I can go to a show without having to deal with crowds...so here's this week's Raw Recap LIVE from my bedroom!

Segment #1 - Ambrose Asylum with Shane McMahon

I know I shouldn't but I always feel like being generous to any Raw show that doesn't start with a 20 minute promo from an authority figure. So I was excited to see Dean Ambrose kick off the show with his new segment, then he calls out his guest Shane McMah...ACK, THEY TRICKED ME.

So Shane O'Mac is in charge for the third week in a row for no adequately explained reason. Dean Ambrose puts over how wild Shane McMahon's bump was at Wrestlemania because that's where the money is, put Ambrose in the ring with Shane so everyone knows who the REAL star is. Shane talks about how his era is all about the fans...so I guess we're supposed to forget about all that stuff about him taking over the company for future McMahon generations.

Kevin Owens comes out and gets in Shane's face. Sami Zayn comes out and gets his music cuts off which doesn't stop London from singing along with it anyway. Chris Jericho follows who perhaps gets the biggest pop of all because here in the UK we love drunk dads. Shane makes Jericho Vs Ambrose and Owens Vs Zayn for Payback (although he forgets to mention the show at first so I was confused about whether they were Raw matches or not), a huge brawl breaks out where Zayn and Ambrose attack each others opponents for some reason, then we come back from commercial with Zayn Vs Jericho.

Segment #2 - Sami Zayn Vs Chris Jericho

I don't even think WWE made any acknowledgement that this is a rematch from Smackdown, at least they've stopped rubbing salt into the wound. The match was a lot better than their Smackdown one anyway, if mostly due to the lack of distraction from the Owens/Ambrose clown show on commentary. Sami hits his tornado DDT on the outside, Jericho gets the ref between them back in the ring, manages to rake the eyes and hit the codebreaker for the win.

Mauro Ranallo (!!!) interviews AJ Styles, it's interrupted almost immediately by Gallows and Anderson (!!!!!!) and they all buddy up. Nothing against this segment on its own merits but it's one of those weird wrestling things, have Styles and these guys seriously not spoke or bumped into each other since they showed up on Raw last week?

Segment #3 - TAG TOURNAMENT SEMI FINAL: SAWFT Vs The Dudley Boyz

I wish WWE would make their minds up whether SAWFT's music is going to play during Enzo's pre-match speech or not. These guys are ridiculously over for dudes who have only been on the main roster for a couple of weeks and London ate up their shtick completely.

The crowd loves SAWFT so much all their Enzo chants seem to be distracting them from watching the actual match. Enzo pretty much gets beat down for the entirety of the beginning of the match, the Dudleys do a great job smack talking him and Enzo does a great job of being the scrappy small guy who won't stay down. Eventually he gets the hot tag to Cass who runs wild for about a minute, Bubba accidentally hits D-Von, eats a big boot and a Rocket Launcher for a surprisingly clean win for SAWFT. 

Segment #4 - Roman Reigns and AJ Styles promo

I don't know whether to give credit to WWE for not muting the boos for Reigns on a taped episode or point out they were probably too loud for them to have a choice.

Roman Reigns comes out and OH MY GOD HE ACTUALLY USES THAT "I'M NOT A GOOD GUY I'M NOT A BAD GUY I'M THE GUY" LINE AGAIN THAT'S NOT A CATCHPHRASE JESUS CHRIST.

Roman talks about beating AJ Styles at Payback and also talks about the new era of WWE. As not great as his mic work is this could definitely work for a heel champion! The chosen by the old guard good looking bodybuilder WWE Champion holding down the fort against all the indie darlings. 

AJ Styles comes out and says he thinks Roman is one heck of a champion which was possibly the only thing he could do or say to get booed in London. He says he's going to have the match of his life at Payback and walk out champion. Reigns gets booed the second he puts his the mic to his lips before he can even respond, he says he'd rather be respected with the title than liked without it. This wasn't badly scripted but neither of these guys are particularly comfortable reading scripts soooo...it was okay.

As AJ leaves the ring Anderson and Gallows beat down Reigns to THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE and AJ looks on confused. I know WWE were after the trademark but I can't believe how quickly and heavily they're pushing THESE GUYS ARE BULLET CLUB.

After commerical AJ comes up to Reigns backstage and says he had nothing to do with that. Reigns says he doesn't believe him and says BRING ALL YOUR FRIENDS ONE VERSUS ALL which I guess is his other crap non-catchphrase. Why didn't Roman just punch him? 

Segment #5 - Baron Corbin Vs Fandango

Sorry I didn't watch it, I'm not sitting through a squash match with Dolph Ziggler on commentary. I skipped to the end and Dolph was knocked out on the floor and Corbin's music was playing so I guess he won.

Segment #6 - Miz TV with Cesaro

DEAR AMERICAN WRESTLERS: WE AREN'T THAT EMOTIONAL ABOUT THE ROYAL FAMILY, ESPECIALLY NOT THE AUDIENCE FOR WRESTLING, STOP KNOCKING THEM FOR HEAT.

So Miz goes for the low hanging fruit of heat and fails, but the crowd loves Cesaro anyway so he still gets a huge pop when he comes out. Cesaro looks rad in a suit but it does kind of make him look like a No 1 Henchman rather than a superstar. Miz does some lines from Taken, Cesaro does some lines from They Live, Miz says he'd love to fight Cesaro tonight but he's already scheduled for a match tonight...which is the same trick he pulled on Smackdown. 

The League of Nations comes down to the ring, Cesaro says he spoke to Shane McMahon and got the match changed to the League and Miz versus himself and The New Day...ripping off his suit to reveal his Booty-O vest. Wouldn't the League have had to walk past the New Day holding microphones waiting for their cue when they came out...ah who cares. 

Segment #7 - League of Nations and The Miz Vs The New Day and Cesaro

I don't know what happened to the show here, random 8 man tag matches aren't exactly the most exciting thing but for some reason the energy of the show plummeted here. The announcers sounded like their blood sugar was running a little low, many now that Lawler's not on the team any more they ran out of Mountain Dew. 

Things pick up when Cesaro gets the hot tag, and it really is a thing of beauty to get Cesaro running from pillar to post hitting uppercuts on everyone in sight. Everyone runs in and hits a big move on someone else, cllimaxing with Cesaro hitting the Neutraliser on Sheamus for the win. The good guys celebrate their win with the superstar guests of honour JAMES CORDEN'S PARENTS!!!!

Charlotte is interviewed by Mauro "Already better than the geeks they normally get to do this oh my god please fire Jojo" Ranallo about cheating against Natalya last week. Charlotte laughs it off, Natalya comes over and says Shane McMahon has given her a rematch at Payback...and Bret Hart will be in her corner.

I won't pretend I'm not kind of looking forward to seeing some Hart/Flair shenanigans at the Pay-Per-View, but it kind of sucks that it's going to overshadow the match...and the fact this is basically the only reason Natalya is getting this shot instead of Sasha. 

Segment #8 - Natalya, Paige, Sasha Banks and Becky Lynch Vs Naomi, Tamina, Summer Rae and Charlotte

Sounds like it was physically painful for Lillian Garcia to pronounce "Norwich" properly when Paige came out. Not sure why Emma isn't in this match considering she's feuding with Becky (I think?) and beat Paige on Smackdown last week, I guess she's not on this tour.

Not sure why they put two random 8-person tag matches in a row, these matches are impossible to care about when they just happen out of nowhere. Natalya gets the win for her team and that's basically all you need to know...and even that's debatable. 

Segment #9 - TAG TOURNAMENT SEMI FINALS - Vaudevillains Vs The Usos

The Vaudevillains have this weird remix of their theme now, I guess if they're heels they don't want people clapping along with their entrance but it's jarring when they keep doing their old entrance that was synced up with their old music.

I'm a huge Usos apologist, I think their shtick is really fun and I hope the Bullet Club stuff and a bunch of new teams to work with puts some fire back in them. Even this match was a breath of fresh air compared to their recent performances even if the crowd wasn't that into it. The Usos are supposed to be injured from the Gallows and Anderson beatdown last week, so the Vaudevillains take advantage of that to get the win. 

The finals are now SAWFT Vs The Vaudevillains in what has been a pretty decently booked tournament, letting two new teams rise to the top...and also letting one of the established tag teams get taken out by another brand new team who aren't even in the tournament. 

They play a hype video for Apollo Crews, if there's anyone in the recent Raw call ups that Vince will "get" it's this guy.

Segment #10 - Apollo Crews Vs Heath Slater

If Heath wins Apollo has to join the Social Outcasts OH THE TENSION IT COULD GO EITHER WAY. 

I don't think WWE has put this show together very well, they put the Bullet Club stuff way too early in the show and having two random 8-person matches followed by another tag match followed by THIS has pretty much sucked the life out of the crowd. 

Same as the other matches for Apollo, he gets beaten down for a little bit, hits all his signature moves at the end of the match and wins. Movviiinnnggg on.

Segment #11 - Dean Ambrose Vs Kevin Owens

This reminds me of the good old days of UK exclusive Pay-Per-Views where WWE would try and make a good impression of international markets by putting on the best matches possible, so here's Owens Vs Ambrose because we know they'll put on a show. 

Again though, something just took the crowd out of this show, they weren't completely silent but they weren't really into it either, there was even some random JBL chants during this (twats). Dean Ambrose gets a clean win on Owens with Dirty Deeds but...nobody really cares, which is a shame because it was a good match. 

Afterwards Jericho hits the Codebreaker on Ambrose to close out the show...which is a weird decision also. Surprised they have enough faith in this barely started Ambrose/Jericho feud to close the show with it and put both guys over the much more interesting Owens/Zayn feud.

Closing Thoughts

Not a bad Raw but my god did the energy get sucked out of it about halfway through. You could genuinely take the exact same show and rearrange the order of the segments and I think it would have worked better. Just putting the Bullet Club stuff in between the two 8-person tags would have gone a lot better. Considering there was no real follow up to that on this show there's no reason that couldn't have been positioned later than it was.

WWE know that they're on a fresh start after basically hitting the reset button on the show after Wrestlemania so nothing is going to be SUPER HOT right now, so they're putting together a card for Payback that...actually sounds like a fun wrestling show with good matches, and a Chicago crowd will probably be all over that so fair enough. 

One last thing though, the commentary for this show was EVEN WORSE than usual, which I didn't think was possible. I don't know if whether they were jetlagged, JBL gave up, Byron Saxton is just really that bad or a combination of all three but they went back and forth between stumbling through sound bites and their own clichés and sounding barely awake. God awful, WWE if you're serious about taking this show in a new direction please put an exclamation mark on it by getting a new announce team...get ANYONE.

RATING: A single thumb up, with a finger pointing forward

Raw Recap 11th April, 2016 - The Second W

Welcome to the probably more delirious than usual Raw recap for the week because I've been awake all night editing Uncharted footage.

LET'S GO!

Segment #1 - Shane McMahon promo

Oh my god, Shane McMahon is in charge again this week because of "overwhelming social media support." 

Can you believe Wrestlemania 32 was only a week ago? It may as well have been a decade ago for all the difference it made. The three big feuds from the show have all stopped with no rematches planned for the next Pay-Per-View, which I think is a first since 2003 where Kurt Angle was ruined and Steve Austin retired. Let's recap this shall we:

- Zack Ryder gets a surprise win in the Intercontinental title ladder match, loses it the next night
- Jericho gets a win over AJ Styles, AJ becomes the No 1 Contender the next night anyway
- Charlotte beats Becky Lynch in a triple threat match while Ric Flair holds Sasha back...for some reason Charlotte's next challenger is Natalya.
- Dean Ambrose loses to Brock Lesnar and looks like a complete chump, we probably won't see Brock again until the Summer.
- Shane McMahon loses to the Undertaker, gets control of Raw the next night anyway.
- Roman Reigns beats Triple H, Triple H disappears and Roman seems to be playing a completely different role the next night.

I hated Wrestlemania 32 but it's nice to see the company actually agrees with me, you get the feeling if they had the capacity to be more honest they'd release a press release saying "look we're sorry, we wrote ourselves into a corner with the Reigns thing and all our other plans got screwed up by injuries, we couldn't just NOT do Wrestlemania y'know?"

Anyway charisma vacuum comes down to the ring and announces a tag team tournament starting tonight, Charlotte Vs Natalya for the Women's Championship and Sami Zayn Vs AJ styles where Zayn gets added to the WWE Championship match at Payback if he wins.

Kevin Owens comes out and complains about the opportunities Zayn is getting, then suddenly decides he cares about the Intercontinental Championship again and demands Shane for his rematch. Shane says Owens needs to earn it (???) and he'll get a title shot if he can beat Cesaro. 

Segment #2 - Kevin Owens Vs Cesaro

The apparently "lacking in charisma" Cesaro gets a standing ovation for showing off during a standing headlock. Kevin Owens is in top form tonight, throwing temper tantrums at referee, the commentators and the crowd, all while concentrating on Cesaro's recently repaired shoulder. After a great match Cesaro counters a Pop Up Powerbomb attempt into a Neutralizer for the win, Cesaro looks as confused and surprised as anyone else that he had a great match on Raw and actually won it. 

Miz and Maryse are watching on backstage, Cesaro is now the No 1 Contender, not sure when that match is actually happening but it looks like Zack Ryder is completely out of the picture.

Charlotte is complaining backstage to her dad that she has to defend her Women's title tonight. Tonight's guest Dr. Phil comes over (I barely know who that is) and tells Charlotte to stop cheating in all her matches. Well done for not doing an unbearable comedy segment with the celebrity guest for once I guess, this guy didn't come off as natural or understanding what he was talking about at all.

Kevin Owens is seen ranting at Shane McMahon, he says whatever happens to Sami Zayn tonight is on him. Shane says he's not going to be threatened and tells Kevin Owens to get dressed and be escorted from the building.

Segment #3 - Lucha Dragons Vs The Dudley Boyz

New Day come out and introduce the tag team tournament (sponsored by Booty O cereal, even the tournament bracket graphics).

The show goes to commercial during the entrances and comes back in with the doctors looking over Kalisto on the outside of the ring who took a nasty bump over the top rope and appears to have hurt his collar bone or something. Bubba does what Bubba does best and tries to keep people invested in the match by shouting a lot.

There's an awkward finish where the Dudleys seem to briefly forget their own finisher, set it up again to hit it and then forget which one of them is legal. Kalisto never got back into the match, I'm sure the Dudleys were booked to win anyway but that's still unfortunate. 

After the match Enzo and Cass hit the ramp and cut another promo on the Dudleys. If Enzo and Cass win their tournament match they face the Dudleys in the next round.

Segment #4 - Roman Reigns promo

Actual Michael Cole Dialogue - "Roman Reigns defeated Triple H in a match at Wrestlemania that was...all over the place."

Look dubyadubs I understand you're not happy with the crowd reactions this guy gets, but if he's getting booed just let him getting booed. It's better to have your champion go out and be passionately booed than muting the audio so it looks like noone cares. Reigns hits the ring and does that "I'm a good guy, I'm not a bad guy I'M THE GUY" line again for the third show in a row THAT'S NOT A CATCHPHRASE that's a line that's okay to say once. It's the kind of dribble wrestlers say in real interviews when they're trying to dodge questions about unusual crowd reactions.  

Mercifully Roman gets his promo cut short again...to be interrupted by the League of Nations...christ. Please get rid of this group so Rusev can be set free. At least they keep it short too, Roman calls them all down to the ring for a fight, as soon as they get in the Wyatts show up and fight off the League. 

Actual Michael Cole Dialogue - "THE WYATTS HAVE HAD THEIR ISSUES WITH THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS" Issues? They attacked them last week for apparently no reason.

Roman and the Wyatts stand in the ring together, Shane McMahon comes out and announces two League members Vs Roman and Bray in the main event. So, now that Dean Ambrose's stock has dropped they're going to try and make the Wyatts popularity rub off on Reigns instead? WE'LL SEE.

Segment #5 - WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP - Charlotte Vs Natalya 

Dr Phil is at ringside for this, still barely know who he is. 

Everyone knows Natalya is great but she gets to wrestle on television so infrequently it's still weirdly surprising whenever you see her, Charlotte is still getting better, she's looked infinitely better the past couple of months than she did during the Bella matches. There's not a lot to this story but these gals managed to get this otherwise not particularly loud crowd into the match at the end.

Natalya has Charlotte beat in the sharpshooter, Naitch pulls the referee out of the ring who calls for the bell as Charlotte is tapping...to call for the disqualification. Look, I get why they do these finishes, it gets a rise out of the live crowd every time, but it looks so silly on television, you'd think the referees would be smart enough not to fall this obvious cheat...especially when someone is tapping out within his eyeline.

Michael Cole confirms Kevin Owens is out of the building as they recap him powerbombing Zayn through a table last week.

Sami Zayn is interviewed about his match with AJ Styles tonight, he says he didn't come this far to lose. AJ Styles says he's the only No 1 Contender and he plans on keeping it that way.

Segment #6 - The Usos Vs Curtis Axel and Heath Slater

This is a first round match in the Booty-O tournament, Social Outcasts get a little bit of offence in but the Usos get a quick win off a roll up.

Then Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson come out of nowhere looking like two bald guys in plain t-shirt, and leave looking like total badasses. They beat up the Usos with "Bullet Club" chants popping off in the Staples Center.

"Nice place you got here" - Karl Anderson.

Michael Cole actually mentions New Japan by name and brings up their three IWGP tag team championship wins.

Miz and Maryse are interviewed in their private lounge about the upcoming title match with Cesaro,. Miz is so so good in this role. Cesaro comes in and spouts some cheesy puns about acting that some chump wrote for him. Their match is at Payback.

Segment #7 - NO 1 CONTENDERSHIP - AJ Styles Vs Sami Zayn

It should be illegal for any of Sami Zayn's entrance to be cut from television. Michael Cole mentions that Payback is in Chicago OH GOD I'm so sorry Roman Reigns, have fun wrestling AJ Styles there. 

This is the first match these two have had, normally I don't like them giving away these matches on Raw with no build but this is a great matchup between two guys who are highly unlikely to have a feud any time soon so fair enough. Shame it's not the main event though. 

These guys are so smooth, even when it looks like things go wrong they make it look like they meant to do it. There's one awkward spot near the finish when Sami was supposed to land on his feet getting thrown off the top rope but it looked like he landed on his head, but the crowd was into it enough where they got away with it. AJ Styles gets a win off his flying forearm which they seem to be selling as a finisher since there's no way he's hitting the Clash on Reigns.

The match was a bit on the "exchange of big moves" side of things but it was a great match for television.

Sami and AJ are talking about their match after the commercial, Shane McMahon comes over and thanks them for their performance. 

Segment #8 - Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel

Jericho  says this Highlight Reel will have his biggest guest ever...himself. He goes on about how great he is until he hits his line about no one in the WWE being able to touch him which is Ambrose's cue to hit the ring. I feel like I should clarify my stance on Ambrose since I realise I'm starting to sound like one of those insufferable twats on the internet who complain about someone being "buried" because they didn't win every match.

Dean Ambrose is pushed as a "lunatic" who is unpredictable and indestructible. In his last two main event matches Triple H beat him clean by predicting him and Brock Lesnar beat him clean by destroying him with one F-5...where Ambrose didn't even use the two weapons they advertised for the match. Nothing establishes you harder as "midcard slub" harder than failing to live up to your own moniker, I learned that from Professor Dolph Ziggler.

Ambrose says the Highlight Reel is now the Ambrose Asylum and jokes around with cardboard signs, speeding tickets and ties and so on. Jericho tries to bully him out of the ring and eats some Dirty Deeds for his efforts. 

There was a backstage segment with Dr Phil with Truth and Goldust but I skipped ahead as soon as they came on screen.

Segment #9 - Apollo Crews Vs Adam Rose

Well on a night of strong competitive matches we've got to get in a few squashes, Social Outcasts are actually doing a good job in their role of the roster's punching bag. Adam Rose controls a lot of the match, then Apollo hits all his fancy moves for the win.

The announce team put over Apollo Crews, then they show a video package for Baron Corbin. Nice!

Bray Wyatt cuts one of his typical cryptic promos before the main event...adding "don't wory Roman, you can trust me!" Hey! A Bray promo that had a comprehensible point!

Segment #10 - Alberto Del Rio and Sheamus Vs Bray Wyatt and Roman Reigns

Really? You put the League in another Raw main event and Rusev isn't even one of the guys in the ring?

Bray tags in Roman early in the match, there's a visible small portion of the audience cheering for Roman which causes the rest of the arena to erupt into boos. The match is as basic as Raw tags get, Roman gets beaten down and Bray gets the hot tag and it all turns into chaos at the end. It is interesting to see Bray work as a face, although WWE already have a major problem with a lack of heels, but then again it's not like the Wyatts have ever really been heels. 

Rusev almost causes Bray to lose the match, Bray survive the interference and the remaining Wyatt members hit the ring to take out Rusev. Bray hits Sister Abigail on Del Rio as Roman spears Sheamus for the win. They stare at each other after the match as the show goes off the air.

The crowd was into Bray, but even when both guys were fighting together they would jeer at anything Roman did so he came out of this looking bad anyway. 

Closing Thoughts

Not the best main event for this show, WWE were banking on the fact Bray and Roman teaming up would make an otherwise run of the mill tag match interesting and...it really didn't.

The rest of the show was good though, not only were there 3 strong matches but they all had points to them in terms of championships. Normally when you get a good match on Raw it's something like Cesaro having a 20 minute match with Cena for no reason that never gets brought up again. 

Frankly, looking back over the show the only stuff that wasn't good all involved Reigns! Moving forward WWE seem to have Wrestlemania firmly in the rear view mirror and are moving ahead which is definitely for the best. You get the feeling WWE right now are moving around their pieces for something bigger later, but as long as the shows are still decent now then more power to them.

RATING: THUMBS UP 

Raw Recap April 4th - PLEASE Ignore the Crowd

The Raw Recap returns! After wallowing in their past during one of the strangest Wrestlemanias ever, can the WWE make a positive statement about their future in front of a surely excitable post-Mania crowd? WE'LL SEE.

"A Wrestlemania hangover? NO WAY! It's party time!" - Actual Michael Cole dialogue. 

The bizarre decisions from Wrestlemania continue as the show begins with a disclaimer about the crowd, basically telling people "don't worry about the crowd they're a bunch of weirdos please ignore the boos Reigns will get".

Segment #1  - Vince McMahon promo

"How about that Wrestlemania huh?" - A mixed reaction.

"We have a new WWE Champion..." - UNCONTROLLABLE BOOS

"Shane jumped off that Cell..." - HUGE cheers, okay not entirely on board with this crowd yet. They did chant "No Chance in Hell" along with Vince's music so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. 

Shane limps out to the stage and thanks the crowd for the reaction he got for nearly killing himself in front of his children. The crowd chants "You Still Got It!" and again I agree! Just like the old days he had a really bad match punctuated with a ridiculous bump that hurt the actual wrestlers on the roster who can't follow it! To get a fresh shitpost in on top of that old one, the reason Shane left the company in the first place because he fell out of line to run the business because he was bad at creative.

But never mind that, for basically no reason Vince decides to let Shane run Raw for the night. So maybe actual good stuff with happen, but don't worry it's all wrong because it's Shane doing it and the crowd are only enjoying it because they're weirdos. Your regularly scheduled programming will return next week.

Segment #2 - TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP - New Day Vs Sheamus and Wade Barrett 

New Day cut their promo while Xavier wears a piece of Booty O cereal over his unicorn horn with is phallic even for them, I suspect the only reason they keep getting away with this is because it all goes over Vince's head.

League of Nations comes out and gets massive boos. Hey WWE, are you going to explain why the international crowd of weirdos still hate the boring foreign heel group?

The crowd doesn't mess around and immediately gets into waves and "We Are Awesome" chants, an actually awesome crowd would come up with their own stuff. The match itself was about as standard as these things get, New Day gets a quick comeback at the end and retains the titles.

New Day leaves and Sheamus starts cutting a promo about how dominant the League of Nations should be, there's something wrong and you're only as strong as your weakest link. Rusev and Del Rio grab Wade and Sheamus brogue kicks him. Then for some reason the Wyatts show up and beat up the rest of the League. JBL says the Wyatt Family are making a statement, not much of a statement after Sheamus just talked about how the League wasn't as strong as it should be and kicked out a member.

I hope this is only a squash as they move on to something else, as bad as the Rock/Cena stuff was at Wrestlemania I don't think that buried them as hard as an extended feud with the League of Nations would.

Vince is interviewed as he gets into his limo to leave the arena, he says he doesn't want to be here when the ship goes down because of Shane. Why did you put him in charge then? To make a point? At the expense of your own show? Christ, maybe the Roman "political hit" theory is true.

Segment #3 - Summer Rae Vs Sasha Banks

Summer Rae talks smack about Sasha, Sasha's music hits and she stands on the ramp with a "Really???" look on her face, swaggers down to the ring, grabs the mic and says "You seem to have forgotten Summer, I'm Sasha Banks, and I'm STILL THE BOSS" complete with a slap to the face. 100% perfect, more of this please.

It's a competitive match but Sasha makes quick work of Summer. 

Segment #4 - Apollo Crews Vs Tyler Breeze

Poor Tyler, he escaped to the main roster and he's still having to make all the NXT stars look good. Tyler gets a few licks in but it's basically Apollo showing off all his cool moves and flips with a quick pin off the spinout powerbomb.

Segment #5 - Roman Reigns promo

Oh god, when they announced this segment was next I had the same feeling in my stomach as when Shane was standing on top of that Cell. The announcers remind us to ignore the crowd they're just booing the good guys because they're hipster jerks, I wonder if they're going to start giving that disclaimer on every Raw Reigns gets booed on...y'know...most of them.

Reigns mercifully keeps it short and calls out anyone who wants the championship. Jericho tries to get control of the crowd but they're not having it and simply chant "We are Idiots!" 

Jericho says he buried AJ Styles and he wants a title shot, AJ Styles comes down to the ring and points at the title to a good reaction, Kevin Owens' music hits and gets a ROAR from the crowd, followed by Zayn, the crowd sings along with his music which is becoming one of the most infectious things in wrestling. Reigns stands in the middle of all four guys and laughs them off, Owens and Zayn immediately go into that punching spot they like as they can't help themselves, Jericho drops Styles over the top rope and Jericho gets speared to astounding boos. 

Decent segment to establish challengers for Reigns, presenting him as a fighting champion but also a dismissive jerk to the indie favourites was probably the best they could do on this show.

Backstage Shane McMahon tells Reigns there's going to be a fatal four way no 1 contender's match between those four guys in the main event.

Segment #6 - Baron Corbin Vs Dolph Ziggler

"For those of you who don't know who I am...I don't care" Brilliant first line for Corbin on Raw.

Crowd's not sure how to react to Corbin, I mean he is from NXT which makes him objectively great, but he's also a big football guy which means he's objectively bad, WHAT'S A SMARK TO DO? They're also being distracted by something but I can't tell from the TV broadcast what it is.

The match ends with Corbin booting Ziggler over the barrier and both guys getting counted out, Corbin gets mad and hits the End of Days out on the floor. 

Segment #7 - INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP - Zack Ryder Vs The Miz

Ryder gets a pretty tepid reaction considering it's this crowd, but they chant "You Deserve It!" at him anyway. Ryder talks about how Wrestlemania was the greatest night of his life, he shows a picture of Scott Hall letting him hold his Intercontinental Championship, then as he swaps it for a modern picture of Scott Halls holding HIS Intercontinental Championship the camera cuts to a cardboard cut out of Colt Cabana for some reason. He also thanks his dad who's still more jacked than he is.

The criminally underrated Miz comes out and so far has been the only heel to gain control of this crowd. He challenges Ryder to a supposedly spontaneous Intercontinental title match which explains why they muted Lillian's mic when she accidentally announces this as one as Ryder came down to the ring. 

These guys have what is easily the best match of the night so far, I know both these guys are good but Miz jobs so much and Ryder performs so infrequently that there's still part of my brain that's surprised. Miz punks out Ryder's dad and gets pushed down, then his real life wife Maryse comes out of the crowd and slaps Ryder's dad, Zack is distracted and eats a Skull Crushing Finale to lose the title.

I suspected Ryder would lose the title tonight but I didn't think it'd be to the Miz, who's won so many midcard title belts now he's probably takes swims in his vault of them. 

Kevin Owens is interviewed, it's looking like he's just going to forget about the Intercontinental title.

A promo for the Vaudevillains is aired, who are debuting!!!!!!!

On Smackdown......

Segment #8 - Women's Championship Presentation

Lita is in the ring with the entire women's division to present the new belt to Charlotte, Becky looks really beat up and has a nasty gash on her face. Charlotte comes down to the ring and the crowd immediately starts chanting for Bayley, Michael Cole quickly interjects that "Bayley is not here". Charlotte seems genuinely tickled by the support for Bayley and almost fell apart in her promo because of the crowd.

Charlotte manages to get it together and starts talking about how much more she's accomplished than all the other women. Everyone sulks off apart from Natalya who challenges her to another match, Charlotte refuses so Natalya puts her in the sharpshooter, Ric Flair puts her out of the ring. Crowd expected a debut and didn't get one, then I think they expected Bret when Natalya's own siren went off, they got neither and they weren't happy about it.

AJ Styles is interviewed about the fatal four way. 

A promo airs for the Colons who are debuting a new gimmick.

Segment #9 - TABLES MATCH - The Usos Vs The Dudley Boyz

Something goes wrong with the Usos mic during their entrance, WWE must be anxious right now and ready to mute the audio whenever Samoans are involved. Shane McMahon supposedly put this match together which seems like a waste of this angle, the whole point was the Dudleys' wanted nothing to do with tables, throwing them straight into the tables match the night after their first match with no build is bad storytelling.

The crowd certainly lost interest in the match early and they go firmly into random chants mode. They chant for "Jordan Jordan Gable Gable" so Michael Cole claims "they're chanting get the tables!" Seriously?

The Usos both splash themselves through two tables and the bell is rung for some reason even though that doesn't count. D-Von throws Uso 2 through another table and then they actually win, with Bubba screaming "NOW YOU RING THE BELL! NOW WE WON!"

Sami Zayn is interviewed about the fatal four way, you can still hear Bubba screaming at the ringside area on the arena audio. Amazing. Kevin Owens attacks Sami from behind and powerbombs him through a table which I imagine will take him out of the match. Um, if you're going to do an angle with tables...maybe don't do it directly after the TABLES MATCH?????

Segment #10 - SAWFT and Dudleys promo

The Dudleys are still out at ringside raving and ranting at people, the crowd were expecting SAWFT to show up at some point all night so distracting them with the backstage promo was a good call. Enzo goes on a long rant on the Dudleys and they get all their lines in with the crowd chanting along on every syllable. Great debut for them and the Dudleys are perfect first opponents.

It's confirmed Sami Zayn is out of the fatal four way and will be replaced by someone else.

Segment #11 - NO 1 CONTENDERS MATCH - Kevin Owens Vs AJ Styles Vs Chris Jericho Vs Cesaro

Lillian announces Zayn will be replaced by Cesaro, Cesaro shows up on the ramp in a suit and breaks out that Rock tech by tearing it off to reveal his ring gear. 

As Raw main events go this is pretty much perfect. Everyone got their stuff in, everyone looked great, it didn't throw main event angles away on television for no reason, and it advanced storylines. Owens took Zayn out of the match for their feud with opened the door for Cesaro who looked like superman throughout and Jericho failed to beat AJ at a crucial point. Styles wins which was a surprising choice considering Cesaro's return and him still being 2-2 with Jericho, but Styles/Reigns is an interesting match for the first title defence.

And who would have guessed it, this "weird" crowd stayed invested in the entire thing throughout because it was actually good, funny how that works.

Closing Thoughts

Considering the trainwreck of baffling decisions that was Wrestlemania this was enjoyably simple, good debuts, a good Intercontinental title match and a strong main event. The crowd this year was kind of tiresome, half the time they were chanting stuff just for the sake of being the "post-Mania crowd" and there wasn't a lot of funny chants or genuinely great reactions. But again, it did at least add to the main event.

Then again I feel any praise for the show has to come with the asterisk of all those "ignore the crowd" disclaimers because that was truly bizarre. It's hard to use this show as any indicator of things to come, they kept Reigns off it for the most part on purpose and uncharacteristically piled all the internet favourites into the main event. 

God, who starts their wrestling show with the announcers saying directly into the camera IGNORE THE CROWD THEY WILL CHANT STUFF WE DON'T CARE ABOUT AND ISN'T NORMAL.

That's so weird.

RATING: I'm British so I'm afraid I can't trust my international thumbs, normal service will return next week.