Nintendo have fucked it again (maybe)

There's a problem with videogame discourse in general that it's far too insular, and I feel this leads to a severe lack of perspective when it comes to basically anything to do with Nintendo. Since they're no longer the leaders of the home console market there's constant unfounded concerns that they're about to collapse despite having a Scrooge McDuck sized money vault. Because their mascots are all cheeky chappy lovable they're treated as a friendly little brother figure despite being a soulless billion dollar corporation like any other. And as there's a strong overlap between Nintendo fanboyism and games journalism, all they have to do every year is announce a new Animal Crossing desktop background and everyone will declare they "won" E3 or TGS or the Slammys or whatever. I mean who doesn't like Animal Crossing...right?

If that came off as cynical well then there's two reasons for that 1) I'm sort of a jerk and 2) it's always worth pointing out Nintendo are not your friend, they don't need you to defend them and not necessarily every decision they make is a work of innovative inspired genius.

That leads me to their recent Switch announcements and look; I don't hate it, I will own one at some point in my life, it will probably have some hot games on it. I'm also not predicting doom and gloom or suggesting this new device won't be a success, it's just that I'm fairly sure it's not going to get Nintendo back on track after the Wii U.

A decade ago Nintendo make a big comeback with the DS and Wii; two relatively cheap devices released in a time before the Thatcher dream bubble popped and some people actually had money. Both had clear, simple, fresh controller concepts and released with some strong software that took advantage of said concepts. Some of the hardcore fanbase were upset that they were clearly not the target market with a lot of """casual""" titles taking up the lead lineup, but they were cheap enough where even those people could think "ah well, it's gonna have that new Mario on it I suppose".

Those were followed up with the 3DS and Wii U; two names that make sense to "gamer" people and exactly 0% of the rest of the population. The 3DS was the perfect name for a device if your goal is to confuse mums into not buying it for their kids, it also had to deal with that baggage about potentially melting children's eyes. The Wii U was...what even was the Wii U? Even the fanboys weren't sure what to make of it when it originally announced. It also confused people with its message of "you can play it and still let other people use the TV!" Wasn't one of the selling points of the Wii to gather families around the TV? Now Nintendo were telling the TV to ostracize the videogames back to the bedrooms where they belong.

Don't fucking @ me with links to the Metacritic page for the Wii U where there's 25 exclusive games with a 75%+ score, nobody cares about the Wii U. Well I kind of care, I had a lot of good times with it, but I'm a major videogame jerk, and my Wii U has still been unplugged for at least three months. You can argue the merits of the hardware or the games library all day long, but it's an absolute fact that the mainstream pop culture penetration of the Wii U was essentially zero.

However Nintendo have achieved mainstream success through other ventures, most notably Pokémon Go, which was popular enough for Monday Night Raw to reference it to appear hip so you know it was a big hit. It's too early to tell but it's looking like they might have enough monster hit in Super Mario run as well. In recent years they've also backtracked on their DLC policy and built add-on content models for Smash Bros and Mario Kart. Between their recent hardware failures and these successes, it looked like Nintendo were latching on to the idea that people care about their software more than anything else. We like their characters, their design philosophy, their fresh takes on established formats such as Splatoon, and maybe they should focus their new hardware on being the best software delivery service possible and not waste their time on a new Swiss army knife controller.

Before we knew any details the "NX" sounded great! A portable console that you can plug into the TV instantaneously sounded like the perfect answer regarding whether anyone actually needs another console in their life. All it needed was good software support, if they focused on getting a strong Virtual Console library and third parties to accompany their main titles we would have the best possible follow up to the good ideas buried within the Wii U! 

And look, it all still sounds good, I absolutely love the idea of a home/portable console hybrid, the ability to play a big budget console game in my hands was my favourite feature of the Wii U. But if you're going to focus on software (which Nintendo should be since they're not challenging Sony or Microsoft on hardware) then PRIORITY NUMBER 1 should be make the hardware as cheap and simple as possible. Instead, we have a $300 device with some confusing controller gimmick where it breaks apart into little pieces that both have motion controls and HD RUMBLE (I have minor panic attacks whenever the doorbell goes off, so my only interest in this feature is whether can you turn it the fuck off) and so on.

This controller "innovation" comes with a million questions; are Switch games really going that much motion control support? Do they expect you to break the controller apart while you're playing to use them? Is it just to support downloadable Wii games? Do they expect people to play those portably, y'know, have Resident Evil 4 set up with the little stand on the train and do the waggle quick time event in your seat? Or will the motion controls work like a Sixaxis and like...suck? Can the plastic wear away when you're separating and reattaching the pieces? Does it break easy? What do I do if my jerk kids lose them or my jerk dog eats them? Are they comfortable to use? With my giant man hands crush them to baby pieces? Will all games be able to be played both at home and as a portable realistically? 

You know what doesn't have any of those questions? A FUCKING XBOX CONTROLLER. Have buttons on the actual device, and bundle it with a cheapo normal controller for home play. If you want Wii games to work on this thing, make it compatible with the Wiimotes we already have! Instead the console price has been inflated with a bunch of potential extra huge costs for additional controllers and so on in the name of having a gimmick which only confuses the purpose of the console. You don't gimmick a gimmick, and this bollocks with detachable controllers only distracts from the hybrid nature of the console that should be its main sell.

Concerns about the controller, lack of games initially, Nintendo still being weird about online and the larger than expected price are going to slow down early sales, and considering I'm not convinced by the current third party support the fact that Nintendo haven't chosen to make a Wii-scale hardware push doesn't make me optimistic for the future. All it had to be was a Vita you dock into your TV with support for some legacy controllers for under £200 and I would have been on board regardless of what else they announced!

Pre-orders are selling out, and yes, you, lifelong Nintendo fan reading this and probably getting a little salty, I know YOU want one of these things. I want one of them too! Just not right now for that price. It's everyone else I'm worried about, a lot of people pointed out that the initial ad featured no children whatsoever, and between the high price and easily to lose expensive parts Nintendo do seem to have developed their least-appropriate-for-children console since the god damn Virtual Boy. My mum, who has a Wii and DS and plays them both fairly regularly, isn't going to want one of these things, people who want one dedicated games machine are going to be better off with a PS4/Xbone or maybe even a 3DS. So in its current form and at its current price, who is the Switch for?

The answer is, sadly, the core Nintendo fanbase, which doesn't seem like a problem until you realise that's all the Wii U was for as well and they seem to be on track to make a slightly better version of the exact same mistakes. And that's fine I suppose, it'll make money, people will like it, but with the quality of their output and genuinely exciting advances into mobile games I see no reason why Nintendo can't be a major pop culture force once again. For whatever reason, they seem content to hollow themselves out into a niche company and milk their already established fanbase forever. They've already proven they can make tons of money doing that, so good for them I guess! Still don't want any Amiibos though...

Right now, the Nintendo Switch isn't a console I'm excited for or see any kind of positive future in, it's just another piece of plastic I have to buy if I want to play the new Mario. Maybe I'm a jerk, but I think that's disappointing!

No really, Dean Ambrose Vs Dolph Ziggler is a HORRIBLE match for Summerslam

So the first two weekly shows of the "New Era" are in the bag. Raw was pretty good, a little lazy in some places but there were good matches and more importantly it was fantastically paces making it one of the breeziest 3 hour Raw episodes ever. With the Monday show getting a big tick from most fans all eyes were on the now live Smackdown the next night to keep up the momentum and...sadly it wasn't very good.

WWE kept up their trend of boring debuts and call ups by having a conga line of women on the roster show up one by one and introduce themselves in about 15 seconds so none of them make an impression. Randy Orton continues to be in funny dad mode which is the worst form of Orton imaginable to put in the ring with Brock Lesnar, then his match with Miz was thrown out after 30 seconds when he took an awkward bump on the apron with his injured shoulder while getting tossed out between the ropes (of course, with the show being live they still had to fill time so Orton had to charge up the beefiest, not-outta-nowhere-at-all RKO for about two minutes to finish Miz off). And once again, the so called "creative" teams of WWE couldn't come up with anything more compelling to kickstart a title scene than throwing a bunch of dudes in the ring at once with a miss-and-hit battle royal and a boring six man pack challenge to decide Dean Ambrose's first challenger of the new roster for Summerslam.

The participants were John Cena, AJ Styles, Dolph Ziggler, Baron Corbin, Apollo Crews and Bray Wyatt. Cena and Styles are almost certainly going to have another match at Summerslam so they're out, Crews and Corbin may not be considered ready for this opportunity just yet, god knows what WWE are ever planning with Bray Wyatt so that leaves us with...oh no...

Dolph Ziggler.

Dolph. Ziggler.

Dolph Ziggler is competing for the WWE Championship at Summerslam.

I would like to say the reaction to this has been mixed but I'm not so sure about that. Some people are excited and others less so but the underlying response from most fans has been confusion. Maybe WWE will live to regret putting Finn Balor over Roman Reigns on his first night and sending him after the title immediately, especially if he's going to lose, but whether it works or not it's definitely an inspired choice that feels like a statement about the future of the brand. Ziggler on the other hand comes off as completely random.

After being initially annoyed at confused by Ziggler's win on the night, since then I've been playing this match in my night again and again and 48 hours later I am willing to stamp my snark onto the internet and declare this to be a TERRIBLE decision. At best, it's a waste of time for everyone involved, at worst it'll undermine the brand split, Smackdown, the championship and both participants at next year's Wrestlemania when the Smackdown title match is back to a midcard spot like the old days we'll look back on this as one of WWE's worst decisions of the year.

So what's wrong with it? Well first things first it's not a very interesting matchup where the strengths of both guys work against each other. Ambrose is only one month into his title reign, a title reign a lot of people were starting to think would never happen, it's viewed as a "glass ceiling" breaking moment by a lot of fans. If you want to make a statement about Dean Ambrose being the top dog of the newly established Smackdown roster the last thing you want to do is have his first challenger be a guy with zero momentum who has also been bouncing his head off the glass ceiling over the years, ESPECIALLY when it's a guy Ambose has already wrestled and beaten multiple times on free television this year. Since Dean Ambrose has not been cemented as a main event mainstay yet, this only drags him (and therefore the championship) down to Ziggler's level and not the other way round.

Then there's the age old issue of babyface vs babyface encounters being fundamentally the most boring matches. They can work when it's two top guys who rarely ever touch, or two incredibly popular guys who are the polar opposite of each other like John Cena Vs Daniel Bryan so there's still an interesting conflict without making either one a jerk, but Ambrose Vs Ziggler is a match we've seen plenty of times before and it's not exactly a clash of the titans. Not to mention, both are at their best when they're making emotional scrappy comebacks, but neither are prone to dominate matches so drawing people in to care about a match at this level is going to be an uphill climb at best. 

People will point out that the match itself will be pretty good, and yea it probably will be if pure craft is enough for you to enjoy a wrestling match (disclaimer: it's usually not for me), but who cares! There's good matches on free television pretty much every week now! Sure, it's good for a Pay-Per-View card to have some matches on the card where you know the guys are going to go out there and put on a good show, but traditionally we like to call those talents "midcarders". Still, as Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens just proved at Battleground, even those matches work much better when there's an interesting conflict. Forgetting the quality of the actual match though, I'd like to remind all of you that WWE have just performed a brand split and have established Smackdown as a live show on Tuesday with its own roster, and what is god's name is supposed to draw us into watching Smackdown with Ziggler Vs Ambrose? I can't wait for weeks of "I respect you but I'M GONNA FIGHT YOU FOR THIS" promos, maybe they'll even tag together against some heels and Ziggler will superkick him by accident! CAN'T WAIT MATE.

You may argue that the match was only announced recently and I shouldn't judge a storyline that hasn't got going yet, but no matter what they pull out I don't see how they can make this interesting. Dolph Ziggler has no momentum right now, he's done nothing of note this year other than a horrible feud with Baron Corbin and a completely forgettable Intercontinental title feud with Kevin Owens (you forgot about that until now didn't you? C'mon, be honest, you did). Ziggler also happens to be one of the worst babyfaces on the roster, it's not necessarily his fault but he's a guy who calls himself the Show Off and brags about how good he is and consistently loses in 5 minute matches on television. He's constantly made to look like a complete goof and a complete goof isn't exactly a compelling matchup for Ambrose's "unpredictable wildman" shtick. 

You might say they'll try to make Ziggler look more credible over the coming weeks, and I'll assume you having been watching wrestling very long. Seriously, in the dead talent pool years of 2009-2012 WWE tried this ALL THE TIME. They were so desperate for new stars they would take midcard guys and give them big wins or feuds out of nowhere (Legacy Vs DX, Wade Barrett Vs Randy Orton, Alex Riley Vs The Miz, R-Truth Vs Cena, Del Rio Vs Edge, Ziggler Vs lots of people, Jack Swagger's World Heavyweight Championship win (that title NEVER removed from that) and the list goes on and on) and it NEVER WORKED. WWE would get one or two low rated Pay-Per-Views out of them and then they'd flop back down to their midcard void within months.

Then there's the positioning of the match on the Summerslam card as a whole. The only justification for WWE going for an unconventional choice is they're figuring Orton Vs Lesnar, Finn Vs Seth and probably Cena Vs AJ are going to be the three top matches on the show and they have no need for a fourth main event worthy match. Once again, the obvious point there is IT'S NOT A MAIN EVENT WORTHY MATCH, which would be okay if Dean Ambrose's title reign hadn't only just begun on top of a brand new roster. But even if the thinking is the WWE title match doesn't matter wasting this slot on a currently irrelevant Ziggler is still a missed opportunity. Honestly, any one of the five other men in the six pack challenge would have been a better option, even Crews or Corbin. 

Imagine Ambrose Vs Corbin; it would have been a fresh interesting match, it wouldn't have taken shine away from the other top matches, it's a good contrast to Raw's main event, Corbin's and Ambrose's personalities would have clashed instantly, the match itself would let Corbin look strong while letting Ambrose do all his antics and establish himself as a fighting champion against a major physical threat, and it still would have kept in line with WWE's message of giving new talent opportunities. Whereas Dolph Ziggler Vs Dean Ambrose is a 3 and a half star match where the fans will chant "This is Awesome" because one of them will kick out of a finisher. Again, CAN'T WAIT MATE.

I suppose this match could potentially be justified if the endgame is to have one of them turn heel, Ambrose is arguably more interesting as a heel and Ziggler's needed a character shakeup for a while, but again this doesn't feel like the venue for it. The timing's not great for Ambrose right now and Ziggler's not a big enough deal for a turn against him to have the required impact, and the fact Ziggler's not a big enough deal means if he is going to turn heel he has no business doing it in a WWE championship match. Even then, I can only see that heel turn working if he screws over Ambrose and wins the title, the two problems with that are 1) it involves putting the title on him (*shudder*) and 2) too many people would be genuinely excited for that to happen regardless of how it happens that it wouldn't work as a heel turn anyway. This is just one of the many reasons why pairing two "glass ceiling" guys up with each other right away is not a very good idea.

My final objection to this match stems from my biggest fear regarding this "New Era" in general. As genuinely intriguing as it was, I was concerned that Finn showing up on Raw, winning two matches including a clean win over Reigns to become No 1 Contender on his first night was blatant pandering to the vocal minority of the audience. With Smackdown pulling something similar with Ziggler the following night, I can't help but feel these two moves are a calculated attempt to get people screaming on Twitter for the sake of that sweet sweet social media traction baby. I worry that either this is a completely empty gesture to appease these people, or WWE are actually going with this and the show might start to suck real hard, and I fear if the show does start to suck real hard they'll blame these talents rather than their own lack of compelling storytelling.

In closing, I'm going to intentionally be a huge jerk for a paragraph or two. Hey wrestling fans, could you please get over yourselves just a little? Can you stop praising bad creative decisions because you perceive someone you like might be getting "pushed" or put "over" someone you don't like? Can you stop going nuts for matches where dudes pull out a couple of flashy moves in a row when there's zero reason to care about anything that's happening? If you're going to constantly be critical of "booking", can you at least remember that wrestling is an ongoing soap opera where talents need to have long term appeal and storylines need to remain functional for months, and not judge the writing entirely on a gut reaction to what is immediately in front of you? 

I'm so tired of people freaking out, positively or negatively, to a main event talent beating a midcarder clean or vice versa. WWE is a business, these matches do not take place in a vacuum, if Kalisto beat John Cena clean in the second match of Smackdown next week it wouldn't be compelling or interesting or excited it would be flat out bad business, and if you consider that comment to be a knock against Kalisto or his talent please call up your local government immediately and renounce your right to internet access. It was only a couple of years ago we were all hanging off the edge of our seats following the rise of Daniel Bryan, caring about everything he went through and hoping he would success. People used to care about wrestling, these performers and these stories used to mean something. Now, apparently it's "good enough" if WWE flops together a random meaningless title match as long as the guys in it are """getting a push""".

Sadly, Dean Ambrose Vs Dolph Ziggler may as well be taking place in a vacuum for all the intrigue it has, and I'm sorry but the fact it will be a "good match" at the potential expense of the talent, brand and credibility of the title is simply not good enough.

Raw Recap 20th June, 2016 - Welcome to the Asylum

After an amount of weeks I can't be bothered to look up break, the Raw Recap has returned! 

The show starts with the NEW WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION Dean Ambrose arriving at the arena and almost leaving the belt in his taxi. I fear that might be a less embarrassing way for him to lose the title than what they'll actually come up with.

Segment #1 - Dean Ambrose Opening Promo

I'm happy for Dean but it still feels like they missed their window of opportunity on this guy. Winning the title after Brock ate all his momentum and a feud with Dadicho that never got as heated as it needed to doesn't feel like best case scenario but at least they haven't left him to die as I feared. The crowd claws itself towards a "You Deserve It!" chant and gets there eventually. 

I don't know if there's ever been a Raw where I didn't complain about the opening segment being lazy but they have to be more creative than this when big angles go down. For over a year JBL has been screaming on commentary "Maggle can you imagine WHAT WOULD HAPPEN if that LUNATIC ended up with the WWE title?" and the night after he actually wins it...Raw starts the same way it always done with Ambrose cutting an in-ring promo for no apparent reason.

Ambrose celebrates his victory, Robo Reigns comes out and says last night was Ambrose's night and congratulates him. Ambrose says he would have cashed him on Roman, but the crowd doesn't care about that because they're too busy chanting "You Can't Wrestle!" at Roman. Seth storms down to the ring and says Ambrose stole the title and Roman needs to go to the back. Shane comes out and makes a match between Seth Vs Roman for the No 1 Contendership, Seth says he already beat Roman and has nothing to prove, he's got a point! Maybe Seth shouldn't have beaten Roman clean last night!

Segment #2 - Sami Zayn Vs Kevin Owens

I hope these guys get drafted to separate brands, it was logical for them to feud when they both made it to the main roster but we're getting into Dark Knight "destined to do this forever" territory now. Owens limps down to the ring but the announcers don't feel like the Michinoku Driver Zayn gave to him on the ladder is worth mentioning. 

It's hard to imagine these guys having a bad match but they're not given much time for this one. Zayn counters a Pop-Up Powerbomb attempt into a victory roll and gets a surprise pinfall. After the match KO tries to powerbomb Zayn off the stage but Zayn fights him off until referees break it up. I'm guessing they'll have a blow off match at the next Pay-Per-View and then head to separate brands.

After the commercial break Zayn and Owens are still brawling backstage, no amount of referees or security can keep them apart until Finlay gets involved. 

Segment #3 - John Laurinatis Promo

As part of the running gag of all the former General Managers coming back to promote the upcoming draft Mr Excitement himself shows up. For some reason JBL is really excited to see him even though he wasn't on the show when Johnny was around. I'll give Laurinatis credit I genuinely can't tell whether he's horrible on purpose any more, his run as Raw GM always felt like a backstage rib that got out of control. Shane McMahon interrupts him and says Johnny isn't going to run Smackdown because he is. SAWFT come out and Shane passes the torch of goofy entrance walk to Enzo. 

Segment #4 - SAWFT Vs Vaudevillains 

This seems like a throwaway match to have on Raw with no fanfare, but that seems to be a running theme for this show. It's as routine as you can get too, Enzo gets beaten up for two minutes, gets a "hot" tag and Cass instantly wins the match. I'm a big fan of their tag team finisher too where the little guy does a splash and the big guy pats him on the back on the way down in a "yayyyyyyy I'M HELPING" sort of way.

Segment #5 - The Club promo

AJ Styles talks about his tainted victory over Cena and how he should feel better about it, he calls out Anderson and Gallows for a public apology for their involvement. Anderson and Gallows comply but its obvious all three of them are taking the piss. A decade ago AJ was a short haired good Christian boy with no personality, it's kind of impressive how good he's got at being a dick. AJ says they also need to apologise to Cena who comes out on the ramp and says AJ broke the contract he signed where there would be no Club in the match.

The Club stick to their BS story, I love how Cena is more pissed off that AJ doesn't have any respect for THE WRESTLING than he is at what AJ did to him. AJ says Cena has wrestle anyone from the Club tonight, Cena's VENGEANCE BONER kicks in and he storms down to the ring wanting AJ, but AJ excludes himself. AJ says Anderson can beat Cena by himself so he and Gallows leave ringside.

Segment #6 - John Cena Vs Karl Anderson

This Raw probably has too much going on for its own good, but considering a couple of years ago your average three hour Raw had about 20 minutes of entertainment on it it's not the worst problem to have. The good news is WWE don't actually waste a match between Anderson and Cena on a random Raw, the bad news is Cena makes Anderson look like an absolute chump until Gallows and AJ interfere and start beating him down. The Club hit a Magic Killer and a Styles Clash on Cena and Byron gets really angsty about it on commentary.

Seth says he'll beat Roman. Yup.

Becky is interviewed about how another friend turned on her. Don't bother with them Becky! Keep your socialising on Twitter when you can be distant and in control. Natalya attacks her from behind.

Segment #7 - Baron Corbin Vs Zack Ryder

Baron does one of the oldest heel tricks ever; pretending to have an eye injury so he can get a cheap shot, and the announcers seem utterly confused by it. For a 20 year announcing veteran and a former wrestler Cole and Byron do really good impression of people who have never seen wrestling before every week. It's a competitive match but that's about all Zack Ryder can hope for, after a couple of minutes Baron hits End of Days for the win.

Segment #8 - WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP - Charlotte Vs Paige

Michael Cole starts calling the match as soon as the bell rings for the pre-championship match introductions, again, the impression is FLAWLESS. A minute into the match Dana Brooke pulls Charlotte out of Paige's grip right in front of the referee, then gets involved to give Charlotte an obvious advantage but doesn't get removed from ringside. For god's sake, last week Owens broke up a pinfall in a tag match and dragged his partner to the corner and tagged himself off, and now this, enforce your rules you chumps. 

Charlotte hits a moonsault on Paige and looks about ready to cry when she kicks out. After a brief exchange Paige hits the Rampaige near the ropes. Dana grabs Charlotte's foot and puts it on the rope, but she screws it up and ends up having to grapple the foot on the rope right in the front of the referee. Some awkwardness occurs, the ref throws Dana out while the FINISH is happening probably due to Vince screams in his ear and Charlotte wins. An okay match ruined by two really bad spots. I don't want to knock her personally but I do not understand why Dana Brooke is on the main roster, and any more gaffs like these she won't be around for too much longer.

After the match Charlotte and Dana beat down Paige, Sasha's music hits and she fights them off with Paige. Sasha holds up the women's title to Yes! chants.

Reigns does a terrible promo, the Wyatts show up for the first time in months...again...with little fanfare.

Segment #9 - Wyatt Family and New Day promo

The crowd is pumped to see the Wyatts, it doesn't take long for Bray to get interrupted by the New Day...for no real reason. Xavier locks eyes with Bray and gets caught in a trance, no idea what that's about. I can't say I'm not interested in this feud but WWE do crap like this all the time and it's the worst way to start a feud. It's like New Day checked the script and saw they were feuding with the Wyatts next so came out to declare their intention to start a feud. 

I'm guessing either one or both of these teams are getting broken up in the draft, or they'll end up on different shows and WWE don't want to miss their opportunity to do this so they're rushing into it. And let's face it, don't all good wrestling storylines start off like that?

No?

Another Backlund and Darren Young promo air, the fact WWE are playing these on Smackdown first makes me think they might not have that much faith in them. 

Segment #10 - Rusev Vs Titus O'Neil

God there is too much too fast on this show, we're still only three quarters of the way through it and I'm already burnt out. Now we go from a Lana introduction for Rusev, an entrance, then cut back to Renee Young to interview Titus, and now we have another rematch from a Pay-Per-View on the show.

Rusev plays some mind games running at Titus while he tries to get in the ring. Then a big beefy brawl breaks out before a bell rings. It's a clash of ideologies, the Ultimate American Dad Vs the Bulgarian who rejects the capitalist construct of "Dad". It's not exactly pretty or well coordinated but it's accompanied with a lot sweaty man flesh slaps. Rusev runs away after getting thrown over the guard rail.

Michael Cole talks about the draft on the first live Smackdown, he claims it brings up an interesting question, WHAT IF THE MIZ AND MARYSE WERE SPLIT UP? Yea that's clearly what's on everyone's mind. It's just an awkward segue into another Miz Facebook video from the set of the Marine 5. Y'know I like Miz with the title but if there's one guy on the roster who shouldn't disappear from the roster for weeks to record a movie it's the INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION.

Dadicho gets in Shane McMahon's face backstage, he claims Shane didn't make him the No 1 Contender because he doesn't like him. He says he hopes he doesn't get drafted to the show Shane will run, Shane says he's gonna run both. Dadicho pulls a dad face.

Segment #11 - NO 1 CONTENDERSHIP - Seth Rollins Vs Roman Reigns

Deano the Dude is on commentary, Seth Rollins is a grump, Roman Reigns is met with "You Can't Wrestle!" "Yes He Can!" dueling chants, which isn't quite as impressive as "Let's Go Cena!" "Cena Sucks!" Dean gets much more intense whenever he thinks about either man trying to take his title around. Intense Ambrose is so much better than Kooky Ambrose and I hope he finds a better balance as this story builds.

This is Seth's first match on Raw since his injury, and this is Roman's first main event segment on Raw in I don't even know how long, it's kind of strange how little he was featured on the show while he was champion. The match itself is a strong performance by both men but I still think it's kind of scummy to do Pay-Per-View rematches on free TV the night after, especially one you promoted as WRESTLEMANIA MAIN EVENT WORTHY. 

Roman spears Rollins over the announce table and both men fail to make it back into the ring for a double count out. Shane McMahon says THAT'S NOT HOW WE DO IT, Dean says he'll just fight them both at Battleground, Shane makes a triple threat and that's that. Dean hits Dirty Deeds on Roman and Seth. If they continue this trend of Ambrose getting even nuttier whenever his title is threatened this could be a really great development for his character.

We're getting the Shield main event at Battleground, so god knows what they'll do for Summerslam, but no way these three guys will all end up on the same show so fair's fair.

Closing Thoughts

This is the kind of Raw that's mostly exhausting to watch. There were good things on it but outside of the main event very little of them were given time to breathe or mean anything. I'd expect the show to feel like this for the next couple of weeks, a lot of stuff is getting rushed together before the draft changes everything. Slightly too much happening is better than nothing happening.

RATING: Thumbs up and thumbs down I'LL TAKE EM BOTH

Raw Recap 23rd May, 2016 - Redesign, Rebuild, Reclaim

Just like Seth Rollins I have rushed back from injury to bring you the return of the RAW RECAP, let's get back into this jam:

Segment #1 - Seth Rollins promo

Rollins comes out covered in Mark Henry sweat to an overwhelming hero's welcome. He looks like he's going to play it up at first but quickly slides back into his old role and says the fans have never supported him and he doesn't need them...and he actually manages to get a heel reaction from it! When I first saw Seth as Tyler Black in Ring of Honor he could barely cut a promo at all, it's ridiculous how much he's improved over the course of his WWE run. He's that rare talent who is already world class but just won't stop getting even better.

Reigns comes down the ramp, Rollins takes off his jacket and looks ready to fight but bails when Reigns comes into the ring. Shane O'Mac comes down, gets a pop for no reason as usual, panders to the crowd then proceeds to recite the script like he's reading it off an imaginary autocue. Shane makes Reigns Vs Rollins for the title at Money In The Bank, good to get that set up early, Reigns holds up the title and gets booed. 

Sheamus is interviewed about his Money in the Bank qualifying match against Sami Zayn later on. Literally nothing to say about this so I'll go with "can you believe Sheamus was the WWE Champion six months ago???"

Segment #2 - MITB Qualifier - Sheamus Vs Sami Zayn

The crowd singing along with Zayn's music is one of my favourite parts of the show now and they keep cutting his entrances short, sad times. They also put the two gingers together in a qualifying match so they don't risk both of them getting in, bloody typical. 

Zayn's great because he's such an emotional performer even when he's fighting guys way bigger than him he can fire up with lariats and Michinoku drivers and you still believe it. He gets a clean win off Sheamus in a short but pretty good match, the announcers make a big deal about how he won Money in the Bank last year but didn't even qualify this year, which is the only reason he was involved at all.

Apollo Crews is interviewed about his qualifying match with Jericho, an angry Sheamus attacks him from behind and throws him around the backstage area. Apollo's already starting to float, not even getting consistent squash matches on television so at least he's getting into some kind of real feud.

Segment #3 - The New Day Vs Social Outcasts

New Day celebrate Raw's "birthday" because it's the 1200th episode and taunt the front row and announcers with a cake spot. Then the mercifully still together but Rose-less Social Outcasts attack them from behind. I was worried Heath Slater was going to lose another batch of companions like a rock n' roll Doctor Who.

There's a commercial break between the attack and the start of the match which is odd as it's basically a squash with New Day going over after about two minutes. Heath takes a bump into the cake, which is fair enough but seemed to be done for its own sake (hey they rhymed!) It's like Vince said "DAMMIT, cake spots are the funniest and we haven't done one in ages...where's Cody when you need him".

Segment #4 - MITB Qualifier - Cesaro Vs The Miz

Mike "Money" Mizanin and Maryse cut a promo about how he survived the fatal four way match at Extreme Rules, how he's on the roll of his life and he's going to win the Money in the Bank contract too. 

"Cesaro had the Miz tapping out but the referee didn't see it because of the CHAOS IN A FATAL FOUR WAY MATCH" You mean Maryse got dragged into the ring and distracted the referee? That seems worth mentioning!

Cesaro starts off the match with a huge flurry of offense, one problem with Cesaro is everything he does is so awesome it starts to become absurd that he hasn't already won...especially when he's in there with someone as "beatable" as The Miz. Miz manages to make a comeback by targeting Cesaro's shoulder...which he actually sells through the whole match even when he's back on offense and it actually affects how the match ends! Thanks Cesaro! Hope you uppercut a ladder in the MITB match.

Seth is interviewed backstage about his title match, he sees Stephanie and tries to greet her with a hug but she blows him off. Seth's relationship with the Authority was always so confusing I genuinely can't remember if they were getting along when he got hurt anyway.

Segment #5 - MITB Qualifier - Chris Jericho Vs Apollo Crews

Chris Jericho comes out with a major case of grump face and covered with tack holes, Apollo comes out smiley and jumping around and same as ever despite being attacked by Sheamus about an hour ago. I don't know whether to blame Apollo or the agents for this but this is absolutely absurd, why do angles if they're not going to mean anything. Then we cut to Sheamus watching the match on television, because for some reason he's really invested in some guy he attacked randomly in a hissy fit.

There wasn't that much to the match, the crowd mostly didn't care outside of some tepid duelling chants. The fact Apollo wasn't bothering to sell his attack from Sheamus and Jericho was visibly covered in wounds did Apollo no favours. There's an awkward spot near the end where Apollo kips up as Jericho goes for a lionsault and I think Crews was supposed to catch him but got kicked in the head instead. Whatever the finish was supposed to be, it probably wasn't an improvised Codebreaker out of nowhere.

This was bad, I'm genuinely baffled at what they were going for with it, the referee was talking to Apollo a lot during the match so it's possible Vince was going nuts on the headset. Jericho beats Apollo clean in a sloppy match where the beat up old man beat the star of tomorrow.

Another Darren Young and Bob Backlund promo airs, still don't get it.

Baron Corbin is interviewed by a nine year old girl. He gets heat with me because he says "he could care less" about what people think, which means he totally does care. Dolph Ziggler shows up and tries to be funny, Baron accepts another match for literally no reason...for NEXT WEEK. This feud has already gone on longer than it should of and now Corbin's 2-1 up why is this still going. 

Segment #6 - Big Cass Vs Bubba Ray Dudley

Big Cass comes out alone, then stops on the ramp to call out Enzo, who gets a nice pop as he runs around the set throwing his mic around. They milk their opening promo a little too much, Enzo sometimes waits for the crowd too much, Cass still looks slightly terrified.

This feud's got an uphill battle considering Cass has been beating up the Dudleys by himself without Enzo's help the past few weeks anyway. There's not much to the match, Cass doesn't feel ready for prime time as far as his singles matches go. Enzo gets a few licks on D-Von, Cass beats Bubba.

Segment #7 - State of the Women's Championship Address

It's fine when someone is being interviewed or addressing the public for whatever reason, but I cannot stand it when performers go down to the ring to act out a high school play in front of a crowd for no reason. Charlotte is getting better at promos, and Ric Flair is an all time great, but that doesn't mean either of them are good actors. 

The Flairs give their life stories, then Charlotte tells Flair to get out of her ring and tears into her dad. It gets better as it goes along when Ric turns on the waterworks and Charlotte starts to get into her groove. Charlotte says Ric is dead to her, forces him to leave the ring and even sings the Na Na Na song. This was cartoonish and came out of nowhere, but the Flairs put their all into it and got something out of this, Charlotte needed to get away from Ric at some point and there were worse ways to do it than this I suppose.

Segment #8 - MITB Qualifier - Dolph Ziggler Vs Dean Ambrose

This is one of those weird situations where you know the match is probably going to be pretty good but...who cares, the finish is obvious, we know exactly how this will go, we'll forget by the time the show ends. Ziggler might be able to put on a show on a good day but having zero momentum is a hard hurdle to overcome. 

It's a decent little match, Dean Ambrose beats Dolph as clean as you can get with Dirty Deeds with few near falls in between. Ambrose is my personal pick for winning the actual ladder match too.

Renee tries to get a word with Ric Flair as he leaves the arena but he's sad.

The Shining Stars cut a promo and I've seen better green screen effects in Byte Control.

Segment #9 - MITB Qualifier - AJ Styles Vs Kevin Owens

Before the match AJ cuts a promo on Roman Reigns and says he's one of the better men he's ever been in the ring with (and gets booed). AJ says could have had Reigns beat if it wasn't for dudes getting involved in the match. Notch lookalikes Anderson and Gallows are offended by that comment and come out to say that AJ has changed. AJ says that he wants to stay friends but professionally they need to separate. Fans want to see Bullet Club so that gets him booed too, should have thought this out more WWE!

There's a commercial break, WWE announce a Cesaro Vs Miz Intercontinental title match for Smackdown because Cesaro beat the champion, nice! Also Kalisto's US title rematch is on Smackdown this week too, I fear that might just to be to get his rematch out of the way before Cena comes back.

Kevin Owens finally hits the ring and he must have been waiting in the Gorilla position for about ten minutes while all this was going on. As much as I love seeing these guys work together it seems odd they keep throwing this away on Raw. There's a great spot early on where AJ misses his leapfrog dropkick and Owens sarcastically applauds him and then eats it anyway. Owens is getting better at getting his entertaining dickishness in without making his opponents look bad.

Another match where I couldn't stop thinking about how the "New Era" needs to include a new announce team, there was a point in the second half of the match where they weren't even trying to call moves. 

*move* "oOOOOOOOOOOO!" "how did he kick out of that!" *awkward silence*

Owens powerbombs AJ onto the steel steps, which isn't a DQ for some reason but it leads into the finish. AJ tries to make another comeback but Owens finishes him off with a Pop Up Powerbomb. A great main event for Raw, and the announcer got one thing right and kept talking about how beat up AJ must be from Extreme Rules so he didn't get hurt by Owens beating him (mostly) clean. I'm still picking Ambrose but if WWE aren't going to use the briefcase to transition him directly into a Shield feud then Owens is my second choice.

Closing Thoughts 

Solid matches kept this show's head above water, you can only expect so much from these "qualifier" episodes. Hey, at least it wasn't a Beat the Clock Challenge. Nothing was astounding but it's nice to see Rollins back, AJ and Kevin Owens had a pretty good match and Apollo Vs Jericho was the only segment that flat out didn't work at all. 

I hope we get some interesting developments in Reigns Vs Rollins and The Club situation going forward because the show is going to need that for intrigue going into Money in the Bank. Building the MITB participants out of established feuds is a smart move but it doesn't hide the fact we all know we're going to be getting a lot of meaningless tag matches in the coming weeks.

Also Cena's back next week! I sincerely hope they haven't just put the US title on Rusev so he can lose it back to Cena again but on the other hand I have zero issue with them making Cena the US champ again so whatever. Cena is at his best when he's with fresh guys and I'm genuinely excited to see who he's going to be working with!

All in all, fine Raw, it's established The Club aren't a thing, Rollins is back and the No 1 Contender, Cena's coming back, Charlotte's on her own and most of the Money in the Bank participants are now known, so there's a lot of pieces in place for the coming weeks. But for the love of god, find something for New Day to do already.

RATING: HEADLOCK MASTER

Raw Recap 9th May, 2016 - WHERE'S DEAN AMBROSE?

It's my birthday so I don't have to think of a real intro! 

Segment #1 - Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel

Dadicho is still on his best run in years and proves it by kicking off Raw and getting the crowd to chant for a dead potted plant. Jericho rants and raves about Dean Ambrose and how he's a loser like all the fans and he can't relate to that. SAWFT's music hits, and Big Cass walks out by himself, the delay between the music hitting and the actual entrance keeps getting people excited to see Enzo again, he should get a pretty sweet pop whenever he does come back.

Cass has been holding up well in these segments considering he doesn't necessarily seem to be a natural on the mic and he's leant on Enzo to hold these things together for years. He challenges Jericho to a match, Jericho walks away, Cass does his SAWFT catchphrase (no member of the roster is allowed near a microphone unless they say at least 3 things that could potentially be put on a T-Shirt) Jericho runs back towards and ring and eats a big boot for it.

Nice to see the show started with wrestlers pushing their own angles, as opposed to momma or pappa McMahon generically talking about how "big" the show's going to be and throwing random matches together between whoever interrupts them.

Jericho talks to Stephanie backstage, these two always have great chemistry. Stephanie puts Jericho in a match with Cass and tells him not to try and cause drama between her and Shane.

Segment #2 - Baron Corbin Vs Dolph Ziggler

This feud needs to be wrapped up pretty soon, not that it's been awful, but extended feuds with Dolph Ziggler are never exactly momentum builders. 

JBL: "Dolph Ziggler has fought them all and BEAT them all!!" ????

There's a great spot where Ziggler sandbags Corbin and appears to be hurt just enough to draw concerned silence from the crowd, only for him to leap up and hit a Fame Asser for a big pop. Then Ziggler takes the DAMNEST Deep Six you'll ever seen and it looks so disgusting it was borderline criminal that he kicked out of it. Corbin gets the win anyway off the End of Days. Good match between these two, pretty much what it needed to be...although I hope we don't see more of it for now.

Backstage Charlotte and Ric are sucking up to Shane McMahon to try and reverse Stephanie's Extreme Rules decision. Shane says it stands AND bans Ric from ringside for tonight. Ric looks like he wants blood...although in fairness I can't imagine he has that much left.

"THE CLUB" are interviewed by Jojo, I guess WWE don't want to risk infringing New Japan's trademarks so they're taking Sega's. AJ says THE CLUB is officially back together again.

Segment #3 - R-Truth Vs Fandango

again

fuck you

Backstage, Kevin Owens, Miz and Cesaro are bickering to Shane and Stephanie about the Intercontinental Championship. Stephanie says it'll be a triple threat at Extreme Rules, Sami Zayn says he has a problem with that. Shane makes a match between Miz and Sami, if Sami wins it's a fatal four way.

Segment #4 - Charlotte Vs Paige

Kind of a shame Paige has probably been the biggest casualty of all the new DIvas introduced to the main roster. Natalya is on commentary and does a miserable job at it, making bad jokes, ignoring questions asking about her potentially losing to Charlotte, talking about having respect while coming off extremely arrogant and talking about her famous uncle Bret. If you hadn't seen a Raw in a few months and heard her performance as she talks smack about Ric Flair you'd definitely assume she was heel.

Charlotte tries to cheat in the match, Natalya hops up on the apron, I think she was supposed to throw Charlotte's feet off the ropes but they screwed up on the timing. Ric comes out, Shane comes out (with music, because it's really important to get rid of Ric so there's no distractions) with referees to escort him away. In the commotion Paige rolls up Charlotte for the win. A decent match and a decent finish idea but it fell apart in execution somewhat.

Segment #5 - Sami Zayn Vs The Miz

Here's your mandatory Smackdown rematch of the week, Sami is dominant for much of the early portion of the match but dumps Zayn over the top rope face first onto the steps to gain the advantage. That leads us into QUICK CUTS to Kevin Owens and Cesaro watching different TVs in different rooms, so I guess the Raw backstage team have two separate crews dedicated to "DUDES WATCHING TV AT A WEIRD ANGLE" cams.

It's weird to me Miz still uses the figure four leg lock now he's back in full "Hollywood douche" mode, he first started using that move in 2012 when he was a workhorse babyfa...HAHAHAHAHAHA oh yea they actually tried that with him.

Miz is underrated but you know he's working with someone great when his matches start kicking off "This is Awesome" chants. Sami brings so much energy and emotion to his matches he made beating Miz in a non-title match feel like a moment. We now have a fatal four way for the title at Extreme Rules.

Becky Lynch is interviewed about her match with Emma last week, Emma gets in her face and tells Becky to watch her back as Becky is attacked by...Dana Brooke? Surprised she's getting called up of all people. 

They replay the Darren Young/Bob Backlund promo from Smackdown, maybe they played it on Smackdown first to see what the reaction would be because it...sure is an idea. 

New Day, Sasha Banks and Dolph Ziggler jerk off over some pizza together.

Zack Ryder is talking to Shane McMahon until Kevin Owens interrupts him (again). I wonder if a Shane Vs Owens match is on an idea blackboard buried in Titan Towers somewhere. Shane makes a match between Ryder and Owens with the winner getting the spot at Extreme Rules. I still hate this trope of the owners throwing together random matches on the fly every single week, but at least these segments are taking place backstage where they belong and not in the same identical opening promo

The Usos and Reigns are interviewed...CHRIST...is this TNA Impact 2010? Why are there so many non-wrestling segments in a row. Reigns says he'll eliminate AJ in the tag match later.

Segment #6 - Sin Cara Vs Rusev

Crowd chants "We Want Lana" when she's right there, because wrestling fans.

Rusev is so great, he has the best facial expressions and is the perfect mix of "Saturday Morning Cartoon villain" and a real hyper masculine dude. Sin Cara gets the win via interference from Kalisto, which felt a little too easy but they're letting Kalisto get his licks in now since I suspect he may be killed to death at the Pay-Per-View.

Segment #7 - ELIMINATION TAG: Roman Reigns and The Usos Vs Styles, Gallows and Anderson

When you put this at the end of the second hour to leave the main event spot to Chris Jericho Vs Big Cass you may as well just paste DEAN AMBROSE IS COMING BACK AND A THING WILL HAPPEN on the titantron.

Jey Uso is first to be eliminated, he gets rolled up off an illegal right hand by Gallows, Anderson pulls the tights to try make it look less silly to be pinned off a single thrust but Jey sells it like he's been KOed anyway. Reigns fires up and soon after Anderson gets caught by a rollup to make it 2 vs 2. The other Uso gets eliminated during the break.

Reigns pins Gallows clean off a Superman Punch which should be banned, that crap is only justifiable as a setup signature move. That leaves us to Reigns and AJ, which is the main event of the next PPV but not the main event of Raw because DEAN AMBROSE IS DEFINITELY NOT SHOWING UP TONIGHT.

AJ is getting a lot more aggressive and beats down Reigns inside the ring, and then sets up the announce table to repay the favour from last week but gets LAUNCHED over the table into one of the announcer's chairs. Reigns is about to powerbomb AJ through the table again but Anderson and Gallows hit Reigns with a chair for the DQ. The Usos come back too but get fought off. Reigns comes back and spears both of them. Reigns looks like he's about to go nuts on both of them with a chair but gets kicked by AJ. AJ attempts to Style Clash Roman on a chair...bad choice but NO WAY in hell is that ever happening.

Roman tosses AJ over the top rope and they stare down each other, Roman offers the chair to AJ, AJ kicks it back, AJ misses a phenomenal forearm and rolls out of the ring...which gets him booed, it was a great segment apart from that. I love how this is escalating every week, two groups of guys who just want to fight each other all the time. A lot of these segments are even ending with a 50/50 crowd split between AJ and Reigns, it's making both guys look like stars.

Segment #8 - Zack Ryder Vs Kevin Owens

The crowd were too burned out from all the six man excitement to get into Ryder like they did last week, Ryder gets a short rally but it's shut down after a couple of minutes by a pop up powerbomb. Owens gets the win, retains his spot in the match, and mouths off at Cole for a bit.

For literally no reason they replay Enzo's injury from Payback, someone in the truck must love watching wrestlers getting hurt.

Cass is interviewed, Renee Young can barely hold the microphone high enough to reach his face.

Segment #9 - The New Day Vs Dudley Boyz

JBL dates himself even more than usual by talking about wrestling matches from 1917.

I'm slightly worried the New Day might be losing their momentum a little bit, their shtick is still entertaining but they've had little to work with for the last few months (they're victims of the League).

Gatch and English attack Xavier Woods on the outside which causes enough of a distraction for Kofi to get pinned by D-Von by a clothesline. Vaudevillains finish their beatdown and leave. Match was fun while it lasted, otherwise standard segment to build towards a Pay-Per-View match.

Segment #10 - Big Cass Vs Chris Jericho

Jericho is standing on the titantron making his entrance in the darkness...when SOMEONE attacks him and SOMEONE steals his jacket...I wonder who it could possibly be?!

OH MY GOD.

IT'S DEAN AMBROSE.

I said earlier that Rusev has the best facial expressions but Ambrose and Jericho are gunning for that spot in this segment. Ambrose starts ripping up the jacket and pulling out the wiring...which I'm surprised Jericho was actually willing to do since he really did pay $15,000 of his own money for that thing, I guess WWE must have reimbursed him for that.

Ambrose gets into a brawl and gets his ass handed to him AGAIN, fighting is supposed to be his entire thing WWE, I know Jericho "cheated" by raking his eyes but Ambrose still shouldn't keep coming up short in brawls. Jericho tries to leave with the remains of his jacket, but Cass cuts him off, Jericho slaps him and throws him back into the ring for Ambrose to hit Dirty Deeds and finish off his jacket.

This segment didn't really click, especially not as a main event segment, the expense of that jacket seems to be the only justification for putting this on last. Cass looked like a nerd waiting around on the outside while all this was going on, Ambrose looked like a chump and the crowd didn't care THAT much about Jericho's jacket. 

Stephanie and Shane talk about how well they got along tonight, they show slow motion replays of Ambrose ripping up the jacket...but only once because it's not as entertaining as Enzo getting a concussion. The show goes off the air.

Closing Thoughts

Mostly a collection of competently put together segments which you've got to do when you're putting together a Pay-Per-View with only three weeks of build. Reigns Vs AJ continues to be strong, Ambrose Vs Jericho continues to feel not as good as it should be, and everything else is trucking along fairly. Not too much to say about this one, nothing horrible and nothing amazing either, perhaps a little too much fluff and filler in the middle of the show, but otherwise passable.

RATING: I'm 24 today!