A random picture of games that I don't own that has nothing to do with this post!
Well, because I haven't written anything in a while and I'm getting rusty, let's loosen those joints with:
A REVIEW OF EVERY GAME I OWN!***
*well from this generation anyway
**and pretty much just the PlayStation 3 ones
***I shouldn't have put 3 stars
Halfway through writing this very sentence I just remembered that I own an absurd amount of games digitally from the PlayStation Network so this is going to be a long one! LET'S NOT WASTE TIME.
Alice: Madness Returns - I wrote the title thinking this would come first forgetting that I traded it in and don't actually own it any more! Now it's stolen 15 hours of my life and ruined this article :(
Alone in the Dark: Inferno - For the 20 minutes I played of it I was constantly around other characters and everything was on fire, good thing they added the "inferno" part of the title to the PS3 version or someone could go to jail for this kind of thing.
Arcana Heart 3 - GUUURRRLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Assassin's Creed 2 - The horrifying warning of what will happen when GPS units become sentient and start ordering us to kill. Also happens to blow.
Batman: Arkham Asylum - Possibly the best interactive use of a licence ever, as a videogame it's kind of okay. The Scarecrow bits made me jump on two separate playthroughs so I guess it's a winner overall.
Batman: Arkham City - I think Xboxachievements.com made more money off this game than Rocksteady did.
Bayonetta - Hey! The combat is as awesome as *loading* ....woah wait what happened I lost my train of thought.
Bionic Commando - With another year in development to figure out its ideas and get some polish this could have been the kind of game that people would have pretended to have liked at the time 10 years from now. As is it just kind of sucks.
BLAZBLUE: Continuum Shift - People are still arguing whether it's pronounced "Blaze-blue" or "Blaz-blue". Apparently the Z is supposed to be silent, and if that's true then that's the dumbest thing ever ERO STARS
Catherine - Whenever I play this it's ALWAYS time to be dead. A genuinely interesting little game though, worth a runthrough if you can tolerate anime.
The Club - My brother gave me this to show off that he didn't forget my birthday, if I had actually played it and not liked it I could put "AND I WISH HE HAD" as a punchline, but I haven't, so I can't, so this sort of has to awkwardly fade out...
Dark Void - See Bionic Commando.
Deadly Premonition: Director's Cut - Has just enough fantastic ideas to make up for the complete mess it is (for me anyway), this game is on my list to write a way too long thing about one of these days.
Dead Rising 2: Off The Record - GUESS WHAT JERKS, you got your precious sandbox mode and it blew chunks. Maybe try and figure out why you like a game in the first place before demanding design-breaking changes you chodes. Dead Rising 2 is still radical though.
Devil May Cry 4 - A game that takes bizarre pleasure in just how much it consistently sucks with borderline sociopathic level design. It's like a collection of all the worst parts of other Capcom games with some pretty decent combat flopping around in the middle of it.
Dragon's Crown - BOOOBBBBBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Enslaved: Odyssey To The West - All I know about this game is that James Bralant really likes it. If you don't know who that is...just...ugh...you don't wanna know.
God of War III - If you haven't played this game, watch the Homer themed episode of DuckTales while spinning on a desk chair furiously masturbating and you're pretty much up to speed with the experience.
Grand Theft Auto IV - If being called up by your fat cousin to go bowling genuinely ruined this game for you then YOU'RE probably someone's fat cousin. OWNED
Grand Theft Auto V - The only thing in videogames that hates women more than Ubisoft's character animators.
Heavy Rain - A true art game, but only if you find something artistic in how it somehow makes child murder funny.
Ico and Shadow of the Colossus HD Collection - These are NOT two of the best games ever made, they are however both unique enough and important to videogame development that they deserve your time.
Katamari Forever - To be honest, you only really need to play one Katamari game in your life, so you may as well go for the one with the best music...which isn't this one.
Killzone 2 - Almost hilarious in how uninteresting it is. Got a lot of graphics though.
King of Fighters XIII - Not for beginners! I don't care how many tutorials or guides you put into the game my fingers are more likely to learn this entire game's soundtrack on keyboard before they pull off half the casts basic combos. Looks great though!
L.A. Noire - Rockstar were really onto something fantastic here, however they made the uncharacteristically careless mistake of forgetting to include a videogame.
LittleBigPlanet (2) - Should have been my favourite game of the generation, I love everything about it apart from the platforming. Unfortunately, the fact that the platforming sucks is kind of a big deal. Sorry guys, but when Mario Maker comes out on Wii U I'll probably never play these games again =/
Lollipop Chainsaw - One of those games that people pretended to like when it came out because the aesthetic made you want to like it. Unfortunately when that initial bubble popped everyone realised it's not fun at all and forgot about it.
Metal Gear Solid 4 - I don't know what's worse, the sheer length and idiocy of the cutscenes, or the fact that people actively try to defend them. Kojima tried to murder his own series by tying up every potential plot thread possible so maybe he could move onto something else in his life, but instead Metal Gear lives on and this just feels like a hate crime against videogames in general. This is meant both as a compliment and as smack-talk; no-one will ever make a videogame like this again.
Metal Gear Rising - The combat isn't as good as Bayonetta or God Hand, also has some pretty flabby design for such a short game. I guess it's still cool but I don't love it.
MotorStorm - People seem to have largely forgotten about this series now, which is kind of a shame because this game is alright!
MotorStorm: Pacific Rift - For whatever reason I've never felt inclined to play more than 10 minutes of it. Maybe this is why everyone forgot about the series.
Ratchet and Clank: A Crack In Time - Accidentally contains some fantastic stuff, otherwise it's pretty much a glossy PS2 platformer...not that there's anything wrong with that!
Ratchet and Clank: Tools of Destruction - Pretty much a crappy PS2 platformer, and there's a lot wrong with that!
Rayman Origins - Better than New Super Mario Bros. Wii, and a lot of other things really. More AAA companies should try making games like this.
Red Dead Redemption - Almost inarguably one of the best games of this generation, even though it contains a whole lot of pointless garbage I don't like. Stuff like this is why I write douchey blogs about how Rockstar will someday make the best thing ever.
Saint's Row The Third - More fun than GTA...but only for a couple of hours. I'm glad it exists as an alternative for the more Dew-drinking ADD crowd but these games just never hold my attention.
Sega Mega Drive Ultimate Collection HD - Fun fact: I've played Dr Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine on this collection far more than anything else on it, if I had an OKCupid profile this is probably what I would put on it.
Silent Hill Downpour - Unlike Heavy Rain it doesn't make child murder funny, just kind of boring and confusing. Had good ideas but dropped the ball on all of them, also is nearly unplayable on PS3 due to framerate issues.
Silent Hill Homecoming - Just genuinely completely awful. I would say it's like the official tie-in game to the Silent Hill movie, but it's more like the tie-in videogame to the colouring book of the movie.
The Simpsons - Should have been awful, is actually okay! It's not good or anything but there's some genuinely decent level design in it and better jokes than the show in the last 10 years. Worth it for Simpsons fans and no-one else.
Siren: Blood Curse - I haven't played it! My copy has no instruction manual!
Sonic the Hedgehog 2006 - Almost interestingly bad enough to actually play to the end, then you start to realise that it's just unfinished. The fact Sega thought this could reboot the franchise is even funnier than the game.
Sonic Generations - *deep breath* Okay people, I'm sorry, but it's time we all admit this. This game sucks too, it's just not as bad as other recent Sonic's, and we were willing to go along with it for nostalgia's sake. This game did however prove that Sonic Team also don't know how to make good 2D Sonics any more either, so we can stop demanding that too.
Soul Calibur IV - Some people say they got the Star Wars characters in it to make a cheap buck, I think they just got them in there to try and convince people it's not porn.
Spec Ops: The Line - Kind of a sucky game in all honesty, but it does some really nice narrative things, like the writers read a book or something! Worth playing through, but put it on easy first.
The Darkness - Actually makes child murder meaningful!
The Darkness II - See Siren: Blood Curse.
The Last Of Us - The game that almost puts videogames on the same level as TV shows in the most generic genre possible! Sounds like a diss but the sad part is that it's really really not.
uDraw Studio - Wait, what?
Ultimate Marvel Vs Capcom 3 - The most ingeniously stupid game ever made.Screw Vergil.
Uncharted: Drake's Fortune - Shave and a haircut! Bodycount: 1250
Uncharted 2: Amoung Thieves - How many men have you murdered just today Drake? I dunno, probably about 6,000 at this point.
Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception - Not as good as the first two! Contains some really lazy, almost NES-like enemy placement and is kind of retread of the last game, the set pieces are still pretty hot though. Bodycount: 19200
Vanquish - It's Fist of the North Star does the Cold War in space! Sliding around and shooting dudes is cool, not quite the God Hand of third-person shooters but it's the closest thing we have to it.
WWE Smackdown Vs Raw 2010 - You think after doing 2010 of these games they'd make a good one by now.
WWE 12 - A videogame so stupid it puts a guy born in Dublin in a stable called "The United Kingdom", possibly one of the worst games ever made.
WWE 2K14 - Probably the real reason CM Punk left.
WWE All Stars - A nice little game! Blows its wad pretty early though and doesn't really hold attention, you can probably get a copy for the change stuck down the back of your sofa right now so it's a worth a couple of rounds with friends.
Now we're getting into digital games, which my PlayStation 3 won't let me order alphabetically! So things are going to get messy:
Yu-Gi-Oh! Millenium Duels - Probably like the seventh best way of playing Yu-Gi-Oh! without having to actually talk to someone.
DuckTales Remastered - I am amazed by WayForward's ability to take decent games from 25 years ago and somehow make them worse in every possible way. Everyone involved in this should never work on a videogame ever again.
Skullgirls - Probably a decent game but I just don't like it! It seems to want to be beginner friendly but the choice to make it a six button fighter makes it feel more like a Marvel Vs Capcom 2 fan game.
Street Fighter III: Third Strike Online Edition - Possibly the best example of pixel art ever, I suck at the game though so that's about as far as I can appreciate it.
Mega Man 10 - Has a really interesting atmospheric soundtrack! Other than that, it's even more Mega Man, which is cool I guess.
Castle Crashers - Probably the best example of a modern update of an outdated and kind of crappy genre of this generation, and considering how much terrible retro stuff there's been lately it has my respect for that.
Tetris - Why did I buy this?
The Walking Dead - Better than The Last Of Us.
Scott Pilgrim Vs The World: The Game - A prime example of fantastic audiovisual design saving a not that great game, too charming to hate.
Sonic 4 Episode 1&2 - Both games blow, but at least Episode 1 felt like it was trying, Episode 2 feels like it was designed during multiple trips to the dentist's office.
Spelunker HD - I HATE this game, but I've still wasted hours of my life trying to beat it. It's a personal issue.
Blue Toad Murder Files - Professor Layton for people who want to judge their friends for sucking at puzzles.
Earthworm Jim HD - Earthworm Jim isn't a very good game! Toning down the difficulty helped a lot though!
Double Dragon Neon - Somehow even worse than DuckTales! I would say that thing again about everyone who worked on this should stop making games, but one of those guys went on to make Shovel Knight, so maybe there's hope for the rest of WayForward.
Worms 2: Armageddon - Why do I own Worms on a console!?
LocoRoco: Cocoreccho - If it was made law that this had to be everyone's screensaver at work the world would be a different and far more wonderful place.
Mega Man 9 - Came out before Mega Man 10 so you can't say "even more Mega Man", but you can say "more Mega Man"!
JoJo's Bizarre Adventure HD - Not as good as a lot of other Capcom fighters, but a LOT better than Namco's recent JoJo fighter.
WipeOut HD - I got this game for free when the PSN broke, a constant reminder of Sony's failures.
ARKEDO SERIES - 1 Jump! - Needs more jump.
Limbo - The most overrated game of the generation! It's not a good platformer, not a good story, the atmosphere of the first hour disappears soon after, the puzzles aren't interesting, the world doesn't feel interactive and the game just sort of...stops. Should have been half the price and a third of the length.
Hamilton's Great Adventure - I don't remember what this is!
Solder-X 2: Final Prototype - Less impossible and betterer than the first one.
Burn Zombie Burn - A cute little twin stick shooter thing, would probably be more at home on an iPad or a Vita.
Bionic Commando: Rearmed - Actually a better game than the NES Bionic Commando, you'd think that would be standard for these things but nope.
Braid - A far superior game to Limbo!
Hmm, well that's all I have to say about that. I was thinking of going on to go through my Wii games then I realised I haven't played most of them for more than 10 minutes so oh well!
You're free to interpretate this little exercise as evidence for videogames this generation kind of sucking, me having highly bad taste and poor consumer decisions, or that I'm just kind of jerk. My vote's for all three!
