Sherlock Holmes: Crimes and Punishments Review - The Game's Abore

Let’s make it absolutely clear from the start that the only reason I played Sherlock Holmes: Crimes and Punishments was because it was free on PlayStation Plus. Had I been inclined to purchase this videogame with my own money I certainly wouldn’t have gone for the PS3 version seeing as it performs like total garbage. That might seem like the jerkish way to start off a review, but technical complaints are the most boring kind so I wanted it out of the way as soon as possible. Just to say, I did notice, because it’s impossible to ignore, this game runs like complete shit.

Anyway, something that does interest me is the world of murder-mystery fiction, so regardless of reputation if a videogame with the “Sherlock Holmes” branding falls into my lap for free I’m going to give it a go. Of course, I say “branding”, but Sherlock Holmes is a public domain character free to use by anyone, so McDonalds could call those crayon mazes kids get with Happy Meals “Sherlock Holmes and the Hamburglar’s Smuggling Route” and no-one could call the cops on them. In other words, no-one’s enforcing standards here and nobody had to break out the chequebook to make it happen in the first place, so you could be getting yourself into anything.

Still, I have faith in projects such as Sherlock Holmes: Crimes and Punishments for two reasons: 1) murder-mystery fiction is near objectively great, even the absolute worst IQ lowering episode of CSI can get your brain to limp along with it for 45 minutes simply via the appeal of “maybe it was that guy, or he was working with that other guy!” regardless of how unsatisfying the actual conclusion might be. 2) The concept of the Sherlock Holmes character has tons of appeal built straight into it that’s hard to completely screw up.

I’d go so far as to describe the character of Sherlock Holmes as a power fantasy (Disclaimer: this is not a criticism). Here in the West we embrace the idea that being more intelligent that others makes us superior human beings, and although this is somewhat gross, it is highly ingrained into our culture and language. Even if you’re consciously aware of the issue of this it’s still difficult to avoid, I couldn’t think of a snappier way to take a slight dig at CSI than a gag about how its badness lowered intelligence. It’s something that’s difficult to unlearn, but it does create this fantasy where people want to be the smartest person in the room. That’s where the appeal of Holmes comes in, he can walk into any room, tell you your entire life story from your bowtie and stun people into babbling incoherence just via his sheer brilliance. He’s also sort of a jerk and a weirdo, making him enough of an outsider to society where he transcends life’s petty annoyances (like sex) but also establishing that deep down somewhere he has a heart so we know he’s not a complete psychopath. He uses his intelligence regularly to show how he’s superior to other people, but it’s usually at the expense of the police (establishment) or murderers as opposed to the disabled or uneducated, so we don’t get too down about it. Also he punches people.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s even possible to make a truly great Sherlock Holmes videogame, there’s all sorts of issues with it. Problem one is that the “Science of Deduction” is, and always has been, complete nonsense. Which is fine! Fiction can have a lot of fun with that sort of thing and most of the good Holmes adaptions do, but trying to translate that into a videogame probably means a weird adventure game puzzle where you have to follower a designer’s path of logic to one determined conclusion. Crimes and Punishments cops out on this but having you deduce character’s profiles by scrolling the cursor over their body and then the game does all the work for you, it’s little more than a cute visual gimmick.

The second problem is a deeper more form based one, where by virtue of being a videogame you have to give the player some essence of control, and videogame players are not Sherlock Holmes. There you have the internal conflict that a game where you play as Sherlock Holmes might come with the unspoken obligation to make the player “feel” like Sherlock Holmes. So what do you do then? Either you make the puzzles extremely difficult and leave a significant portion of your audience in the dust, or you make your puzzles “accessible” so that players might “feel smarter”. Look, puzzles shouldn’t be hostile towards the player, and asking them to solve something without clear instruction and/or context for what they’re actually doing is an unforgivable sin that will achieve nothing other than triple the hits of your game’s GameFAQs page. Still, puzzles shouldn’t cater to the player, as in they shouldn’t exist purely to serve their ego. If you present me with a locked door, then immediately had me a key, I don’t feel smart because I unlocked the door, I just think “WHY WAS THE DOOR LOCKED?!”

So there’s your two options, both inherently and perhaps fatally flawed on their own merits, and finding some kind of balance between the two nearly impossible. It’s times like this where I wonder if those Professor Layton games are onto something with their decision to have all the puzzles in the game have next to nothing to do with anything. You basically lead the Professor around to where he needs to get to next in order to advance the story, and later on he’ll figure out all the mysteries by himself but in exchange hand you one of those McDonald’s Happy Meal maps to work on while he does it. This might be as close as we ever get to a true Holmes in videogame fiction.

Sherlock Holmes: Crimes and Punishments on the other hand, is here to serve you. It’ll let you choose the (usually obvious) murderer and what to do with them, but other than that it’ll happily handle most of the work of the investigation for you. You have “Holmes abilities” and certain places to go at certain times, but the game flat out tells you with visual prompts when to use them so that no man is left behind. There’s weird little experiment, logic and puzzle minigames to take care off, but you can skip them entirely with a tap of the select button if you don’t want to do them. And boy, did I not want to do them any more when the game shoved that lockpicking minigame in my face for the fourth time within an hour. It’s possibly the worst sin a game like this can make, I find myself skipping puzzles immediately because I don’t care.

Something I do like however is the deduction board, the game will handily note down any clues you come across in your investigation (sometimes there’s a lot of them!), then you can mash these clues together to make deductions. There’s no punishment for getting them wrong, and absolutely nothing to discourage you from simply smashing every combination together until they work, but I found myself not doing that more often than not and actually trying to solve the case so we can still chalk this in the “success” column. Once you’ve made deductions, they appear on a grid and link together to map out a wider understanding of the case, sometimes you can interpret deductions differently and form multiple conclusions off the same bits of information, which is pretty neat!

All of this does a decent job of scratching my brain in the places where I’m liable to be itchy during this sort of thing. I can’t say I’m engaged however, my brain is active but only in a “30-year old businessman solving a Sudoku puzzle on the train” sort of way. Crimes and Punishments feels distinctly flat, and we need to go deeper here to explain why.

Look up to three paragraphs ago you’ll notice the words “choose the murderer and what to do with them”, the second part of that statement was probably confusing if you’ve not played the game. You see, Crimes and Punishments has one of those binary moral choice systems sewn grossly onto its undercarriage, something I thought gaming was growing out of by now. Binary moral choice systems are garbage, a fatal blow to any argument that might try to convince anyone that videogames are “more sophisticated” these days, and the ones in Crimes and Punishments might be the most misguided I’ve ever seen. After picking the murderer (I got it right in all six cases for the record, I’m not sure what happens if you get it wrong because I’m too cool for that) you are offered a choice between “absolving” or “condemning” the criminal. “Absolving” usually means some act of compassion, which sometimes means lying to the police and excusing them of their crime entirely. “Condemning” means just that, and to quote the game itself verbatim; “they deserve the rope.”

I’m not going to get into a long tangent about how utterly ridiculous I think it is that this a moral choice forced upon Sherlock Holmes in all six cases of this game, a guy who solves puzzles for fun and cares more about his ego and his work more than politics or most living people. What I am going to get into however, is Crimes and Punishments’ weird morals and flat fiction. In all six cases, the victim turns out to be some horrible person who probably deserved to die, probably because this is the easiest way to contrive reasons for every other person in the story to have a reason to murder them. Well, in the second case you don’t realise it’s a murder case until near the end, and even then the victims are a bunch of Chileans who you never see or talk to who are implied to have also done some terrible things. In any case, this is still pretty lazy, and leaves us with no connection to the victim or indeed any of the characters. It leaves the entire affair in its rawest form; a puzzle. Which I suppose is how Sherlock Holmes would see things, but that makes it all the more bizarre to throw in the morals at the end.

It’s honestly sort of creepy how this game views 5 out of its 6 suspects as worthy of absolving, regardless of the brutality of its crime or how selfish the intentions were. One case involves Holmes forgiving a guy who killed another guy because he was taking credit for a sword that the murderer found, I mean what? The game seriously expects you to accept that murder isn’t that much of a big deal on the grounds that the victim was sort of a dirtbag and I don’t like it! Please don’t show me your game’s heart if it’s this twisted and confused, just let Lestrad take the guy away in chains and let me think about it. If you’re wondering how I seem to be similar with the content of both choices, it’s because the game allows you to watch your ending and then change it if you don’t like it. So what’s even the point of the choice? L.A. Noire made you feel like dirt when you made a bad decision at the end of a case, sure that was mostly because of bad design on the game’s part which was frustrating, but at least you felt something. All Crimes and Punishments feels like is reading two copies of the same Choose-Your –Own-Adventure book at once.

This really is the death blow as far as this game is concerned, there’s no fun or feeling in anything. The characters are deliberately left lifeless shells so that you can force your own humanity and morals onto them in one meaningless choice of ending cutscenes. Sometimes the game tries to have jokes, but the voice acting is so flat and the animation too limited for me to even notice them until 15 seconds after the punchline’s missed. Note earlier how I said “5 out of 6 criminals can be absolved”, well the one who can’t is one of only 2 non-white characters in the game. The other non-white character is a “comedy” Asian stereotype, while the murderer in the second case is a Mexican who smokes cigars who literally has no name other than “The Mexican”. Neither of these characters are given real names. For god’s sake, at least have some fun with your fiction, I’m not saying I would excuse the casual racism but I would at least have some grains of respect for you if I believed you were trying. Two of the six cases are shamelessly near identical, and the only one that even attempts to turn into a Sherlock Holmes style adventure story bogs itself down in awful adventure game and illogical valve turning puzzles. Then after six cases and about 12 hours it ends on a whimper with some barely mentioned terrorist plot being solved in one scene by one more silly moral choice.

At times Sherlock Holmes: Crimes and Punishments is decent enough brain food for people who like this sort of thing, but it only seems to be starring Sherlock Holmes because calling the game Barry McKnowitall: Jerk Detective Extraordinaire probably would have lowered sales. The only time this game appeared to show any signs of personality whatsoever was whenever the textures wouldn’t load in and Holmes walked around with a puffy monster face. There might be some decent puzzle designers working under the hood here, but they express no love for Holmes or his hyperbole, and not really for humanity either. What you’re left with is a detective adventure game where you play some jerk who wishes he was Sherlock Holmes, and believe me I don’t need a videogame to experience that. 

Azure Striker Gunvolt Review - Neither Mighty Nor Mega

Regardless of your opinion of the first Mega Man X there's little arguing that it nailed what it was going for; an evolution of the core Mega Man formula in all ways that were possible in 1993. Despite the foundation of the series remaining strong, none of Mega Man X's sequels were able to surpass it in any meaningful way. Some people vicariously patrol internet message boards constantly petitioning for Mega Man X9. However, it seems like it should be a low priority considering the guy behind the series has long since left them in the dust, they apparently hate him and he already failed to blow people's minds again within the series with seven attempts. To people who desperately want another Mega Man X from modern day Capcom I must ask; did you play that horrible remake of the first game they put out on the PSP years ago? God, they don't know how to make a good Mega Man game any more even when literally 100% of the work is already done for them.

Well anyway, Inti Creates have put out their own attempt to shake up the old Mega Man X magic with Azure Striker Gunvolt exclusively on the 3DS. It has Mega Man daddy Keiji Inafune on board as "Action Supervisor" (a perfect title for him) and some other guy in the director's chair. The results? Now, instead of finding cleverly hidden Heart Containers with earned equipment and weapons you just play the game a bunch to level up and have your health extend automatically. Also, you don't get anything for defeating bosses other than a rank based number of materials you pick at random, which you can use to craft new equipment. Also, you're not a robot fighting other robots (lovingly) designed for practical purposes to benefit society who have gone rouge, now you're just an anime kid with superpowers fighting other anime kids with different superpowers.

In other words; they didn't shake it up as much as they...uh...ruined it.

Okay that's not entirely fair, Azure Striker Gunvolt does come with a focus on speedruns and perfect runs. You receive a rank every time you beat a level, and you can also activate specific level-based challenges in the "faffing around menus" in between levels to earn extra cash and crafting materials. Getting through each stage itself is moderately easy, but achieving top ranks demands knowledge of the game. It's not a bad system by any means (assuming that you're the sort of person who cares about speedruns and perfect ranks, if you're not it makes the game duller if anything) but it does highlight how this game has too much going on under the hood for its own good. 

First off, if the game 1) has stages that are for the most part, pretty easy to clear and 2) had a focus on speedruns and perfect ranks, then what exactly is the point of having a level up system that awards you with health bar extensions? It benefits neither the novice or the perfectionist. Secondly, in my relatively competent run of the game (got mostly B ranks, and cleared a couple of the bonus challenges) I wasn't able to craft ANYTHING with the materials I obtained until I was two stages away from the end of the game. Perhaps this was bad luck on my part, but if it was bad luck then my bad luck turned one of the game's systems in a superfluous chore that I simply ended up ignoring entirely. Maybe you shouldn't have randomly generated awards in a game this short?

This all speaks to my core issue with Azure Striker Gunvolt, it's a perfectly nice little 3DS eShop title that is stretched and padded and prodded to give the illusion that it's something more sophisticated than it really is. Stages are inflated with non-animated cutscenes and melodramatic dialogue which reads like it was translated over a lunch break. Fun quirks such as defeating bosses to utilise their weapons in stages is replaced with grinding stages again and again to get stuff you might not even want or find useful since you have no control of what you receive. Exploring stages with new toys to find more cool stuff is replaced with "hey man, just keep playing the game a LOT and it'll happen automatically". That's all you really want out of me isn't it Gunvolt? To play you over and over and over until I get my money's worth.

Is the game that I'm being demanded to play over and over to perfect actually fun? Yes and no. You can tell Inafune kept his "Action Supervisor" business card in his wallet, and put said wallet in his shirt pocket so it was as close to his heart as possible because "action" is the best thing Azure Striker Gunvolt has going for it. It's Mega Man X run n' gun action with dashes and wall jumps and changeable weapons as you'd expect, but it has the bonus twist of "tagging". Your core weapon doesn't do much damage, what you need to do is shoot enemies in order to "tag" them. Depending on your choice of weapon you have a limited amount of tags you can have on screen, you can shoot enemies multiple times to tag them harder, and you can tag several enemies at once too. Once tagged, pressing A will activate your fixed electrical attack which autolocks on and does damage to tagged enemies, the more tags the higher the damage. Your electricity regenerates, but if you use it all up you'll overheat and get locked out of using it which can leave you in a bind.

It works well! In situations where you're in tight spots against multiple enemies you have to make snap decisions on how you're going to tag enemies and how many would be optimal to get you out of the situation. Otherwise, it also helps the game maintain a decent flow as you can run head on into enemies, tag them, leap over them and take them out with electric attacks are you descend. Using the electricity also causes you to float down to the ground, causing satisfying encounters as you glide in between a pack of enemies obliterating all of them with one single attack. The boss battles (even though they mostly go on too long for their own good) also make good use of this system, giving you incredibly small windows to tag them and forcing you to learn patterns and when to strike.

Unfortunately, the level design lets it down. Not only does Azure Striker Gunvolt pad itself with superfluous ideas, it also lets it's genuinely good ones flop around and achieve little. The action I've just described might sound fun, but there's too much of the game where that's basically all you do. Levels are pretty long, there's not a huge enemy variety, and a lot the level design is running through the same packs of robots over and over again. One of the last stages in the game forces you to fight a boring and incredibly easy miniboss from the opening stage four times without shame. This is the kind of game where I often forget I have a dash and wall jump abilities because it does nothing interesting with them. The stages all have vague gimmicks related to their end bosses, but again very little is done with them. For example, there's a stage set in an underwater base, it has a section in the middle where you have to run from rising water that's done well. That's all well and good, but that's 1-2 minutes of a 7-9 minute long stage. The boss of this stage can manipulate space and create portals which also show up in the level. What does the game do with this? It throws you through a portal, you come out another portal into a straight corridor with two robots in it. You run to the end of the corridor and another portal takes you somewhere else. This stage does that THREE times.

To sum that up in a way that gives you an impression of how not interesting the level design in Azure Striker Gunvolt is; the only use they could think of for a portal in a videogame was to use it as a door. 

In the end, Azure Striker Gunvolt didn't hold me, I blew through all the stages with few deaths in about two hours and that was in about four separate sittings. Not that there's anything wrong with that mind, a speedrun orientated game for a portable system where you play it in bitesize chunks is perfectly fine. Personally, I don't know if it's wise to focus your game on speedruns, because you know what game people love to speedrun? Mega Man X. It might not have a built-in timer or a ranking system, but it's an interesting and fun game and people sure love learning it inside and out. I think you should be more interested in making your game fun first so then people want to speedrun it. 

It's a well-produced decent 2 hour action game with a few ideas loosely jingling around, the problem is that it presents itself as a game that you should be playing for 20 hours. The deviations from the Mega Man X formula only serve to distract and bore, but it looks good, it feels good and some of the bosses are good, so if you're into this sort of thing you still probably won't hate Azure Striker Gunvolt.

Then again, Mighty No. 9 is coming out VERY soon...

Why You're Not Excited For Wrestlemania 31

Well, it's that time of year again, it's WRESTLEMANIA SEASON! 70,000 fans will pack the Levi's Stadium in California for a star-studied card featuring big title matches, returning legends and bitter rivalries. WWE television of recent months has been home to betrayal, theft, violence, beasts, controversy and the occasional act of magic and it all climaxes this Sunday in the biggest wrestling show of the year!

So why does nobody seem that pumped?

I don't think I'm being that much of a jerk here, I don't think I've seen a single expression of excitement for this year's show whatsoever. I'm sure there are people who are excited, but even if you are you probably still feel like you're not as excited as perhaps you should be. Some people have tried to rationalise it; "Hey, Sting's going to wrestle in the WWE! That's a first!", "We're going to see the Undertaker again for the first time in a year!", "Roman Reigns...uh...they're going to make a new star?" "At least they brought back the ladder match this year!" but it doesn't work.

There's something missing, and it's not necessarily an issue with the card itself, on paper it's a perfectly legitimate Wrestlemania-worthy card. However in wrestling the actual card is half the story at best, the atmosphere and the momentum heading into it is what makes it truly feel big. Take Wrestlemania XXVI for example, go look up the card for that show on Wikipedia right now, it's amazing. On paper it's probably one of the best wrestling cards I've ever seen. But at the time, there was this same sinking feeling that it simply wasn't as big a deal as it should, and most of the show fell flat on the night as well excluding the final hour. Maybe you feel like you're not excited for this year's Wrestlemania because the matches aren't interesting to you or just don't sound that great, but I think it runs deeper than that. 

The full story starts with last year's Wrestlemania.

I bloody loved Wrestlemania XXX, it too had some issues with it's own build on television but the popularity of Daniel Bryan was enough to see it through, and it was a great show in itself. It was also a metaphor for what could be perceived as the future direction of the company, unlikely superstar Daniel Bryan took out three top guys to win the WWE Championship, an era was ended and the myth of the Undertaker was put to bed, outsider Cesaro wins the battle royal with an amazing athletic display despite not even announced to be in it, The Shield destroy 3 old talents in a complete squash match and for the first time in years John Cena is nowhere near the main event of Wrestlemania and is instead caught up in a blood feud with an exciting newcomer. The emotional response to the Undertaker situation muddied a lot of fan opinion at the time, but it really was a fantastic show that seemed to spell out an exciting future for the company focused on fresh talent and athleticism.

Then we have Wrestlemania 31, and it's back to business as usual.

Of the six top spots on this show 4 of them are taken by guys who aren't a part of the active roster, 3 of which are incredibly unlikely to appear on Raw the next night (and certainly not the Raw after that). Now, I'm not going to go on some smarky rant about how they "don't deserve it" or how it somehow doesn't make business sense to put these guys in the top spots of the biggest show, but it's still somewhat underwhelming. We're back to this, really? 

Not to mention all three of these main events have their individual problematic elements. Sure, there's potential excitement in seeing Roman Reigns breakout and take down the beast, but we're not entirely sure about him yet (we were definitely sure about Daniel Bryan) and there's a genuine danger the crowd is going to be pro-Brock. Undertaker Vs Wyatt sounds interesting and in my opinion it's going to be on them to save this show, but there's still inherent confusion about Taker having another match now that he's basically retired and the streak is gone. Then there's Sting Vs Triple H, a match that is nowhere near as intriguing as WWE seem to think it is anyway (was this a dream match for anyone? Seriously) but is having even more life sucked out of it by focusing the angle on "14 years ago" as opposed to the obvious corruption Triple H is guilty of right now. Why didn't they focus this on Sting sticking up for young talent Triple H is keeping down, which would have been a reflection of Triple H's perceived real life persona and the demise of WCW. Who cares about "14 years ago"? WWE, half your audience today wasn't even alive 14 years ago, WHAT ARE YOU DOING.

Aside from the issues with these matches in itself, they also have consequences for the rest of the show, in that there's a "trickle down" effect. Having Sting and Undertaker in top spots pushes down mainstays John Cena and Randy Orton to the midcard. No problem with that in itself, but having those guys in those spots pushes down everyone else under them as well. This is how you end up with Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler and Dean Ambrose completely lost in a bizarre ladder match which will probably open the show. It's booked as a ladder match but I see it as more of a cage, those guys are trapped in that nonsense. No offense, but three of the most popular guys on the roster involved in some of the biggest main event matches of 2014 shouldn't be in the same Wrestlemania match as Cody Rhodes and R-Truth.

So that's Wrestlemania 31, slamming the brakes on what could have been a new direction for the company to spew out a couple of "one time only" big main event matches in a show that will ultimately be irrelevant the second it goes off the air. I'm not going to act like a lot of this isn't the fault of bad writing, WWE television has been unacceptably dull for the past five weeks. But taking this year's card after last year's Wrestlemania, the evolution of NXT and the rise of so many new talents over the past 18 months, the company is still choosing to chew out the old dogs one more time for a boost. That's causing a strange dissonance that's hanging over this entire show and threatening its credibility, and I don't think any amount of good writing would be enough to overcome that with the direction they've chosen.

I'd say don't expect Wrestlemania 31 to be a terrible show, but I wouldn't expect it to be one that has an impact on you. I'm not especially excited for anything that's going to happen on the show, and I doubt much of long term consequence (aside from a Reigns win, but again that's not exciting to a lot of people) is going to happen because..how can it when none of the top guys are sticking around? Think back to Wrestlemania 29, be honest, how much of it do you actually remember outside of maybe the Punk/Taker match? My presumptuous guess is "probably not much" and Wrestlemania 31 is lining up to be another one of those. 

But hey, at least there'll be a ladder match again this year. 

I Hate Fighting Dudes in Mirror's Edge

So I played Mirror's Edge for the first time the other night. As with most games released during the period of my life where I had no money (all of it) I'm late to the party, but the game is returning to relevance with a prequel on the horizon and the "short games" argument that hurt it critically in 2008 flopping back into the public discussion with The Order: 1886.

Panned by many for being too short (it's not) and a "failed experiment" (nope), Mirror's Edge is primarily a first person freerunning game with an emphasis on flow. The game boasts a slick art style with by making interactive bright red interactable objects stand out against a bloomy white city and it looks gorgeous. A common complaint with first person platforming is that precision is impossible because you're unable to see your feet while jumping, well to paraphrase GB "Doc" Burford "Why do you need to see your feet? Can't you just know your feet are under you?" This is a problem for a lot of people as many first person shooters make you feel like you're controlling a floating camera rather than an actual person. Mirror's Edge combats this by incorporating realistic lighting effects and motion wobble, and having the main character Faith move with a sense of momentum with appropriately weighty jumps. You know where your feet are, and you when you get the feel for Mirror's Edge (which will be after about 10 minutes if you're cool) you know when to tuck your legs in while jumping over a fence, you know how far away from the ground you are and when you need to hit the roll button to break your fall.

One of the challenges of discussing Mirror's Edge's freerunning critically is it's one of those games that's wonderful when it works and completely miserable when it doesn't. Sure, I can go through how much I mostly had a good time with it, I could also easily go through points of the level design that push the player towards a certain path and generally having a good time. It would largely be for naught, if you're one of those people who simply cannot get your head around platforming from a first person perspective spatially then I can't help you, you're going to hate the game. Then again, there are some people out there who can't get their head around holding B to run in Mario games, that's not an argument for Mario not working conceptually. It's rough around the edges in places, but Mirror's Edge does prove first person freerunning as a concept and I'm excited to see if they work out the kinks in the sequel.

Of course, all of that above only applies to the parts where you actually are freerunning. Mirror's Edge of course does have combat in it. Terrible, awful, trashy combat.

Let's get it out of the way first why the combat is so bad mechanically. A lot of the time you'll be able to run away or through dudes, but there are times were combat is forced upon you. Running head first into a bunch of dudes unarmed goes about as well as you'd expect, so your first priority is takedown one dude to take his gun. In some situations you'll be able to run up to a dude and bash his brains in, but that takes far too long if there's other dudes in the same vicinity already shooting at you. As a solution to this, Mirror's Edge has a counter manoeuvre where getting close to a dude will cause them to attempt to melee you, and if you tap a button at the right time you'll instantly knock out the dude and automatically equip their weapon. Nice idea, but the timing on this is not nearly generous enough, for a game that focuses on flow it was a pretty bad decision to make a counter move that essentially gets you killed if you fail it so unforgiving. There is an ability to slow down time to make the counter easier, but the problem with that is it slows down time too much and I end up screwing it up half the time anyway...then I have to get dude-punched in the face in slow motion instead which makes me feel like garbage.

When you actually have a gun there's no indicator of how many bullets are in it, and there's usually not many. So in hectic moments which turn into full on shootouts (which is most of the final hour of the game) Mirror's Edge turns into a tedious daisy chain of shooting a dude, replacing your gun with his gun then shooting the next dude. Long story short, the combat in Mirror's Edge isn't very good, and not many people seem to disagree with this sentiment. The argument isn't so much whether the combat is good or not, but more whether they should try to improve it in the next game or simply remove in entirely.

I'm all for Mirror's Edge having combat, as good as the game is when it's flowing beautifully scuttling over walls and jumping from pipe to pipe is going to get dull eventually without something to spice it up. I like the idea of physical combat, a focus on one hit environmental takedowns (note: not QTEs) using the space and the layout of walls and rooftops. I also like the idea of having usable items like bricks or trashcan lids that can be thrown to distract dudes or knock something over to change the environment and potential scenarios around you. What I don't like however, is the inclusion of guns.

Shooting in games (when done right) is not boring, and I'm not about to make an argument to the contrary, but considering how grounded Mirror's Edge gets and how the flow comes crashing to a halt every time you pick up a weapon I can't consider the inclusion of guns as anything other than a cop-out. Not only does this defy their own concept mechanically, there's something psychologically wrong with it that undermines the cool parts of Mirror's Edge for me as well.

There's a section in the second chapter where Faith is supposed to meet up with another one of the "runners" to get some intel, so you end up chasing after a guy who has the same freerunning abilities as you. I like this section quite a bit, it's like a nice little challenge mode woven smoothly into the narrative as you're forced to react as fast as possible to keep up with this guy. Near the end of the chase there's a part where he runs towards an elevator, and by the time Faith gets there the doors are already closing on the elevator and you see the guy waving cockily at you as he gets away. When I'm on the run from the cops, snipers and superdudes trained to chase after me on the rooftops (they're like the Shadow Marios from Sunshine) I want to be like that guy! I want to escape from all these oppressive forces in the coolest way possible, I want to imagine Inspector Zenigata lost in my dust behind me stomping on his hat. If Faith had tried to do what that guy did in that sequence, she would have faceplanted into the elevator doors, turned around and stabbed the guy chasing her, then grumbled to herself as she took the stairs.

Another analogy is the appeal of stealth games, the cathartic nature of overcoming tension and being able to enter and exit an area without being spotted. Many stealth games will instafail you or leave you helpless if you do get caught, but others will give you the option to murder your way out of any dire situation. Okay sure, you can murder a bunch of guys and still achieve the objective, maybe in some games it's even fun to do that, but you seriously don't feel like a good thief/assassin/ninja when you do that. Even through winning it's hard to not feel like kind of a loser. Mirror's Edge is probably actually worse than that example because it forces you to murder dozens of dudes regardless of how good you are at the game. No matter how free you feel when you're moving, no matter how good you are at traversing the environment around you, Faith is a horrible murderer and a mediocre escape artist. It's impossible to run away from that.

Sure, shooting could be better in Mirror's Edge, maybe it will be better in the next game, but I can't get the idea out of my mind that not only does the game not need shooting, having shooting at all is actively hurting it. It lowers my sympathy for Faith as a character story wise, it undermines the sense of freedom and catharsis of escaping narrative wise, and it's pretty boring mechanics wise. If we must see it return in the next game I sincerely hoped it's at least toned down or balanced with other far more interesting elements. 

As Gamasutra said in their review of the game; Mirror's Edge is a "shooter that makes you hate to shoot".

WWE Fast Lane 2015 Review

After the complete mess that was the Royal Rumble last month, WWE hope to get in the right gear on the Fast Lane to Wrestlemania. Will they be able to save themselves from another car crash or pull out a last minute momentum boost with a good show. Either way, wrestling fans will largely not care about the quality of the show and judge it entirely based on who wins between Roman Reigns and Daniel Bryan! So here's an utterly pointless review of WWE Fast Lane!

Match 1 - Dolph Ziggler, Erick Rowan and Ryback Vs Seth Rollins, Big Show and Kane

Considering the fallout from Survivor Series it's pretty sad that this was the only spot on the card for these guys on this particular show. There's nothing wrong with temporarily ducking a spot while other feuds require the limelight, but a Pay-Per-View six man tag match? Ouch. Rollins is in feud limbo while creative flip flop on when to bring Randy Orton back, and Ziggler is in limbo because...he's Dolph Ziggler, it's all he knows.

The match itself is about as typical as these things get, Erick Rowan sells for the babyface team for most of the match. Then Ryback gets a hot tag, then Ziggler gets another hot tag, and after not that much of a comeback Big Show hits an illegal knockout punch from the outside behind the referee's back for the win. Post match the Authority beat up on all three guys some more until Randy Orton's music hits and he chases everyone off. 

Honestly, considering creative were putting off Orton's return for weeks this was fairly underwhelming for his return. Rollins Vs Orton should be one of the bigger matches on this year's Wrestlemania, after being gone for three months returning (and failing to actually make any kind of save for the other babyfaces) after an opening six man tag match is kind of weak. 

Match Highlight -Ziggler shouting at the ref "Rowan's hurt!" and a ringside fan shouting back "NO HE'S NOT IT'S FAKE"

Match 2 - Stardust Vs Goldust

In yet another wonderful case of the internet being wrong on literally everything related to wrestling, the match rumoured to take place at Wrestlemania for about 5 years finally happens on the February Pay-Per-View in 2015. This match reminds me of the John Cena Vs Bray Wyatt match from Wrestlemania last year, where the guys are trying their best to tell a story in the ring but the audience are struggling to get into it because the writer haven't done their job telling it to us. Although the live crowd did inject some intrigue into the match by chanting "Cody" at Stardust and giving him something to react to.

The match ends with an awkward roll up (with the referee not making a third count but calling for the bell for whatever reason) by Goldust because he doesn't really want to hurt his brother. Stardust sulks out of the ring and we move on. An awkward finish, confusing narrative and a mostly bored crowd really killed this one, which is a shame considering the talent of both guys.

Match Highlight - Err, lots of Stardust hissing?

Backstage Stardust attacks Goldust and cuts a promo on his dad about how Cody Rhodes is dead. Normally I would roll my eyes at this sort of thing but Cody has such a great track record with weird gimmicks I wouldn't worry about it.

Match 3 - WWE Tag Team Championship - The Usos(c) Vs Cesaro and Tyson Kidd

Tyson Kidd looks SO happy to be on a Pay-Per-View.

I really like this matchup, I approve of stagnant midcarders being thrown into logical tag teams and Cesaro and Kidd are a great mix of speed and strength. The Usos are one of the best tag teams in the world today but they've already wrestled everyone there is to wrestle and were in desperate need of new opponents to not become stale. 

As you'd expect it's an exciting match (not exciting enough for the commentators to actually react to it during high spots apparently but oh well) and after a lengthy breakdown Tyson Kidd hooks one of the Usos up in...uh...a super slam let's say and wraps him up for the win. The moment was made by the crowd really wanting to see Kidd and Cesaro take the belts. 

Match Highlight - Cesaro swinging one of the Usos (I don't know which one) by one leg and then sliding into a half boston crab. Also the crowd going back and forth between "This is Awesome" and "Tyson Kidd" chants. 

Triple H and Sting Meet Face to Face

It's kind of a weird wrestling thing that you roll your eyes at but it's pretty bizarre to see a pre-segment promo for two guys going out to the ring to talk to each other.

Triple H comes out to the ring in a leather jacket, branded T-Shirt and blue jeans, maybe the fact he's about to promote a Wrestlemania match with Sting made him forget it's not 2002. It's kind of weird to see Triple H make himself the heel by pushing the fact he helped push WCW out of business, when one of the big reasons the Invasion angle failed so many years ago is the company's complete refusal to do that. Trips does all of the talking here because Sting used up all his Dark Knight quotes in TNA. After promising Sting a chance to "extend his legacy" by walking away the offer is obviously refused and the fight is on.

Trips gets the upper hand by hitting Sting with the microphone and goes for the sledgehammer, but Sting catches him and holds Trips up by the throat with his bat for a great visual, then points it at the Wrestlemania sign. Sting goes to walk away but Triple H goes to ambush him again, gets caught in the midsection with a bat and another Scorpion Death Drop.

This segment was pretty much what it needed to be, although their efforts to make Sting as cool as possible so far are making Triple H look like a bit of a dweeb. They're going to have to do a pretty major beatdown of Sting at some point during the next five weeks.

Match 4 - WWE DIvas Championship - Paige Vs Nikki Bella(c)

It was always hard to watch WWE Divas matches, but the quality of NXT Diva's division has made it nigh on impossible. At least Paige is cool and er, Nikki is one of the *not so terrible* ones. Also, whatever happened to the thing about the Bellas hating each other and Brie being Nikki's slave? I don't blame creative for dropping it but I honestly don't remember it having any kind of conclusion. 

Well whatever, some stuff happens then Nikki pins Paige with an awful thigh pulling roll up. 

Match Highlight - The concession stand made $630.21 during this match.

A flashy Wrestlemania graphic confirms Triple H Vs Sting for Wrestlemania. The WWE production guys are amazing, how did they throw that together in 10 minutes!!!! (lol)

Match 5 - WWE Intercontinental Championship - Dean Ambrose Vs Wade Barrett(c)

On the pre-show they played a pretty impressive interview/promo package regarding Dean Ambrose and what the Intercontinental Championship means to him. The fact that package didn't make it onto the Pay-Per-View itself pretty much sums up how the company actually feels about the title.

Ambrose is crazy over, the production crew even switched to a wide shot of the arena during the match that's normally saved for Daniel Bryan level crowd reactions. After kicking out of Wasteland and avoiding the bull hammer elbow Ambrose comes back and Wade Barrett constantly tries to run away with his title. Ambrose beats on him so much trying to stop him leaving he gets disqualified. I like the fact that Wade tried to desperately get away from Dean but it's still a pretty weak finish to an otherwise fun match. 

Intercontinental title matches are really rare at Wrestlemania these days, but I don't know what else there is for either guy to do this year and they deserve the spot, so hopefully they save the rematch for then. 

Match Highlight - An incredibly dorky sounding fan at ringside shouting at Barrett "I got bad news Barrett...YOU SUCK ehehehehe". 

Out of nowhere the lights go dim and the druids come out, then the infamous gong hits and I cream myself a little. A casket is pushed down to ringside, it's opened and up sits...Bray Wyatt. Looks like the Undertaker was the target of Bray's cryptic promos and they actually are going for this match for Wrestlemania. I'm looking forward to it but it's going to be a difficult one to book with the streak gone. Bray cuts another promo directly on the Undertaker and about how he's a broken shell of what he used to be, and flat out confirms a Wrestlemania match. I guess we're just assuming Undertaker accepts the challenge. Oh well, this was a nice addition to the presentation considering the point of this show is to be a big hype bubble for Wrestlemania ready to pop.

Match 6 - WWE United States Championship - Rusev(c) Vs John Cena

As Stone Cold tweeted the crowd finally showed up for this match as Cena (as always) elevated the atmosphere towards a big match feel. I don't know if it's just because I'm wearing headphones or what but I heard about a dozen in-ring conversations during this match which was pretty distracting. Nonetheless that problem doesn't affect the live crowd and they got into it as Cena did a great job of making Rusev look like a formidable opponent.

After Rusev breaks out of Cena's submission holds and kicks out of an Attitude Adjustment, he catches Cena in the camel clutch. Cena almost breaks out of it but due to interference by Lana Rusev is able to hit a low blow and slaps it on again which Cena is unable to get out of and passes out. It was a good match (aside from the distracting extremely loud spot-calling) that made Rusev look fantastic. The question now will Rusev be able to last after he eventually takes his first loss, or will he fade away like all the "first year dominant" foreign heels that were fed to Cena before him.

The finish wasn't the best though, I think it would have told a better story if Cena had tried several things to break out of the submission hold all leading in failure then passing out. Still, Rusev won which was the right call.

Match Highlight - A dude chanting "You tapped out!" at Cena then realising he didn't and awkwardly fading out of it. Also Rusev breaking out of a crossface and tossing Cena off him in one swipe.

Match 7 - Winner Faces Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania - Roman Reigns Vs Daniel Bryan

It's been a while since we've had a major babyface vs babyface match in WWE, and although it's not a good idea to do them too often they can be exciting when they're built right (and this one was built pretty fight with both guys wanting to prove they're better than the other and deserve to go to Wrestlemania).

Reigns shuts down most of Bryan's offence in the opening minutes and it's mostly him until he takes a hard kick to the midsection which slows him down and Bryan gets more vicious. Both guys hit big offense and kick out of each others finishers and its desperation time for both of them. They knock each other out, it turns into a big brawl on the mat, then Bryan sets up for a second running knee but gets hit by a spear instead and Reigns is your winner. And the internet assumingly goes into a meltdown.

This isn't a great endorsement but this was easily Reigns best singles match, but it was a great match all in all. Both guys wrestled like they really wanted to win and it constantly felt like a clash between two forces. People are going to hate on it because of who won, but that shouldn't take away from what the match was.

Match Highlight - Bryan counters Reigns grabbing his throat by rolling into the Yes Lock.

CLOSING THOUGHTS 

A lukewarm crowd and a few too many non-finishes took away from it, but overall Fast Lane was a strong Pay-Per-View, at least in regards to what its purpose was. I've argued before that WWE shouldn't do a PPV in February because you're in an awkward position where you don't want people to take big loses on the road to the biggest show of the year, and it also messes with storylines (especially when you have to contrive a reason to have a huge six man cage match). The focus was on making Wrestlemania feel like a big deal, and between Sting, Cena putting over Rusev, Wyatt's promo and Reigns and Bryan beating the crap out of each other it certainly succeeded in that regard.

Ultimately, the show actually filled the three hour slot, had little to no filler, no heavy drag points where you're just sitting around waiting for the main event, and for the most part didn't blow...whether this show endeared itself to you or not that's pretty rare for WWE Pay-Per-Views in general. I doubt this show will go down in history or anything, and I certainly don't think we'll be revisiting it months later like last year's Elimination Chamber, but after the trainwreck of the Royal Rumble this gave the company some much needed forward momentum.

I'm going easy on it because it was essentially a three hour promo for a bigger show down the line that was given away for free, but WWE Fast Lane was enjoyable and succeeded at what it was supposed to do so hey...I'M not mad. 

But yea, Daniel Bryan lost so...boycott, anger, rage, etc. 

RATING - 6.5/10

DANIEL BRYAN FAN ADJUSTED RATING - GARBAGE/10