When "catharsis" was revealed to be topic of this particular edition of the Critical Distance Blogs of the Round Table I initially thought I would have to sit this round out or show myself up for the hack that I truly up. The last time I entered a blog into BoRT I annoyed Alan Williamson by implying the Sega Mega Drive controller was a bit rubbish, imagine how much I could screw up a topic that requires discussion of emotional release and problem solving. When I actually sat down and thought about it however, I realised how perfect of a topic this is for me. Videogames have been a source of catharsis for me my entire life, and ever since online gaming became a major thing they've probably become the main source.
In order to get you up to speed regarding myself ASAP here's a little nugget of information; I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Actually, "borderline" is considered to be a little bit of an old hat term these days, apparently the more modern term of choice is "Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder". CHRIST. As if the stigma regarding mental health issues wasn't bad enough! Even I want kind of wanted to lock myself up after hearing that for the first time. Anyway, before you call the cops on me here's a passage taken from the Wikipedia page on BPD just in case you don't know what it is:
"...symptoms usually include intense fears of abandonment and intense anger and irritability, the reason for which others have difficulty understanding. People with BPD often engage in idealization and devaluation of others, alternating between high positive regard and great disappointment."The short version of that particular passage is "I don't deal with people well." As I've "matured" (if you can even call it that) I've found far more comfort in spending a lot of time by myself. That's not to say I don't care about people, in fact I would probably be a lot happier if I didn't, but I have to make sure I don't put myself in situations where I don't get overwhelmed by them. By far the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life was to move in with FIVE other people during my third year of university. Yes, I can't believe it either, FIVE of them. The truth is they were five decently well-mannered people, but to me it was like living inside a mosh pit for a year. I mean, what if I'm having a day were I'll just scream if I see a real human being and I need to go to the bathroom? I have to assess the situation so my morning schedule doesn't clash with FIVE other people, or do what I actually did which was to deliberately ruin my sleep patterns and be awake to go to the bathroom at 3/4 in the morning instead. This really didn't have anything to do with the particular people I was living with, it's just the fact that they were people.
This is where online videogames come in; assuming that most people you're playing with aren't using microphones (and I've been predominately a PS3 player this generation, so they're relatively rare) most online games involve two or more people interacting with each other purely through an avatar. Granted, people still find ways to act like a dick through these limitations, whether it's rage-quitting, teabagging or sending over some hate mail, but the point is they are mostly stripped of their humanity within this environment. What I'm saying is, no matter how big of a jerk you are online, I'm far less likely to get stressed out by a Nathan Drake avatar thrusting at me than a real human being.
I find it helpful that there is always an opportunity for me to interact with other people without the need to engage with them intellectually or emotionally. I go through semi-regular periods of withdrawal, where it's just best for me to lock myself in a dark room and get on with whatever needs getting on with, but it's important to not completely detach yourself from the world. And hey, it's the topic of the roundtable and it's been tiptoed around so far so I'll just come out and say it; it's pretty cathartic to be able to shoot people in the face when you're having a bad day.
It doesn't always work though; game choice is pretty important depending on what mood I'm in. For example, I'm pretty fond of The Last of Us' multiplayer, it definitely feels like a tacked on feature in a lot of ways but there genuinely are a lot of really neat ideas in it. The problem, or rather the complication for me, is that these neat ideas are mostly based around the idea of working together as a team, which involves trusting other people. There's a mode in it called "Interrogation", which is basically the game's equivalent of capture the bag. The premise is you wound members of the opposing team to "down" them, and then when a safe opportunity presents itself you mount them to interrogate them. If your team does this successfully five times you find the location of the opposing team's safe and first to unlock that wins the game.
It's a great idea for a mode, and it can really spark up a "let's GET 'EM BOYS" sort of comradery with your teammates when it all gels together. But when it doesn't work, oh boy does it not work, when I shoot down a guy and some waste of flesh on my team deliberately caps him in the head to steal points for himself and screw the team over...let's just say this is part of the reason why two of my controllers don't really work properly any more. This is the general flaw of online multiplayer in general, and I don't think there's been a game that's overcome it entirely, no matter how tight and polished your mechanics are they can be DESTROYED by pure stupidity. If I'm in a bad mood and this happens this can be a mood killer for an entire evening, I mean I'm already playing this game in the first place to escape people and now they're infiltrating my online space to ruin even this for me. It doesn't help that getting killed in The Last Of Us involves the opposing player's avatar mounting you and viciously smashing your skull against the concrete as you particularly feel the shockwaves tingle up your arm, basically a perfect metaphor for how I'm feeling around that point.
That's worse case scenario though, here's a much more optimistic example. I was messing around on Grand Theft Auto Online recently (messing around is pretty much all you can do on it due to barely functional matchmaking, but that's a different topic in itself) and there was a kid on microphone who couldn't have possibly been any older than 13. Some other (adult) guy was so offended by his Mickey Mouse voice and too clueless to figure out how to mute him that he just HAD to plug in his own microphone and verbally abuse this kid. Eventually it got to the point where he was threatening to stab the kid while asking him questions about where he lived, causing the kid to get audibly upset. I took it upon myself at this moment to ruin this guy's time as much as possible, messing with his objectives and running over him whenever I could get an easy shot in, which conveniently agitated him enough to forget about the kid.
Hey look at that! When it comes to GTA online I am literally a social justice warrior! Maybe that's a little much, probably more like a social justice troll, but justice is justice!
Here's the thing though, the fact that through the medium of videogames I was able to slightly ruin this one jerk's night probably momentarily deflated any stress or frustration I had been harbouring at that time, and personally I think that's a pretty healthy way of dealing with it! Find online videogames that you personally enjoy, and when the jerks inevitably pop up out-jerk them in the funniest way possible.
So that's my personal source of catharsis as far as videogames are concerned; using on-screen avatars to interact with people in a meaningless and harmless environment. Even with these limitations, the fact that most games have some kind of strategy or etiquette attached to them still gives the people you meet potential to either be really cool or really lame. This gives an outlet to feel some kind of comradery with the former, and appropriately screw with the latter. Both can be a source of releasing stress, and perhaps learning to hate people a little less.
Even if you don't agree with this let's just end on this; all of this is DEFINITELY a better idea than going on Twitter.
No comments:
Post a Comment