VIdeogames. Like, woah, man. Do you ever stop and think about how much they've achieved over the past 30 years? We sure have come a long way since holding B to run and tapping A to jump in Super Mario Bros., but then again that was basically freaking perfect, so maybe they've only gone backwards. I dunno, but that's the thing with videogames, it's all about perspective and the way you see them depends on you. Maybe videogames are branching out and taking on new challenges, morphing into something that can directly compete with literature and movies. Or perhaps they're devolving from their once perfect little bubble and compromising with the rest of culture for the sake of acceptance.
Here's something you need to know about me before we can talk about a videogame for a minute; I'm the sort of person who rates Monsters Inc. a gosh darn 7 out of 10, because that is what it deserves. And simply for the sake of annoying people who really like Monsters Inc. to a slightly disturbing degree, I'll say that I'd rate the movie Cars a gosh darn 5 out of 10. Some will express confusion, possibly even outrage, that I would dare to only consider Cars two points out of 10 less good than Monsters Inc. Also, I absolutely have no issue with the little girl in Monsters Inc., she was adorable and her relationship with Sully was one of the genuine highlights and it confuses, and possibly even outrages, me that people can claim to love Monsters Inc. way more than I do and not like that part of the movie.
Who knows, I haven't seen either Cars 2 or Monsters University at time of writing. Word on the street is that Cars 2 is really super bad, maybe I should just watch that and rate it, and without ever actually watching it simply give Monsters University 2 more points out of 10 than Cars 2. No-one would have any right to get mad, after all I would be simultaneously acknowledging that Cars 2 is bad while also saying that Monsters is the superior Pixar franchise. But what if I DO end up watching both movies and I really like Cars 2 and hate Monsters University? (which to be honest, I strongly suspect I might on the latter) Then I have to tell people I consider Cars and Monsters to be on an equal wavelength as franchises, and saying stuff like that is the reason I get beat up! (Disclaimer: I'm 6'5 and never get beat up)
Maybe I'm slightly biased towards Cars because seeing that movie was the first time I went to a cinema with a girl, not that we made out or anything. I went to the same cinema with the same girl less than a year later, and by this point was stuck firmly in the friendzone, but we went to go see Spider-Man 3 so fuck her I guess. My grand plan (probably would have been) to take her to see Marley and Me the year after that which (almost) definitely would have led to make-outs but with me being me we weren't really on speaking terms by that point. The bottom fell out completely the year after that where I went to go see Transformers 2 with two guy friends and was so traumatized I swore to never return to the cinema (and I genuinely haven't to this date!) We also didn't make out though.
Thing is, as much as I really really despise Transformers 2 (there's only one movie I've seen that I consider to be a worse viewing experience and it's Sucker Punch) I distinctly remember talking about the movie with my friends on the way out of the cinema and what we thought about it. The words "oh, I'd give it a 5 out of 10 I guess" definitely came out of my mouth at some point. I was startled and mostly confused, I initially believed that the movie's climax confused me simply because I had somehow missed key elements of the plot, and this was also probably my fault. Later that week, dwelling on my own opinion and seeing plot summaries and other people's reviews, and even later on than that seeing actual bits of the movie again, I realised my instincts weren't wrong and I really did just see the worst piece of shite ever plastered across a cinema screen (Sucker Punch hadn't been made yet). "5 out of 10" had drooled its way out of my mouth in a clumsy attempt to sound balanced, to meet the expectations of the movie's core audience, marketing and its starving-children-mockingly excessive budget.
And that's what it all comes down to, rating things out of 10 is bullshit. I give Cars a casual 5 out of 10 because I don't care about it as a piece of film, it just exists and it's kind of dumb but mostly fine. Monsters Inc. gets a 7 for being "mostly pretty good I guess", the 7 can be the summary of a larger opinion if you're smart and on the same wavelength as who you're talking to, but it can't be the justification or even worse: the explanation of your opinion. "I think this movie is good because my brain has filtered it between the arbitrary parameters of what a '7 out of 10' movie is". This is unacceptable, and it's almost everywhere within mainstream videogame criticism.
So what you need to know about me is; right now I am just doing this. It is nearly 9am in the gosh darn morning and I have not been to sleep yet, and everything you see above this was written in around 25 minutes with literally no planning whatsoever, the imaginary starting pistol went off in my brain and off I went. You know what I really like about writing? It helps me figure out what -I- think about things, and I don't need a deadline or obligation forces me to figure out what I think so I can put it into words, I literally mean when I put pen-to-paper or skin-to-plastic eventually I figure out what I want to say.
Although it's impossible for a game review to not be a self-indulgent, borderline autistic, inane ramble like this currently is, videogames are art (GOD DAMN IT) and a concept for a review should start with a personal gut feeling about the overall product and then a portrayal of the writers own workings of figuring out where that gut feeling came from. What it should NOT (underlined, bolded, capped and put in italics just to show I mean business right now) be is a bureaucratic box ticking exercise of the game's mechanics and content.
People can't be removed from game reviews because games will be (duh) played by people, so it's all the more perplexing the amount of reviewers who insist on critiquing them like they're dishwashers or something. Like they automatically get two stars simply for being "functional" these days. Not that I'm saying all reviews need to be written in first person and use "I" a lot, I mean I usually don't but today's game is a real special topic with me so I really wanted to come out of my shell a bit for it, but you can still inject a review with personality and I think it's important to do so. Getting REAL, like actual genuine people to talk about videogames and why they suck/are radical is
Well I have forgotten what game I'm reviewing right now, but isn't that the review of the game right there for you? Whatever it was it made no emotional or mental impact on me and therefore can't possibly be worth your time. So know that this game isn't recommended, honestly it's probably not even worth the bandwidth to get it through Bittorrent. You know, if everyone did just download their games through Bittorrent maybe that would finally eliminate all discussion of "lasting value" in reviews and the world might be a happier place.
I think I just saved the fucking world.
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