The WORST Wrestling Column Ever - "Triple H Attacking Randy Orton was idiotic and selfish"

Things do get bitchy around here don't they? A few months ago the worst gaming review ever written got trounced on this very site, and now we're moving into the world of wrestling. 

Now when I say "worst ever" that needs clarification, because this is the internet, you can always find something WORSE if you're willing to dive deeper. In this context, it's the most unintelligent, moronic, worthless opinion packaged in a structured way and presented to a large audience. Last time it was IGN, this time it's Bleacher Report.

I don't think anyone needs informing that the general quality of wrestling content Bleacher Report ranks somewhere around Superman IV, it's not great. Normally it's just pseudo "smark" stuff of people who don't understand anything about narrative, wrestling booking or human psychology whining around championship relevancy or their favourite superstar not being "over" or something. 

This particular article wins the grand prize of being the most baffling article I've ever read on the site, but more importantly made me laugh harder than any other. And so you don't think any of this is just being made up, here's the link to the original article:

 http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1884162-triple-h-attacking-randy-orton-was-idiotic-and-selfish

A little background, this is in response to the final segment in the Slammy Awards edition of Raw, where Randy Orton and John Cena cut promos about their upcoming championship match at TLC, the crowd went nuts for Daniel Bryan, and it all broke down in what Lesmocon is officially announcing as F'N AWESOME. If you missed it here's the important part of the segment that shows you what you need to see.

Anyway, same business as last time, we'll copy and paste chunks of it and riff on it accordingly. Some of this article is just really boring though so some of it may be skipped for the sake of brevity. 

"For a moment, try to imagine Eric Bischoff beating up Hulk Hogan on Nitro six days before Hulk’s title match against Sting. Imagine Vince McMahon giving The Rock a Stunner before an upcoming title shot against Steve Austin. It would be ridiculous; it would be bad for business. It would be flat-out idiotic."

Try to imagine if Mae Young powerbombed Batista through the announce table! C'mon man, is this seriously how you're starting this off? You're comparing two non-competitors to someone who (in WWE lore) is one of the greatest in-ring superstars, and is still jacked like cray and clearly still in ring shape. It was less than two years ago the guy was nearly beating Undertakers streak, him getting a surprise pedigree on Orton isn't unfeasible for a fans mind to process. 

Even if this doesn't end up being your mind point for why it was stupid this is such a terrible and misguided way to start the article you've instantly branded yourself an idiot in the heart and mind of the reader. No-one could be stupid enough to think that the examples you give are in any way the same thing...except...you...I guess...

"But this is what we saw on the Dec. 9 edition of Raw when Triple H took out the WWE champion because he caused his wife to fall to the ground. With a title unification just days away, what purpose did that distraction serve? Why was that moment chosen to close a hot segment?"

Hey good for you! You actually bothered to figure out what the date was for the episode, I couldn't be bothered earlier that's why I just put "Slammy Awards", and if it wasn't the Slammys I probably would have put "the ones that a couple of weeks before the Christmas one they do" or something. But anyway, what purpose did it serve? I thought the subtext was kind of obvious, but to cap off the chaos it was to imply that the Authority has no favourite in the match any more because of Cena having the assets Orton does and the tension between Orton and Triple H. It was basically a guarantee that that crap that happened at Survivor Series won't happen at Tables, Ladders and Chairs.

"As the promo concluded, a series of rapid-fire finishing moves broke out. It was chaotic and a lot of fun. The final one, though, ruined the good times. Triple H laid out Randy Orton, the WWE champion, with a Pedigree. He then stood across the ring looking down at him along with Cena and his wife. The champion, two weeks in a row before a huge title match, looked incredibly weak."

How exactly does one move that comes at the end of a chain of other moves "ruin the good times"? This is "smark" logic at its absolute worse, "oh hey this is all awesome I love this...WAIT WHAT? Why did they do that don't they understand hitting the heel before the PPV will kill their buyrates!?!? WHAT WHAT!!?" Getting hit by a random finisher in a chaotic moment from someone you wouldn't expect to attack you doesn't make you "look weak", especially not when you're Randy Orton and basically solid anyway. But let's say it does...where's your bitching about CM Punk taking a Sweet Chin Music from Shawn Michaels unanswered? Punks in a big match at the Pay-Per-View too, by your logic that should suck too right?

There's really not much else to say about this bit, it's just silly. No-one in the audience had "their fun ruined" by the Pedigree, and even bitter smarks like this guy only had their fun ruined retroactively when they realised there was bitching to be had in this. Moving on.

"The final attack just doesn't make a lot of sense from a storyline or business standpoint. Ever since Orton won the title, it's been a rough road with him and Hunter. One week they seem to love each other, the next they're at odds. This doesn't appear to be leading to a match between the two, so it's just inconsistent writing."

We covered the business part of this in the last bit, you're suggesting that a development in an overarching storyline kills a PPV buyrate and that's ludicrous, it's not like Orton jobbed to 3MB or something. As for the storyline, I agree that the writing hasn't been great, but it's been implied (not very subtly either) that Triple H and Stephanie want Orton to be champion for business reasons, but he's got a bad case of spoilt brat syndrome and has been difficult. Also...Triple H considered him responsible for Stephanie getting hurt...there's your making sense from a "storyline standpoint" for ya right there. 

The storyline hasn't been amazing or anything, but it hasn't been hard to keep track of either, it's points like this that make you sound unqualified to be writing in the first place. 

"It looks like we're headed towards a Punk vs. HHH match (because that worked out so well last time), and Orton's next opponent isn't yet clear.

So what possessed HHH to insert himself into this angle so heavily just days before the show? He basically answered that question himself the week before when he called the upcoming TLC match “the biggest match of this generation.” No wonder he couldn’t keep himself out of it."

And thus your true colours are revealed, you're one of those people. Triple H was involved in something on television so obviously he has no motives other than putting himself over yea? Again, I know Bleacher Report isn't some prestigious venue to have your content displayed, but I find it embarrassing that even they let this kind of wank on their site. I bet when this guy sees a scout helping an old lady cross the street he yells at them about how they're just doing it to get into her pants. That's a joke of course, I seriously doubt this guy goes outside at all...

Also your Punk Vs HHH comment, umm, just, what? Are you seriously suggesting that match shouldn't happen because the match two years ago surrounding a totally unrelated and extremely rushed storyline didn't work out? That match was still kind of good you know.

"There are some who are speculating that HHH will somehow, someway leave TLC with the Unified title. That’s a terrible idea, but you can’t put it past him in the least. The fact that it's even in the back of the minds of fans goes to show how egotistical and out-of-touch HHH has become.

For all intents and purposes, he's retired. Competing once or twice a year isn't the life of a wrestler, that's a Vickie Guerrero in-ring schedule.

What would make Hunter capturing the gold so bad is that without two champions, there will be no one to defend a world title at house shows. He's not going to show up for them. That takes away a big drawing card for fans. What's going to be in the main event? A U.S. title defense?"

He backs this idea up by linking to another terrible article on Bleacher Report about how this is a legitimate idea. Dude, the fact that it's on Bleacher Report doesn't make it some grand, respected, totally possible idea that people respect and you need to refute or acknowledge. If you need proof of this then scroll up because YOUR article is on Bleacher Report. 

I don't know what else to add to this, just look at it. It's an idiot's distorted vision of another idiot's terrible idea, the fact that this is on a platform where it can viewed by thousands if not tens of thousands is so depressing I don't want to dwell on it further. 

"Ok, so even if this doesn't lead to a Hunter as champion scenario, it's still hard to find the point of it. A COO knocked out the WWE Champion who is 10 years younger than him. That's flat-out bad. "

NO. You cannot throw a statement like this out without clarification, Triple H is COO in storyline but other than that is a legitimate, perfectly in shape and well respected performer in WWE lore. What does being 10 years older have to do with anything? Should no-one who's got years on anyone else ever get a move in on them? Also, see above for the HBK/Punk kick that you agree was totally fun, and HBK is in infinitely worse shape than Triple H right now. I just wanted to give this paragraph its own bit because it perfectly sums up this writer. 100% sure and arrogantly certain about hypocrisy, stupidity and ignorance. 

The next couple of paragraphs are just a bunch of smarky whining about how the title unification should be happening at Wrestlemania and blah blah, there's a debate in that somewhere but we're not having it with this guy so let's hop to the end.

All Raw needed in order to have a fantastic, coherent ending that effectively built toward the pay-per-view was to leave the boss out of it. As we've seen the past few months (and quite a few times over the past 15 years), it doesn't happen as much as it should.

And just in case you didn’t think this segment was really about Triple H, take a look back and see whose music was playing at the end of the show. Rightfully it should have been one of the challengers' at the pay-per-view, right? But it wasn't. It was HHH’s, because why wouldn’t it be?

Your lack of ability to see the overarching storyline developments that will take us into the Royal Rumble and therefore Wrestlemania are hilarious, it's kind of ironic that this level of short-sightedness actually makes you perfect for the WWE creative team. As we went through earlier, Triple H getting involved in this segment doesn't make the match about him it confirms the match won't be about him, or makes the audience believe that long enough to actually buy the show. They want people to be deceived into thinking the Authority could side with either guy or neither at all, which does make this move about the match.

As for the music, personally I don't think they should have played music at all as it cheapened the moment somewhat, but given this is tacky WWE stuff and they're basically contracted to end the show on some cheesy theme music whose music did you expect them to play? Stephanie's? Yea that would have been great for the moment of her getting knocked out, the sight of her barely concious accompanied by WELCOME TO THE QUEENDOM, I MAKE YA LUVMELUVMELUVMELUVMEEEEE.

So that's that, this article is really awful and this guy needs to never write about professional wrestling (and preferably anything) ever again. What starts off as an insincere attempt to analyse a narrative development breaks down into moronic territory pretty quickly and a chance to deliver potshots at Triple H because people on the internet believe every single bit of gossip they hear from the WWE backstage...even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff. Jeez, it's like a religion. 

There's no arguing with people like this, they will just alter or bitch at reality until it forms into something they're satisfied with. Which is great for them at all, not so great for their audience or my e-mail account when Bleacher Report insists on sending this dribble directly to me. ZERO STARS.