I also conveniently remembered that I have a blog on the internet that I can do whatever I want on, I also have a lot of thoughts about videogames that never really get translated to screen or paper. Most of the stuff I write (understandably) has some kind of practical purpose; usually to give a full critique or consumer review of a product without resorting to excessively long word counts or to give insight on some kind of story, or worst of all to simply blandly rewrite the story. Sometimes any kind of expectation like that can be a burden, sometimes you just got to let your hair ride the wind mannnn, and just write whatever and see where it takes you.
You see that's the kind of stuff I'm talking about: that last paragraph was utterly pointless, but I won't take it out no matter how angry you get about wasting your time reading it. So here's the premise, I want to create an environment where I just write stuff and it's entirely fine, and it's about videogames so I can actually figure out what it is exactly that I value in the medium (this is far too big of a question to answer in one shot).
So there you go, from now on I'm going to try and write random things about random videogames that I happen to play, none of them will be "reviews" in the traditional sense. Maybe I played them all the way through, maybe I played them for 5 minutes, maybe a bus with an advertisement for a game I've never played will drive past my house and I'll just write about it anyway. IT DOESN'T MATTER. And I'm also going to call it "LesmoThoughts" just because it probably needs some kind of name to separate it from any real content that might get put on this site, and "LesmoThoughts" is way too lame and stupid for anyone to think I'm actually proud of it.
NOW TALKING ABOUT THE GAME THAT'S IN THE TITLE OF THIS POST WOO
The other day I got FIVE STARS on Super Mario 3D Land even though I once joked on social media that I would never do that because that's lame (you need to beat the entirety of the game with Mario AND Luigi, while also hitting the top of every single flagpole at the end of a level, AND get every single Star Coin). Getting five stars unlocks the stupidest, dumbest, most insanely difficult level ever (okay not really but it IS bullshit) that I genuinely think is impossible without the tanooki tail. It's such a weird level too, not because of its difficulty itself but the fact that it's difficult because it exploits some of the game's shortcomings, such as some of the more awkward use of 3D and Mario's slightly slower-feeling than usual momentum. These are rarely notable issues throughout the rest of the game, but I noticed the FUCK out of them in this final stage and it seemed a bizarre choice, it's like the designers wanted the player's last thoughts regarding Super Mario 3D Land to be "man, this game could have seriously SUCKED if it was all like this, I guess they did a pretty good job."
And you know what, they DID do a pretty good job. Actually all things considered, probably a pretty fantastic job.
Super Mario 3D Land is a game that most people claim to like but almost in a sort of "guilty pleasure" "I just like Mario I guess" sort of way, which I think is kind of unfortunate. Probably the reason for this is because it came out after Super Mario Galaxy and its sequel, which knocked the pants off everyone (especially critics) and 3D Land seems like a step down by comparison. But screw those people, let's separate this next sentence from the rest of the paragraph, bold it and put it in slightly bigger text to show I mean business:
SUPER MARIO 3D LAND > SUPER MARIO GALAXY
Okay so that probably didn't actually count as a sentence by most literacy standards, but I can't get over it, I just don't like the Super Mario Galaxy games that much. I will admit right now, that 75% of the reason is because you have to use the Wiimote and nunchunk, complete with motion flails and shooting star bits at the screen yak yak yak, you'd think I would have built up a natural defence to wanker's cramp by now but nope. If it was possible to play the game with a Gamecube controller, I could probably get over a lot of its issues and have a good time with it because it's certainly not a bad game, but it still wouldn't even come close to being my favourite Mario game.
There's just too much dumb stuff in it I hate, especially in what (in my opinion) should be a pretty brainless game (at least on a concious level (oo er even I'm not entirely sure what I mean by that (triple brackets!!))) I hate the excessive tutorial stuff, I hate all the pop up text in levels and pretense to having a "story" that requires dialogue I hate the stupid hub world where you waste time running around Mario's head for no adequately explained reason, and I hate that the platforming isn't as sharp as it should be. I think I've figured out what I broadly hate about it though, in other (mostly 2D) Mario games the core focus was on how Mario moved, complete with obsessively fine-tuned momentum and jumping, and he would slide and skid around a bit too (but not too much). In Super Mario Galaxy the core focus is the level design, where the emphasis was on visuals and creating great places to navigate through but (possibly due to trying to keep it simple for newbs who picked up the Wii) didn't care about Mario's movement nearly as much. I don't want to be too mean to Super Mario Galaxy, it's basically a good game I guess, but I hate the method in which I have to move Mario, I don't particularly care for how he moves in the first place, and there's way too much bullshit getting in the way of the bits where I move him. Bleh.
This is where Super Mario 3D Land shines, the entire game is a celebration of movement. Zero Punctuation is regarded pretty highly around these parts, but in Yahtzee's review of Super Mario Galaxy he said something about the game being good because it was basically like a game made out of the secret super-soaker-less levels in Super Mario Sunshine, and my biggest problem with the game was that it wasn't that at all! 3D Land is a thousand times closer to that dream, the levels are almost just blocks but well placed blocks that you can bounce your way through whatever way you please. Didn't you just feel like GOD when you flew over an entire level in Super Mario Bros. 3 for the first time? Because you can totally do that in a bunch of levels in 3D Land too and I think that's kind of radical. That might just be me to be honest, personally I feel most like God when I scoop foamy bubbles out of bathwater and flush them down the toilet.
THAT WHICH WAS CREATED BY WATER SHALL BE DESTROYED BY WATER
Wait what's going on?
Back to Mario, so umm yea, I like how the entire game is just the really good platforming without all the bullshit again, aside from the silly Nintendo "TAKE A BREAK BRO THIS GAME COULD KILL YOU" messages that pop up just enough to be annoying and the Ghost Houses (seriously Nintendo what is with the Ghost Houses? I can't commit to buying a Wii U but if you promise to never put a Ghost House level in a Mario game ever again I promise to buy your next console....okay maybe that's a joke too but STOP WITH THE GHOST HOUSES THEY SUCK) nothing gets in the way of bouncing Mario through near effortlessly designed levels (seriously, they just work it's kind of ridiculous). This is also doubly beneficial to a portable game, it's ideal design for clearing one or two levels on the bus AND having long sessions on the toilet at home (sometimes several hours in my case).
The whole "it's like Mario 3!" nostalgia-bating aspects of the project do gross me out however, if you're sick of the Mario aesthetic and gimmicks the lack of creativity in these aspects of the game might be a downer for you. More power to the designers for putting all the work into actually making a fun game I guess, but when you make the games audiovisual elements constantly remind the player of Super Mario Bros. 3 (possibly/probably the best videogame of all time) you may end up selling yourself short. What is it with old 80s videogame franchises and constantly calling back to their old soundtracks? Mario does it, Zelda does it, even Mega Man has dabbled in it, and Castlevania just takes the piss (is there a Castlevania release that doesn't have Vampire Killer and/or Bloody Tears on the soundtrack? Bloody Tears isn't even from a good game for gawd's sake (although it is a great song)).
I should point out my love/nostalgia for Super Mario Bros. 3 has nothing to do with why I like 3D Land a lot...it's actually more to do with my love/nostalgia with Crash Bandicoot. I didn't have a Nintendo console until I hit secondary school, which was a Game Boy Advance that I made sure to get all the Super Mario Advance titles (and also failed, I never had Yoshi's Island). In my younger-than-that days it was all Crash, I liked Spyro the Dragon too I guess, but that game never called me back to it consistently the same way the Crash games did. Looking back on them, Naughty Dog were absurdly intelligent with those games, they realised way before most other developers that 3D platforming has inherent design and control issues and made their levels as fixed camera corridors for 3D sections and fleshed them out with extra 2D bits. Regardless of what your opinion of the Crash series is, the original PlayStation 1 titles have aged better than most other games at the time for this reason.
Super Mario 3D Land is like a game entirety made out of good Crash Bandicoot levels, but with way better controls, momentum, movement and way less bullshit...on a handheld! By the way, by less bullshit I mean having to break all the boxes in Crash 1 on one try...including the boxes with checkpoints that would make it impossible to start the level from the beginning, and the cryptic nonsense in the other two. Get the Blue Gem in the first level of Crash 2 by NOT breaking any of the boxes? Even though there's no clues, breaking boxes is part of the point of the game, there's a secret part of the level with extra boxes, boxes contain helpful items and there's literally bits where boxes block your path entirely. WHAT. I have no memory of how I even know how to get that stupid fucking gem, I must have looked it up, and even then I have no idea how to guy who originally put it on the internet found out. I hate to be THAT GUY, but cheats magazines were still a thing in 1997 when Crash 2 came out and this must have been a conspiracy to get you to buy those.
Hey, that's all I have to say on this I think, and I don't even have to think of a clever conclusion or anything! Oh my god I'm so happy right now.
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